Post by Raymond-Raymond on Aug 21, 2008 12:41:06 GMT -5
THE HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO DTBL
The show opens on a long shot of the house. The scene changes to the interior, where we see Spanky and Wooldoor in the upstairs hallway standing around. They both look in the direction of Clara and Ling-Ling's door. The camera cuts to an image of the door. A sign reading "DO NOT OPEN THIS DOOR UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!" in very large letters hangs from the doorknob. Spanky and Wooldoor look at each other with raised eyebrows.
Spanky: Uh, yeah. Whatever, Clara.
Wooldoor: Maybe they're sleeping.
Spanky: They're not sleeping. I can hear them moving around in there.
Wooldoor: Maybe they're preparing somebody's birthday party!
Spanky: It isn't anybody's birthday.
Wooldoor: I think it might be Xandir's birthday.
Spanky: No. If it was Xandir's birthday, there would be about a dozen male strippers in the living room right now. No, obviously Clara and Ling-Ling are doing something (makes air quotes) "private".
Wooldoor: Ohhhhh.
Spanky: I say we go on inside.
Wooldoor: Maybe we'd better stay out. I wouldn't want to walk in on anything dirty.
Spanky: Wooldoor- it's Clara and Ling-Ling. How dirty could it be?
Wooldoor: I just know that Clara would get mad if I saw her naked again.
Spanky: Wooldoor, I'll bet you five dollars that no matter what Clara is doing in there, she still has her dress on.
Wooldoor: Okay!
Slowly Spanky opens the door. Immediately both he and Wooldoor become very confused.
Wooldoor: Oh my God!
Spanky: What the hell?
From the rear, we see a woman in a white blouse and gloves, a blue skirt with a red bow, and pink boots with a blonde wig consisting of two very long ponytails hanging from the sides. The figure turns around. We see that it is none other than Clara. Her expression becomes horrified.
Wooldoor: (to Spanky) Ha! You owe me five bucks!
Clara: Oh my God! (She becomes angry and walks briskly over to them.) Did you two not see the sign? You're supposed to keep out of here!
Spanky: (begins to laugh) Oh, of course. I should have known. Role-playing! Oh, that explains everything!
Clara: Spanky, we are not role-playing. And even if we were, what Ling-Ling and I do in our private lives is just that- private!
Spanky: (to Wooldoor) See, what she's doing, she's trying to pretend that she and Ling-Ling have a sex life of some sort. She keeps trying to hide everything so we'll think "Oh my God, they're just so kinky!", but in reality, it's just the opposite- she doesn't want anyone to know how truly vanilla she is!
Clara: Spanky, I am not vanilla! Why, the other night, I let Ling-Ling lick me all over!
Spanky: If by "all over", you mean from your toes to just above your knees.
Clara: Hey, I let him get all the way up to my inner thighs!
Spanky: Clara... that's fine. If you're not as into sex as the rest of us, that's fine. Seriously, you don't have to pretend you're as kinky as the rest of us. We don't judge you for being a prude. Well, okay, we do, but... mocking each other is in our nature. If we didn't have your vanilla sex life, we'd just mock you for something else. Like... your uptight and narrow religious views... or your obsession with precise grammar... or... the fact that you're incredibly book smart yet can be a complete dumbass when it comes to understanding any kind of innuendo.
Clara: You DO mock me for those things!
Spanky: Well, you give us so much ammunition, how can we not?
Clara: Point taken.
Spanky: Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, it doesn't matter how kinky or unkinky your sex life is, the important thing is that you're happy. And Ling-Ling's happy.
Clara: Well, we are.
Spanky: Good. Then in that case, Wooldoor and I will leave you alone now.
Clara: Thank you.
Spanky: (turning to Wooldoor) Come on, Wooldoor. Let's go see if we can walk in on Toot and Marty having sex!
Wooldoor: (excited) I've never seen midgets do it!
Spanky and Wooldoor walk out. Clara stands looking irritated. After Spanky and Wooldoor go, Clara's annoyance dissipates. We hear a tiny voice coming from below.
Ling-Ling: (voice) They gone?
Clara: They're gone, Ling-Ling.
Ling-Ling's head pops out of Clara's skirt. His face is made up to look like Hello Kitty, complete with a big red bow.
Ling-Ling: That was fun!
Clara: Yeah, it was, Ling-Ling. Having a quickie before we leave for the anime convention was a great idea!
Ling-Ling: And because Ling-Ling so small, he can give it to Clara without her even taking clothes off!
Clara: That's why I love you, Ling-Ling!
Grinning, Ling-Ling dives back into Clara's skirt. As she resumes fixing her wig, she starts to moan ever so slightly. The scene fades.
CUE OPENING TITLES
The scene changes to the living room. Hero looks at the same "Hang In There" cat poster he looked at in "Terms of Endearment", only this time his expression is more contemplative. Spanky walks by.
Spanky: Hey, Hero. What the hell are you doing? There's nobody in the shower right now except Xandir. And I know you're not into HIM. Oh, wait, I know! You're trying to give him a tumor like you gave Foxxy! Nice job!
Hero: No, Spanky. Believe it or not, I'm actually looking at the poster this time.
Spanky: Yeah?
Hero: The way this cat is just hanging in there... it gives me hope. You know?
Spanky: Hero, you know that cat is probably long dead by now.
Hero: Really?
Spanky: Yeah, that photo was taken in like... 1968. There's no way that thing is still alive!
Hero: (sadly) Oh.
Hero hangs his head and solemnly walks away. Spanky looks after him with raised eyebrows. Hero trudges into the main seating area and sits on the couch with Foxxy. Toot and Wooldoor are already there watching TV.
Foxxy: Hey, Hero. You coming in to watch Care Bear porn with us?
Hero: (depressed) Sure. Why not.
Foxxy: (noticing Hero's demeanor) Hero, what's wrong?
Hero: You know that cat picture I like to look at? I just found out that cat is dead. (Spanky walks up to the group.)
Foxxy: (turning to Spanky angrily) Goddammit, Spanky! (He holds up his hands in a "What did I do?" gesture.)
Hero: Is it true, Foxxy? Is that cat really dead?
Foxxy: Well, yes, Hero, that cat is dead. (Hero buries his face in his hands and begins to bawl.) But, uh... he died heroically! Uh... saving a bus load of orphans or something!
Hero: (perking up) Really?
Foxxy: Oh, yeah! That cat was one brave little kitty!
Hero: (stops crying) I guess that makes me feel a little better. It's okay to be dead if you died by making a heroic sacrifice!
Spanky: I heard he got feline leukemia from a kitty whore!
Hero begins crying again. Foxxy sighs in frustration. Cut to Toot and Wooldoor watching Care Bear porn.
Wooldoor: So which two Care Bears do you ship, Toot?
Toot: Grumpy Bear and Cheer Bear. What about you?
Wooldoor: Tenderheart Bear and Bedtime Bear are totally my OTP!
Toot: Wooldoor, you realize both of those are boys, right?
Wooldoor: So I like a little slash with my Care Bear porn. Don't judge me for that, Toot!
Spanky: (walking over) Well, if you ask ME, the hottest couple is easily Love-A-Lot Bear and Wish Bear!
Toot: Appropriate that you'd pick Wish Bear, given that lesbianism is such a total male fantasy!
Spanky: Hey, lesbians exist!
Foxxy: Yeah, but real lesbians aren't like the ones you see in porn movies! You'd never see two attractive, actually feminine women making out with each other in real life! Unless it's on this show and the episode is being written by a male writer!
Spanky: (dismissively) Yeah, yeah.
As the group returns to watching TV, Clara and Ling-Ling come downstairs, fully in costume.
Clara: All right, guys, we're off to the convention now! See you in a few days! (Nobody looks at them.)
Foxxy: Bye, Clara.
Spanky: Have fun.
Toot: See you later.
Hero: (sobbing) That poor cat!
Clara: (confused) Okay... isn't anyone going to make fun of our costumes?
Wooldoor: Nope!
Toot: Don't care!
Spanky: Like we got nothing better to do!
Clara: Fine. (Rolling her eyes in irritation, she walks out holding Ling-Ling. The camera cuts to the two of them on the other side of the door.)
Ling-Ling: Carla mad others not acknowledging costume?
Clara: I was hoping they'd make fun of us while we were still in there, but I guess they're waiting until we leave so they can mock us even MORE mercilessly behind our backs! (She shakes her head and walks out of the camera's view. The scene cuts to back inside the house.)
Spanky: So are we going to make fun of the fact that Clara was dressed as Sailor Moon while Ling-Ling was dressed as Hello Kitty?
Toot: I really don't care, to be honest.
Spanky: Yeah, me neither.
Wooldoor: So is Xandir coming down to watch the Care Bear porn with us?
Foxxy: Don't be silly, Wooldoor. Fernando's up in his room right now. What reason could Xandir possibly have to tear himself away from sex with Fernando in order to come hang out with us?
Xandir: (walking in) Hey, guys! Fernando and I got bored, so he wanted me to come down here and get some role-playing ideas from the movie you guys were watching!
Toot: We're watching Care Bear porn.
Xandir: Ooh! Gay, straight, or orgy?
Foxxy: Orgy.
Xandir: Ooh! Sounds like fun! (He sits down.) So where's Marty?
Toot: Oh? Are we actually going to explain why he's not in the episode for a change?
Spanky: I don't see why. I mean, we don't usually.
Xandir: Well, I think we should! I mean, he lives here now!
Foxxy: Yeah, but he's not technically a housemate!
Wooldoor: Yeah, Xandir! Explanations are just for official members of the cast!
Xandir: Fair enough. (At that moment, the doorbell rings.) Ooh! Maybe that's Marty!
Toot: No, it isn't.
Xandir gets up and walks to the door and opens it. A man in a suit stands in front of him.
Man: Excuse me. Is this where Ling-Ling lives?
Xandir: Yes, it is, but he's not here at the moment. Hey, do you want to have a threesome with me and my boyfriend?
Man: That's okay. I really just need to see Ling-Ling and his (he coughs) "wife".
Foxxy, alarmed, gets up and walks over to the door. Spanky follows her.
Foxxy: Excuse me. What are you wanting to see Ling-Ling for? And why did you cough right before you said "wife"?
Man: My name is Agent Dicker. I'm from the Immigration and Naturalization Service. I'm here to investigate the Ling-Cox wedding.
Spanky: Wait a minute. Cox? Who the hell is Cox? (Suddenly, he realizes. A look of half-astonishment, half-glee crosses his face.) Oh, my God! (He laughs.) You mean to tell me... that Clara's last name... is COX?
Dicker: Yes, according to her file, she's some kind of princess from some weird little country in the mountains that seems to be stuck in the Middle Ages.
Spanky: Morningwood!
Dicker: Um... good for you. Anyway, this lady officially goes by just "Princess Clara" apparently, or since her marriage, "Clara Ling", but her official last name, at least prior to her marriage, is Cox.
Spanky: So what you're saying is that Clara comes from the House of Cox.
Xandir: Ooh! I wanna go to the House of Cox!
Spanky: I know you do. So what you are saying is that Clara... our precious, sweet... virginal somehow despite being married for over two years... innocent Clara... is actually a "member" (he chuckles) of the House of Cox!
Wooldoor: Spanky said member! That's another penis joke!
Toot: Yes, Wooldoor. We know.
Foxxy: Maybe that's why she wanted to leave that place. She was afraid of being around all the Cox!
Xandir: If I lived in Morningwood with a bunch of Cox, I would NEVER leave!
Spanky: Xandir, you would be an ASSet to all the Cox in Morningwood!
Xandir: I would, wouldn't I?
Toot: You know, if their name is Cox, that probably explains why her father is such a dick!
Spanky: (wiping tears of laughter from his eyes) Oh, Cox. That is just too funny. I'll have to remember to tease Clara about that when she gets back!
Dicker: So when WILL Clara and Ling-Ling be back?
Spanky: In a few days, why?
Dicker: Oh, the INS just needs to ask them a few questions about their (he coughs again) "wedding".
Foxxy: Okay, you coughed again. That's twice now. Now I demand to know what is going on here! What the hell do you want with Clara and Ling-Ling?
Dicker: I've been officially assigned to investigate their marriage. The INS has reason to suspect it may not be on the up and up.
Foxxy: Whatchoo talkin' about, Dicker?
Dicker: Ling-Ling was on the verge of being deported, and then the next thing you know, he's suddenly married. That sounds a little too convenient, to be honest.
Spanky: So what? That doesn't mean their marriage is a scam!
Dicker: Maybe not by itself. But there are other red flags too.
Foxxy: Such as?
Dicker: The fact that they haven't had any children yet, for one.
Toot: Oh, that's bulltoot! Is there a rule that if you don't produce a baby within two years, the INS is going to come investigate your marriage? And if so, could you go pay a visit to this girl named Jessica? She beat me out for pep squad in high school and she's living with this Mexican guy now. (She thinks.) Is there a rule that you have to be from a different country in order to be deported?
