Post by Raymond-Raymond on Nov 24, 2008 13:30:57 GMT -5
PIPE DREAM
The show opens on a long shot of a wooded glade. The sun is shining brightly. We cut to a riverbank. Several small creatures are gathered around playing happily.
Chipmunk: Boy, playing in the forest sure is fun! Isn't it, Hammy the Uncreatively Named Hamster?
Hamster: You said it, Chip the Chipmunk!
Gerbil: Hey, I have an idea! Let's all sing!
Gopher: But how are we going to do that, Gerby the Gerbil? We can only sing if an enchanted maiden accompanies us! And where are we going to find one of those?
Gerbil: Despite your implausibly pretentious name, you're right, Go-Go Gadget Gopher. There hasn't been an enchanted maiden around these parts in... forever!
Mouse: I miss Clara. I wish she was still around.
Gopher: Ugh! For the love of God, Michael Mouse, will you shut up about Clara? Clara's gone! She's never coming back!
Mouse: She's gone? But... why did she leave?
Rat: She didn't leave. WE left. We didn't want to, but... we were taken from her. Against our will.
Mouse: Perhaps she'll come and rescue us, Ricky Rat!
Gerbil: I fear not.
Chipmunk: (perking up) Wait! What's that I hear? (We hear something in the background that sounds vaguely like a woman singing.)
Hamster: It's Clara! She's trying to summon us!
Mouse: I knew she'd come for us!
The singing becomes louder. It takes the form of the wordless "Ahh ahh ahh ahh" singing that Ariel used in The Little Mermaid.
Gopher: Sing louder, Clara! The clearer you are, the quicker we can come find you and join you!
As the animals buzz around excitedly trying to hear the song, a faint rumbling sound begins to become apparent. The animals are disturbed.
Gerbil: What's that rumbling sound?
Rabbit: Perhaps it's a vehicle which will take us to Clara! A machine of the gods! A deus ex machina!
The rumbling gets noticeably louder, completely covering up the song.
Gopher: I don't think that's a deus ex machina, Rabbi Rabbit!
Chipmunk: It sounds more like-
At that moment, a gigantic brown boulder comes tumbling over the horizon. It is headed straight for the glade where the animals have all gathered. The animals look up, horrified.
Gopher: Help! Everybody- run!
The animals, screaming all the while, turn and begin to run away as quickly as they can. The brown boulder continues to bear down on them. The animals run past the Smurf Village, which the boulder crushes in its path along with several Smurfs. Finally, the animals hit the edge of the forest.
Squirrel: Oh no! What to do, wise gopher? There is no place left to run!
Gopher: We have no time, Squiggy Squirrel! We'll have to jump for it!
Just as the boulder is about to catch up to the animals, they all turn and jump over the edge of the precipice. Still screaming, they fall into a giant whirlpool and begin spinning around furiously. Finally, they are completely consumed by the whirlpool and vanish from sight. The brown boulder falls into the whirlpool and subsequently vanishes as well. At this point, the camera cuts to Xandir flushing the toilet. He walks out of the bathroom, still humming the Little Mermaid song. Cut to the kitchen downstairs. The women are sitting around planning something.
Toot: So everybody has a box. Some of the boxes have something good inside, but one of them... has a bomb! If the person who has the bomb can open the box without it going off, they win the prize!
Foxxy: Toot, seriously, can't you think of a better way to give out gifts at the reception?
Toot: I like taking boring old customs and making them fun! Speaking of which-
Clara: No, Toot, I will not wear a vinyl bridesmaid dress, maid of honor or not!
Toot: I just thought it would make you stand out from the crowd! Now I know you like purple. Well, I know a place where you can get that same exact dress you have on now, only in vinyl.
Clara: No!
Toot: Awwwwww! Why not?
Clara: Toot, good taste aside, if I spend the entire wedding ceremony and reception clad in leather, do you know what it's going to smell like when I finally take that stuff OFF?
Cut to the guys sitting around upstairs. Spanky is reading a magazine while Wooldoor and Hero play pool. Out of nowhere, Spanky's head explodes. Wooldoor and Hero look over at him curiously. The scene changes back to the women.
Toot: All right. Fine. This will be a leather-free wedding.
Clara: Thank you.
Toot: Although you know, maybe I should recycle this exploding box idea for Christmas. I could get the people I love really nice gifts, and the ones I only PRETEND to love... exploding box!
Clara: Is this where you make a joke about your mother?
