Post by Raymond-Raymond on Oct 26, 2008 21:42:11 GMT -5
SCREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS
The show opens on a long shot of the house. There are scary decorations all over the exterior of the house. A fake body dangles from a noose tied to the big tree outside. The scene changes to the interior, where we see the living room decked out for a big Halloween party. We cut to Clara in the confessional. There are scary decorations all around the confessional as well, and the confessional chair is a high-backed chair with padded armrests, resembling something straight out of a gothic horror novel.
Clara (in confessional): It was Halloween.
Toot: (from offscreen): Duhhhhhhh!
Clara (in confessional): (looking offscreen in Toot's direction) Ah, Toot, I see you've decided to dress up as a witch. (She gasps mockingly.) Oh, I'm sorry, you haven't put your costume on yet!
Toot: (offscreen) Oh ha ha, very funny!
Offstage voice: (as Clara sits confused, just watching) Excuse me, can I have my seat back now?
Toot: (offscreen) Oh, come on! I like it here!
Offstage voice: Don't you have to be in the show or something?
Toot: (offscreen) Nah, I'd rather just sit here and make smartass comments like you do!
Offstage voice: Look, if you'll get out of my seat, I promise to boo all the fat jokes they make about you.
Toot: (offscreen) Fine. Have your seat back. I'm going to go get ready for the party.
Clara continues to sit in the confessional chair, confused.
Offstage voice: So are you just gonna sit there or are we gonna get this show on the road?
Clara (in confessional): Sorry. I just wasn't sure if you guys were done.
Offstage voice: Yeah, we're done. So could you just get on with it?
Clara (in confessional): Um... I forgot where I was.
Offstage voice: Oh, this is ridiculous! I'm outta here! (We hear him get up and leave.)
Clara (in confessional): So anyway-
Toot: (offscreen) Booooooooooo!
Clara (in confessional): I just thought I would let all of you guys know that if you hear a blood-curdling scream in the next few minutes, it isn't a special effect we cooked up for the party. It'll be me murdering Toot.
Toot: (offscreen) Um... I'm gonna leave now.
Clara (in confessional): Good choice.
Clara smiles contentedly at the camera.
CUE OPENING TITLES
Clara (in confessional): It was Halloween. We had decided to throw a big Halloween party, and I volunteered to host it! And as the host, I also got to choose the theme for the party. And I think I settled on the perfect theme to go with all these spooky, scary, macabre decorations... Disney!
Cut to the living room, where we see Clara continuing to put up decorations. She is clad in her sack dress, which has been refashioned to look like buckskin, and wears an Indian necklace around her neck. Xandir walks in.
Xandir: Hey, Clara, do you have a minute? I have something I need to talk to you about. (Clara turns around.)
Clara: Xandir! Why aren't you in costume yet? The guests are going to be arriving any minute! (Xandir starts to say something, but Clara stops him.) And I already told you're not allowed to be Mowgli from the Jungle Book! Not after what happened last year!
Cut to last year's Halloween party. As the group stands around watching in disbelief, Xandir, dressed as Mowgli, is doing a striptease.
Xandir: (singing) Oh, the... bare necessities... (he reaches down and grabs his loincloth)... the simple bare necessities... (We cut to Clara with her hands over her eyes cringing.) That's why Xandir can rest at ease, with just the bare necessities of life!
The loincloth hits Clara in the face. She puts her hands down, not amused. The scene changes back to the present.
Xandir: I still don't think that was any reason to disqualify me from the Best Costume contest! I mean, show me where in the rules it states that one has to keep said costume on the entire party! (Clara sighs.) Well, it doesn't really matter, Clara. This year, I'm not going to be Mowgli, Aladdin, or anybody else. I'm not going to be attending your party this year.
Clara: (upset) What? You can't miss my party, Xandir! Everybody has to be there!
Xandir: I'm sorry, Clara. But I can't go.
Clara: What, you got a hot date with Fernando or something?
Xandir: That's not it at all, Clara. I won't be going to your party because I find your theme very offensive.
Clara: You find DISNEY offensive? YOU, the most liberal person this side of Hillary Clinton, find the world's leading name in family entertainment for over 80 years OFFENSIVE?
Xandir: Precisely!
Clara: Explain.
Xandir: Clara, Disney discriminates against gay people! Did you realize there isn't a single gay Disney character?
Clara: What about-
Xandir: Peter Pan doesn't count!
Clara: Okay, fine, Xandir. There are no gay Disney characters. But come on, it's not like sexuality is an important component of the Disney universe. I mean, most Disney characters don't even have genitals!
Xandir: Yes, well, that's another thing that offends me, but that's not important now. But it isn't just the lack of gay characters. Look what they do to their own stars. Now that Lindsay Lohan is dating another woman, Disney won't have anything to do with her!
Clara: Right. And it couldn't possibly have anything to do with her 16 DUIs, could it?
Xandir: Did you know they don't let gays in Disneyland?
Clara: Yes, they do.
Xandir: Really? (His interest becomes piqued.) Hmm...
Clara: Xandir, quit your whining and go get into your costume, okay? The party's going to start soon.
Xandir: So that's how it is, is it? My problems don't mean anything to you. All you care about is your stupid party.
Clara: Xandir, that's not what I meant.
Xandir: Forget it, Clara. Now I want to be a part of this thing even less. (Clara sighs.) I hope you guys have fun down here. I'm going to spend the evening silently protesting in my room! (He turns and begins to walk upstairs, then stops briefly.) And the door will be locked, so don't even think about trying to come upstairs and drag me down here!
Clara: (turning toward the stairs) Xandir P. Wifflebottom, you come right back down here this instant! (Xandir gives Clara the "talk to the hand" gesture, then turns and walks back upstairs. Clara turns around in frustration.) Goddammit!
As Clara fumes, Ling-Ling enters the living room, dressed as Stitch. He walks up behind Clara.
Ling-Ling: Carla, what wrong? (Clara turns.)
Clara: Oh, I just had a stupid fight with Xandir over- (She sees Ling-Ling and becomes shocked.) Ling-Ling! Why are you dressed as Stitch?
Ling-Ling: This what Ling-Ling wanted to wear!
Clara: But I thought we agreed you were going to be Meeko! Come on, Ling-Ling, don't you remember last month when we watched Pocahontas together, how cute I said it would be if this Halloween, I dressed up as Pocahontas and you dressed up as my little raccoon friend?
Ling-Ling: Yeah... it just... Ling-Ling thought it be more fun to be Stitch! Come on, can't Carla imagine Ling-Ling doing hula dance and singing Elvis songs? Carla can't buy cuteness like that!
Clara: But Ling-Ling, you're my husband! Our costumes are supposed to go together!
Ling-Ling: (looking at Clara seductively) Well... Carla could always be Lilo!
Clara: Well, I *would* look great in a Hawaiian dress and sandals... (She pauses.) But... if we then had sex dressed like that, it would feel like Lilo was molesting Stitch! And that's not right!
Ling-Ling: That any worse than Pocahontas molesting raccoon?
Clara: Point taken. (She nods.) Look, Ling-Ling. I can understand you wanting to be Stitch. I just thought it would be cute if you were my sidekick.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling understand. But he rather be own person, if that okay. Maybe he be Carla sidekick next year.
Clara: All right.
Ling-Ling smiles at Clara. At that moment, he is interrupted by a voice behind him.
Spanky: Ah! There's my sidekick!
Alarmed, Ling-Ling turns. We see Spanky standing there, dressed in a green body suit with one large eye.
Ling-Ling: Whatchoo talkin' about, pig? Ling-Ling not anybody's sidekick!
Spanky: Of course you are, my main man! I mean, that blue costume... you obviously dressed as Sulley- the perfect companion piece to my Mike Wasowski costume!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling not Sulley! He Stitch!
Spanky: Well, yes, Ling-Ling, you are pretty funny, I'll admit. But come on, Ling-Ling! I thought we had a deal! I was going to be Mike from Monsters Inc and you were going to be my best friend Sulley! Come on, Ling-Ling, why else do you think I'd wear this ridiculous get-up?
Ling-Ling: What Spanky talk about? That perfect costume for honorable pig demon!
Spanky: Let me guess. Because I have one eyebrow to go over my one eye?
Ling-Ling: Exactly!
Spanky: Come on, Ling-Ling, we had a deal!
Ling-Ling: No deal! Just because Ling-Ling small not mean he have to be anybody's sidekick!
At that moment, Toot walks in, dressed as Snow White.
Toot: Ling-Ling! Why aren't you dressed as Dopey? I thought we had a deal!
Ling-Ling: (so frustrated he can barely speak) AAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH! (Ling-Ling turns around and scampers out of the room. Toot and Spanky look at Clara questioningly. Clara simply shakes her head disapprovingly. Spanky turns to Toot.)
Spanky: Hey, Toot, if you want somebody to be your dwarf, why don't you just make Marty do it?
Toot: Very funny, Spanky. Marty may be short, but he's not a dwarf!
Spanky: Dwarf, leprechaun... what's the difference? (Toot rolls her eyes at Spanky.)
Toot: (suddenly noticing how Spanky is dressed.) Um, Spanky? You sure you want to be wearing that?
Spanky: No, I'm not. Not at all. But why is it important to you?
Toot: I just think it might be a little scary for the kids, that's all.
Spanky: Kids? What kids? There are kids coming to this party? Clara, I didn't know you invited any kids! Don't you realize that if any kids show up, it would limit the opportunities for a potential "wardrobe malfunction" on the part of the female party guests?
Toot: I don't mean at the party, Spanky. I mean, the kids coming to our door to trick or treat. I just think they might find your costume a little scary, that's all.
Spanky: What difference does it make if they find MY costume scary? YOU'RE the one who's going to be manning the door handing out candy tonight!
Toot: Ohhhhhhh, no, I'm not! I watched the door last year! This year it's YOUR turn!
Spanky: Nobody ever said anything about it being a rotation! No, the way it works is, everybody has a predefined job at the party. And your job is to watch the door and hand out candy.
Toot: And what's YOUR job?
Spanky: My job is to make sure you do YOUR job!
Toot: Oh, come on, Spanky, I am not watching the door two years in a row! It's just not fair!
Spanky: But you were so good at it, Toot!
Toot: Forget it. YOU'RE watching the door this year, Spanky!
Clara: Guys, guys! You don't have to fight about it! Why don't you just take it in shifts or something? (Toot and Spanky both turn and look at Clara.)
Spanky: Oh? Is Princess Stereotype going to delegate her authority on us?
Toot: Yeah, Clara! Who died and left you in charge?
Clara: Well, I *am* the host!
Spanky: And just why does it have to be between Toot and me, anyway? Why can't someone else do it? (Spanky looks at Clara.) It's because I have one eye, isn't it?
Clara: (growing tired of arguing) That's right, Spanky. People with one eye have to watch the door. That's the rule. I'm sorry.
Toot: Ha! (She sticks her tongue out at Spanky. At that moment, Foxxy walks in from the kitchen, dressed as Esmeralda.)
Foxxy: It might be a moot point, y'all.
Toot: What do you mean?
Foxxy: I just looked in the cupboard, and it don't look like we're going to need anybody to watch the door this year, seeing as we have no candy to give out because somebody already ATE it all!
Spanky: Dammit, Toot!
Toot: Hey, it wasn't me! Goddammit, how come any time food goes missing in this house, everybody always assumes it was me who ate it?
Spanky: Cause it usually is.
Toot: Well, it wasn't this time!
Spanky: You sure? (He looks at her stomach.) Cause you look a little fatter...
Toot draws back and punches Spanky in the stomach. He doubles over in pain.
Foxxy: Now, Toot, was that really necessary?
Toot: I did not eat the Halloween candy, goddammit!
Foxxy: Then who did?
Toot: Well, believe it or not, there *is* somebody in this house with a bigger sweet tooth than *me*...
Foxxy looks at Toot skeptically. Wooldoor enters dressed in cowboy gear.
Wooldoor: Hey, guys! What happened to all the Halloween candy?
Toot: Why don't you tell us, Wooldoor? Or did you black out after you ate it all?
Wooldoor: Hey, I didn't do it!
Toot: Oh, please. Who else in this house would eat an entire cupboardful of candy in one sitting? (Foxxy clears her throat. Toot becomes irritated.) BESIDES me?
Wooldoor: Nobody! That means it was you, Toot!
Toot: Oh, come on, Wooldoor! You were the one who ate all the Christmas candy two years ago. Everybody knows you'd sell your soul for- (Suddenly, she notices his costume.) Wooldoor? Why are you dressed as Twinkie the Kid? Did you forget this is a Disney party?
Wooldoor: I'm not Twinkie the Kid! I'm Woody from Toy Story!
Toot: Well, you look like a damn Twinkie!
Wooldoor: I think Toot's got Twinkies on the brain. I guess a whole cupboardful of candy isn't enough to satisfy THAT huge appetite!
Toot: Wooldoor, you quit that right now and confess to what you did or else I'm going to- (She holds her fist up threateningly.)
Foxxy: Toot, give it a rest. You ain't foolin' anyone! (Toot reacts with disbelief. Wooldoor sticks his tongue out at her.) Now fess up to what you did and quit harassing poor Wooldoor!
Toot: Goddammit, I didn't do anything!
Wooldoor: If it's any comfort to you guys, the candy isn't COMPLETELY gone! (He holds up a bag.) We still have one bag left! (He hands the bag to Toot, who scowls.)