Dicker: And for another thing, we find it odd that even though they're both reasonably well off financially, they choose to continue living with their friends.
Spanky: Yeah, well... we're not Clara's friends! We're her... staff! Yeah, that's it! We're her servants!
Dicker: Her servants?
Spanky: Oh, yeah! I'm a servant... and Toot's a servant, and... Foxxy's a- (Suddenly, he catches sight of Foxxy. She is glaring at him, completely unamused. Spanky regroups.) Foxxy's her sister!
Dicker: I have reason to believe you might not be telling the truth.
Foxxy: Look. So what if we are Clara's friends? The fact that Clara chooses to live with us instead of alone with her husband don't mean she ain't in love with him! It's just that, well... the eight of us is kind of like a family!
Spanky: Plus, the show pays for our room and board, so as long as they live here, it means they don't have to find jobs. (Foxxy hits Spanky, who winces.)
Foxxy: Mr. Dicker, we all have significant others. But that don't mean any of us wants to leave the house! Mr. Dicker, the fact is, regardless of what our respective romantic situations might be, the eight of us just BELONG together!
Xandir: In fact, one might say that we're all drawn to-
Spanky: (grabbing Xandir by the collar) I'm serious, Xandir, I still have that tire iron up in my room!
Xandir: (backing off) Fair enough.
Dicker: So what you're saying is that all of you just love each other's company so much that you wouldn't even break up the group... for true love.
Toot: We find it's easier to incorporate our true love INTO the group!
Spanky: If it's any comfort, when Xandir finally settles down, HE'LL be moving out!
Xandir: Yeah, but that's not going to be for a long, long time! (He looks at Agent Dicker.) I have a lot of wild oats to sow.
Dicker: I see.
Foxxy: Look, Mr. Dicker. I know it's hard to believe that a beautiful princess could really fall in love with what's essentially a throw pillow with legs, but she has! Trust me, if you heard the story behind it, you wouldn't have the slightest doubt that those two are truly in love!
Dicker: (raising his eyebrows) Oh, really?
Foxxy: (worried) Um... I mean...
Spanky: (sighing) You had him, Foxxy! You could have just stopped where you were, and he would have come onto our side. But NO- you had to keep yapping away! (He sighs again.) You realize what's going to happen now, right? We're going to have to tell the story!
Foxxy: Oh, don't be silly, Spanky! Mr. Dicker wouldn't be interested in hearing the story!
Dicker: (smiling) Oh, yes, I would! (Spanky closes his eyes and shakes his head.) Tell you what. Why don't we all go over to the couch, and you guys can tell me the story of how Clara and Ling-Ling got together. Okay? (The others nod reluctantly. Agent Dicker walks over to the couch and sits down, followed by the others. He turns to the group.) All right. So... first things first. Were these two even dating before Ling-Ling was informed that he was going to be deported?
Foxxy: Well, no, but... it wasn't because he didn't want to!
Wooldoor: Yeah! Ling-Ling had a crush on Clara even before that!
Dicker: Really.
Spanky: Yeah. I remember that in the days prior to that, Ling-Ling kept moping around all depressed about how he suddenly felt like he wanted something different. I mean, he didn't tell us so explicitly, but I think it was when he was starting to realize he was in love with Clara.
Dicker: So he had a crush on her. "Having a crush on" and "being in an actual romantic relationship with" are two completely different things.
Toot: Don't I know THAT from experience!
Dicker: So what was going on on Clara's end?
Foxxy: Well, she had just gotten dumped by her boyfriend. Or maybe she dumped him. I don't quite remember. But either way, she was all torn up about it. So when Ling-Ling came along and wanted to marry her, she was thrilled!
Dicker: So... when Ling-Ling was about to get deported, she was dating some other guy, and only agreed to marry Ling-Ling once she got dumped! Is that correct?
Toot: (to Dicker) Will you let us visit Ling-Ling in Asia?
Foxxy: Now let's not go giving up yet, y'all! (She turns to Dicker.) Okay, maybe this marriage did come along kind of suddenly for both parties involved. And maybe Clara didn't exactly think of it as a real marriage when she agreed to it. But I'm telling you, when they got back from their honeymoon, they was truly in love!
Toot: Yeah! Clara even threatened to give up her title just so she could stay married to him!
Dicker: So what happened on their honeymoon?
Foxxy: What do you mean?
Dicker: Well, if one honeymoon suddenly changed a fake marriage into a real one, I think I have the right to know how it happened! (The housemates all look at each other, worried. Dicker turns to Xandir.) You. Elf Boy. I think you can give me what I need.
Xandir: I can? Oh, boy! (Xandir walks over to Dicker and begins running his hand along Dicker's thigh. He then unzips Dicker's zipper and kneels in front of him. Dicker pushes Xandir away.)
Dicker: (zipping his pants back up) Not that, you idiot! I meant, you can tell me what happened between Clara and Ling-Ling on their honeymoon!
Xandir: Oh.
Dicker: Now come on, people. I know you've been trying to avoid this, but it's not going to work. If Clara and Ling-Ling's marriage is truly legitimate, you have nothing to hide! So if you don't tell me the story right now, I'm going to take your reluctance as proof that their entire relationship is a sham!
Everybody begins talking at once.
Xandir: Well, it all started when-
Foxxy: As I remember it-
Toot: Clara and Ling-Ling were on their honeymoon-
Wooldoor: Love is like a red, red rose-
Spanky: Bukkake?
Dicker motions everybody to stop. He then points to Xandir. Xandir pauses and clears his throat.
Xandir: Well... it all started when Clara and Ling-Ling were on their honeymoon in Jamaica.
The scene fades. It fades back up on Clara and Ling-Ling entering their hotel room in Jamaica. Clara wears the same clothes she wore in "Drawn Together by Love", a floral print sundress and sandals. Ling-Ling carries practically all the luggage the pair has, clearly straining under the weight of all of it. Clara carries only a small travel bag. As Ling-Ling staggers into the room, one small bag falls from the top of the stack.
Clara: Ugh! Don't break it, Ling-Ling!
Ling-Ling: Could Carla help please, pick up bag?
Clara: Carry my own bag? Are you serious? I'm rich! Rich people don't carry bags! Except for this one. (She indicates her travel bag.) I'm only carrying this one because it contains my private feminine items, and I don't trust you with those!
Ling-Ling: Fifty bags too much for Ling-Ling! Ling-Ling afraid if he bend over to pick that one up, he drop others!
Clara: Well, you'd better do it, Ling-Ling! And if you break just one item in those bags, you're buying me TWO of it as a replacement! In fact, I think you'd better buy me two more of everything I have anyway. Men are supposed to buy women lots of gifts! Especially beautiful women like me!
Ling-Ling: But Carla know Ling-Ling not have any-
Clara: I thought you loved me, Ling-Ling!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling do!
Clara: Well, where I come from, love means buying me things! If you love me, you'll do it!
Ling-Ling sighs and manages to gently put down all the bags somehow. He then picks up the bag that fell and hands it to Clara.
Clara: I didn't want you to hand it to me, Ling-Ling! I just wanted you to pick it up! Now put that on the bed! (Ling-Ling, trying to hide his irritation, does as Clara requests.) Now get me my high heels.
Ling-Ling: (confused) What? Carla crazy? Why she need heels for honeymoon?
Clara: I chipped a toenail on my way into the room. I can't let my feet be seen with such an imperfection!
Ling-Ling: (looking at Clara's toes) Ling-Ling not see anything wrong!
Clara: That's probably because those tiny Asian eyes of yours are so small, you can't see anything!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling think Carla be much more comfortable in sandals.
Clara: Comfort isn't the issue, Ling-Ling! Even though I'm on my honeymoon, I have to look good!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling think Carla look perfect already!
Clara: Well, I don't! I'm hideously ugly like this!
Ling-Ling: Here. Ling-Ling fix. (He quickly gets out his pedicure kit and goes to work on Clara's feet.)
Clara: (irritated) Excuse me! Did I give you permission to touch the royal feet? (She kicks him away harshly.) I have people back home to do that! Your job is to just bring me things! God... what on earth do people think husbands are FOR, anyway? (Ling-Ling gets up and straightens himself up, looking both confused and hurt.)
Toot: (voice) All right, Xandir, STOP!
The scene changes back to the living room. Foxxy and Toot are both glaring angrily at Xandir.
Xandir: What?
Foxxy: That ain't how Clara acts and you know it!
Xandir: Yes, it is!
Foxxy: No, it isn't, Xandir.
Toot: Clara may be demanding sometimes, Xandir, but she isn't WHINY.
Foxxy: And she may be temperamental, but she isn't just mean to people for no reason!
Toot: Especially people who are trying to help her!
Xandir: So I exaggerated a few details. So what?
Foxxy: And Xandir, in the entire time that Clara has been in this house with us, not once has she EVER acted like coming from a life of privilege entitled her to any kind of special treatment! Remember the first season? She didn't want us to worship her- she just wanted to fit in!
Toot: Seriously, Xandir, do you even WATCH our show?
Xandir: Some parts. The parts with me and Fernando.
Foxxy: And that thing where she was crying because she broke a toenail? That sounds more like something YOU would do, Xandir!
Xandir: Well, my feet are very fragile!
Toot: Xandir, is there a part of you that ISN'T very fragile? (Xandir grins.) Don't answer that.
Foxxy: In fact, that whole scenario of yours- that's a lot more like how YOU would act than it is Clara!
Xandir: Hey, I'm not mean like that!
Toot: You are when it's Diva Night!
Xandir: Well, I'm a diva! But just so we're clear, I'm a "people totally respect my music" diva, not a "carry my Diet Coke around" diva!
Foxxy: Xandir, I ain't saying Clara don't have her faults. Lord knows she's got PLENTY of them. But THOSE ain't them!
Toot: Yeah, Xandir. If you want to make Clara look bad, use her ACTUAL faults- not the faults you assume she has based on her stereotype!
Xandir: What does Clara's boom box have to do with this? (Foxxy sighs in frustration.)
Dicker: You know what? I think it would be better if I talked to all of you one at a time... in private.
Foxxy: Maybe that would be best, Mr. Dicker.
Dicker: (glancing around) Do you have a room I can use to conduct the interviews?
Spanky: (gesturing toward the confessional) Yeah, you can use the confessional. We don't have any confessional bits in this episode.
Dicker: Sounds good. (He gets up and looks at the group, trying to choose who will go first. Xandir eagerly sticks his hand up.)
Xandir: Ooh! Can I go first?
Dicker: No.
Xandir: Can I go second?
Dicker: No, Xandir. I'm done with you.
Xandir: You mean I can't go at all? But how am I supposed to bribe you with oral sex if we're not alone together at some point?
Dicker: Yeah, that'd be a shame. (He looks at the group.) I think... you. (He points.) You in the superhero getup. I want to talk to you first.
Hero: Me?
Confused, Hero gets up and follows Mr. Dicker into the confessional. Dicker motions Hero to sit down, which Hero does. Dicker stands off to the side.
Dicker: Your name is Captain Hero, is it?
Hero: (obviously shaken) Yes, sir. I was born on Planet Zebulon-
Dicker: I really don't care. I just want to know what happened between Clara and Ling-Ling on their honeymoon.
Hero: Well... okay.
The scene fades. It fades back up on Clara and Ling-Ling in their hotel room in Jamaica. Clara again wears her different clothes. She sits on the bed looking sad.
Ling-Ling: Anyway, Ling-Ling think after swimming, we go snorkeling, then parasailing, and if we not too tired, we have sex on beach! Ling-Ling not mean cocktail, though, he mean actual sex on beach. Ling-Ling know Carla not much for sex, but it okay now, she married, God not judge her. It okay to be slut if one married. But if Carla not want sex, Ling-Ling and Carla just go swimming again. What Carla say?
Clara just looks at Ling-Ling for a minute, then breaks down crying. Ling-Ling looks confused.
Ling-Ling: What wrong, Carla?
Clara: (sobbing profusely) That poor cat! (Clara continues crying. Ling-Ling sighs.) He gave me hope but now he's dead! How will I ever find the strength to go on? (Clara begins very loudly bawling. Ling-Ling stands looking irritated.)
The scene cuts to Hero bawling in the confessional. A very irritated Agent Dicker points toward the door. Still crying, Hero gets up and runs out of the room. Dicker sighs and calls outside the door.
Dicker: Next!
Cut to Wooldoor sitting happily in the confessional.
Wooldoor: Clara and Ling-Ling went on their honeymoon and had lots and lots of sex and when they came back, they were in love! The end!
Dicker: Wooldoor, I'm going to need a little more information than that.