Toot: Hey, I love my mother! I really do!
Clara: Well, that's good.
Toot: So she gets a nice gift AND an exploding box!
Clara: There it is.
Foxxy: Christmas... I'm glad you guys reminded me. I still need to figure out what I want to get Captain Hero.
Toot: Why don't you just put some wrapping paper and ribbon around your boobs?
Foxxy: I already gave him that for his birthday!
Toot: Well, what about your-
Foxxy: Are you guys seriously gonna want to see him open that one up in front of all of us? (Clara is disgusted, but Toot is excited.)
Toot: Ooh! Yes, yes, yes! (Suddenly she stops.) That kinda makes me look like a lesbo, doesn't it?
At that moment, Xandir walks in, still humming.
Xandir: Hey, guys! Has my new Star Magazine shown up yet?
Foxxy: The mail doesn't come for another hour, Xandir.
Toot (in confessional): Forget it. We're not going there this time.
Toot: And besides, Xandir, we told you that when your magazine arrived, we'd bring it to you upstairs. Now get out of here so we can plan the wedding!
Clara: Yeah, Xandir! This is girl time! No boys allowed!
Xandir: Well... (He puts his hands on his hips and raises his eyebrows.)
Foxxy: (turning to the others) He does have a point. What do you say, Toot?
Toot: Eh... I could go either way. I think I'll leave it up to my maid of honor to decide.
Xandir: So what do you say, Clara? Can I stay? (Clara thinks. Xandir looks at her pleadingly.)
Clara: Do you promise to keep your mind focused on the wedding and NOT on hot guys?
Xandir: Totally! I love this wedding stuff! Why, wedding is my middle name!
Toot: I thought your middle name was some unpronouncable elf word.
Xandir: I wish wedding was my middle name. Perhaps if it was, I could have finally gotten Fernando to settle down. (He becomes wistful.) Oh, Fernando. Why won't you run away with me? Is it because your basement is the headquarters for a lucrative gay porn enterprise?
Clara: Okay, second rule. If you want to stay, you have to promise not to talk about Fernando.
Xandir: (turning away) See ya! (He leaves. Foxxy and Toot turn to Clara.)
Foxxy: Now, Clara. Was that really necessary?
Clara: What do you mean?
Foxxy: Xandir was giving you what you wanted, Clara. He wasn't talking about gay sex or sticking stuff in his butt this time. All he wanted to do was talk about his boyfriend. Is that really so bad?
Clara: I'm sorry, Foxxy. Maybe I overreacted. I guess I should go apologize to him.
Clara turns and leaves. Toot shows a paper to Foxxy.
Toot: These are all the changes I made to Clara's wedding plans.
Foxxy: Toot, is you crazy? Why do you even want chanting Hare Krishnas as ushers?
Toot: I don't. I just like giving Clara stuff to veto. And besides, one of these days, she's going to let something slip in! Hopefully it'll be the crotchless tuxes for the groomsmen.
Foxxy: (reading the sheet) Damn, Toot! If you actually got to DO all this stuff, the video of your wedding would be rated X!
Toot: X? Damn! I was shooting for Triple X!
Foxxy: Toot... you're going to be MY maid of honor, right?
Toot: That's the plan!
Foxxy: (smiling, handing Toot the paper) Hang on to this sheet.
Toot grins and takes the paper from Foxxy. At that moment, there is a horrendous shriek from upstairs.
Toot: Goddammit, Clara! I told you to knock before you go in Xandir's room!
Clara enters the room, white as a ghost.
Clara: I saw... in the bathroom... it was... it was naked!
Foxxy: Bathrooms kind of encourage the nudity, Clara.
Clara: It was naked... and it was dead!
Toot: Dead? What the hell?
Clara: In our bathtub! You guys have to come see!
Cut to upstairs. The door to the bathroom flings open. Clara turns on the light. All of the other housemates are with her.
Toot: Again- what the hell?
Foxxy walks over to the bathtub. We see Richard Nixon lying there completely motionless.
Foxxy: It's President Nixon, you guys!
Toot: Oh, good Lord. He's STILL here?
Wooldoor: Wait a second. Richard Nixon is dead in our bathtub?
Foxxy touches Nixon on the shoulder. He stirs. Foxxy reacts with a start.
Nixon: Oh, hello, Julie. I see you've brought David and the kids.
Hero: (sticking his hand up) Dibs on David! (Spanky snaps his fingers in annoyance.)