Toot: Black licorice? Are you kidding me? (She begins to fume.)
Wooldoor: Oh, you don't like black licorice either? I guess not, seeing as it's the only bag you left in the cupboard!
Toot glares and turns toward Wooldoor angrily, a look of murder in her eyes. Wooldoor becomes instantly frightened and turns and bolts out of the room. He takes off upstairs. The scene changes to the upstairs hallway. Wooldoor runs up to one of the doors and begins knocking on it frantically.
Wooldoor: (knocking) Captain Hero! Captain Hero! Help me!
Captain Hero opens the door, dressed as Hercules.
Hero: Ooh! A damsel in distress! It's been a while since I've had the chance to save one of those type of- oh, it's just you, Wooldoor. What do you want?
Wooldoor: Captain Hero, you've got to protect me! I think Toot wants to kill me!
Hero: Of course, Wooldoor! I'd be glad to- (He begins looking at Wooldoor curiously.) Wooldoor, you do know that Twinkie the Kid isn't a Disney character, right?
Wooldoor: No, Hero! I'm not Twinkie! I'm Woody!
Hero: Well, you DO look like a large penis...
At that moment, Foxxy enters.
Foxxy: Wooldoor? (Wooldoor turns to Foxxy.) It's okay, Wooldoor. I made Toot promise to leave you alone.
Wooldoor: Thanks, Foxxy!
Foxxy: Just try not to say anything else to her about the candy, okay? Just between you and me, I think she's a little embarrassed about what she did. I think that's why she was lashing out at you like that.
Wooldoor: It's okay, Foxxy. We all make mistakes.
Hero: We sure do! Well, you run along back to the party, Wooldoor. If I know Clara, this party could start getting out of control pretty soon and they're going to need Twinkie the Kid to maintain law and order! (Wooldoor looks at Hero sadly. Foxxy nudges Hero with her elbow.) I mean, Sheriff Woody.
Wooldoor: Okay, Mr. Hero! I won't let you down! (Wooldoor takes off. Foxxy turns to Hero.)
Hero: So what'd you say to Toot?
Foxxy: I told her to leave Wooldoor alone or he'd take his clothes off and parade around naked.
Hero: She doesn't like that?
Foxxy: No, would you believe it?
Hero: Speaking of clothing, Foxxy... are you really sure this Hercules costume is right for my character?
Foxxy: What do you mean? You're both big strong heroes! Hercules is perfect for you!
Hero: But I'm a superhero! Superheroes aren't supposed to require armor for protection!
Foxxy: Hero...
Hero: All right, fine. The sandals dig into my calves and the armor chafes me.
Foxxy: Did you remember to wear underwear before you put it on?
Hero: What is this... "underwear" you speak of?
Foxxy: Okay, Hero, fine. You don't want to be Hercules. Do you have a better idea?
Hero: As a matter of fact, I do!
As Foxxy looks on, Hero dashes out of the camera's view. From offscreen, we hear him do the Tarzan yell. He pops back up in front of Foxxy, now clad in only a loincloth.
Hero: What do you think?
Foxxy: Well... I gots to admit, that costume does bring out your- (the camera zooms in on Hero's barely covered crotch)- "heroic" qualities a little better than that other one did.
Hero: (putting his arm around Foxxy) It's not too late for you to be Jane, you know.
Foxxy: (looking at Hero seductively) So you saying that Tarzan wouldn't want to make it with a wild gypsy woman?
Hero: (returning Foxxy's seductive look) Now this is the kind of crossover fiction I can totally endorse!
The two grab hold of each other and begin passionately making out. They start to fall back on the bed, but are quickly interrupted when they realize someone else is in the bed.
Foxxy: What the hell?
Two faces pop out from under the covers. They are Foxxy's parents, dressed as Darkwing Duck and Morgana Macawber.
Ricky: I couldn't agree more, Captain Hero. Roleplaying is the best!
Foxxy: Could you two explain to me what y'all's doing in OUR room?
Bunny: We got here early and we was gonna come up here and say hello to you and Captain Hero, but you wasn't here, so we decided to wait.
Ricky: And while we was waiting, I got to thinking that it would be a shame to let this nice bed go to waste...
Foxxy: I get the idea. Well, I'm glad you two was able to make it to the party. Now if you'll excuse me and Hero, we've got other things to do. (Foxxy grabs Hero by the hand and walks out the door.)
Hero: (as he passes through the door) Like each other! (Hero exits the room as well. The scene changes to Hero and Foxxy in the hallway.)
Foxxy: Do you believe that? My own parents came up to our room and started having sex without even letting us know they was here?
Hero: Why not? We did the same thing when we went to THEIR house last week!
Foxxy: Yeah, but we're young and horny, and our hormones are still running wild. We're SUPPOSED to do stuff like that! They're old people, they should know better!
Hero: So now what? Are we just going to give up?
Foxxy: No, don't worry, Hero, we ain't giving up. I'll tell you what. Let's go downstairs and mingle with the party for a few minutes so we can say we put in an appearance. Then when Clara's not looking, we'll sneak off somewhere and get back to business!
Hero: Ooh, I like that idea! (Hero begins to look confused.) Um... you did mean sex, right? (Foxxy nods. Hero claps happily.)
Hero and Foxxy walk downstairs. The party is now in full swing. The living room is full of guests, all dressed as assorted Disney characters. Unusually Flexible Girl, wearing a seashell bra and a fishtail, sits on the couch next to Bleh, wearing a red T-shirt and holding a large jar labelled "Hunny".
Bleh: I don't know why people keep talking about it. I don't even like Matt Damon!
UFG: Yeah, I know, I don't get it either!
Bleh: So how come you to pick Ariel? Doesn't that costume kind of restrict your movement?
UFG: Not a problem. Watch! (UFG stretches arm way out. When she pulls it back to her, her hand is holding a drink.)
Bleh: Nice!
The camera cuts to Spanky watching Bleh and UFG from a distance. He turns to Clara, pouring herself a drink from the punch bowl.
Spanky: Hey, Clara. I'm kind of surprised YOU didn't pick Ariel!
Clara: Yeah, right. Like I'm going to walk around in a fishtail the whole night!
Spanky: You don't have to be THAT version of Ariel. You could be Ariel from that scene after she first got her legs!
Clara: You mean when she was completely naked from the waist down?
Spanky: Naked from the waist down? Don't be silly, Clara! If Ariel was naked from the waist down, there would be porn of it on the internet! (Suddenly, a thought occurs to him.) Hmm... I wonder how quickly I can boot up my computer...
Spanky takes off upstairs as Clara rolls her eyes and turns away. The camera cuts to Excludie, wearing a mane and dressed as the adult version of Simba from The Lion King, talking to Munchkin Mouse, wearing a red jumpsuit with a white stripe down the front.
Munchkin Mouse: Well... I just took a red jumpsuit and added this racing stripe here, which I feel is sharp, and voila! I'm Lightning McQueen!
Excludie: That's kind of lame, Munchkin Mouse.
Munchkin Mouse: Well, at least I didn't go as Mickey like my wife wanted me to do!
Excludie: You're married?
Munchkin Mouse: Oh, yeah! Here, I'll introduce her to you! (He turns to the side.) Oh, honey? Would you come over here and meet my friend? (Denise walks over dressed as Princess Aurora.)
Denise: I told you, Mouse, I'll pretend to be your wife at the Halloween party if you want, but if I have to answer to "Honey", it's an extra fifty bucks.
Munchkin Mouse: (turning to Excludie) We fight a lot, but the sex is fantastic!
Cut to Clara back at the punch bowl. Hero and Foxxy walk up to her.
Foxxy: Hey, Clara! How's the party going?
Clara: There seem to be a few snags, but for the most part, it seems to be running pretty smoothly.
Foxxy: Good, good. So how do you like our costumes?
Clara: Well, I like YOUR costume, Foxxy... (she turns to Hero)... but Hero? I thought we agreed, Mowgli from The Jungle Book is strictly off limits!
Hero: I'm not Mowgli! I'm Tarzan!
Clara: What's the difference?
Foxxy: Hero's body vs. Xandir's.
Clara: Ah yes, good point.
Hero: (to Foxxy) Is that enough time talking to Clara? She knows we're here, can we go do our thing now?
Clara: What are you guys talking about? You're not planning on cutting out on the party, are you?
Foxxy: Not at all, Clara!
Hero: Yes, we were, Clara. Foxxy and I were planning to cut out on the party. We're very sorry. (Foxxy looks at Hero in disbelief. Clara raises her eyebrows.)
Clara: Oh, really, now!
Hero: That's right, Clara. Foxxy and I were about to run outside into the chilly late October night dressed just like we are, both of us barefoot and me practically naked!
Clara: Okay, I get it. Sarcasm. Fine, you guys. I'm sorry I got paranoid about your running out on the party. Please forgive me, okay? It's the first time I've ever hosted a party by myself and I guess I'm a little edgy.
Foxxy: That's all right, Clara. And for what it's worth, I think you're doing a great job!
Clara: Thanks, Foxxy! Well, I'm going to go find Ling-Ling. And you can take it as a sign of just how much confidence I have in you two that I'm willing to walk away from you and know that you're not going to skip out on me. (Clara turns and walks away.)
Foxxy: Thank you, Clara! (She turns to Hero.) Hero, I don't give you enough credit. What you did right there with Clara, that was brilliant!
Hero: What do you mean?
Foxxy: Getting her off our backs by getting all sarcastic with her and acting like we was going to run out on her party when clearly we ain't neither of us dressed to be running around outside!
Hero: Thanks, Foxxy!
Foxxy: So where are we going to go have sex?
Hero: Outside! (He grabs Foxxy and runs toward the front door.)
Foxxy: (as Hero is dragging her along) I should have seen that one coming.
Hero and Foxxy run out the door. The camera remains in the living room, following the party.
Spanky: Well, I'm just saying you could have left something besides the black licorice. Do you KNOW how angry those kids are going to be when this is all I have to give them?
Toot: Spanky, for the last time, I did not eat the goddamn candy!
Spanky: Then who did?
Toot: I already told you who.
Spanky: Toot, I already told you, none of us judges you for being an insatiable glutton. Well... not anymore, at least. But quit trying to blame Wooldoor for something you did!
Toot: Spanky... can your tiny pig brain even entertain for one moment the thought that I might actually be telling the truth here? I mean, yes, I won't lie, I like candy. But I'm not the only person in the house who does! (She begins to think.) You know... you seem pretty determined to pin this crime on me, Spanky. If I didn't know better, I'd swear it was YOU who ate all the candy!
Spanky: Okay. I see how it is. You think that just because I have one eye, it means I ate all the candy! Sure... blame it on the little guy... with ONE EYE! (Toot glares at Spanky.)
The scene cuts to Wooldoor. He is talking to Reunitee and Thundercat, dressed as Jasmine and Aladdin, respectively. Reunitee wears pink harem pants.
Wooldoor: What I don't understand is, why did we even BUY any black licorice? Nobody likes that stuff- not even Toot! And she once ate a toaster!
Cut to a flashback of the gang at breakfast one day. The group glares angrily at Toot, who is standing in front of an empty spot on the counter where the toaster should be. A disconnected cord is still plugged into the outlet.
Toot: What? My bread was stuck!
Cut back to Wooldoor, Reunitee, and Thundercat.
Reunitee: I love black licorice, Wooldoor! I'll take it if you don't want it!
Wooldoor: Okay! (He hands her the bag.)
Thundercat: By the way, Wooldoor, I love your costume!
Wooldoor: Why, thank you!
Thundercat: But refresh my memory, Wooldoor. Which Disney movie had the Twinkie cowboy in it?
Wooldoor: (reacting the same way Ling-Ling did earlier in the episode) AAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH! (Wooldoor turns around and runs out the front door. Reunitee and Thundercat look at each other and both shrug.)
Cut to the outside of the house. Hero and Foxxy are scurrying along the side of the house. Hero holds Foxxy by the hand as they run.
Hero: Come on, Foxxy! Everyone else is busy in the living room! If we go all the way around to the back of the house, we'll be completely alone!
As the camera cuts to a shot of Hero from the front, we see a long rope appear in front of him. As he and Foxxy run in the direction of the rope, we see a figure climbing down the rope dressed in a Tinkerbell costume. Naturally, Hero makes it to the rope at just the right moment to collide with the figure coming down. Hero lets go of Foxxy and steps back. The impact causes the figure to let go of the rope and fall to the ground.
Hero: All right, fella, what's the big idea? You trying to sneak into our house? (Hero grabs the figure by the shoulder and turns its head toward himself.)
Xandir: No, just the opposite! I'm trying to LEAVE!
Hero: Sneaking out of Clara's party, huh? That's cool- so are we!
Foxxy: Now hold on a minute, Xandir. I thought you told Clara that you wasn't gonna be attending her party cause you were offended at the theme.
Xandir: That's right, Foxxy, I am! I was very offended that she chose a Disney theme for the party when there are no gay Disney characters. That's why I told her that I was going to lock myself in my room out of protest! (Foxxy stares at him.) And I meant to! Really, I did! But... Fernando is having a Halloween party of his own tonight, and I guess the temptation was just too much for me.
Foxxy: I see. So tell me something, Xandir. If you really were offended at the party's Disney theme-
Xandir: Oh, I was, I was!