Wooldoor: Oh. Well... I think Ling-Ling took his penis and put it inside Clara's vagina somehow. I don't really know how he did it. I mean, I wouldn't think those two would be able to even have sex given the difference in their sizes, all I know is they do it somehow. Ling-Ling does like to hump certain parts of her body, though. So maybe Clara just took whatever necessary garment off and let Ling-Ling just go to town on that body part and maybe for them, THAT'S sex. Or who knows, maybe Ling-Ling DID find a way to get it all the way in her! (Dicker sighs. Wooldoor looks at him.) I think Clara let Ling-Ling touch her boob once!
Dicker: No, Wooldoor. I meant, how did they fall in love?
Wooldoor: Oh. Um... well...
Cut back to Clara and Ling-Ling in their hotel room in Jamaica again. Clara relaxes on the bed while Ling-Ling flips channels on the TV.
Ling-Ling: I've looked through all 72 channels and there isn't a single thing on to watch!
Clara: No, Ling-Ling, I suppose there isn't. (She pauses for a moment.) Wait- (She turns to Ling-Ling, confused.) Ling-Ling, did you just speak perfect English?
Cut back to Wooldoor.
Wooldoor: I don't really know how to duplicate Ling-Ling's speech patterns. If it's okay with you, I'll just have him speak regular English in my flashback.
Dicker: That's fine. So continue.
Cut back to the hotel. Ling-Ling flips past a few more channels. Dissatisfied, he turns the TV off and puts down the remote. He hops onto the bed next to Clara.
Ling-Ling: Clara?
Clara: Ling-Ling, you said my name! Oh, wait, that's just how Wooldoor's telling it. Anyway, go on.
Ling-Ling: Clara... I have something important to ask you.
Clara: What is it, Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling: Well... it's about you. And me. (Clara looks at Ling-Ling attentively. Ling-Ling looks at Clara for a moment, then turns away, embarrassed.)
Clara: What is it, Ling-Ling? It's okay, you can ask me!
Ling-Ling: I'm too ashamed to say it out loud. (Clara looks at him with concern. Ling-Ling pulls out a piece of paper and hands it to Clara.) Clara, I know we're married now, but I really think this is important to our future. (Clara takes the paper and unfolds it.)
Clara: Oh, my!
The camera cuts to an over-the-shoulder shot of Clara holding the paper. On the paper is written. "I like you. Do you like me too?" Underneath the writing are two boxes marked "Yes" and "No". Clara looks at the paper intently for a moment. She then nods her head and takes out a pencil. She makes a mark on it and hands the paper back to Ling-Ling. The camera cuts to an over-the-shoulder shot of Ling-Ling holding the paper. He very cautiously opens the paper up. We see that Clara has marked the box that says "Yes". Ling-Ling throws his arms in the air in exultation. He then jumps into Clara's arms excitedly. The two kiss. The scene dissolves into a large heart. We see fireworks going off in the background as the two continue to kiss.
Wooldoor: (singing) Love, American style... truer than the red, white, and blue... Love, American style...
Dicker: Okay, Wooldoor. You can skip the song.
Wooldoor: But the song's the best part!
Dicker: Yes, well. Be that as it-
Wooldoor: You can't say that, that's Foxxy's catchphrase!
Dicker: We're the government, kid. We can say what we want.
Wooldoor: Okay.
Dicker: Just send in the next person. Okay?
Wooldoor: Okay! (He rushes out. Dicker, facing away from the confessional door, sighs. A very excited Xandir walks up behind Dicker. Dicker does not even turn to face him.)
Dicker: Not Xandir!
Disappointed, Xandir hangs his head and walks away. Spanky enters and sits down.
Spanky: Hey. How's it going?
Dicker: And you would be Spanky Ham, would you not?
Spanky: That's right! So you know me by reputation, huh?
Dicker: Yes, I do. And along those lines, Spanky, I'd just like to advise you to please not turn this into some lurid, kinky sex tale.
Spanky: (looking at Dicker skeptically) Mr. Dicker... this is Clara we're talking about. There are some things even *I* can't make sound sleazy.
Dicker: Wow. Admittedly I don't know Clara very well, but based on what all of you are telling me, it sure doesn't sound like she and Ling-Ling have much of a sex life.
Spanky: Oh, man, you don't know the half of it! Unless Jesus himself walks through the door one day, I think Clara's going to be a virgin until the day she dies! At least... I *think* she's still a virgin. (He looks at Dicker questioningly.) How far do you have to get it into someone for it to count?
Dicker: So they've been married for two years, and nobody here is sure if they've even had sex yet? I'm sorry, but that doesn't sound like much of a marriage to me.
Spanky: Yeah, well... I mean... look how small he is! What... what can they DO in the bedroom, anyway? (Dicker glances to the side.) And besides, what does it matter if they don't have sex? It's been over two years since MY parents have had sex! In fact, it's been closer to five- er... ten- er... (He thinks.) Now how old is my little sister again?
Dicker: We're not talking about an old married couple, Spanky. We're talking about a pair of newlyweds.
Spanky: Come to think of it, that would be kind of funny if they ever went on The Newlywed Game. (imitating Bob Eubanks) Now where is the strangest place you've ever made whoopee? (imitating Clara perfectly as he did in "Dirty Pranking No. 2") Um... we never have! (Spanky begins laughing.) Whoopee. Oh, the 70s were such innocent times! (He looks at Dicker.) Did you ever see Deep Throat?
Dicker: All right, Spanky. I get your point. Clara just isn't a sexual being.
Spanky: That's right!
Dicker: Fine. So could you just tell me why Clara and Ling-Ling got together? That is, assuming there's more to their marriage than just his green card.
Spanky: You really want me to tell you?
Dicker: (sternly) That's kind of the entire point of my being here.
Spanky: All right, then. I'll tell you.
Cut back to the hotel in Jamaica. Ling-Ling sits on the bed flipping through channels on the TV. We hear a voice just offscreen.
Clara: (voice) Oh, Ling-Ling...
Ling-Ling turns. We see Clara standing in the doorway. She is wearing a pink babydoll nightie and the same pink stockings she wore in "Mexican't Buy Me Love"- and nothing else.
Clara: You like my new pajamas, Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling grins and gives Clara the same "sexy" look he gave Ni-Pul in "Clum Babies".
Ling-Ling: Rrrrowr! (Clara walks over and sits down on the bed. She puts her feet in Ling-Ling's lap. Ling-Ling lustfully grasps Clara's legs.)
Clara: I don't know if I like these stockings, though, Ling-Ling. Will you help me take them off? (Ling-Ling nods eagerly.)
As Ling-Ling rolls one of Clara's stockings off, stripper music begins to play. He pulls the stocking free of Clara's foot.
Clara: (wiggling her foot) That feels much better, Ling-Ling!
The stripper music resumes as Ling-Ling rolls off Clara's other stocking. Once both stockings are off, Ling-Ling takes them in one hand and holds them up to his nose. He takes a big sniff and passes out happily.
Clara: No, Ling-Ling! You can't pass out yet! I still have my underwear on!
The scene cuts back to the confessional. Dicker's face is in his hands. He sighs, then looks up.
Dicker: All right, I think that's all of THAT story I need to hear- (He suddenly becomes alarmed.) What the hell? (We see that Spanky is sniffing a pink stocking.) Where did THAT come from?
Spanky: Found it.
Dicker: Just get out, okay?
Spanky shrugs and walks out the door, returning to the living room. He sits back down with the others, then takes the stocking back out and sniffs it again. Hero looks at him.
Hero: Dude! You stole Clara's stocking! Nice!
Toot: Wait a minute! That can't be Clara's stocking! Clara doesn't even wear stockings!
Xandir: It must be one of Toot's, then.
Toot: Can't be mine. All of my stockings are black.
Hero: Foxxy, how dare you let Spanky have one of your stockings to sniff! I thought *I* had first dibs on all your freshly soiled undergarments!
Foxxy: It ain't mine, Hero!
Spanky: Wait. Then... whose is it?
Everyone becomes alarmed. They all turn and look... at Wooldoor. Wooldoor becomes both confused and disturbed.
The scene then cuts to a small apartment somewhere in the city. We see Denise looking frantically through her drawers. On her left foot she wears a pink stocking while her right foot is bare. As she rifles through her clothing, we see that she is very visibly frustrated.
Denise: Goddammit, where the hell is my other stocking?
The scene cuts back to the Drawn Together house. Agent Dicker welcomes Toot into the confessional. She sits down. After fidgeting nervously for a moment, she breaks down.
Toot: All right, all right, I confess! I did it! It was me, okay? Me! I was the one who put chili peppers in everyone's Cheerios that morning! And it was ME who was on the grassy knoll that day! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to extinguish so many innocent lives... but I had to do it! (She leans over toward Dicker and grabs him by the collar.) Don't you understand? My happiness was at stake! My happiness!
Dicker: Miss, why-
Toot: Why? I'll tell you why! I did it... (her voice becomes menacing) for JOHNNY! (She breaks off laughing maniacally. Dicker sighs and takes a step toward her. Toot pulls out a butter knife and holds it up to her throat.) You take one step closer and so help me Christ, I'll cut my own throat! (She then throws the knife down and buries her face in her hands, collapsing into tears.) Oh, Johnny! I hope this means you'll notice me now! (She continues sobbing for a moment. Dicker sighs again. Toot looks up to the sky, crying melodramatically.) Johnnyyyyyyyyyyy!
Dicker: So you would be Toot Braunstein, then? The house's resident drama queen and noted attention whore?
Toot: (suddenly becoming cheerful) One and the same! So what can I do you for?
Dicker: Toot, all I need for you to do is tell me what happened between Clara and Ling-Ling. How did their marriage go from being a marriage of convenience to a marriage of love? Just tell me the story. Don't reinterpret, don't embellish, and most importantly, don't GUESS. Just tell me as succinctly as possible what happened.
Toot: Well... okay.
Cut back to the hotel room in Jamaica. The door opens. Natalie Portman enters wearing a floral print sundress and sandals. Verne Troyer enters behind her wearing an orange body suit and bunny ears modelled to look like Ling-Ling's ears.
Natalie: Oh, Ling-Ling! Our hotel room is so pretty!
Verne: You said it, Clara!
Dicker: (voice) And don't recast their roles, either!
Toot: (voice) (begrudgingly) Fine.
Natalie and Verne disappear, replaced by the original versions of Clara and Ling-Ling. They walk into the hotel room.
Clara: So this is our room, Ling-Ling!
Ling-Ling: That is, Carla!
Clara: You know, Ling-Ling, I still can't believe that I'm actually here... on my honeymoon.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling not believe it either.
Clara: Just a few days ago, I was sad and lonely, but now suddenly I'm married to a wonderful husband, and we're having a beautiful island getaway... it all just seems so perfect! In fact... you know what I feel like doing?
Ling-Ling: What that?
Clara: I feel like... just... singing! (She begins singing sweetly.) Some people wait a lifetime...
Cut back to the confessional.
Toot: (singing very shrilly) For a MOOOOOOOOOOOMENT LIKE THIS!!! (She spreads her arms in a stereotypical diva gesture. Dicker, utterly exasperated, puts his hand to his face while just staring blankly.) Some people searrrrrrrrrrrrch forever... for that OOOOOOOONE SPECIAL KIIIIIIIIIIISS...
Dicker: Toot, please stop.
Toot: Why?
Dicker: Because I highly doubt that Clara stopped her honeymoon to just spontaneously break into song!
Toot: Um... she IS a Disney Princess.
Dicker: Point taken. But please, if you could just skip the song and just get on with the story.
Toot: Fine.
Cut back to the hotel room. Clara and Ling-Ling are both sitting on the bed.
Ling-Ling: So what Carla want to do tonight?
Clara: Oh, I thought we'd just watch television for a while if that's okay.
Ling-Ling: That fine with Ling-Ling.
Clara: Let's see what's on. (Clara turns on the TV.) Oh, look, Ling-Ling! It's our own show! Let's watch and see what things are like when we're not around!
On the television, we see Toot and Hero making out with each other while Spanky and Wooldoor wait in line. Spanky taps Hero on the shoulder.
Spanky: Hey, Hero, are you about done with her? It's my turn now!
Hero: In a minute, Spanky!
Spanky and Wooldoor look at each other and roll their eyes. Suddenly, we see a hand push Wooldoor aside.
Wooldoor: Hey! No cutting in line!
Xandir: But Wooldoor, I wanna make out with Toot!
Clara: (in her hotel room) Oh, wow, Ling-Ling! Toot is so hot, even the gay guy wants her!
Xandir: Toot! Toot! Do me next!
Toot: Go away, Xandir! I already told you I'm not making out with you now or ever!
Xandir: But Toot, you have a massive crush on me and stuff!
Toot: I *had* a crush on you! But that was before I developed the ability to attract a REAL man! (She and Hero resume kissing.)
Xandir: Awwwwww!
Wooldoor: I'll make out with you, Xandir!
Xandir: (excited) Really?
Wooldoor: No. Not really! (He and Spanky snicker to each other.)
Xandir: Awwwwww! (He walks away disappointed.)
At that moment, Foxxy walks in the room.
Foxxy: Hey, Toot. There's a guy at the door asking for you. He said his name was... Brad Pitt? Something like that?
Toot: Tell him he'll have to wait his turn!
Foxxy nods and walks away. The scene cuts back to the confessional. We see that Agent Dicker has left the room.
Toot: (continuing) Johnny Depp? Well, I suppose I could! I mean, you're hot and all! But I can't make out with TOO many guys in one day or else I'll look like a giant whore! Now if you'll all gather round, I want all of you to choose a number between 1 and 100. Whoever is closest to the number I picked gets to actually put it in me! Wait... on second thought, why don't you all just fight to the death? I'll do whoever's still standing!
Cut to the outside of the confessional. A very beleaguered Agent Dicker trudges toward the living room.
Dicker: I give up. I don't know what I'm going to do.
Wooldoor: Can we go yet? It's time for me to go feed Whiskers!
Xandir: I'll go feed your hamster, Wooldoor!
Wooldoor: (coldly) I'd rather he starve!
Hero: (crying) Whiskers... cats have whiskers! Not that it does them any good! (His voice begins cracking.) They still die in the end! (He begins bawling.)
Foxxy: Oh, for God's sake, Hero, just let it go!
Hero: Let it go? How can I let it go, Foxxy? All these years... all that inspiration that poster has given me... it's all worthless! The cat is dead! (He sobs.)
Foxxy: (sighs) Yes, Hero. The cat is dead. But you know what? (She leans over toward him.) Cats die! Things die! It doesn't matter what kind of brave, heroic life you have... the truth is, eventually you're going to die! YOU'RE going to die... I'M going to die... We're all going to die!
Hero: (crying) Then what's the point? If we're all going to be dead eventually, what's the point of even living?
Foxxy: Well... cause that ain't what life's all about! Captain Hero, the point of life is not to not die! The point is to live as good and rich a life as possible and bring happiness to others during the time that you're here!
Hero: Really?
Foxxy: Yes, Hero. Now it's true that someday you're going to die. But as long as you did good with your life while you were here, and you made other people happy... then I'd say that's a life well spent.
Hero: So what you're saying is... it doesn't matter that the cat's dead. What matters is that the cat was there to help me in the first place!
Foxxy: Exactly!
Hero: I guess I never thought of it like that... thanks, Foxxy! I feel okay now!
Foxxy: You're welcome! (Hero begins smiling happily, very pleased with himself.)
Spanky: (looking at the painting) I can't tell... is that a photograph or a painting? You know, for all we know, that probably wasn't even a real cat! (Hero begins bawling again. Spanky chuckles quietly. Foxxy throws her hands up in frustration, then glares at Spanky.)
Dicker: (walking over) Foxxy?
Foxxy: (turning) Yes, Mr. Dicker?
Dicker: You seem like the one person in this house who actually has some sense. If it's okay with you, I'd like to go ahead and interview you now.
Foxxy: Of course, Mr. Dicker! (She gets up.) I'll meet you in the confessional.
Dicker: No, not the confessional. By this point, Toot's probably either naked and/or making out with herself in there. Either way, I'd rather not deal with it.
Foxxy: Fair enough. Where would you like to go, then?
Dicker: Is there anywhere else in the house where we can be guaranteed some privacy?
Foxxy: Only one place I can think of!
Cut to Dicker and Foxxy in the ball pit.
Dicker: Oh, now, THIS is dignified!
Foxxy: It's private. That's what matters.
Dicker: Fair enough. So anyway. Foxxy... can you PLEASE tell me the story of what happened with Clara and Ling-Ling? And please, could you try to get as close to the truth as possible?
Foxxy: I'll try, Mr. Dicker.
Dicker: That's all I ask.
Cut one more time to the hotel room in Jamaica. Clara is preparing to go shopping while Ling-Ling stands watching her. Clara's phone rings. She answers it.
Foxxy: Hello, Clara?
Clara: Hi, Foxxy! I'm glad you called. Ling-Ling and I are having the best time down here! The other day we saw a beached whale. He pretended it was a vicious monster and tried to protect me from it. It was the cutest thing!
Foxxy: That's great, Clara. I need to ask you something real quick. When you were packing for your trip, did you accidentally take Toot's Beauty and the Beast comb?
Clara: Hold on, I'll check. (She gets her comb.) Oh my gosh, you're right, Foxxy! I must have accidentally grabbed it instead of my Lion King comb! Please tell Toot I'm sorry.
Foxxy: Oh, that's okay, Clara. So are you enjoying the honeymoon?
Clara: I've been having a wonderful time, Foxxy. It's been so nice I've almost forgotten it isn't even a real honeymoon.
Foxxy: I'm almost kind of jealous of you, you know? If Ling-Ling had accepted my offer, I'd be the one down there right now instead of you.
Clara: Your offer? What do you mean?
Foxxy: Before you came downstairs that day, I told Ling-Ling I'd marry him to help him stay in the country, but he didn't seem interested. But it's all right. I couldn't have gone to Jamaica no way because of my probation. Now how was the Foxxy supposed to know it was illegal to have sex while you're trying to drive a car! I just wish the cop I was giving it to at the time had of told me that!
Clara: Thanks, Foxxy. I'll call you later, okay? Bye. (She hangs up and turns to Ling-Ling.)
Ling-Ling: Who that?
Clara: That was Foxxy, Ling-Ling.
Ling-Ling: What chocolate animal woman have to say?
Clara: She asked me if I had Toot's comb.
Ling-Ling: Oh. Okay.
The two of them look at each other.
Ling-Ling: So... um... what now?
Clara: Uh... (She pauses for a moment. She and Ling-Ling look at each other.) Uh... (Ling-Ling looks at her questioningly.) I... love you?
Cut back to Foxxy and Dicker in the ball pit. Dicker is unamused.
Foxxy: And that is how Clara and Ling-Ling came to decide they was really in love with each other! The end!
Dicker: Foxxy...
Foxxy: (sighs) Okay, fine. You want the truth, Mr. Dicker? I don't exactly know what happened between Clara and Ling-Ling in Jamaica. None of us do.
Dicker: (sarcastically) You don't say!
Foxxy: I wish I had more information for you than that. But the fact is, I don't. None of us was even there!
Dicker: I understand that. But I thought for sure they'd have told you about it when they got back!
Foxxy: Well, they did. But... well... I don't know whether maybe we wasn't paying enough attention... or maybe Clara didn't do a good enough job of getting the idea across. The truth is, I ain't exactly sure how Clara and Ling-Ling came to fall in love. All I know is that when they got back from Jamaica, they was IN love.
Dicker: I see.
Foxxy: I can tell you don't believe me. But I swear, that really is the truth!
Dicker: How can you be so sure, Foxxy? I mean, you don't know what happened, you didn't really understand what happened even after you were told... how can you be so sure they were actually in love? I mean- (He thinks for a moment, then appears to come to some sort of realization.) Okay... let's try THAT line of thought. Foxxy... what was it about Clara and Ling-Ling that convinced YOU they were really in love?
Foxxy: Oh, I can tell you what it was that convinced ME. It was the change in Clara.
Dicker: The change?
Foxxy: Well, before she got married, Clara was ignorant, closed-minded, and intolerant. Once she got back from Jamaica... she was happy. For the first time in her life, I really think she was at peace with herself. I mean, sure, the racism and stuff didn't go away overnight. But after that... it was the first time since we've been in the house that I could see Clara was really trying to better herself. She wanted to change. She didn't want to just be happy... she actually wanted to be a better person. And I really think it was finding love with Ling-Ling that gave her that motivation.
Dicker: Thank you, Foxxy. That's exactly what I was looking for.
Foxxy: You're welcome.
Cut to Spanky in the ball pit with Dicker.
Spanky: All of a sudden, Clara stopped getting pissed off whenever I made some kind of sexual innuendo toward her. She would just roll her eyes at me. That's when *I* realized she had changed!
Cut to Toot in the ball pit.
Toot: Clara seemed really concerned with making me her friend. She'd never seemed the least bit interested in being my friend before. But she was determined to change her life... and that made ME determined to change MY life. That was when *I* could tell that there was something different about Clara.
Cut to Hero in the ball pit.
Hero: Clara stopped judging me for all my kinky sexual perversions! Used to, she would walk past my door while I was giving it to some chick and she'd be all, "Ewww, you pig, you're going to hell for that!" Then the next thing I know, she's all "Do what you want, just as long as I don't have to look at it!" I'm telling you, Mr. Dicker, something had changed her!
Cut to Wooldoor in the ball pit.
Wooldoor: Clara was always nice, don't get me wrong. But used to, she would never hang out downstairs with the group whenever we'd play a dirty sex game. But after that, she would! I mean, she wouldn't participate, but she'd still come to hang out with us! She just seemed to enjoy everyone's company a lot more after that. I think something really did change!
Cut to Dicker in the ball pit, seemingly alone. He looks decidedly unamused.
Dicker: Xandir?
Xandir: (moving around under the balls) What?
Dicker: Xandir, get your mouth off my penis right this instant.
Xandir: (poking his head out of the balls) Sorry! I just thought it was time!
Dicker shakes his head. Xandir shrugs. The scene changes back to the living room. The housemates all sit around nervously. Finally, Dicker enters the room.
Dicker: Okay, everyone. I've thought about it... and I've finally made my decision.
Spanky: Well?
Dicker: I have decided that the six of you are all a bunch of LOONIES!
Toot: Hey! (Foxxy looks at her.) Well, okay.
Dicker: I mean, God! I ask you one simple question and nobody in this house can give me a straight answer. All I want to know is how Clara and Ling-Ling fell in love. And somehow, the six of you manage to give me all these wild, unbelievable scenarios, as if I'm somehow supposed to believe that royal bitching, stocking sniffing, terrible singing, third grade love notes, and dead cats are all somehow part of the same love story!
Toot: Hey, I'm a good singer when I try!
Spanky: Try harder.
Dicker: Clearly, none of you have the slightest idea what happened to Clara and Ling-Ling in Jamaica. You obviously don't have your stories straight at ALL. (The housemates all look at each other in panic.) Which in my view, I can only take to mean that the marriage is legitimate!
Everyone is surprised, but clearly excited.
Wooldoor: What? Really?
Dicker: Oh, yeah. If this was a fake marriage, you'd have been able to cover a lot better than THAT. Clearly, the marriage is for real!
Toot: So does this mean that Clara can stay?
Foxxy: Clara's not the one being deported, Toot. (Toot turns.)
Toot: Oh, right. (Toot turns back to Dicker.) So does this mean that Ling-Ling can stay?
Dicker: Yes. Ling-Ling can stay. (Everyone is excited. Dicker looks at the group.) Now, then. Are all of YOU officially recognized American citizens?
Hero: Yes. Why?
Dicker: Because in that case, it means I don't ever have to come to this stupid house ever AGAIN! (Briefcase in hand, he puts his hat back on.) Goodbye, you bunch of utter psychopaths! (Dicker turns and walks out the door. The group congregates excitedly.)
Toot: Oh, my God! That was close! For a minute there, I thought Ling-Ling was really going to get kicked out of the country!
Foxxy: I think that just goes to show, y'all. If the six of us- eight of us, whenever Clara and Ling-Ling's here- if we all band together... the bunch of us can do ANYTHING!
Toot: Yeah! No damn outsider's gonna come in here and tear US apart!
Hero: That's right!
Xandir: You said it, Toot! All that matters is that we're together! Drawn to-
At that moment, Spanky pops up behind Xandir and whacks him in the skull with a tire iron. Xandir collapses in a heap on the floor.
Spanky: I told him I was gonna do that!
Wooldoor: So when Clara and Ling-Ling come back, are we going to tell them how close Ling-Ling came to being deported again?
Foxxy: I don't know... they're pretty happy now. Maybe we'd just be worrying them for no reason.
Hero: No, Foxxy, I think they'd like to know. I think it would make them feel good to know that not only is their marriage solid, but all their friends totally have their backs!
Foxxy: Hmm. I guess you're right, Hero. Okay, y'all. Let's tell them!
Toot: (sticking her hand up) Ooh! I wanna do it! Zooey Deschanel can play me, Brandon Routh can play Captain Hero, and Jerry Orbach can play the beleaguered Agent Dicker!
Spanky: Toot, um... isn't Jerry Orbach dead?
Toot: Oh, right.
The housemates look down thoughtfully. However, at that moment, we hear a very soft sound off the side. Foxxy sighs.
Hero: (crying) Jerry Orbach is dead!
He begins bawling. Spanky, Toot, Wooldoor, and Xandir get up and begin to trudge out of the room. Foxxy sighs and walks over to Hero. Putting her arm around him, she lets Hero cry on her shoulder. The scene fades.