Foxxy: Then why is it you is now currently dressed as Tinkerbell? Who, if I am not mistaken, is a DISNEY CHARACTER???
Xandir: Um... um... er... well, you know...
Foxxy: You know, Xandir, if I didn't know better, I'd swear you cooked that whole story up just to get out of having to attend Clara's party!
Xandir freezes like a deer caught in the headlights. At that moment, we hear the sharp, clear voice of a new figure entering the scene.
Clara: (walking into view) Aha! I suspected something was up, Xandir! You know, something about your little protest didn't quite ring true to me, but I was prepared to give you the benefit of the doubt. But now- now that I see that my suspicions were right all along-
As Clara holds a finger in his face, threateningly, Xandir cowers. Hero and Foxxy take this opportunity to discreetly exit the scene.
Xandir: Please don't hurt me, Clara!
Clara: Xandir, are you trying to make me look bad?
Xandir: Well, you ARE the biggest threat to my title as prettiest person in the house!
Clara: Xandir, just put yourself in my shoes for a minute.
Xandir: But you're not even wearing-
Clara: It's just an expression, okay? And it's not even the first time you've used that joke. And it wasn't even a funny joke to begin with. But anyway. Everybody thinks of me as uptight, prudish, no-fun Clara. So I thought I would volunteer to host the Halloween party to show everybody that I can be as relaxed and fun as anybody else!
Xandir: Yeah, "relaxed and fun". You're sure nailing that one right now!
Clara: I'm just trying to throw a cool, fun party where everyone has a great time. And you guys are not exactly making it easy on me! I mean, between you raising a stink about the theme which I come to find out you're not even sincere about anyway, and Spanky spending the whole party trying to pry off Unusually Flexible Girl's fishtail despite her protests that she isn't even naked under there, and Toot gobbling up all the candy so we don't have anything to give to the trick or treaters-
Toot: (suddenly appearing behind Clara) Oh, goddammit, people, whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty?
Clara: (turning around to where Toot is) Toot, is there a reason you came out here other than to conveniently overhear me talking about you?
Toot: Is there a reason YOU came out here other than to conveniently catch Xandir trying to sneak out?
Clara: Point taken.
Toot: Anyway, I just wanted to ask you about something. Where did you put the apples for the apple bobbing later? I wanted to make a poisoned one.
Clara: Oh, I see. To go with your costume.
Toot: Uh... right. To go with my costume. Sure.
Clara: They're in the basement next to the stairs. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to chewing out Xandir.
Clara turns to see that Xandir is gone.
Clara: Goddammit! (She turns and stalks off back toward the house, turning briefly to talk to Toot as she exits.) Thanks a lot, Toot! You let Xandir get away!
As Clara walks out of sight, Toot raises her hands into the air in an expression of disbelief. As she continues to stand there staring, we hear someone calling to her just out of the camera view.
Marty: Hey, Toot. Can I talk to you for a moment?
Toot: What is it, Marty?
Marty: This costume you picked out for me... I really don't think it's going to work.
Toot: What, are you kidding? It's a terrific costume!
Marty: I look silly in it! It's totally wrong for my body type!
Toot: Well, I think it's perfect for you!
The camera finally pans to reveal Marty. He is wearing brown boots, black leggings, yellow gloves, and a red tunic that is much, much too big for him.
Marty: Toot, what in your wildest dreams ever gave you the idea that I could make a convincing Gaston?
Toot: Okay, well, maybe it's a liiiiiiittle big on you...
Marty: Captain Hero couldn't fill out this thing!
Toot: Well, the steroid version maybe could have.
Marty: Come on, Toot-
Toot: Okay, Marty, I admit it, it was a bad idea! I'm sorry, Marty, it's just that... well... I'm just so tired of everyone making jokes about how small you are!
Marty: And this costume does a brilliant job of hiding that fact!
Toot: (putting her arm on Marty's) Marty, I'm sorry. I honestly don't care how short or tall you are. Really, I don't. It's just that... well, sometimes you just get tired of hearing the same jokes over and over. You know?
Marty: Yeah, I guess I do.
Toot: I mean, it's one thing when they tease me. I can give it back as well as I can take it. But when they start making fun of YOU... I don't know. I kind of feel like they're violating some boundaries there. I just feel like I should defend you. You know?
Marty: I know. Look, Toot, the short jokes don't bother me at all. In fact, I'm kind of flattered that your housemates pick on me the way they do. It makes me feel like I'm part of the group. You know?
Toot: I guess that's true! Well, then, in that case, let's get back in there and enjoy some group camaraderie!
Marty: Okay!
Toot and Marty start to walk back into the house. At that moment, Toot is distracted by a sound in the distance.
Toot: Is that... retching I hear?
Marty: Maybe somebody finally ate the black licorice!
Toot: You go on back inside, Marty. I'm going to investigate this.
Marty nods and returns to the house. Toot walks out toward the pool area. There she finds a short yellow figure doubled over in pain, throwing up into the pool.
Toot: Wooldoor?
Wooldoor does not answer. Toot walks over to him. She stands over his crumpled figure looking at him from behind with disdain.
Toot: So you DID eat the candy! I knew it!
Wooldoor: (turning to face her, obviously ill) No, I didn't!
Toot: Wooldoor, your face is turning green. And if I didn't know better, I'd swear that was acne starting to form on your face. Acne such as one might get from... oh, I don't know... suddenly consuming a massive amount of chocolate all at once???
Wooldoor: (still obviously very queasy) Actually, Toot, most studies show that the link between acne and eating chocolate is most likely a myth. So, sorry, I guess you still can't prove I ate the candy.
Toot: Wooldoor, there's a chewed up box of Milk Duds floating in your sick.
Wooldoor: Toot? (He turns around and vomits some more, then turns back.) I have a confession to make. I ate all the candy!
Toot: You don't say!
Wooldoor: Will you take me to the hospital?
Toot: The hospital? Ohhhhhh no, you don't!
Wooldoor: What?
Toot: If I take you to the hospital, they're going to make you all better! And if that happens, there goes all my evidence that it was you who ate the candy and not me!
Wooldoor: Toot, if you'll take me to the hospital right now, I promise I'll tell everybody the truth when we get back!
Toot: I suppose I can trust you, Wooldoor.
Wooldoor: Thank you, Toot.
Toot: But just to be on the safe side, you'd better tell everybody the truth FIRST! (She grabs Wooldoor by the collar and starts to drag him back inside the house with her.) THEN we'll go to the hospital!
A look of alarm crosses Wooldoor's face. With the toe of his boot, he lifts up the hem of Toot's Snow White dress, then brings his boot down very hard on her foot. Toot immediately screams in pain. As she begins hopping up and down on her good foot holding her other foot in pain, Wooldoor takes the opportunity to run past her back into the house.
Toot: Ow! Goddammit, Wooldoor!
As Toot continues to hop around in pain, the scene changes to Xandir's bedroom upstairs where we see Hero and Foxxy enjoying a romantic moment.
Foxxy: Hero, I got to hand it to you, this was brilliant. Nobody will ever think to look for us in Xandir's room!
Hero: That's right! Now that Xandir's scam has been exposed and everybody knows he isn't in here, this room will completely cease to be relevant to the plot. And therefore... the perfect hideaway for us.
Foxxy: You sure they won't find us in here?
Hero: Positive!
As soon as the words are out of Hero's mouth, he and Foxxy immediately turn toward the door. The watch it anxiously for a moment, expecting somebody to walk in. Nothing happens. They continue to wait for another moment. Still nothing. Hero turns back toward Foxxy.
Hero: Now, then. You ready to roleplay Tarzan and wild gypsy girl?
Foxxy: I sure am, sugar!
Hero whips off his loincloth, and kissing Foxxy, begins to lean her back on the bed. Foxxy begins to sing.
Foxxy: (singing to the tune of the Tarzan theme song) Ohhhhh... you'll be in my bo-
Before she can finish the word, the door is flung wide open. A very sick Wooldoor stands in the doorway.
Wooldoor: Captain Hero?
Foxxy: Goddammit!
Hero: (getting up and walking over to Wooldoor) Wooldoor, how did you get in here? I thought Xandir locked that door!
Wooldoor: I don't think Xandir really understands how to work the lock. Hero, I need your help!
Hero: Again?
Wooldoor: Captain Hero... would you rub my tummy?
Hero: What?
Wooldoor: Please, Hero... rub my tummy!
Hero: Um... er... I...
Wooldoor: Come on, Captain Hero! You're the only one in this house who really knows how to make me feel good! (Hero's jaw drops wide open.) Toot was going to give me the attention I needed, but before she would do anything, she insisted we come inside and tell all our friends first!
Hero: Well, I've heard of being an attention whore, but this is ridiculous!
Wooldoor: Please, Captain Hero?
Hero: Wooldoor, I'm not gay. You know that, right?
Wooldoor: (holding his stomach) Owww...
Hero: (to himself) Damn, that is one raging stiffie! (to Wooldoor) Hey, Wooldoor. You and Clara are kind of chummy, right? Why don't you go get her to satisfy your urges?
Wooldoor: Clara? Clara's nice and all, but... when it comes to this kind of thing, she doesn't know what to do!
Hero: True. I forgot who we were talking about for a moment. (Nervously he turns back toward Wooldoor.) Tell you what, Wooldoor. I'm kind of busy with Foxxy at the moment. Why don't we talk about this later?
Wooldoor: But I need it now!
Hero: I know, Wooldoor. I remember what it was like right after *I* first hit puberty. Here. I'll give you something to help you. (He quickly runs and gets a magazine and hands it to Wooldoor.)
Wooldoor: Porn?
Hero: (winking at Wooldoor) Knock yourself out, buddy!
With that, Hero closes the door and locks it behind him. Wooldoor stares after him in disbelief. Finally, not knowing what else to do, he looks down at the magazine. He immediately becomes irritated.
Wooldoor: Hero, did you forget whose room you were in? This is gay porn! I can't do anything with this!
Wooldoor sighs in frustration and tosses the magazine against the door, then turns and walks off angrily. He passes Clara coming down the hallway. Clara starts to walk toward her own room, but out of the corner of her eye, she catches something. She turns in the direction of the object she saw. It is the gay porno mag, its pages having fallen open to reveal a very large, erect black male receiving a handy from a bronzed young man. Clara quickly slaps her hand over her eyes.
Clara: (continuing down the hall) See no evil... hear no evil... (She opens the door to her room and quickly closes it behind her.)
The scene changes back to Hero and Foxxy inside Xandir's bedroom. Hero walks slowly back over toward the bed. He kneels on top of the bed and begins crawling toward Foxxy on his knees.
Hero: Now, then... where were we? Oh, right, I was about to stick my thing in your-
Foxxy: Hero, what was going on with Wooldoor?
Hero: You don't want to know.
Foxxy: I probably don't.
Hero: Now, then, Esmeralda... I bet you can't guess one thing that your little friend Quasimodo and I have in common!
Foxxy: Is this going to be a pun on the word "hump"?
Hero: Foxxy, I spend a long time coming up with that joke. Are you just going to shoot it down just like that?
Foxxy: I'm sorry, Hero. Go ahead.
Hero: Esmeralda... you want to know one thing that your hump and I have in common? Um... I mean... you want to know one thing that I have in common with Quasimodo's hump? No, wait. I mean... you want to know what Quasimodo has in common with humping you? (He winces in frustration.) Dammit! (Foxxy sighs.) Well, never mind. Let's just get back to business.
Hero leans in and begins to kiss Foxxy very sensuously. The scene then cuts to Spanky, back downstairs with Unusually Flexible Girl.
UFG: (slapping Spanky's hand away) No, Spanky!
Spanky: (holding his hand in pain) Owwww!
UFG: You cannot take my fishtail off and that's final!
Spanky: I wasn't going to take it off! I was just going to... crawl in there with you.
UFG: And do what? (Spanky grins.) Never mind.
Spanky: Look. If you'll let me crawl in there with you, I promise I won't try anything.
UFG: If you're not going to try anything, then why do you even want in there?
Spanky: Because it looks kind of cozy in there, and I've always wondered what it would be like to be a mermaid!
UFG: Yeah, right.
Spanky: Oh come on, you can trust me! Believe me, Unusually Flexible Girl. When you're with Spanky Ham... (He winks at her.) Nothing can POSSIBLY go wrong!
Unusually Flexible Girl becomes alarmed. At that moment, the scene quickly cuts to Hero and Foxxy in the bed upstairs. Foxxy is annoyed while Hero is very distressed, looking extremely ashamed and apologetic.
Hero: That's never happened to me before, I swear!
Foxxy: Uh huh.
Hero: Honest, Foxxy! I've been with tons and tons of women and you're the first one I ever- okay, going down that road probably isn't the best choice.
Foxxy: What happened, Hero? We was all into it, and then out of nowhere, you just turtled up!
Hero: Well, I just couldn't stop thinking about Wooldoor! (Foxxy sits up, alarmed.)
Foxxy: Wooldoor?
Hero: Not, it's not like that, Foxxy! It's just that Wooldoor was in here earlier acting all strange, and... I guess that whole weird conversation just threw my concentration off!
Foxxy: I see.
Hero: Oh, this is terrible. Here it is Halloween and we're spending it grumbling at each other while everyone else in the house is just having fun and enjoying the season!