THE END
The show opens on a long shot of the house. The scene changes to the interior, where we see Spanky and Wooldoor in the upstairs hallway standing around. They both look in the direction of Clara and Ling-Ling's door. The camera cuts to an image of the door. A sign reading "DO NOT OPEN THIS DOOR UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!" in very large letters hangs from the doorknob. Spanky and Wooldoor look at each other with raised eyebrows.
Spanky: Uh, yeah. Whatever, Clara.
Wooldoor: Maybe they're sleeping.
Spanky: They're not sleeping. I can hear them moving around in there.
Wooldoor: Maybe they're preparing somebody's birthday party!
Spanky: It isn't anybody's birthday.
Wooldoor: I think it might be Xandir's birthday.
Spanky: No. If it was Xandir's birthday, there would be about a dozen male strippers in the living room right now. No, obviously Clara and Ling-Ling are doing something (makes air quotes) "private".
Wooldoor: Ohhhhh.
Spanky: I say we go on inside.
Wooldoor: Maybe we'd better stay out. I wouldn't want to walk in on anything dirty.
Spanky: Wooldoor- it's Clara and Ling-Ling. How dirty could it be?
Wooldoor: I just know that Clara would get mad if I saw her naked again.
Spanky: Wooldoor, I'll bet you five dollars that no matter what Clara is doing in there, she still has her dress on.
Wooldoor: Okay!
Slowly Spanky opens the door. Immediately both he and Wooldoor become very confused.
Wooldoor: Oh my God!
Spanky: What the hell?
From the rear, we see a woman in a white blouse and gloves, a blue skirt with a red bow, and pink boots with a blonde wig consisting of two very long ponytails hanging from the sides. The figure turns around. We see that it is none other than Clara. Her expression becomes horrified.
Wooldoor: (to Spanky) Ha! You owe me five bucks!
Clara: Oh my God! (She becomes angry and walks briskly over to them.) Did you two not see the sign? You're supposed to keep out of here!
Spanky: (begins to laugh) Oh, of course. I should have known. Role-playing! Oh, that explains everything!
Clara: Spanky, we are not role-playing. And even if we were, what Ling-Ling and I do in our private lives is just that- private!
Spanky: (to Wooldoor) See, what she's doing, she's trying to pretend that she and Ling-Ling have a sex life of some sort. She keeps trying to hide everything so we'll think "Oh my God, they're just so kinky!", but in reality, it's just the opposite- she doesn't want anyone to know how truly vanilla she is!
Clara: Spanky, I am not vanilla! Why, the other night, I let Ling-Ling lick me all over!
Spanky: If by "all over", you mean from your toes to just above your knees.
Clara: Hey, I let him get all the way up to my inner thighs!
Spanky: Clara... that's fine. If you're not as into sex as the rest of us, that's fine. Seriously, you don't have to pretend you're as kinky as the rest of us. We don't judge you for being a prude. Well, okay, we do, but... mocking each other is in our nature. If we didn't have your vanilla sex life, we'd just mock you for something else. Like... your uptight and narrow religious views... or your obsession with precise grammar... or... the fact that you're incredibly book smart yet can be a complete dumbass when it comes to understanding any kind of innuendo.
Clara: You DO mock me for those things!
Spanky: Well, you give us so much ammunition, how can we not?
Clara: Point taken.
Spanky: Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, it doesn't matter how kinky or unkinky your sex life is, the important thing is that you're happy. And Ling-Ling's happy.
Clara: Well, we are.
Spanky: Good. Then in that case, Wooldoor and I will leave you alone now.
Clara: Thank you.
Spanky: (turning to Wooldoor) Come on, Wooldoor. Let's go see if we can walk in on Toot and Marty having sex!
Wooldoor: (excited) I've never seen midgets do it!
Spanky and Wooldoor walk out. Clara stands looking irritated. After Spanky and Wooldoor go, Clara's annoyance dissipates. We hear a tiny voice coming from below.
Ling-Ling: (voice) They gone?
Clara: They're gone, Ling-Ling.
Ling-Ling's head pops out of Clara's skirt. His face is made up to look like Hello Kitty, complete with a big red bow.
Ling-Ling: That was fun!
Clara: Yeah, it was, Ling-Ling. Having a quickie before we leave for the anime convention was a great idea!
Ling-Ling: And because Ling-Ling so small, he can give it to Clara without her even taking clothes off!
Clara: That's why I love you, Ling-Ling!
Grinning, Ling-Ling dives back into Clara's skirt. As she resumes fixing her wig, she starts to moan ever so slightly. The scene fades.
CUE OPENING TITLES
The scene changes to the living room. Hero looks at the same "Hang In There" cat poster he looked at in "Terms of Endearment", only this time his expression is more contemplative. Spanky walks by.
Spanky: Hey, Hero. What the hell are you doing? There's nobody in the shower right now except Xandir. And I know you're not into HIM. Oh, wait, I know! You're trying to give him a tumor like you gave Foxxy! Nice job!
Hero: No, Spanky. Believe it or not, I'm actually looking at the poster this time.
Spanky: Yeah?
Hero: The way this cat is just hanging in there... it gives me hope. You know?
Spanky: Hero, you know that cat is probably long dead by now.
Hero: Really?
Spanky: Yeah, that photo was taken in like... 1968. There's no way that thing is still alive!
Hero: (sadly) Oh.
Hero hangs his head and solemnly walks away. Spanky looks after him with raised eyebrows. Hero trudges into the main seating area and sits on the couch with Foxxy. Toot and Wooldoor are already there watching TV.
Foxxy: Hey, Hero. You coming in to watch Care Bear porn with us?
Hero: (depressed) Sure. Why not.
Foxxy: (noticing Hero's demeanor) Hero, what's wrong?
Hero: You know that cat picture I like to look at? I just found out that cat is dead. (Spanky walks up to the group.)
Foxxy: (turning to Spanky angrily) Goddammit, Spanky! (He holds up his hands in a "What did I do?" gesture.)
Hero: Is it true, Foxxy? Is that cat really dead?
Foxxy: Well, yes, Hero, that cat is dead. (Hero buries his face in his hands and begins to bawl.) But, uh... he died heroically! Uh... saving a bus load of orphans or something!
Hero: (perking up) Really?
Foxxy: Oh, yeah! That cat was one brave little kitty!
Hero: (stops crying) I guess that makes me feel a little better. It's okay to be dead if you died by making a heroic sacrifice!
Spanky: I heard he got feline leukemia from a kitty whore!
Hero begins crying again. Foxxy sighs in frustration. Cut to Toot and Wooldoor watching Care Bear porn.
Wooldoor: So which two Care Bears do you ship, Toot?
Toot: Grumpy Bear and Cheer Bear. What about you?
Wooldoor: Tenderheart Bear and Bedtime Bear are totally my OTP!
Toot: Wooldoor, you realize both of those are boys, right?
Wooldoor: So I like a little slash with my Care Bear porn. Don't judge me for that, Toot!
Spanky: (walking over) Well, if you ask ME, the hottest couple is easily Love-A-Lot Bear and Wish Bear!
Toot: Appropriate that you'd pick Wish Bear, given that lesbianism is such a total male fantasy!
Spanky: Hey, lesbians exist!
Foxxy: Yeah, but real lesbians aren't like the ones you see in porn movies! You'd never see two attractive, actually feminine women making out with each other in real life! Unless it's on this show and the episode is being written by a male writer!
Spanky: (dismissively) Yeah, yeah.
As the group returns to watching TV, Clara and Ling-Ling come downstairs, fully in costume.
Clara: All right, guys, we're off to the convention now! See you in a few days! (Nobody looks at them.)
Foxxy: Bye, Clara.
Spanky: Have fun.
Toot: See you later.
Hero: (sobbing) That poor cat!
Clara: (confused) Okay... isn't anyone going to make fun of our costumes?
Wooldoor: Nope!
Toot: Don't care!
Spanky: Like we got nothing better to do!
Clara: Fine. (Rolling her eyes in irritation, she walks out holding Ling-Ling. The camera cuts to the two of them on the other side of the door.)
Ling-Ling: Carla mad others not acknowledging costume?
Clara: I was hoping they'd make fun of us while we were still in there, but I guess they're waiting until we leave so they can mock us even MORE mercilessly behind our backs! (She shakes her head and walks out of the camera's view. The scene cuts to back inside the house.)
Spanky: So are we going to make fun of the fact that Clara was dressed as Sailor Moon while Ling-Ling was dressed as Hello Kitty?
Toot: I really don't care, to be honest.
Spanky: Yeah, me neither.
Wooldoor: So is Xandir coming down to watch the Care Bear porn with us?
Foxxy: Don't be silly, Wooldoor. Fernando's up in his room right now. What reason could Xandir possibly have to tear himself away from sex with Fernando in order to come hang out with us?
Xandir: (walking in) Hey, guys! Fernando and I got bored, so he wanted me to come down here and get some role-playing ideas from the movie you guys were watching!
Toot: We're watching Care Bear porn.
Xandir: Ooh! Gay, straight, or orgy?
Foxxy: Orgy.
Xandir: Ooh! Sounds like fun! (He sits down.) So where's Marty?
Toot: Oh? Are we actually going to explain why he's not in the episode for a change?
Spanky: I don't see why. I mean, we don't usually.
Xandir: Well, I think we should! I mean, he lives here now!
Foxxy: Yeah, but he's not technically a housemate!
Wooldoor: Yeah, Xandir! Explanations are just for official members of the cast!
Xandir: Fair enough. (At that moment, the doorbell rings.) Ooh! Maybe that's Marty!
Toot: No, it isn't.
Xandir gets up and walks to the door and opens it. A man in a suit stands in front of him.
Man: Excuse me. Is this where Ling-Ling lives?
Xandir: Yes, it is, but he's not here at the moment. Hey, do you want to have a threesome with me and my boyfriend?
Man: That's okay. I really just need to see Ling-Ling and his (he coughs) "wife".
Foxxy, alarmed, gets up and walks over to the door. Spanky follows her.
Foxxy: Excuse me. What are you wanting to see Ling-Ling for? And why did you cough right before you said "wife"?
Man: My name is Agent Dicker. I'm from the Immigration and Naturalization Service. I'm here to investigate the Ling-Cox wedding.
Spanky: Wait a minute. Cox? Who the hell is Cox? (Suddenly, he realizes. A look of half-astonishment, half-glee crosses his face.) Oh, my God! (He laughs.) You mean to tell me... that Clara's last name... is COX?
Dicker: Yes, according to her file, she's some kind of princess from some weird little country in the mountains that seems to be stuck in the Middle Ages.
Spanky: Morningwood!
Dicker: Um... good for you. Anyway, this lady officially goes by just "Princess Clara" apparently, or since her marriage, "Clara Ling", but her official last name, at least prior to her marriage, is Cox.
Spanky: So what you're saying is that Clara comes from the House of Cox.
Xandir: Ooh! I wanna go to the House of Cox!
Spanky: I know you do. So what you are saying is that Clara... our precious, sweet... virginal somehow despite being married for over two years... innocent Clara... is actually a "member" (he chuckles) of the House of Cox!
Wooldoor: Spanky said member! That's another penis joke!
Toot: Yes, Wooldoor. We know.
Foxxy: Maybe that's why she wanted to leave that place. She was afraid of being around all the Cox!
Xandir: If I lived in Morningwood with a bunch of Cox, I would NEVER leave!
Spanky: Xandir, you would be an ASSet to all the Cox in Morningwood!
Xandir: I would, wouldn't I?
Toot: You know, if their name is Cox, that probably explains why her father is such a dick!
Spanky: (wiping tears of laughter from his eyes) Oh, Cox. That is just too funny. I'll have to remember to tease Clara about that when she gets back!
Dicker: So when WILL Clara and Ling-Ling be back?
Spanky: In a few days, why?
Dicker: Oh, the INS just needs to ask them a few questions about their (he coughs again) "wedding".
Foxxy: Okay, you coughed again. That's twice now. Now I demand to know what is going on here! What the hell do you want with Clara and Ling-Ling?
Dicker: I've been officially assigned to investigate their marriage. The INS has reason to suspect it may not be on the up and up.
Foxxy: Whatchoo talkin' about, Dicker?
Dicker: Ling-Ling was on the verge of being deported, and then the next thing you know, he's suddenly married. That sounds a little too convenient, to be honest.
Spanky: So what? That doesn't mean their marriage is a scam!
Dicker: Maybe not by itself. But there are other red flags too.
Foxxy: Such as?
Dicker: The fact that they haven't had any children yet, for one.
Toot: Oh, that's bulltoot! Is there a rule that if you don't produce a baby within two years, the INS is going to come investigate your marriage? And if so, could you go pay a visit to this girl named Jessica? She beat me out for pep squad in high school and she's living with this Mexican guy now. (She thinks.) Is there a rule that you have to be from a different country in order to be deported?