At this point, a montage begins to play consisting of brief moments from each of the other characters' frustrations. It begins with Clara on her knees in front of her bed.
Clara: Ling-Ling? Ling-Ling, please come out.
Ling-Ling: What, so one dressed as Aladdin can make Ling-Ling be stupid monkey?
Clara: Ling-Ling, I promise you, not EVERYONE in the house wants you to be their sidekick!
At that moment, Bleh pops up in the doorway.
Bleh: Hey, Clara? Whenever you get that little pet of yours to come out, could you put this Piglet costume on him for me?
As Bleh holds up a small Piglet costume, Clara, without even turning to look at her, just stares ahead angrily. The scene cuts to Spanky and Toot arguing downstairs.
Toot: I'm telling you, Spanky, I have actual physical proof that it was Wooldoor who ate the candy and not me! Just come on out to the pool and I'll show you his vomit!
Spanky: Oh, now, THERE'S an invitation I can't refuse!
Cut to Wooldoor in his doctor's office. He sits patiently in the chair for a moment, still very much queasy.
Wooldoor: Why in the world hasn't the doctor shown up yet? (He realizes.) Oh, right. That's me. (He gets up from the chair and quickly puts on his surgical garb over his Woody costume, then hops up onto the operating table. He pulls out a scalpel and positions it over his stomach.) Well, I've never done one of THESE before... oh well, here goes nothing!
Wooldoor puts the scalpel to his stomach. The second he makes the tiniest little scratch, he becomes woozy.
Wooldoor: Oh... blood...
With this, Wooldoor faints. The scene cuts to Xandir slow dancing with Fernando, dressed as Jack Bauer.
Xandir: Oh, Fernando! This is the best Halloween party ever!
Fernando: And what was wrong with the party I threw last year?
Xandir: (sighing) Oh, Fernando!
Cut back to Foxxy. As Hero sits beside her continuing to panic, Foxxy is now sitting up in the bed thinking.
Foxxy (in confessional): I wasn't quite sure how I was going to be able to solve everybody's problems at once. But if that montage gave me any ideas, I thought that maybe I might be able to tackle things one problem at a time and then see if maybe a chain reaction might start.
Cut back to Fernando's party. Xandir and Fernando are now kissing. Xandir lifts his Tinkerbell slipper-clad foot into the air. As Xandir and Fernando continue to kiss, suddenly a hand falls on Xandir's shoulder from behind and pulls him back.
Xandir: Hey, do you mind? Fernando and I are trying to kiss! You'll have to wait your turn, Ernesto!
Foxxy: It ain't Ernesto, Xandir, it's me.
Xandir: Foxxy? What are you doing here?
Foxxy: Xandir, I came to drag your pixie ass back to Clara's party where it belongs!
Xandir: But Foxxy! I told you that Clara's party offends me because there aren't any-
Foxxy: Give it up, Xandir. You already admitted to both Hero and me that that whole story was a crock!
Xandir: Oh, right. I keep forgetting who I tell these things too.
Foxxy: Now come on back with me, Xandir! Clara went to a lot of trouble to throw that party for everyone, and if you's her friend, it's the least you can do to be there and enjoy it for her.
Xandir: But Fernando went to a lot of trouble too! It's not fair for me to miss his party either!
Foxxy: Xandir, look at it this way. Out of Fernando and Clara... which one do you think stays up later?
Xandir: Good point. Clara will probably be in the bed and asleep by the time this party just BEGINS to start getting good! Okay, Foxxy. You're right. Clara's my friend, and I owe it to her to support her pathetic attempt to seem as cool as everybody else.
Foxxy: That's right! (She begins leading Xandir out of the party.)
Xandir: (waving goodbye) See you around 10:00, Fernando!
Cut back to Xandir's bedroom. Hero is on the phone.
Hero: Yes, I need a case of the strongest stuff you've got, and I need it stat! It's an emergency! (He pauses while the other party speaks.) Tomorrow's not good enough! I'm horny NOW! Well, if you can't get it to me any quicker than that, would you have any advice for what I can do in the meantime? (He pauses again, becoming slightly irritated.) Oh, now where am I going to find two tubs in the middle of a field at this hour?
Cut back to the party downstairs. A forlorn Clara slowly trudges down the stairs. At that moment, Foxxy walks in with Xandir.
Foxxy: Oh, Clara? Guess who decided to show up to your party after all! (Clara's face lights up.)
Clara: Xandir? You... you seriously want to be at my party?
Xandir: Clara, I'm sorry that I made up an excuse to get out of your party. I should have just told you from the beginning that I had another party to go to. I'm sure we could have worked something out.
Clara: I think we could have.
Xandir: And besides, I can see Fernando any time I want. But this party was a special occasion for you, and I'm sorry I wasn't more sensitive to that fact.
Clara: That's okay, Xandir. The important thing is you came.
Xandir: Well, I haven't YET. I mean, Fernando and I hadn't gotten any farther than kissing- (He sees that Clara is slightly grossed out.) Oh, that's not what you meant. (Clara nods.) Anyway, I'm sorry I lied, and I'm sorry I sneaked off like that. Can you forgive me?
Clara: Of course I forgive you, Xandir. Can you forgive ME for being so anal- (Xandir's eyebrows pop up. Clara hastily reconsiders her choice of words.) I mean, can you forgive me for being such a control freak over a stupid Halloween party?
Xandir: I forgive you, Clara. (He opens his arms wide.) Come on, let's hug it out!
Clara: Okay!
Clara and Xandir hug. Everyone else in the room reacts with an "Awwwwwww!" sound. As they are hugging, Ling-Ling suddenly pops up at the bottom of the stairs.
Ling-Ling: Carla?
Clara: (letting go of Xandir and turning to Ling-Ling) What is it, Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling: Carla, Ling-Ling overhear what Carla say to homo, and he want to say that he very touched that Carla and homo can show such understanding with each other given their history together. Anyway, Ling-Ling just want to say... (He pulls off his Stitch costume to reveal a raccoon costume underneath.) Ling-Ling PROUD to be Carla's sidekick!
Clara: (very touched) Oh, Ling-Ling! You dressed as Meeko for me! (She picks up Ling-Ling and hugs him. After hugging Clara for a moment, Ling-Ling turns to the crowd.)
Ling-Ling: And just so everyone else know, Ling-Ling is Carla's sidekick and nobody else's! So everyone quit asking him to be Sulley, monkey, dwarf, or whatever other stupid crap you people come up with!
Ling-Ling and Clara kiss. The crowd "Awwwwwww!"s again. The camera then cuts to Spanky and Toot in the midst of the crowd.
Toot: Wow. I didn't realize it was that easy to forgive somebody.
Spanky: Yeah. (He pauses for a moment.) Speaking of forgiveness... (He turns to Toot.) Toot?
Toot: Yes, Spanky?
Spanky: Toot, I'm sorry I accused you of eating all the candy. You said you didn't do it, and that should have been enough for me. I guess I forgot about innocent until proven guilty.
Toot: Thanks, Spanky.
Spanky: So are you going to apologize to Wooldoor for doing the same?
Toot: Well, actually, I *did* end up proving *him* guilty of eating all the candy.
Spanky: How'd you do that?
Toot: I found him outside by the pool sick as a- (Suddenly, she realizes.) Oh, my God! Poor Wooldoor! Oh, my God, what have I done?
The scene changes to Wooldoor's doctor's office. Wooldoor has recovered consciousness, but is still somewhat dazed. Toot bursts in.
Toot: Wooldoor! (She rushes up to him.) Oh, thank God, you're still alive! (She puts her arms around him. At this point, Hero and Foxxy can be seen walking in the doorway.) Wooldoor, I'm sorry I didn't take you to the hospital like you wanted. I was only thinking of my own selfish needs. But don't worry. I'm going to take you to the ER right now even if I have to carry you all the way there on my back! (Toot picks Wooldoor up and puts him on her back and begins to walk out with him.)
Wooldoor: Awwwwwww... thanks, Toot! But it's okay, you really don't have to do that. I'm actually feeling much better now. I think all I needed to do was lie down for a bit. (He sighs.) Why do I always have to overdramatize everything? (Toot smiles.)
Toot: Cause that's what we do around here, Wooldoor!
Wooldoor: We sure do!
Toot puts Wooldoor down. The two of them walk past Hero and Foxxy, heading back in the direction of the living room. Hero turns to Foxxy.
Hero: Do you believe that, Foxxy? Wooldoor wasn't coming onto me at all! He was just sick this whole time!
Foxxy: So is that going to be enough to fix that little performance issue you were having?
Hero: I don't know, Foxxy. It depends. (He turns to her.) You don't know where we'd be able to find two tubs in the middle of a field, do you?
Foxxy: Well... I know where we can find ONE tub in the middle of a bathroom!
Hero: Works for me!
Hero grabs Foxxy by the hand and takes off upstairs with her. The scene changes back to the living room downstairs. A small stage has been set up with a podium at the front. The Jew Producer, dressed as the Mad Hatter, stands at the podium. Clara stands behind him.
Jew Producer: Attention, honored guests. As much as it pains me to say it, it looks like Clara's party was a rousing success. (He grumbles under his breath.) Which means I gotta cough up the dough for next year's Halloween party. (He clears his throat and resumes speaking to the crowd.) Anyway, we now come to the highlight of our evening. To introduce to you the winner of this year's Best Costume contest, I give you... Princess Clara.
Clara walks up to the podium and takes the microphone.
Clara: Thank you, Mr. Jew Producer!
Jew Producer: (walking off the stage, grumbling) I need a drink!
Clara: (addressing the crowd) First of all, I'd like to thank you all for attending. As you know, mainly because I've been repeatedly shoving it down your throats all night, this is the first party I've ever thrown by myself, and I'm eternally grateful to all of you for making it the success that it was. Now without further ado... (She picks up a very large trophy.) I present to you the winner of this year's Best Costume contest, none other than... Wooldoor Sockbat! (Wooldoor is thrilled.)
Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!
Wooldoor walks up onto the stage and starts to take the trophy from Clara. However, Clara yanks the trophy out of his reach at the last minute.
Clara: Who unfortunately is disqualified for not following the theme. (She turns to Wooldoor.) Twinkie the Kid isn't Disney, Wooldoor! (Wooldoor is shocked and disappointed.) So instead, the trophy will go to... Munchkin Mouse, for his uncanny Lightning McQueen costume!
Munchkin Mouse: Yay! I won!
Munchkin Mouse begins dancing happily in excitement as Wooldoor looks on, still shocked. Munchkin Mouse walks up onto the stage. Clara hands him the trophy. Munchkin Mouse falls to the ground, crushed under the trophy which is more than twice as big as himself.
Clara: And the runner-up, by one vote, is Spanky Ham dressed as Mike Wazowski... who unfortunately doesn't get anything because the Jew Producer is a lousy cheapskate. In fact, I'm not quite sure why he was willing to spring for this huge trophy for the winner!
Jew Producer: (holding a liquor bottle, starting to become drunk) It was my old Little League trophy, I just scratched the name out!
Clara: Anyway, I'd like to thank you all very much for coming. (She picks up Ling-Ling.) Now if you'll excuse me, it's late, and it's time for me to get to bed! (She walks off the stage.)
Xandir: (throwing his arms in the air in excitement) Woohoo!
As Clara, holding Ling-Ling, walks upstairs, Xandir dashes out the front door. The camera cuts to Spanky and UFG chatting.
Spanky: God. Do you believe that? I lost by one vote! To think, I might have won if I had only remembered to vote for myself!
UFG: You didn't vote for yourself? (Spanky shakes his head.) Why not?
Spanky: Well, I was going to, but... once I had that ballot in front of me, I did what I always do, and I voted for Nixon. (He sighs.) I guess old habits die hard.
The camera does a slight pan to the right to reveal Richard Nixon dressed as Captain Hook and holding a cup of punch.
Nixon: That's all right, Spanky. I just wish your vote had helped me win.
Spanky nods in agreement. Nixon returns to drinking his punch. The scene fades.
THE END
(Or... is it?)
As the closing credits begin to play, the scene fades back up on the living room. Most of the party guests have gone. The Jew Producer lies passed out against the wall. Nixon, still holding a cup of punch, walks up to him.
Nixon: Sir, that's a fine Republican cloth coat you're wearing there, if you don't mind me saying so.
The Jew Producer does not respond. Nixon walks into the kitchen, where we see Toot, Spanky, and Wooldoor sitting at the table hanging out after the party. Nixon opens the refrigerator and begins looking through it.
Wooldoor: Um, guys? Why the hell is Nixon still here?
Toot: I don't know, but he's creeping me out!
Spanky: I guess he *has* kind of overstayed his welcome.
Toot: Tell him to go!
Spanky: You tell him!
Toot: Hey, I'm not the one who invited him!
Wooldoor: I thought Nixon was dead!
Spanky: Um... this is Drawn Together.
Wooldoor: Oh, right.
Toot: Ewwww, he's drinking milk from the carton! Do something!
Nixon, milk carton in hand, walks over to the group. He puts his arm around Wooldoor.
Nixon: Did I ever tell you that you remind me of Pat? (Wooldoor looks worried. Nixon looks at Toot.) And you remind me of Tricia! (Toot looks worried. Nixon looks at Spanky.) And you, good sir. You remind me of...
Spanky: (eagerly) Kissinger?
Nixon: Checkers!
Spanky sulks, disappointed. The credits end and the scene fades.
THE END
The show opens on a long shot of the house. There are scary decorations all over the exterior of the house. A fake body dangles from a noose tied to the big tree outside. The scene changes to the interior, where we see the living room decked out for a big Halloween party. We cut to Clara in the confessional. There are scary decorations all around the confessional as well, and the confessional chair is a high-backed chair with padded armrests, resembling something straight out of a gothic horror novel.
Clara (in confessional): It was Halloween.
Toot: (from offscreen): Duhhhhhhh!
Clara (in confessional): (looking offscreen in Toot's direction) Ah, Toot, I see you've decided to dress up as a witch. (She gasps mockingly.) Oh, I'm sorry, you haven't put your costume on yet!
Toot: (offscreen) Oh ha ha, very funny!
Offstage voice: (as Clara sits confused, just watching) Excuse me, can I have my seat back now?
Toot: (offscreen) Oh, come on! I like it here!
Offstage voice: Don't you have to be in the show or something?
Toot: (offscreen) Nah, I'd rather just sit here and make smartass comments like you do!
Offstage voice: Look, if you'll get out of my seat, I promise to boo all the fat jokes they make about you.
Toot: (offscreen) Fine. Have your seat back. I'm going to go get ready for the party.
Clara continues to sit in the confessional chair, confused.
Offstage voice: So are you just gonna sit there or are we gonna get this show on the road?
Clara (in confessional): Sorry. I just wasn't sure if you guys were done.
Offstage voice: Yeah, we're done. So could you just get on with it?
Clara (in confessional): Um... I forgot where I was.
Offstage voice: Oh, this is ridiculous! I'm outta here! (We hear him get up and leave.)
Clara (in confessional): So anyway-
Toot: (offscreen) Booooooooooo!
Clara (in confessional): I just thought I would let all of you guys know that if you hear a blood-curdling scream in the next few minutes, it isn't a special effect we cooked up for the party. It'll be me murdering Toot.
Toot: (offscreen) Um... I'm gonna leave now.
Clara (in confessional): Good choice.
Clara smiles contentedly at the camera.
CUE OPENING TITLES
Clara (in confessional): It was Halloween. We had decided to throw a big Halloween party, and I volunteered to host it! And as the host, I also got to choose the theme for the party. And I think I settled on the perfect theme to go with all these spooky, scary, macabre decorations... Disney!
Cut to the living room, where we see Clara continuing to put up decorations. She is clad in her sack dress, which has been refashioned to look like buckskin, and wears an Indian necklace around her neck. Xandir walks in.
Xandir: Hey, Clara, do you have a minute? I have something I need to talk to you about. (Clara turns around.)
Clara: Xandir! Why aren't you in costume yet? The guests are going to be arriving any minute! (Xandir starts to say something, but Clara stops him.) And I already told you're not allowed to be Mowgli from the Jungle Book! Not after what happened last year!
Cut to last year's Halloween party. As the group stands around watching in disbelief, Xandir, dressed as Mowgli, is doing a striptease.
Xandir: (singing) Oh, the... bare necessities... (he reaches down and grabs his loincloth)... the simple bare necessities... (We cut to Clara with her hands over her eyes cringing.) That's why Xandir can rest at ease, with just the bare necessities of life!
The loincloth hits Clara in the face. She puts her hands down, not amused. The scene changes back to the present.
Xandir: I still don't think that was any reason to disqualify me from the Best Costume contest! I mean, show me where in the rules it states that one has to keep said costume on the entire party! (Clara sighs.) Well, it doesn't really matter, Clara. This year, I'm not going to be Mowgli, Aladdin, or anybody else. I'm not going to be attending your party this year.
Clara: (upset) What? You can't miss my party, Xandir! Everybody has to be there!
Xandir: I'm sorry, Clara. But I can't go.
Clara: What, you got a hot date with Fernando or something?
Xandir: That's not it at all, Clara. I won't be going to your party because I find your theme very offensive.
Clara: You find DISNEY offensive? YOU, the most liberal person this side of Hillary Clinton, find the world's leading name in family entertainment for over 80 years OFFENSIVE?
Xandir: Precisely!
Clara: Explain.
Xandir: Clara, Disney discriminates against gay people! Did you realize there isn't a single gay Disney character?
Clara: What about-
Xandir: Peter Pan doesn't count!
Clara: Okay, fine, Xandir. There are no gay Disney characters. But come on, it's not like sexuality is an important component of the Disney universe. I mean, most Disney characters don't even have genitals!
Xandir: Yes, well, that's another thing that offends me, but that's not important now. But it isn't just the lack of gay characters. Look what they do to their own stars. Now that Lindsay Lohan is dating another woman, Disney won't have anything to do with her!
Clara: Right. And it couldn't possibly have anything to do with her 16 DUIs, could it?
Xandir: Did you know they don't let gays in Disneyland?
Clara: Yes, they do.
Xandir: Really? (His interest becomes piqued.) Hmm...
Clara: Xandir, quit your whining and go get into your costume, okay? The party's going to start soon.
Xandir: So that's how it is, is it? My problems don't mean anything to you. All you care about is your stupid party.
Clara: Xandir, that's not what I meant.
Xandir: Forget it, Clara. Now I want to be a part of this thing even less. (Clara sighs.) I hope you guys have fun down here. I'm going to spend the evening silently protesting in my room! (He turns and begins to walk upstairs, then stops briefly.) And the door will be locked, so don't even think about trying to come upstairs and drag me down here!
Clara: (turning toward the stairs) Xandir P. Wifflebottom, you come right back down here this instant! (Xandir gives Clara the "talk to the hand" gesture, then turns and walks back upstairs. Clara turns around in frustration.) Goddammit!
As Clara fumes, Ling-Ling enters the living room, dressed as Stitch. He walks up behind Clara.
Ling-Ling: Carla, what wrong? (Clara turns.)
Clara: Oh, I just had a stupid fight with Xandir over- (She sees Ling-Ling and becomes shocked.) Ling-Ling! Why are you dressed as Stitch?
Ling-Ling: This what Ling-Ling wanted to wear!
Clara: But I thought we agreed you were going to be Meeko! Come on, Ling-Ling, don't you remember last month when we watched Pocahontas together, how cute I said it would be if this Halloween, I dressed up as Pocahontas and you dressed up as my little raccoon friend?
Ling-Ling: Yeah... it just... Ling-Ling thought it be more fun to be Stitch! Come on, can't Carla imagine Ling-Ling doing hula dance and singing Elvis songs? Carla can't buy cuteness like that!
Clara: But Ling-Ling, you're my husband! Our costumes are supposed to go together!
Ling-Ling: (looking at Clara seductively) Well... Carla could always be Lilo!
Clara: Well, I *would* look great in a Hawaiian dress and sandals... (She pauses.) But... if we then had sex dressed like that, it would feel like Lilo was molesting Stitch! And that's not right!
Ling-Ling: That any worse than Pocahontas molesting raccoon?
Clara: Point taken. (She nods.) Look, Ling-Ling. I can understand you wanting to be Stitch. I just thought it would be cute if you were my sidekick.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling understand. But he rather be own person, if that okay. Maybe he be Carla sidekick next year.
Clara: All right.
Ling-Ling smiles at Clara. At that moment, he is interrupted by a voice behind him.
Spanky: Ah! There's my sidekick!
Alarmed, Ling-Ling turns. We see Spanky standing there, dressed in a green body suit with one large eye.
Ling-Ling: Whatchoo talkin' about, pig? Ling-Ling not anybody's sidekick!
Spanky: Of course you are, my main man! I mean, that blue costume... you obviously dressed as Sulley- the perfect companion piece to my Mike Wasowski costume!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling not Sulley! He Stitch!
Spanky: Well, yes, Ling-Ling, you are pretty funny, I'll admit. But come on, Ling-Ling! I thought we had a deal! I was going to be Mike from Monsters Inc and you were going to be my best friend Sulley! Come on, Ling-Ling, why else do you think I'd wear this ridiculous get-up?
Ling-Ling: What Spanky talk about? That perfect costume for honorable pig demon!
Spanky: Let me guess. Because I have one eyebrow to go over my one eye?
Ling-Ling: Exactly!
Spanky: Come on, Ling-Ling, we had a deal!
Ling-Ling: No deal! Just because Ling-Ling small not mean he have to be anybody's sidekick!
At that moment, Toot walks in, dressed as Snow White.
Toot: Ling-Ling! Why aren't you dressed as Dopey? I thought we had a deal!
Ling-Ling: (so frustrated he can barely speak) AAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH! (Ling-Ling turns around and scampers out of the room. Toot and Spanky look at Clara questioningly. Clara simply shakes her head disapprovingly. Spanky turns to Toot.)
Spanky: Hey, Toot, if you want somebody to be your dwarf, why don't you just make Marty do it?
Toot: Very funny, Spanky. Marty may be short, but he's not a dwarf!
Spanky: Dwarf, leprechaun... what's the difference? (Toot rolls her eyes at Spanky.)
Toot: (suddenly noticing how Spanky is dressed.) Um, Spanky? You sure you want to be wearing that?
Spanky: No, I'm not. Not at all. But why is it important to you?
Toot: I just think it might be a little scary for the kids, that's all.
Spanky: Kids? What kids? There are kids coming to this party? Clara, I didn't know you invited any kids! Don't you realize that if any kids show up, it would limit the opportunities for a potential "wardrobe malfunction" on the part of the female party guests?
Toot: I don't mean at the party, Spanky. I mean, the kids coming to our door to trick or treat. I just think they might find your costume a little scary, that's all.
Spanky: What difference does it make if they find MY costume scary? YOU'RE the one who's going to be manning the door handing out candy tonight!
Toot: Ohhhhhhh, no, I'm not! I watched the door last year! This year it's YOUR turn!
Spanky: Nobody ever said anything about it being a rotation! No, the way it works is, everybody has a predefined job at the party. And your job is to watch the door and hand out candy.
Toot: And what's YOUR job?
Spanky: My job is to make sure you do YOUR job!
Toot: Oh, come on, Spanky, I am not watching the door two years in a row! It's just not fair!
Spanky: But you were so good at it, Toot!
Toot: Forget it. YOU'RE watching the door this year, Spanky!
Clara: Guys, guys! You don't have to fight about it! Why don't you just take it in shifts or something? (Toot and Spanky both turn and look at Clara.)
Spanky: Oh? Is Princess Stereotype going to delegate her authority on us?
Toot: Yeah, Clara! Who died and left you in charge?
Clara: Well, I *am* the host!
Spanky: And just why does it have to be between Toot and me, anyway? Why can't someone else do it? (Spanky looks at Clara.) It's because I have one eye, isn't it?
Clara: (growing tired of arguing) That's right, Spanky. People with one eye have to watch the door. That's the rule. I'm sorry.
Toot: Ha! (She sticks her tongue out at Spanky. At that moment, Foxxy walks in from the kitchen, dressed as Esmeralda.)
Foxxy: It might be a moot point, y'all.
Toot: What do you mean?
Foxxy: I just looked in the cupboard, and it don't look like we're going to need anybody to watch the door this year, seeing as we have no candy to give out because somebody already ATE it all!
Spanky: Dammit, Toot!
Toot: Hey, it wasn't me! Goddammit, how come any time food goes missing in this house, everybody always assumes it was me who ate it?
Spanky: Cause it usually is.
Toot: Well, it wasn't this time!
Spanky: You sure? (He looks at her stomach.) Cause you look a little fatter...
Toot draws back and punches Spanky in the stomach. He doubles over in pain.
Foxxy: Now, Toot, was that really necessary?
Toot: I did not eat the Halloween candy, goddammit!
Foxxy: Then who did?
Toot: Well, believe it or not, there *is* somebody in this house with a bigger sweet tooth than *me*...
Foxxy looks at Toot skeptically. Wooldoor enters dressed in cowboy gear.
Wooldoor: Hey, guys! What happened to all the Halloween candy?
Toot: Why don't you tell us, Wooldoor? Or did you black out after you ate it all?
Wooldoor: Hey, I didn't do it!
Toot: Oh, please. Who else in this house would eat an entire cupboardful of candy in one sitting? (Foxxy clears her throat. Toot becomes irritated.) BESIDES me?
Wooldoor: Nobody! That means it was you, Toot!
Toot: Oh, come on, Wooldoor! You were the one who ate all the Christmas candy two years ago. Everybody knows you'd sell your soul for- (Suddenly, she notices his costume.) Wooldoor? Why are you dressed as Twinkie the Kid? Did you forget this is a Disney party?
Wooldoor: I'm not Twinkie the Kid! I'm Woody from Toy Story!
Toot: Well, you look like a damn Twinkie!
Wooldoor: I think Toot's got Twinkies on the brain. I guess a whole cupboardful of candy isn't enough to satisfy THAT huge appetite!
Toot: Wooldoor, you quit that right now and confess to what you did or else I'm going to- (She holds her fist up threateningly.)
Foxxy: Toot, give it a rest. You ain't foolin' anyone! (Toot reacts with disbelief. Wooldoor sticks his tongue out at her.) Now fess up to what you did and quit harassing poor Wooldoor!
Toot: Goddammit, I didn't do anything!
Wooldoor: If it's any comfort to you guys, the candy isn't COMPLETELY gone! (He holds up a bag.) We still have one bag left! (He hands the bag to Toot, who scowls.)