Dicker: And for another thing, we find it odd that even though they're both reasonably well off financially, they choose to continue living with their friends.
Spanky: Yeah, well... we're not Clara's friends! We're her... staff! Yeah, that's it! We're her servants!
Dicker: Her servants?
Spanky: Oh, yeah! I'm a servant... and Toot's a servant, and... Foxxy's a- (Suddenly, he catches sight of Foxxy. She is glaring at him, completely unamused. Spanky regroups.) Foxxy's her sister!
Dicker: I have reason to believe you might not be telling the truth.
Foxxy: Look. So what if we are Clara's friends? The fact that Clara chooses to live with us instead of alone with her husband don't mean she ain't in love with him! It's just that, well... the eight of us is kind of like a family!
Spanky: Plus, the show pays for our room and board, so as long as they live here, it means they don't have to find jobs. (Foxxy hits Spanky, who winces.)
Foxxy: Mr. Dicker, we all have significant others. But that don't mean any of us wants to leave the house! Mr. Dicker, the fact is, regardless of what our respective romantic situations might be, the eight of us just BELONG together!
Xandir: In fact, one might say that we're all drawn to-
Spanky: (grabbing Xandir by the collar) I'm serious, Xandir, I still have that tire iron up in my room!
Xandir: (backing off) Fair enough.
Dicker: So what you're saying is that all of you just love each other's company so much that you wouldn't even break up the group... for true love.
Toot: We find it's easier to incorporate our true love INTO the group!
Spanky: If it's any comfort, when Xandir finally settles down, HE'LL be moving out!
Xandir: Yeah, but that's not going to be for a long, long time! (He looks at Agent Dicker.) I have a lot of wild oats to sow.
Dicker: I see.
Foxxy: Look, Mr. Dicker. I know it's hard to believe that a beautiful princess could really fall in love with what's essentially a throw pillow with legs, but she has! Trust me, if you heard the story behind it, you wouldn't have the slightest doubt that those two are truly in love!
Dicker: (raising his eyebrows) Oh, really?
Foxxy: (worried) Um... I mean...
Spanky: (sighing) You had him, Foxxy! You could have just stopped where you were, and he would have come onto our side. But NO- you had to keep yapping away! (He sighs again.) You realize what's going to happen now, right? We're going to have to tell the story!
Foxxy: Oh, don't be silly, Spanky! Mr. Dicker wouldn't be interested in hearing the story!
Dicker: (smiling) Oh, yes, I would! (Spanky closes his eyes and shakes his head.) Tell you what. Why don't we all go over to the couch, and you guys can tell me the story of how Clara and Ling-Ling got together. Okay? (The others nod reluctantly. Agent Dicker walks over to the couch and sits down, followed by the others. He turns to the group.) All right. So... first things first. Were these two even dating before Ling-Ling was informed that he was going to be deported?
Foxxy: Well, no, but... it wasn't because he didn't want to!
Wooldoor: Yeah! Ling-Ling had a crush on Clara even before that!
Dicker: Really.
Spanky: Yeah. I remember that in the days prior to that, Ling-Ling kept moping around all depressed about how he suddenly felt like he wanted something different. I mean, he didn't tell us so explicitly, but I think it was when he was starting to realize he was in love with Clara.
Dicker: So he had a crush on her. "Having a crush on" and "being in an actual romantic relationship with" are two completely different things.
Toot: Don't I know THAT from experience!
Dicker: So what was going on on Clara's end?
Foxxy: Well, she had just gotten dumped by her boyfriend. Or maybe she dumped him. I don't quite remember. But either way, she was all torn up about it. So when Ling-Ling came along and wanted to marry her, she was thrilled!
Dicker: So... when Ling-Ling was about to get deported, she was dating some other guy, and only agreed to marry Ling-Ling once she got dumped! Is that correct?
Toot: (to Dicker) Will you let us visit Ling-Ling in Asia?
Foxxy: Now let's not go giving up yet, y'all! (She turns to Dicker.) Okay, maybe this marriage did come along kind of suddenly for both parties involved. And maybe Clara didn't exactly think of it as a real marriage when she agreed to it. But I'm telling you, when they got back from their honeymoon, they was truly in love!
Toot: Yeah! Clara even threatened to give up her title just so she could stay married to him!
Dicker: So what happened on their honeymoon?
Foxxy: What do you mean?
Dicker: Well, if one honeymoon suddenly changed a fake marriage into a real one, I think I have the right to know how it happened! (The housemates all look at each other, worried. Dicker turns to Xandir.) You. Elf Boy. I think you can give me what I need.
Xandir: I can? Oh, boy! (Xandir walks over to Dicker and begins running his hand along Dicker's thigh. He then unzips Dicker's zipper and kneels in front of him. Dicker pushes Xandir away.)
Dicker: (zipping his pants back up) Not that, you idiot! I meant, you can tell me what happened between Clara and Ling-Ling on their honeymoon!
Xandir: Oh.
Dicker: Now come on, people. I know you've been trying to avoid this, but it's not going to work. If Clara and Ling-Ling's marriage is truly legitimate, you have nothing to hide! So if you don't tell me the story right now, I'm going to take your reluctance as proof that their entire relationship is a sham!
Everybody begins talking at once.
Xandir: Well, it all started when-
Foxxy: As I remember it-
Toot: Clara and Ling-Ling were on their honeymoon-
Wooldoor: Love is like a red, red rose-
Spanky: Bukkake?
Dicker motions everybody to stop. He then points to Xandir. Xandir pauses and clears his throat.
Xandir: Well... it all started when Clara and Ling-Ling were on their honeymoon in Jamaica.
The scene fades. It fades back up on Clara and Ling-Ling entering their hotel room in Jamaica. Clara wears the same clothes she wore in "Drawn Together by Love", a floral print sundress and sandals. Ling-Ling carries practically all the luggage the pair has, clearly straining under the weight of all of it. Clara carries only a small travel bag. As Ling-Ling staggers into the room, one small bag falls from the top of the stack.
Clara: Ugh! Don't break it, Ling-Ling!
Ling-Ling: Could Carla help please, pick up bag?
Clara: Carry my own bag? Are you serious? I'm rich! Rich people don't carry bags! Except for this one. (She indicates her travel bag.) I'm only carrying this one because it contains my private feminine items, and I don't trust you with those!
Ling-Ling: Fifty bags too much for Ling-Ling! Ling-Ling afraid if he bend over to pick that one up, he drop others!
Clara: Well, you'd better do it, Ling-Ling! And if you break just one item in those bags, you're buying me TWO of it as a replacement! In fact, I think you'd better buy me two more of everything I have anyway. Men are supposed to buy women lots of gifts! Especially beautiful women like me!
Ling-Ling: But Carla know Ling-Ling not have any-
Clara: I thought you loved me, Ling-Ling!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling do!
Clara: Well, where I come from, love means buying me things! If you love me, you'll do it!
Ling-Ling sighs and manages to gently put down all the bags somehow. He then picks up the bag that fell and hands it to Clara.
Clara: I didn't want you to hand it to me, Ling-Ling! I just wanted you to pick it up! Now put that on the bed! (Ling-Ling, trying to hide his irritation, does as Clara requests.) Now get me my high heels.
Ling-Ling: (confused) What? Carla crazy? Why she need heels for honeymoon?
Clara: I chipped a toenail on my way into the room. I can't let my feet be seen with such an imperfection!
Ling-Ling: (looking at Clara's toes) Ling-Ling not see anything wrong!
Clara: That's probably because those tiny Asian eyes of yours are so small, you can't see anything!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling think Carla be much more comfortable in sandals.
Clara: Comfort isn't the issue, Ling-Ling! Even though I'm on my honeymoon, I have to look good!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling think Carla look perfect already!
Clara: Well, I don't! I'm hideously ugly like this!
Ling-Ling: Here. Ling-Ling fix. (He quickly gets out his pedicure kit and goes to work on Clara's feet.)
Clara: (irritated) Excuse me! Did I give you permission to touch the royal feet? (She kicks him away harshly.) I have people back home to do that! Your job is to just bring me things! God... what on earth do people think husbands are FOR, anyway? (Ling-Ling gets up and straightens himself up, looking both confused and hurt.)
Toot: (voice) All right, Xandir, STOP!
The scene changes back to the living room. Foxxy and Toot are both glaring angrily at Xandir.
Xandir: What?
Foxxy: That ain't how Clara acts and you know it!
Xandir: Yes, it is!
Foxxy: No, it isn't, Xandir.
Toot: Clara may be demanding sometimes, Xandir, but she isn't WHINY.
Foxxy: And she may be temperamental, but she isn't just mean to people for no reason!
Toot: Especially people who are trying to help her!
Xandir: So I exaggerated a few details. So what?
Foxxy: And Xandir, in the entire time that Clara has been in this house with us, not once has she EVER acted like coming from a life of privilege entitled her to any kind of special treatment! Remember the first season? She didn't want us to worship her- she just wanted to fit in!
Toot: Seriously, Xandir, do you even WATCH our show?
Xandir: Some parts. The parts with me and Fernando.
Foxxy: And that thing where she was crying because she broke a toenail? That sounds more like something YOU would do, Xandir!
Xandir: Well, my feet are very fragile!
Toot: Xandir, is there a part of you that ISN'T very fragile? (Xandir grins.) Don't answer that.
Foxxy: In fact, that whole scenario of yours- that's a lot more like how YOU would act than it is Clara!
Xandir: Hey, I'm not mean like that!
Toot: You are when it's Diva Night!
Xandir: Well, I'm a diva! But just so we're clear, I'm a "people totally respect my music" diva, not a "carry my Diet Coke around" diva!
Foxxy: Xandir, I ain't saying Clara don't have her faults. Lord knows she's got PLENTY of them. But THOSE ain't them!
Toot: Yeah, Xandir. If you want to make Clara look bad, use her ACTUAL faults- not the faults you assume she has based on her stereotype!
Xandir: What does Clara's boom box have to do with this? (Foxxy sighs in frustration.)
Dicker: You know what? I think it would be better if I talked to all of you one at a time... in private.
Foxxy: Maybe that would be best, Mr. Dicker.
Dicker: (glancing around) Do you have a room I can use to conduct the interviews?
Spanky: (gesturing toward the confessional) Yeah, you can use the confessional. We don't have any confessional bits in this episode.
Dicker: Sounds good. (He gets up and looks at the group, trying to choose who will go first. Xandir eagerly sticks his hand up.)
Xandir: Ooh! Can I go first?
Dicker: No.
Xandir: Can I go second?
Dicker: No, Xandir. I'm done with you.
Xandir: You mean I can't go at all? But how am I supposed to bribe you with oral sex if we're not alone together at some point?
Dicker: Yeah, that'd be a shame. (He looks at the group.) I think... you. (He points.) You in the superhero getup. I want to talk to you first.
Hero: Me?
Confused, Hero gets up and follows Mr. Dicker into the confessional. Dicker motions Hero to sit down, which Hero does. Dicker stands off to the side.
Dicker: Your name is Captain Hero, is it?
Hero: (obviously shaken) Yes, sir. I was born on Planet Zebulon-
Dicker: I really don't care. I just want to know what happened between Clara and Ling-Ling on their honeymoon.
Hero: Well... okay.
The scene fades. It fades back up on Clara and Ling-Ling in their hotel room in Jamaica. Clara again wears her different clothes. She sits on the bed looking sad.
Ling-Ling: Anyway, Ling-Ling think after swimming, we go snorkeling, then parasailing, and if we not too tired, we have sex on beach! Ling-Ling not mean cocktail, though, he mean actual sex on beach. Ling-Ling know Carla not much for sex, but it okay now, she married, God not judge her. It okay to be slut if one married. But if Carla not want sex, Ling-Ling and Carla just go swimming again. What Carla say?
Clara just looks at Ling-Ling for a minute, then breaks down crying. Ling-Ling looks confused.
Ling-Ling: What wrong, Carla?
Clara: (sobbing profusely) That poor cat! (Clara continues crying. Ling-Ling sighs.) He gave me hope but now he's dead! How will I ever find the strength to go on? (Clara begins very loudly bawling. Ling-Ling stands looking irritated.)
The scene cuts to Hero bawling in the confessional. A very irritated Agent Dicker points toward the door. Still crying, Hero gets up and runs out of the room. Dicker sighs and calls outside the door.
Dicker: Next!
Cut to Wooldoor sitting happily in the confessional.
Wooldoor: Clara and Ling-Ling went on their honeymoon and had lots and lots of sex and when they came back, they were in love! The end!
Dicker: Wooldoor, I'm going to need a little more information than that.
Wooldoor: Oh. Well... I think Ling-Ling took his penis and put it inside Clara's vagina somehow. I don't really know how he did it. I mean, I wouldn't think those two would be able to even have sex given the difference in their sizes, all I know is they do it somehow. Ling-Ling does like to hump certain parts of her body, though. So maybe Clara just took whatever necessary garment off and let Ling-Ling just go to town on that body part and maybe for them, THAT'S sex. Or who knows, maybe Ling-Ling DID find a way to get it all the way in her! (Dicker sighs. Wooldoor looks at him.) I think Clara let Ling-Ling touch her boob once!
Dicker: No, Wooldoor. I meant, how did they fall in love?
Wooldoor: Oh. Um... well...
Cut back to Clara and Ling-Ling in their hotel room in Jamaica again. Clara relaxes on the bed while Ling-Ling flips channels on the TV.
Ling-Ling: I've looked through all 72 channels and there isn't a single thing on to watch!
Clara: No, Ling-Ling, I suppose there isn't. (She pauses for a moment.) Wait- (She turns to Ling-Ling, confused.) Ling-Ling, did you just speak perfect English?
Cut back to Wooldoor.
Wooldoor: I don't really know how to duplicate Ling-Ling's speech patterns. If it's okay with you, I'll just have him speak regular English in my flashback.
Dicker: That's fine. So continue.
Cut back to the hotel. Ling-Ling flips past a few more channels. Dissatisfied, he turns the TV off and puts down the remote. He hops onto the bed next to Clara.
Ling-Ling: Clara?
Clara: Ling-Ling, you said my name! Oh, wait, that's just how Wooldoor's telling it. Anyway, go on.
Ling-Ling: Clara... I have something important to ask you.
Clara: What is it, Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling: Well... it's about you. And me. (Clara looks at Ling-Ling attentively. Ling-Ling looks at Clara for a moment, then turns away, embarrassed.)
Clara: What is it, Ling-Ling? It's okay, you can ask me!
Ling-Ling: I'm too ashamed to say it out loud. (Clara looks at him with concern. Ling-Ling pulls out a piece of paper and hands it to Clara.) Clara, I know we're married now, but I really think this is important to our future. (Clara takes the paper and unfolds it.)
Clara: Oh, my!
The camera cuts to an over-the-shoulder shot of Clara holding the paper. On the paper is written. "I like you. Do you like me too?" Underneath the writing are two boxes marked "Yes" and "No". Clara looks at the paper intently for a moment. She then nods her head and takes out a pencil. She makes a mark on it and hands the paper back to Ling-Ling. The camera cuts to an over-the-shoulder shot of Ling-Ling holding the paper. He very cautiously opens the paper up. We see that Clara has marked the box that says "Yes". Ling-Ling throws his arms in the air in exultation. He then jumps into Clara's arms excitedly. The two kiss. The scene dissolves into a large heart. We see fireworks going off in the background as the two continue to kiss.
Wooldoor: (singing) Love, American style... truer than the red, white, and blue... Love, American style...
Dicker: Okay, Wooldoor. You can skip the song.
Wooldoor: But the song's the best part!
Dicker: Yes, well. Be that as it-
Wooldoor: You can't say that, that's Foxxy's catchphrase!
Dicker: We're the government, kid. We can say what we want.
Wooldoor: Okay.
Dicker: Just send in the next person. Okay?
Wooldoor: Okay! (He rushes out. Dicker, facing away from the confessional door, sighs. A very excited Xandir walks up behind Dicker. Dicker does not even turn to face him.)
Dicker: Not Xandir!
Disappointed, Xandir hangs his head and walks away. Spanky enters and sits down.
Spanky: Hey. How's it going?
Dicker: And you would be Spanky Ham, would you not?
Spanky: That's right! So you know me by reputation, huh?
Dicker: Yes, I do. And along those lines, Spanky, I'd just like to advise you to please not turn this into some lurid, kinky sex tale.
Spanky: (looking at Dicker skeptically) Mr. Dicker... this is Clara we're talking about. There are some things even *I* can't make sound sleazy.
Dicker: Wow. Admittedly I don't know Clara very well, but based on what all of you are telling me, it sure doesn't sound like she and Ling-Ling have much of a sex life.
Spanky: Oh, man, you don't know the half of it! Unless Jesus himself walks through the door one day, I think Clara's going to be a virgin until the day she dies! At least... I *think* she's still a virgin. (He looks at Dicker questioningly.) How far do you have to get it into someone for it to count?
Dicker: So they've been married for two years, and nobody here is sure if they've even had sex yet? I'm sorry, but that doesn't sound like much of a marriage to me.
Spanky: Yeah, well... I mean... look how small he is! What... what can they DO in the bedroom, anyway? (Dicker glances to the side.) And besides, what does it matter if they don't have sex? It's been over two years since MY parents have had sex! In fact, it's been closer to five- er... ten- er... (He thinks.) Now how old is my little sister again?
Dicker: We're not talking about an old married couple, Spanky. We're talking about a pair of newlyweds.
Spanky: Come to think of it, that would be kind of funny if they ever went on The Newlywed Game. (imitating Bob Eubanks) Now where is the strangest place you've ever made whoopee? (imitating Clara perfectly as he did in "Dirty Pranking No. 2") Um... we never have! (Spanky begins laughing.) Whoopee. Oh, the 70s were such innocent times! (He looks at Dicker.) Did you ever see Deep Throat?
Dicker: All right, Spanky. I get your point. Clara just isn't a sexual being.
Spanky: That's right!
Dicker: Fine. So could you just tell me why Clara and Ling-Ling got together? That is, assuming there's more to their marriage than just his green card.
Spanky: You really want me to tell you?
Dicker: (sternly) That's kind of the entire point of my being here.
Spanky: All right, then. I'll tell you.
Cut back to the hotel in Jamaica. Ling-Ling sits on the bed flipping through channels on the TV. We hear a voice just offscreen.
Clara: (voice) Oh, Ling-Ling...
Ling-Ling turns. We see Clara standing in the doorway. She is wearing a pink babydoll nightie and the same pink stockings she wore in "Mexican't Buy Me Love"- and nothing else.
Clara: You like my new pajamas, Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling grins and gives Clara the same "sexy" look he gave Ni-Pul in "Clum Babies".
Ling-Ling: Rrrrowr! (Clara walks over and sits down on the bed. She puts her feet in Ling-Ling's lap. Ling-Ling lustfully grasps Clara's legs.)
Clara: I don't know if I like these stockings, though, Ling-Ling. Will you help me take them off? (Ling-Ling nods eagerly.)
As Ling-Ling rolls one of Clara's stockings off, stripper music begins to play. He pulls the stocking free of Clara's foot.
Clara: (wiggling her foot) That feels much better, Ling-Ling!
The stripper music resumes as Ling-Ling rolls off Clara's other stocking. Once both stockings are off, Ling-Ling takes them in one hand and holds them up to his nose. He takes a big sniff and passes out happily.
Clara: No, Ling-Ling! You can't pass out yet! I still have my underwear on!
The scene cuts back to the confessional. Dicker's face is in his hands. He sighs, then looks up.
Dicker: All right, I think that's all of THAT story I need to hear- (He suddenly becomes alarmed.) What the hell? (We see that Spanky is sniffing a pink stocking.) Where did THAT come from?
Spanky: Found it.
Dicker: Just get out, okay?
Spanky shrugs and walks out the door, returning to the living room. He sits back down with the others, then takes the stocking back out and sniffs it again. Hero looks at him.
Hero: Dude! You stole Clara's stocking! Nice!
Toot: Wait a minute! That can't be Clara's stocking! Clara doesn't even wear stockings!
Xandir: It must be one of Toot's, then.
Toot: Can't be mine. All of my stockings are black.
Hero: Foxxy, how dare you let Spanky have one of your stockings to sniff! I thought *I* had first dibs on all your freshly soiled undergarments!
Foxxy: It ain't mine, Hero!
Spanky: Wait. Then... whose is it?
Everyone becomes alarmed. They all turn and look... at Wooldoor. Wooldoor becomes both confused and disturbed.
The scene then cuts to a small apartment somewhere in the city. We see Denise looking frantically through her drawers. On her left foot she wears a pink stocking while her right foot is bare. As she rifles through her clothing, we see that she is very visibly frustrated.
Denise: Goddammit, where the hell is my other stocking?
The scene cuts back to the Drawn Together house. Agent Dicker welcomes Toot into the confessional. She sits down. After fidgeting nervously for a moment, she breaks down.
Toot: All right, all right, I confess! I did it! It was me, okay? Me! I was the one who put chili peppers in everyone's Cheerios that morning! And it was ME who was on the grassy knoll that day! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to extinguish so many innocent lives... but I had to do it! (She leans over toward Dicker and grabs him by the collar.) Don't you understand? My happiness was at stake! My happiness!
Dicker: Miss, why-
Toot: Why? I'll tell you why! I did it... (her voice becomes menacing) for JOHNNY! (She breaks off laughing maniacally. Dicker sighs and takes a step toward her. Toot pulls out a butter knife and holds it up to her throat.) You take one step closer and so help me Christ, I'll cut my own throat! (She then throws the knife down and buries her face in her hands, collapsing into tears.) Oh, Johnny! I hope this means you'll notice me now! (She continues sobbing for a moment. Dicker sighs again. Toot looks up to the sky, crying melodramatically.) Johnnyyyyyyyyyyy!
Dicker: So you would be Toot Braunstein, then? The house's resident drama queen and noted attention whore?
Toot: (suddenly becoming cheerful) One and the same! So what can I do you for?
Dicker: Toot, all I need for you to do is tell me what happened between Clara and Ling-Ling. How did their marriage go from being a marriage of convenience to a marriage of love? Just tell me the story. Don't reinterpret, don't embellish, and most importantly, don't GUESS. Just tell me as succinctly as possible what happened.
Toot: Well... okay.
Cut back to the hotel room in Jamaica. The door opens. Natalie Portman enters wearing a floral print sundress and sandals. Verne Troyer enters behind her wearing an orange body suit and bunny ears modelled to look like Ling-Ling's ears.
Natalie: Oh, Ling-Ling! Our hotel room is so pretty!
Verne: You said it, Clara!
Dicker: (voice) And don't recast their roles, either!
Toot: (voice) (begrudgingly) Fine.
Natalie and Verne disappear, replaced by the original versions of Clara and Ling-Ling. They walk into the hotel room.
Clara: So this is our room, Ling-Ling!
Ling-Ling: That is, Carla!
Clara: You know, Ling-Ling, I still can't believe that I'm actually here... on my honeymoon.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling not believe it either.
Clara: Just a few days ago, I was sad and lonely, but now suddenly I'm married to a wonderful husband, and we're having a beautiful island getaway... it all just seems so perfect! In fact... you know what I feel like doing?
Ling-Ling: What that?
Clara: I feel like... just... singing! (She begins singing sweetly.) Some people wait a lifetime...
Cut back to the confessional.
Toot: (singing very shrilly) For a MOOOOOOOOOOOMENT LIKE THIS!!! (She spreads her arms in a stereotypical diva gesture. Dicker, utterly exasperated, puts his hand to his face while just staring blankly.) Some people searrrrrrrrrrrrch forever... for that OOOOOOOONE SPECIAL KIIIIIIIIIIISS...
Dicker: Toot, please stop.
Toot: Why?
Dicker: Because I highly doubt that Clara stopped her honeymoon to just spontaneously break into song!
Toot: Um... she IS a Disney Princess.
Dicker: Point taken. But please, if you could just skip the song and just get on with the story.
Toot: Fine.
Cut back to the hotel room. Clara and Ling-Ling are both sitting on the bed.
Ling-Ling: So what Carla want to do tonight?
Clara: Oh, I thought we'd just watch television for a while if that's okay.
Ling-Ling: That fine with Ling-Ling.
Clara: Let's see what's on. (Clara turns on the TV.) Oh, look, Ling-Ling! It's our own show! Let's watch and see what things are like when we're not around!
On the television, we see Toot and Hero making out with each other while Spanky and Wooldoor wait in line. Spanky taps Hero on the shoulder.
Spanky: Hey, Hero, are you about done with her? It's my turn now!
Hero: In a minute, Spanky!
Spanky and Wooldoor look at each other and roll their eyes. Suddenly, we see a hand push Wooldoor aside.
Wooldoor: Hey! No cutting in line!
Xandir: But Wooldoor, I wanna make out with Toot!
Clara: (in her hotel room) Oh, wow, Ling-Ling! Toot is so hot, even the gay guy wants her!
Xandir: Toot! Toot! Do me next!
Toot: Go away, Xandir! I already told you I'm not making out with you now or ever!
Xandir: But Toot, you have a massive crush on me and stuff!
Toot: I *had* a crush on you! But that was before I developed the ability to attract a REAL man! (She and Hero resume kissing.)
Xandir: Awwwwww!
Wooldoor: I'll make out with you, Xandir!
Xandir: (excited) Really?
Wooldoor: No. Not really! (He and Spanky snicker to each other.)