Toot: Black licorice? Are you kidding me? (She begins to fume.)
Wooldoor: Oh, you don't like black licorice either? I guess not, seeing as it's the only bag you left in the cupboard!
Toot glares and turns toward Wooldoor angrily, a look of murder in her eyes. Wooldoor becomes instantly frightened and turns and bolts out of the room. He takes off upstairs. The scene changes to the upstairs hallway. Wooldoor runs up to one of the doors and begins knocking on it frantically.
Wooldoor: (knocking) Captain Hero! Captain Hero! Help me!
Captain Hero opens the door, dressed as Hercules.
Hero: Ooh! A damsel in distress! It's been a while since I've had the chance to save one of those type of- oh, it's just you, Wooldoor. What do you want?
Wooldoor: Captain Hero, you've got to protect me! I think Toot wants to kill me!
Hero: Of course, Wooldoor! I'd be glad to- (He begins looking at Wooldoor curiously.) Wooldoor, you do know that Twinkie the Kid isn't a Disney character, right?
Wooldoor: No, Hero! I'm not Twinkie! I'm Woody!
Hero: Well, you DO look like a large penis...
At that moment, Foxxy enters.
Foxxy: Wooldoor? (Wooldoor turns to Foxxy.) It's okay, Wooldoor. I made Toot promise to leave you alone.
Wooldoor: Thanks, Foxxy!
Foxxy: Just try not to say anything else to her about the candy, okay? Just between you and me, I think she's a little embarrassed about what she did. I think that's why she was lashing out at you like that.
Wooldoor: It's okay, Foxxy. We all make mistakes.
Hero: We sure do! Well, you run along back to the party, Wooldoor. If I know Clara, this party could start getting out of control pretty soon and they're going to need Twinkie the Kid to maintain law and order! (Wooldoor looks at Hero sadly. Foxxy nudges Hero with her elbow.) I mean, Sheriff Woody.
Wooldoor: Okay, Mr. Hero! I won't let you down! (Wooldoor takes off. Foxxy turns to Hero.)
Hero: So what'd you say to Toot?
Foxxy: I told her to leave Wooldoor alone or he'd take his clothes off and parade around naked.
Hero: She doesn't like that?
Foxxy: No, would you believe it?
Hero: Speaking of clothing, Foxxy... are you really sure this Hercules costume is right for my character?
Foxxy: What do you mean? You're both big strong heroes! Hercules is perfect for you!
Hero: But I'm a superhero! Superheroes aren't supposed to require armor for protection!
Foxxy: Hero...
Hero: All right, fine. The sandals dig into my calves and the armor chafes me.
Foxxy: Did you remember to wear underwear before you put it on?
Hero: What is this... "underwear" you speak of?
Foxxy: Okay, Hero, fine. You don't want to be Hercules. Do you have a better idea?
Hero: As a matter of fact, I do!
As Foxxy looks on, Hero dashes out of the camera's view. From offscreen, we hear him do the Tarzan yell. He pops back up in front of Foxxy, now clad in only a loincloth.
Hero: What do you think?
Foxxy: Well... I gots to admit, that costume does bring out your- (the camera zooms in on Hero's barely covered crotch)- "heroic" qualities a little better than that other one did.
Hero: (putting his arm around Foxxy) It's not too late for you to be Jane, you know.
Foxxy: (looking at Hero seductively) So you saying that Tarzan wouldn't want to make it with a wild gypsy woman?
Hero: (returning Foxxy's seductive look) Now this is the kind of crossover fiction I can totally endorse!
The two grab hold of each other and begin passionately making out. They start to fall back on the bed, but are quickly interrupted when they realize someone else is in the bed.
Foxxy: What the hell?
Two faces pop out from under the covers. They are Foxxy's parents, dressed as Darkwing Duck and Morgana Macawber.
Ricky: I couldn't agree more, Captain Hero. Roleplaying is the best!
Foxxy: Could you two explain to me what y'all's doing in OUR room?
Bunny: We got here early and we was gonna come up here and say hello to you and Captain Hero, but you wasn't here, so we decided to wait.
Ricky: And while we was waiting, I got to thinking that it would be a shame to let this nice bed go to waste...
Foxxy: I get the idea. Well, I'm glad you two was able to make it to the party. Now if you'll excuse me and Hero, we've got other things to do. (Foxxy grabs Hero by the hand and walks out the door.)
Hero: (as he passes through the door) Like each other! (Hero exits the room as well. The scene changes to Hero and Foxxy in the hallway.)
Foxxy: Do you believe that? My own parents came up to our room and started having sex without even letting us know they was here?
Hero: Why not? We did the same thing when we went to THEIR house last week!
Foxxy: Yeah, but we're young and horny, and our hormones are still running wild. We're SUPPOSED to do stuff like that! They're old people, they should know better!
Hero: So now what? Are we just going to give up?
Foxxy: No, don't worry, Hero, we ain't giving up. I'll tell you what. Let's go downstairs and mingle with the party for a few minutes so we can say we put in an appearance. Then when Clara's not looking, we'll sneak off somewhere and get back to business!
Hero: Ooh, I like that idea! (Hero begins to look confused.) Um... you did mean sex, right? (Foxxy nods. Hero claps happily.)
Hero and Foxxy walk downstairs. The party is now in full swing. The living room is full of guests, all dressed as assorted Disney characters. Unusually Flexible Girl, wearing a seashell bra and a fishtail, sits on the couch next to Bleh, wearing a red T-shirt and holding a large jar labelled "Hunny".
Bleh: I don't know why people keep talking about it. I don't even like Matt Damon!
UFG: Yeah, I know, I don't get it either!
Bleh: So how come you to pick Ariel? Doesn't that costume kind of restrict your movement?
UFG: Not a problem. Watch! (UFG stretches arm way out. When she pulls it back to her, her hand is holding a drink.)
Bleh: Nice!
The camera cuts to Spanky watching Bleh and UFG from a distance. He turns to Clara, pouring herself a drink from the punch bowl.
Spanky: Hey, Clara. I'm kind of surprised YOU didn't pick Ariel!
Clara: Yeah, right. Like I'm going to walk around in a fishtail the whole night!
Spanky: You don't have to be THAT version of Ariel. You could be Ariel from that scene after she first got her legs!
Clara: You mean when she was completely naked from the waist down?
Spanky: Naked from the waist down? Don't be silly, Clara! If Ariel was naked from the waist down, there would be porn of it on the internet! (Suddenly, a thought occurs to him.) Hmm... I wonder how quickly I can boot up my computer...
Spanky takes off upstairs as Clara rolls her eyes and turns away. The camera cuts to Excludie, wearing a mane and dressed as the adult version of Simba from The Lion King, talking to Munchkin Mouse, wearing a red jumpsuit with a white stripe down the front.
Munchkin Mouse: Well... I just took a red jumpsuit and added this racing stripe here, which I feel is sharp, and voila! I'm Lightning McQueen!
Excludie: That's kind of lame, Munchkin Mouse.
Munchkin Mouse: Well, at least I didn't go as Mickey like my wife wanted me to do!
Excludie: You're married?
Munchkin Mouse: Oh, yeah! Here, I'll introduce her to you! (He turns to the side.) Oh, honey? Would you come over here and meet my friend? (Denise walks over dressed as Princess Aurora.)
Denise: I told you, Mouse, I'll pretend to be your wife at the Halloween party if you want, but if I have to answer to "Honey", it's an extra fifty bucks.
Munchkin Mouse: (turning to Excludie) We fight a lot, but the sex is fantastic!
Cut to Clara back at the punch bowl. Hero and Foxxy walk up to her.
Foxxy: Hey, Clara! How's the party going?
Clara: There seem to be a few snags, but for the most part, it seems to be running pretty smoothly.
Foxxy: Good, good. So how do you like our costumes?
Clara: Well, I like YOUR costume, Foxxy... (she turns to Hero)... but Hero? I thought we agreed, Mowgli from The Jungle Book is strictly off limits!
Hero: I'm not Mowgli! I'm Tarzan!
Clara: What's the difference?
Foxxy: Hero's body vs. Xandir's.
Clara: Ah yes, good point.
Hero: (to Foxxy) Is that enough time talking to Clara? She knows we're here, can we go do our thing now?
Clara: What are you guys talking about? You're not planning on cutting out on the party, are you?
Foxxy: Not at all, Clara!
Hero: Yes, we were, Clara. Foxxy and I were planning to cut out on the party. We're very sorry. (Foxxy looks at Hero in disbelief. Clara raises her eyebrows.)
Clara: Oh, really, now!
Hero: That's right, Clara. Foxxy and I were about to run outside into the chilly late October night dressed just like we are, both of us barefoot and me practically naked!
Clara: Okay, I get it. Sarcasm. Fine, you guys. I'm sorry I got paranoid about your running out on the party. Please forgive me, okay? It's the first time I've ever hosted a party by myself and I guess I'm a little edgy.
Foxxy: That's all right, Clara. And for what it's worth, I think you're doing a great job!
Clara: Thanks, Foxxy! Well, I'm going to go find Ling-Ling. And you can take it as a sign of just how much confidence I have in you two that I'm willing to walk away from you and know that you're not going to skip out on me. (Clara turns and walks away.)
Foxxy: Thank you, Clara! (She turns to Hero.) Hero, I don't give you enough credit. What you did right there with Clara, that was brilliant!
Hero: What do you mean?
Foxxy: Getting her off our backs by getting all sarcastic with her and acting like we was going to run out on her party when clearly we ain't neither of us dressed to be running around outside!
Hero: Thanks, Foxxy!
Foxxy: So where are we going to go have sex?
Hero: Outside! (He grabs Foxxy and runs toward the front door.)
Foxxy: (as Hero is dragging her along) I should have seen that one coming.
Hero and Foxxy run out the door. The camera remains in the living room, following the party.
Spanky: Well, I'm just saying you could have left something besides the black licorice. Do you KNOW how angry those kids are going to be when this is all I have to give them?
Toot: Spanky, for the last time, I did not eat the goddamn candy!
Spanky: Then who did?
Toot: I already told you who.
Spanky: Toot, I already told you, none of us judges you for being an insatiable glutton. Well... not anymore, at least. But quit trying to blame Wooldoor for something you did!
Toot: Spanky... can your tiny pig brain even entertain for one moment the thought that I might actually be telling the truth here? I mean, yes, I won't lie, I like candy. But I'm not the only person in the house who does! (She begins to think.) You know... you seem pretty determined to pin this crime on me, Spanky. If I didn't know better, I'd swear it was YOU who ate all the candy!
Spanky: Okay. I see how it is. You think that just because I have one eye, it means I ate all the candy! Sure... blame it on the little guy... with ONE EYE! (Toot glares at Spanky.)
The scene cuts to Wooldoor. He is talking to Reunitee and Thundercat, dressed as Jasmine and Aladdin, respectively. Reunitee wears pink harem pants.
Wooldoor: What I don't understand is, why did we even BUY any black licorice? Nobody likes that stuff- not even Toot! And she once ate a toaster!
Cut to a flashback of the gang at breakfast one day. The group glares angrily at Toot, who is standing in front of an empty spot on the counter where the toaster should be. A disconnected cord is still plugged into the outlet.
Toot: What? My bread was stuck!
Cut back to Wooldoor, Reunitee, and Thundercat.
Reunitee: I love black licorice, Wooldoor! I'll take it if you don't want it!
Wooldoor: Okay! (He hands her the bag.)
Thundercat: By the way, Wooldoor, I love your costume!
Wooldoor: Why, thank you!
Thundercat: But refresh my memory, Wooldoor. Which Disney movie had the Twinkie cowboy in it?
Wooldoor: (reacting the same way Ling-Ling did earlier in the episode) AAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH! (Wooldoor turns around and runs out the front door. Reunitee and Thundercat look at each other and both shrug.)
Cut to the outside of the house. Hero and Foxxy are scurrying along the side of the house. Hero holds Foxxy by the hand as they run.
Hero: Come on, Foxxy! Everyone else is busy in the living room! If we go all the way around to the back of the house, we'll be completely alone!
As the camera cuts to a shot of Hero from the front, we see a long rope appear in front of him. As he and Foxxy run in the direction of the rope, we see a figure climbing down the rope dressed in a Tinkerbell costume. Naturally, Hero makes it to the rope at just the right moment to collide with the figure coming down. Hero lets go of Foxxy and steps back. The impact causes the figure to let go of the rope and fall to the ground.
Hero: All right, fella, what's the big idea? You trying to sneak into our house? (Hero grabs the figure by the shoulder and turns its head toward himself.)
Xandir: No, just the opposite! I'm trying to LEAVE!
Hero: Sneaking out of Clara's party, huh? That's cool- so are we!
Foxxy: Now hold on a minute, Xandir. I thought you told Clara that you wasn't gonna be attending her party cause you were offended at the theme.
Xandir: That's right, Foxxy, I am! I was very offended that she chose a Disney theme for the party when there are no gay Disney characters. That's why I told her that I was going to lock myself in my room out of protest! (Foxxy stares at him.) And I meant to! Really, I did! But... Fernando is having a Halloween party of his own tonight, and I guess the temptation was just too much for me.
Foxxy: I see. So tell me something, Xandir. If you really were offended at the party's Disney theme-
Xandir: Oh, I was, I was!
Foxxy: Then why is it you is now currently dressed as Tinkerbell? Who, if I am not mistaken, is a DISNEY CHARACTER???
Xandir: Um... um... er... well, you know...
Foxxy: You know, Xandir, if I didn't know better, I'd swear you cooked that whole story up just to get out of having to attend Clara's party!
Xandir freezes like a deer caught in the headlights. At that moment, we hear the sharp, clear voice of a new figure entering the scene.
Clara: (walking into view) Aha! I suspected something was up, Xandir! You know, something about your little protest didn't quite ring true to me, but I was prepared to give you the benefit of the doubt. But now- now that I see that my suspicions were right all along-
As Clara holds a finger in his face, threateningly, Xandir cowers. Hero and Foxxy take this opportunity to discreetly exit the scene.
Xandir: Please don't hurt me, Clara!
Clara: Xandir, are you trying to make me look bad?
Xandir: Well, you ARE the biggest threat to my title as prettiest person in the house!
Clara: Xandir, just put yourself in my shoes for a minute.
Xandir: But you're not even wearing-
Clara: It's just an expression, okay? And it's not even the first time you've used that joke. And it wasn't even a funny joke to begin with. But anyway. Everybody thinks of me as uptight, prudish, no-fun Clara. So I thought I would volunteer to host the Halloween party to show everybody that I can be as relaxed and fun as anybody else!
Xandir: Yeah, "relaxed and fun". You're sure nailing that one right now!
Clara: I'm just trying to throw a cool, fun party where everyone has a great time. And you guys are not exactly making it easy on me! I mean, between you raising a stink about the theme which I come to find out you're not even sincere about anyway, and Spanky spending the whole party trying to pry off Unusually Flexible Girl's fishtail despite her protests that she isn't even naked under there, and Toot gobbling up all the candy so we don't have anything to give to the trick or treaters-
Toot: (suddenly appearing behind Clara) Oh, goddammit, people, whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty?
Clara: (turning around to where Toot is) Toot, is there a reason you came out here other than to conveniently overhear me talking about you?
Toot: Is there a reason YOU came out here other than to conveniently catch Xandir trying to sneak out?
Clara: Point taken.
Toot: Anyway, I just wanted to ask you about something. Where did you put the apples for the apple bobbing later? I wanted to make a poisoned one.
Clara: Oh, I see. To go with your costume.
Toot: Uh... right. To go with my costume. Sure.
Clara: They're in the basement next to the stairs. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to chewing out Xandir.
Clara turns to see that Xandir is gone.
Clara: Goddammit! (She turns and stalks off back toward the house, turning briefly to talk to Toot as she exits.) Thanks a lot, Toot! You let Xandir get away!
As Clara walks out of sight, Toot raises her hands into the air in an expression of disbelief. As she continues to stand there staring, we hear someone calling to her just out of the camera view.
Marty: Hey, Toot. Can I talk to you for a moment?
Toot: What is it, Marty?
Marty: This costume you picked out for me... I really don't think it's going to work.
Toot: What, are you kidding? It's a terrific costume!
Marty: I look silly in it! It's totally wrong for my body type!
Toot: Well, I think it's perfect for you!
The camera finally pans to reveal Marty. He is wearing brown boots, black leggings, yellow gloves, and a red tunic that is much, much too big for him.
Marty: Toot, what in your wildest dreams ever gave you the idea that I could make a convincing Gaston?
Toot: Okay, well, maybe it's a liiiiiiittle big on you...
Marty: Captain Hero couldn't fill out this thing!
Toot: Well, the steroid version maybe could have.
Marty: Come on, Toot-
Toot: Okay, Marty, I admit it, it was a bad idea! I'm sorry, Marty, it's just that... well... I'm just so tired of everyone making jokes about how small you are!
Marty: And this costume does a brilliant job of hiding that fact!
Toot: (putting her arm on Marty's) Marty, I'm sorry. I honestly don't care how short or tall you are. Really, I don't. It's just that... well, sometimes you just get tired of hearing the same jokes over and over. You know?
Marty: Yeah, I guess I do.
Toot: I mean, it's one thing when they tease me. I can give it back as well as I can take it. But when they start making fun of YOU... I don't know. I kind of feel like they're violating some boundaries there. I just feel like I should defend you. You know?
Marty: I know. Look, Toot, the short jokes don't bother me at all. In fact, I'm kind of flattered that your housemates pick on me the way they do. It makes me feel like I'm part of the group. You know?
Toot: I guess that's true! Well, then, in that case, let's get back in there and enjoy some group camaraderie!
Marty: Okay!
Toot and Marty start to walk back into the house. At that moment, Toot is distracted by a sound in the distance.
Toot: Is that... retching I hear?
Marty: Maybe somebody finally ate the black licorice!
Toot: You go on back inside, Marty. I'm going to investigate this.
Marty nods and returns to the house. Toot walks out toward the pool area. There she finds a short yellow figure doubled over in pain, throwing up into the pool.
Toot: Wooldoor?
Wooldoor does not answer. Toot walks over to him. She stands over his crumpled figure looking at him from behind with disdain.
Toot: So you DID eat the candy! I knew it!
Wooldoor: (turning to face her, obviously ill) No, I didn't!
Toot: Wooldoor, your face is turning green. And if I didn't know better, I'd swear that was acne starting to form on your face. Acne such as one might get from... oh, I don't know... suddenly consuming a massive amount of chocolate all at once???
Wooldoor: (still obviously very queasy) Actually, Toot, most studies show that the link between acne and eating chocolate is most likely a myth. So, sorry, I guess you still can't prove I ate the candy.
Toot: Wooldoor, there's a chewed up box of Milk Duds floating in your sick.
Wooldoor: Toot? (He turns around and vomits some more, then turns back.) I have a confession to make. I ate all the candy!
Toot: You don't say!
Wooldoor: Will you take me to the hospital?
Toot: The hospital? Ohhhhhh no, you don't!
Wooldoor: What?
Toot: If I take you to the hospital, they're going to make you all better! And if that happens, there goes all my evidence that it was you who ate the candy and not me!
Wooldoor: Toot, if you'll take me to the hospital right now, I promise I'll tell everybody the truth when we get back!
Toot: I suppose I can trust you, Wooldoor.
Wooldoor: Thank you, Toot.
Toot: But just to be on the safe side, you'd better tell everybody the truth FIRST! (She grabs Wooldoor by the collar and starts to drag him back inside the house with her.) THEN we'll go to the hospital!
A look of alarm crosses Wooldoor's face. With the toe of his boot, he lifts up the hem of Toot's Snow White dress, then brings his boot down very hard on her foot. Toot immediately screams in pain. As she begins hopping up and down on her good foot holding her other foot in pain, Wooldoor takes the opportunity to run past her back into the house.
Toot: Ow! Goddammit, Wooldoor!
As Toot continues to hop around in pain, the scene changes to Xandir's bedroom upstairs where we see Hero and Foxxy enjoying a romantic moment.
Foxxy: Hero, I got to hand it to you, this was brilliant. Nobody will ever think to look for us in Xandir's room!
Hero: That's right! Now that Xandir's scam has been exposed and everybody knows he isn't in here, this room will completely cease to be relevant to the plot. And therefore... the perfect hideaway for us.
Foxxy: You sure they won't find us in here?
Hero: Positive!
As soon as the words are out of Hero's mouth, he and Foxxy immediately turn toward the door. The watch it anxiously for a moment, expecting somebody to walk in. Nothing happens. They continue to wait for another moment. Still nothing. Hero turns back toward Foxxy.
Hero: Now, then. You ready to roleplay Tarzan and wild gypsy girl?
Foxxy: I sure am, sugar!
Hero whips off his loincloth, and kissing Foxxy, begins to lean her back on the bed. Foxxy begins to sing.
Foxxy: (singing to the tune of the Tarzan theme song) Ohhhhh... you'll be in my bo-
Before she can finish the word, the door is flung wide open. A very sick Wooldoor stands in the doorway.
Wooldoor: Captain Hero?
Foxxy: Goddammit!
Hero: (getting up and walking over to Wooldoor) Wooldoor, how did you get in here? I thought Xandir locked that door!
Wooldoor: I don't think Xandir really understands how to work the lock. Hero, I need your help!
Hero: Again?
Wooldoor: Captain Hero... would you rub my tummy?
Hero: What?
Wooldoor: Please, Hero... rub my tummy!
Hero: Um... er... I...
Wooldoor: Come on, Captain Hero! You're the only one in this house who really knows how to make me feel good! (Hero's jaw drops wide open.) Toot was going to give me the attention I needed, but before she would do anything, she insisted we come inside and tell all our friends first!
Hero: Well, I've heard of being an attention whore, but this is ridiculous!
Wooldoor: Please, Captain Hero?
Hero: Wooldoor, I'm not gay. You know that, right?
Wooldoor: (holding his stomach) Owww...
Hero: (to himself) Damn, that is one raging stiffie! (to Wooldoor) Hey, Wooldoor. You and Clara are kind of chummy, right? Why don't you go get her to satisfy your urges?
Wooldoor: Clara? Clara's nice and all, but... when it comes to this kind of thing, she doesn't know what to do!
Hero: True. I forgot who we were talking about for a moment. (Nervously he turns back toward Wooldoor.) Tell you what, Wooldoor. I'm kind of busy with Foxxy at the moment. Why don't we talk about this later?
Wooldoor: But I need it now!
Hero: I know, Wooldoor. I remember what it was like right after *I* first hit puberty. Here. I'll give you something to help you. (He quickly runs and gets a magazine and hands it to Wooldoor.)
Wooldoor: Porn?
Hero: (winking at Wooldoor) Knock yourself out, buddy!
With that, Hero closes the door and locks it behind him. Wooldoor stares after him in disbelief. Finally, not knowing what else to do, he looks down at the magazine. He immediately becomes irritated.
Wooldoor: Hero, did you forget whose room you were in? This is gay porn! I can't do anything with this!
Wooldoor sighs in frustration and tosses the magazine against the door, then turns and walks off angrily. He passes Clara coming down the hallway. Clara starts to walk toward her own room, but out of the corner of her eye, she catches something. She turns in the direction of the object she saw. It is the gay porno mag, its pages having fallen open to reveal a very large, erect black male receiving a handy from a bronzed young man. Clara quickly slaps her hand over her eyes.
Clara: (continuing down the hall) See no evil... hear no evil... (She opens the door to her room and quickly closes it behind her.)
The scene changes back to Hero and Foxxy inside Xandir's bedroom. Hero walks slowly back over toward the bed. He kneels on top of the bed and begins crawling toward Foxxy on his knees.
Hero: Now, then... where were we? Oh, right, I was about to stick my thing in your-
Foxxy: Hero, what was going on with Wooldoor?
Hero: You don't want to know.
Foxxy: I probably don't.
Hero: Now, then, Esmeralda... I bet you can't guess one thing that your little friend Quasimodo and I have in common!
Foxxy: Is this going to be a pun on the word "hump"?
Hero: Foxxy, I spend a long time coming up with that joke. Are you just going to shoot it down just like that?
Foxxy: I'm sorry, Hero. Go ahead.
Hero: Esmeralda... you want to know one thing that your hump and I have in common? Um... I mean... you want to know one thing that I have in common with Quasimodo's hump? No, wait. I mean... you want to know what Quasimodo has in common with humping you? (He winces in frustration.) Dammit! (Foxxy sighs.) Well, never mind. Let's just get back to business.
Hero leans in and begins to kiss Foxxy very sensuously. The scene then cuts to Spanky, back downstairs with Unusually Flexible Girl.
UFG: (slapping Spanky's hand away) No, Spanky!
Spanky: (holding his hand in pain) Owwww!
UFG: You cannot take my fishtail off and that's final!
Spanky: I wasn't going to take it off! I was just going to... crawl in there with you.
UFG: And do what? (Spanky grins.) Never mind.
Spanky: Look. If you'll let me crawl in there with you, I promise I won't try anything.
UFG: If you're not going to try anything, then why do you even want in there?
Spanky: Because it looks kind of cozy in there, and I've always wondered what it would be like to be a mermaid!
UFG: Yeah, right.
Spanky: Oh come on, you can trust me! Believe me, Unusually Flexible Girl. When you're with Spanky Ham... (He winks at her.) Nothing can POSSIBLY go wrong!
Unusually Flexible Girl becomes alarmed. At that moment, the scene quickly cuts to Hero and Foxxy in the bed upstairs. Foxxy is annoyed while Hero is very distressed, looking extremely ashamed and apologetic.
Hero: That's never happened to me before, I swear!
Foxxy: Uh huh.
Hero: Honest, Foxxy! I've been with tons and tons of women and you're the first one I ever- okay, going down that road probably isn't the best choice.
Foxxy: What happened, Hero? We was all into it, and then out of nowhere, you just turtled up!
Hero: Well, I just couldn't stop thinking about Wooldoor! (Foxxy sits up, alarmed.)
Foxxy: Wooldoor?
Hero: Not, it's not like that, Foxxy! It's just that Wooldoor was in here earlier acting all strange, and... I guess that whole weird conversation just threw my concentration off!
Foxxy: I see.
Hero: Oh, this is terrible. Here it is Halloween and we're spending it grumbling at each other while everyone else in the house is just having fun and enjoying the season!
At this point, a montage begins to play consisting of brief moments from each of the other characters' frustrations. It begins with Clara on her knees in front of her bed.