Xandir: Awwwwww! (He walks away disappointed.)
At that moment, Foxxy walks in the room.
Foxxy: Hey, Toot. There's a guy at the door asking for you. He said his name was... Brad Pitt? Something like that?
Toot: Tell him he'll have to wait his turn!
Foxxy nods and walks away. The scene cuts back to the confessional. We see that Agent Dicker has left the room.
Toot: (continuing) Johnny Depp? Well, I suppose I could! I mean, you're hot and all! But I can't make out with TOO many guys in one day or else I'll look like a giant whore! Now if you'll all gather round, I want all of you to choose a number between 1 and 100. Whoever is closest to the number I picked gets to actually put it in me! Wait... on second thought, why don't you all just fight to the death? I'll do whoever's still standing!
Cut to the outside of the confessional. A very beleaguered Agent Dicker trudges toward the living room.
Dicker: I give up. I don't know what I'm going to do.
Wooldoor: Can we go yet? It's time for me to go feed Whiskers!
Xandir: I'll go feed your hamster, Wooldoor!
Wooldoor: (coldly) I'd rather he starve!
Hero: (crying) Whiskers... cats have whiskers! Not that it does them any good! (His voice begins cracking.) They still die in the end! (He begins bawling.)
Foxxy: Oh, for God's sake, Hero, just let it go!
Hero: Let it go? How can I let it go, Foxxy? All these years... all that inspiration that poster has given me... it's all worthless! The cat is dead! (He sobs.)
Foxxy: (sighs) Yes, Hero. The cat is dead. But you know what? (She leans over toward him.) Cats die! Things die! It doesn't matter what kind of brave, heroic life you have... the truth is, eventually you're going to die! YOU'RE going to die... I'M going to die... We're all going to die!
Hero: (crying) Then what's the point? If we're all going to be dead eventually, what's the point of even living?
Foxxy: Well... cause that ain't what life's all about! Captain Hero, the point of life is not to not die! The point is to live as good and rich a life as possible and bring happiness to others during the time that you're here!
Hero: Really?
Foxxy: Yes, Hero. Now it's true that someday you're going to die. But as long as you did good with your life while you were here, and you made other people happy... then I'd say that's a life well spent.
Hero: So what you're saying is... it doesn't matter that the cat's dead. What matters is that the cat was there to help me in the first place!
Foxxy: Exactly!
Hero: I guess I never thought of it like that... thanks, Foxxy! I feel okay now!
Foxxy: You're welcome! (Hero begins smiling happily, very pleased with himself.)
Spanky: (looking at the painting) I can't tell... is that a photograph or a painting? You know, for all we know, that probably wasn't even a real cat! (Hero begins bawling again. Spanky chuckles quietly. Foxxy throws her hands up in frustration, then glares at Spanky.)
Dicker: (walking over) Foxxy?
Foxxy: (turning) Yes, Mr. Dicker?
Dicker: You seem like the one person in this house who actually has some sense. If it's okay with you, I'd like to go ahead and interview you now.
Foxxy: Of course, Mr. Dicker! (She gets up.) I'll meet you in the confessional.
Dicker: No, not the confessional. By this point, Toot's probably either naked and/or making out with herself in there. Either way, I'd rather not deal with it.
Foxxy: Fair enough. Where would you like to go, then?
Dicker: Is there anywhere else in the house where we can be guaranteed some privacy?
Foxxy: Only one place I can think of!
Cut to Dicker and Foxxy in the ball pit.
Dicker: Oh, now, THIS is dignified!
Foxxy: It's private. That's what matters.
Dicker: Fair enough. So anyway. Foxxy... can you PLEASE tell me the story of what happened with Clara and Ling-Ling? And please, could you try to get as close to the truth as possible?
Foxxy: I'll try, Mr. Dicker.
Dicker: That's all I ask.
Cut one more time to the hotel room in Jamaica. Clara is preparing to go shopping while Ling-Ling stands watching her. Clara's phone rings. She answers it.
Foxxy: Hello, Clara?
Clara: Hi, Foxxy! I'm glad you called. Ling-Ling and I are having the best time down here! The other day we saw a beached whale. He pretended it was a vicious monster and tried to protect me from it. It was the cutest thing!
Foxxy: That's great, Clara. I need to ask you something real quick. When you were packing for your trip, did you accidentally take Toot's Beauty and the Beast comb?
Clara: Hold on, I'll check. (She gets her comb.) Oh my gosh, you're right, Foxxy! I must have accidentally grabbed it instead of my Lion King comb! Please tell Toot I'm sorry.
Foxxy: Oh, that's okay, Clara. So are you enjoying the honeymoon?
Clara: I've been having a wonderful time, Foxxy. It's been so nice I've almost forgotten it isn't even a real honeymoon.
Foxxy: I'm almost kind of jealous of you, you know? If Ling-Ling had accepted my offer, I'd be the one down there right now instead of you.
Clara: Your offer? What do you mean?
Foxxy: Before you came downstairs that day, I told Ling-Ling I'd marry him to help him stay in the country, but he didn't seem interested. But it's all right. I couldn't have gone to Jamaica no way because of my probation. Now how was the Foxxy supposed to know it was illegal to have sex while you're trying to drive a car! I just wish the cop I was giving it to at the time had of told me that!
Clara: Thanks, Foxxy. I'll call you later, okay? Bye. (She hangs up and turns to Ling-Ling.)
Ling-Ling: Who that?
Clara: That was Foxxy, Ling-Ling.
Ling-Ling: What chocolate animal woman have to say?
Clara: She asked me if I had Toot's comb.
Ling-Ling: Oh. Okay.
The two of them look at each other.
Ling-Ling: So... um... what now?
Clara: Uh... (She pauses for a moment. She and Ling-Ling look at each other.) Uh... (Ling-Ling looks at her questioningly.) I... love you?
Cut back to Foxxy and Dicker in the ball pit. Dicker is unamused.
Foxxy: And that is how Clara and Ling-Ling came to decide they was really in love with each other! The end!
Dicker: Foxxy...
Foxxy: (sighs) Okay, fine. You want the truth, Mr. Dicker? I don't exactly know what happened between Clara and Ling-Ling in Jamaica. None of us do.
Dicker: (sarcastically) You don't say!
Foxxy: I wish I had more information for you than that. But the fact is, I don't. None of us was even there!
Dicker: I understand that. But I thought for sure they'd have told you about it when they got back!
Foxxy: Well, they did. But... well... I don't know whether maybe we wasn't paying enough attention... or maybe Clara didn't do a good enough job of getting the idea across. The truth is, I ain't exactly sure how Clara and Ling-Ling came to fall in love. All I know is that when they got back from Jamaica, they was IN love.
Dicker: I see.
Foxxy: I can tell you don't believe me. But I swear, that really is the truth!
Dicker: How can you be so sure, Foxxy? I mean, you don't know what happened, you didn't really understand what happened even after you were told... how can you be so sure they were actually in love? I mean- (He thinks for a moment, then appears to come to some sort of realization.) Okay... let's try THAT line of thought. Foxxy... what was it about Clara and Ling-Ling that convinced YOU they were really in love?
Foxxy: Oh, I can tell you what it was that convinced ME. It was the change in Clara.
Dicker: The change?
Foxxy: Well, before she got married, Clara was ignorant, closed-minded, and intolerant. Once she got back from Jamaica... she was happy. For the first time in her life, I really think she was at peace with herself. I mean, sure, the racism and stuff didn't go away overnight. But after that... it was the first time since we've been in the house that I could see Clara was really trying to better herself. She wanted to change. She didn't want to just be happy... she actually wanted to be a better person. And I really think it was finding love with Ling-Ling that gave her that motivation.
Dicker: Thank you, Foxxy. That's exactly what I was looking for.
Foxxy: You're welcome.
Cut to Spanky in the ball pit with Dicker.
Spanky: All of a sudden, Clara stopped getting pissed off whenever I made some kind of sexual innuendo toward her. She would just roll her eyes at me. That's when *I* realized she had changed!
Cut to Toot in the ball pit.
Toot: Clara seemed really concerned with making me her friend. She'd never seemed the least bit interested in being my friend before. But she was determined to change her life... and that made ME determined to change MY life. That was when *I* could tell that there was something different about Clara.
Cut to Hero in the ball pit.
Hero: Clara stopped judging me for all my kinky sexual perversions! Used to, she would walk past my door while I was giving it to some chick and she'd be all, "Ewww, you pig, you're going to hell for that!" Then the next thing I know, she's all "Do what you want, just as long as I don't have to look at it!" I'm telling you, Mr. Dicker, something had changed her!
Cut to Wooldoor in the ball pit.
Wooldoor: Clara was always nice, don't get me wrong. But used to, she would never hang out downstairs with the group whenever we'd play a dirty sex game. But after that, she would! I mean, she wouldn't participate, but she'd still come to hang out with us! She just seemed to enjoy everyone's company a lot more after that. I think something really did change!
Cut to Dicker in the ball pit, seemingly alone. He looks decidedly unamused.
Dicker: Xandir?
Xandir: (moving around under the balls) What?
Dicker: Xandir, get your mouth off my penis right this instant.
Xandir: (poking his head out of the balls) Sorry! I just thought it was time!
Dicker shakes his head. Xandir shrugs. The scene changes back to the living room. The housemates all sit around nervously. Finally, Dicker enters the room.
Dicker: Okay, everyone. I've thought about it... and I've finally made my decision.
Spanky: Well?
Dicker: I have decided that the six of you are all a bunch of LOONIES!
Toot: Hey! (Foxxy looks at her.) Well, okay.
Dicker: I mean, God! I ask you one simple question and nobody in this house can give me a straight answer. All I want to know is how Clara and Ling-Ling fell in love. And somehow, the six of you manage to give me all these wild, unbelievable scenarios, as if I'm somehow supposed to believe that royal bitching, stocking sniffing, terrible singing, third grade love notes, and dead cats are all somehow part of the same love story!
Toot: Hey, I'm a good singer when I try!
Spanky: Try harder.
Dicker: Clearly, none of you have the slightest idea what happened to Clara and Ling-Ling in Jamaica. You obviously don't have your stories straight at ALL. (The housemates all look at each other in panic.) Which in my view, I can only take to mean that the marriage is legitimate!
Everyone is surprised, but clearly excited.
Wooldoor: What? Really?
Dicker: Oh, yeah. If this was a fake marriage, you'd have been able to cover a lot better than THAT. Clearly, the marriage is for real!
Toot: So does this mean that Clara can stay?
Foxxy: Clara's not the one being deported, Toot. (Toot turns.)
Toot: Oh, right. (Toot turns back to Dicker.) So does this mean that Ling-Ling can stay?
Dicker: Yes. Ling-Ling can stay. (Everyone is excited. Dicker looks at the group.) Now, then. Are all of YOU officially recognized American citizens?
Hero: Yes. Why?
Dicker: Because in that case, it means I don't ever have to come to this stupid house ever AGAIN! (Briefcase in hand, he puts his hat back on.) Goodbye, you bunch of utter psychopaths! (Dicker turns and walks out the door. The group congregates excitedly.)
Toot: Oh, my God! That was close! For a minute there, I thought Ling-Ling was really going to get kicked out of the country!
Foxxy: I think that just goes to show, y'all. If the six of us- eight of us, whenever Clara and Ling-Ling's here- if we all band together... the bunch of us can do ANYTHING!
Toot: Yeah! No damn outsider's gonna come in here and tear US apart!
Hero: That's right!
Xandir: You said it, Toot! All that matters is that we're together! Drawn to-
At that moment, Spanky pops up behind Xandir and whacks him in the skull with a tire iron. Xandir collapses in a heap on the floor.
Spanky: I told him I was gonna do that!
Wooldoor: So when Clara and Ling-Ling come back, are we going to tell them how close Ling-Ling came to being deported again?
Foxxy: I don't know... they're pretty happy now. Maybe we'd just be worrying them for no reason.
Hero: No, Foxxy, I think they'd like to know. I think it would make them feel good to know that not only is their marriage solid, but all their friends totally have their backs!
Foxxy: Hmm. I guess you're right, Hero. Okay, y'all. Let's tell them!
Toot: (sticking her hand up) Ooh! I wanna do it! Zooey Deschanel can play me, Brandon Routh can play Captain Hero, and Jerry Orbach can play the beleaguered Agent Dicker!
Spanky: Toot, um... isn't Jerry Orbach dead?
Toot: Oh, right.
The housemates look down thoughtfully. However, at that moment, we hear a very soft sound off the side. Foxxy sighs.
Hero: (crying) Jerry Orbach is dead!
He begins bawling. Spanky, Toot, Wooldoor, and Xandir get up and begin to trudge out of the room. Foxxy sighs and walks over to Hero. Putting her arm around him, she lets Hero cry on her shoulder. The scene fades.
THE END