Clara: Ling-Ling? Ling-Ling, please come out.
Ling-Ling: What, so one dressed as Aladdin can make Ling-Ling be stupid monkey?
Clara: Ling-Ling, I promise you, not EVERYONE in the house wants you to be their sidekick!
At that moment, Bleh pops up in the doorway.
Bleh: Hey, Clara? Whenever you get that little pet of yours to come out, could you put this Piglet costume on him for me?
As Bleh holds up a small Piglet costume, Clara, without even turning to look at her, just stares ahead angrily. The scene cuts to Spanky and Toot arguing downstairs.
Toot: I'm telling you, Spanky, I have actual physical proof that it was Wooldoor who ate the candy and not me! Just come on out to the pool and I'll show you his vomit!
Spanky: Oh, now, THERE'S an invitation I can't refuse!
Cut to Wooldoor in his doctor's office. He sits patiently in the chair for a moment, still very much queasy.
Wooldoor: Why in the world hasn't the doctor shown up yet? (He realizes.) Oh, right. That's me. (He gets up from the chair and quickly puts on his surgical garb over his Woody costume, then hops up onto the operating table. He pulls out a scalpel and positions it over his stomach.) Well, I've never done one of THESE before... oh well, here goes nothing!
Wooldoor puts the scalpel to his stomach. The second he makes the tiniest little scratch, he becomes woozy.
Wooldoor: Oh... blood...
With this, Wooldoor faints. The scene cuts to Xandir slow dancing with Fernando, dressed as Jack Bauer.
Xandir: Oh, Fernando! This is the best Halloween party ever!
Fernando: And what was wrong with the party I threw last year?
Xandir: (sighing) Oh, Fernando!
Cut back to Foxxy. As Hero sits beside her continuing to panic, Foxxy is now sitting up in the bed thinking.
Foxxy (in confessional): I wasn't quite sure how I was going to be able to solve everybody's problems at once. But if that montage gave me any ideas, I thought that maybe I might be able to tackle things one problem at a time and then see if maybe a chain reaction might start.
Cut back to Fernando's party. Xandir and Fernando are now kissing. Xandir lifts his Tinkerbell slipper-clad foot into the air. As Xandir and Fernando continue to kiss, suddenly a hand falls on Xandir's shoulder from behind and pulls him back.
Xandir: Hey, do you mind? Fernando and I are trying to kiss! You'll have to wait your turn, Ernesto!
Foxxy: It ain't Ernesto, Xandir, it's me.
Xandir: Foxxy? What are you doing here?
Foxxy: Xandir, I came to drag your pixie ass back to Clara's party where it belongs!
Xandir: But Foxxy! I told you that Clara's party offends me because there aren't any-
Foxxy: Give it up, Xandir. You already admitted to both Hero and me that that whole story was a crock!
Xandir: Oh, right. I keep forgetting who I tell these things too.
Foxxy: Now come on back with me, Xandir! Clara went to a lot of trouble to throw that party for everyone, and if you's her friend, it's the least you can do to be there and enjoy it for her.
Xandir: But Fernando went to a lot of trouble too! It's not fair for me to miss his party either!
Foxxy: Xandir, look at it this way. Out of Fernando and Clara... which one do you think stays up later?
Xandir: Good point. Clara will probably be in the bed and asleep by the time this party just BEGINS to start getting good! Okay, Foxxy. You're right. Clara's my friend, and I owe it to her to support her pathetic attempt to seem as cool as everybody else.
Foxxy: That's right! (She begins leading Xandir out of the party.)
Xandir: (waving goodbye) See you around 10:00, Fernando!
Cut back to Xandir's bedroom. Hero is on the phone.
Hero: Yes, I need a case of the strongest stuff you've got, and I need it stat! It's an emergency! (He pauses while the other party speaks.) Tomorrow's not good enough! I'm horny NOW! Well, if you can't get it to me any quicker than that, would you have any advice for what I can do in the meantime? (He pauses again, becoming slightly irritated.) Oh, now where am I going to find two tubs in the middle of a field at this hour?
Cut back to the party downstairs. A forlorn Clara slowly trudges down the stairs. At that moment, Foxxy walks in with Xandir.
Foxxy: Oh, Clara? Guess who decided to show up to your party after all! (Clara's face lights up.)
Clara: Xandir? You... you seriously want to be at my party?
Xandir: Clara, I'm sorry that I made up an excuse to get out of your party. I should have just told you from the beginning that I had another party to go to. I'm sure we could have worked something out.
Clara: I think we could have.
Xandir: And besides, I can see Fernando any time I want. But this party was a special occasion for you, and I'm sorry I wasn't more sensitive to that fact.
Clara: That's okay, Xandir. The important thing is you came.
Xandir: Well, I haven't YET. I mean, Fernando and I hadn't gotten any farther than kissing- (He sees that Clara is slightly grossed out.) Oh, that's not what you meant. (Clara nods.) Anyway, I'm sorry I lied, and I'm sorry I sneaked off like that. Can you forgive me?
Clara: Of course I forgive you, Xandir. Can you forgive ME for being so anal- (Xandir's eyebrows pop up. Clara hastily reconsiders her choice of words.) I mean, can you forgive me for being such a control freak over a stupid Halloween party?
Xandir: I forgive you, Clara. (He opens his arms wide.) Come on, let's hug it out!
Clara: Okay!
Clara and Xandir hug. Everyone else in the room reacts with an "Awwwwwww!" sound. As they are hugging, Ling-Ling suddenly pops up at the bottom of the stairs.
Ling-Ling: Carla?
Clara: (letting go of Xandir and turning to Ling-Ling) What is it, Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling: Carla, Ling-Ling overhear what Carla say to homo, and he want to say that he very touched that Carla and homo can show such understanding with each other given their history together. Anyway, Ling-Ling just want to say... (He pulls off his Stitch costume to reveal a raccoon costume underneath.) Ling-Ling PROUD to be Carla's sidekick!
Clara: (very touched) Oh, Ling-Ling! You dressed as Meeko for me! (She picks up Ling-Ling and hugs him. After hugging Clara for a moment, Ling-Ling turns to the crowd.)
Ling-Ling: And just so everyone else know, Ling-Ling is Carla's sidekick and nobody else's! So everyone quit asking him to be Sulley, monkey, dwarf, or whatever other stupid crap you people come up with!
Ling-Ling and Clara kiss. The crowd "Awwwwwww!"s again. The camera then cuts to Spanky and Toot in the midst of the crowd.
Toot: Wow. I didn't realize it was that easy to forgive somebody.
Spanky: Yeah. (He pauses for a moment.) Speaking of forgiveness... (He turns to Toot.) Toot?
Toot: Yes, Spanky?
Spanky: Toot, I'm sorry I accused you of eating all the candy. You said you didn't do it, and that should have been enough for me. I guess I forgot about innocent until proven guilty.
Toot: Thanks, Spanky.
Spanky: So are you going to apologize to Wooldoor for doing the same?
Toot: Well, actually, I *did* end up proving *him* guilty of eating all the candy.
Spanky: How'd you do that?
Toot: I found him outside by the pool sick as a- (Suddenly, she realizes.) Oh, my God! Poor Wooldoor! Oh, my God, what have I done?
The scene changes to Wooldoor's doctor's office. Wooldoor has recovered consciousness, but is still somewhat dazed. Toot bursts in.
Toot: Wooldoor! (She rushes up to him.) Oh, thank God, you're still alive! (She puts her arms around him. At this point, Hero and Foxxy can be seen walking in the doorway.) Wooldoor, I'm sorry I didn't take you to the hospital like you wanted. I was only thinking of my own selfish needs. But don't worry. I'm going to take you to the ER right now even if I have to carry you all the way there on my back! (Toot picks Wooldoor up and puts him on her back and begins to walk out with him.)
Wooldoor: Awwwwwww... thanks, Toot! But it's okay, you really don't have to do that. I'm actually feeling much better now. I think all I needed to do was lie down for a bit. (He sighs.) Why do I always have to overdramatize everything? (Toot smiles.)
Toot: Cause that's what we do around here, Wooldoor!
Wooldoor: We sure do!
Toot puts Wooldoor down. The two of them walk past Hero and Foxxy, heading back in the direction of the living room. Hero turns to Foxxy.
Hero: Do you believe that, Foxxy? Wooldoor wasn't coming onto me at all! He was just sick this whole time!
Foxxy: So is that going to be enough to fix that little performance issue you were having?
Hero: I don't know, Foxxy. It depends. (He turns to her.) You don't know where we'd be able to find two tubs in the middle of a field, do you?
Foxxy: Well... I know where we can find ONE tub in the middle of a bathroom!
Hero: Works for me!
Hero grabs Foxxy by the hand and takes off upstairs with her. The scene changes back to the living room downstairs. A small stage has been set up with a podium at the front. The Jew Producer, dressed as the Mad Hatter, stands at the podium. Clara stands behind him.
Jew Producer: Attention, honored guests. As much as it pains me to say it, it looks like Clara's party was a rousing success. (He grumbles under his breath.) Which means I gotta cough up the dough for next year's Halloween party. (He clears his throat and resumes speaking to the crowd.) Anyway, we now come to the highlight of our evening. To introduce to you the winner of this year's Best Costume contest, I give you... Princess Clara.
Clara walks up to the podium and takes the microphone.
Clara: Thank you, Mr. Jew Producer!
Jew Producer: (walking off the stage, grumbling) I need a drink!
Clara: (addressing the crowd) First of all, I'd like to thank you all for attending. As you know, mainly because I've been repeatedly shoving it down your throats all night, this is the first party I've ever thrown by myself, and I'm eternally grateful to all of you for making it the success that it was. Now without further ado... (She picks up a very large trophy.) I present to you the winner of this year's Best Costume contest, none other than... Wooldoor Sockbat! (Wooldoor is thrilled.)
Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!
Wooldoor walks up onto the stage and starts to take the trophy from Clara. However, Clara yanks the trophy out of his reach at the last minute.
Clara: Who unfortunately is disqualified for not following the theme. (She turns to Wooldoor.) Twinkie the Kid isn't Disney, Wooldoor! (Wooldoor is shocked and disappointed.) So instead, the trophy will go to... Munchkin Mouse, for his uncanny Lightning McQueen costume!
Munchkin Mouse: Yay! I won!
Munchkin Mouse begins dancing happily in excitement as Wooldoor looks on, still shocked. Munchkin Mouse walks up onto the stage. Clara hands him the trophy. Munchkin Mouse falls to the ground, crushed under the trophy which is more than twice as big as himself.
Clara: And the runner-up, by one vote, is Spanky Ham dressed as Mike Wazowski... who unfortunately doesn't get anything because the Jew Producer is a lousy cheapskate. In fact, I'm not quite sure why he was willing to spring for this huge trophy for the winner!
Jew Producer: (holding a liquor bottle, starting to become drunk) It was my old Little League trophy, I just scratched the name out!
Clara: Anyway, I'd like to thank you all very much for coming. (She picks up Ling-Ling.) Now if you'll excuse me, it's late, and it's time for me to get to bed! (She walks off the stage.)
Xandir: (throwing his arms in the air in excitement) Woohoo!
As Clara, holding Ling-Ling, walks upstairs, Xandir dashes out the front door. The camera cuts to Spanky and UFG chatting.
Spanky: God. Do you believe that? I lost by one vote! To think, I might have won if I had only remembered to vote for myself!
UFG: You didn't vote for yourself? (Spanky shakes his head.) Why not?
Spanky: Well, I was going to, but... once I had that ballot in front of me, I did what I always do, and I voted for Nixon. (He sighs.) I guess old habits die hard.
The camera does a slight pan to the right to reveal Richard Nixon dressed as Captain Hook and holding a cup of punch.
Nixon: That's all right, Spanky. I just wish your vote had helped me win.
Spanky nods in agreement. Nixon returns to drinking his punch. The scene fades.
THE END
(Or... is it?)
As the closing credits begin to play, the scene fades back up on the living room. Most of the party guests have gone. The Jew Producer lies passed out against the wall. Nixon, still holding a cup of punch, walks up to him.
Nixon: Sir, that's a fine Republican cloth coat you're wearing there, if you don't mind me saying so.
The Jew Producer does not respond. Nixon walks into the kitchen, where we see Toot, Spanky, and Wooldoor sitting at the table hanging out after the party. Nixon opens the refrigerator and begins looking through it.
Wooldoor: Um, guys? Why the hell is Nixon still here?
Toot: I don't know, but he's creeping me out!
Spanky: I guess he *has* kind of overstayed his welcome.
Toot: Tell him to go!
Spanky: You tell him!
Toot: Hey, I'm not the one who invited him!
Wooldoor: I thought Nixon was dead!
Spanky: Um... this is Drawn Together.
Wooldoor: Oh, right.
Toot: Ewwww, he's drinking milk from the carton! Do something!
Nixon, milk carton in hand, walks over to the group. He puts his arm around Wooldoor.
Nixon: Did I ever tell you that you remind me of Pat? (Wooldoor looks worried. Nixon looks at Toot.) And you remind me of Tricia! (Toot looks worried. Nixon looks at Spanky.) And you, good sir. You remind me of...
Spanky: (eagerly) Kissinger?
Nixon: Checkers!
Spanky sulks, disappointed. The credits end and the scene fades.
THE END