Toot: Oh, look. He's alive. Great. Now we can enjoy his... company... some more.
Foxxy: (walking over to the sink) I just touched a dead guy. I need to wash my hands.
Spanky: He's not dead, Foxxy.
Foxxy: Well, he's still Nixon, and he's still gross.
Spanky: Pfft. You liberals are all alike.
Foxxy: Okay, guys, something's wrong with the sink. I think it's clogged.
Spanky: Yeah, it's clogged. Clogged with half-baked liberal ideology! Am I right? (Spanky and Nixon high five each other.)
Xandir: The toilet won't flush now, either! Something must be wrong with our pipes.
Foxxy: We'd better call a plumber, I guess. In the meantime- wait a minute. (She sees a piece of paper at her feet. She picks it up.) What's this? (The others gather around to look. Nixon hurriedly grabs the paper away from her.)
Nixon: Gimme that!
Foxxy: What was that paper, Mr. Nixon? It looked like a list of some sort!
Nixon: It's mine. Just forget about it.
Xandir: And why was my name on it?
Nixon coughs, then clams up. The other stare at him for a moment, then shrug and go about their business. All except Spanky walk out.
Xandir: (as he is exiting) How did I not see him when I was in here before?
The others are all gone. Spanky grasps his chin thoughtfully.
Spanky: Darn! I knew I should have stuck him in the closet!
He shrugs. Nixon begins to snore.
CUE OPENING TITLES
Cut back to the kitchen, where the women are once again congregating.
Toot: (handing Clara a piece of paper) Now, then. These are just a few suggestions for my bridal shower.
Clara: (reading the paper) Toot, "give me lots of stuff" is not a suggestion.
Toot: I'll compromise. You give in on the giving me crap, I'll give in on the banana hats.
Foxxy: Banana hats? Hang on a second. Is THAT why there's a drawing of Carmen Miranda on page 37?
Clara: Toot, this is ridiculous. Is this a wedding or a circus?
Toot: You leave the tightrope walking clowns out of this!
Clara: Toot... no. As your maid of honor, I cannot let this mockery of God's most sacredest of unions go through.
Foxxy: Prop 8?
Clara: No... Toot's ridiculously gaudy wedding plans.
Toot: It just seems to me that this is *my* wedding, *I* should be calling the shots!
Clara: Yes, Toot, and you know I want you to be happy. I just don't want you to get so carried away with putting on a big show that you forget the reason you're getting married in the first place.
Toot: To show up my parents?
Clara: Because you love Marty.
Toot: Oh, right.
Foxxy: Clara, Toot loves Marty. And I know she'd be happy to get married in a civil ceremony down at City Hall if that was what she had to do.
Jew Producer: (suddenly coming on intercom) Yes! Yes! Do it! Do it!
Toot: (yelling at intercom) Shut up!
Foxxy: But you can't really blame her. All girls like to go a little nuts with their weddings. It's a special occasion.
Clara: I didn't!
Foxxy: Would you have if you didn't think it was a quickie wedding just so Ling-Ling could stay in the country?
Clara: Point taken. (She turns to Toot.) All right, Toot. I'll try to be a little more flexible on all your wacky whims.
Toot: Thanks, Clara. And I'll try to retain SOME semblance of taste.
Clara: Thanks. But you know, I think it'll be okay to go a LITTLE wild. It'll give the wedding a unique flavor, and besides, it's not like we're paying for it!
Jew Producer: (over intercom) Oh, you guys suck!
Foxxy: I have an idea. Why don't we all take a break for a few minutes and have a drink together. Then we can get back to planning this circus/wedding.
Clara: Sounds good to me!
Toot: Woohoo! Booze time! (Toot hops over to the sink and gets out a glass. She starts to wash it out, but notices something.) Goddammit! The pipes STILL aren't fixed yet!
Clara: What on earth is taking the plumber so long?
Cut to another part of the house. Wooldoor, wearing plumber's clothes and holding a wrench, is inside a cabinet banging on the pipes.
Wooldoor: Okay... not here... (He bangs on another part of the pipe. We hear a metallic ting.) Not here... (He bangs on another part of the pipe. Another metallic ting issues forth.) Not here... (He keeps crawling along the pipes under the cabinet. He comes to a part of the pipeline which is tremendously swelled and spewing water.) Darn it! Where is that confounded clog? (He ignores the swelled section of pipe and continues crawling on down. He comes to an innocuous looking section of pipe.) Hmmm... maybe I'll just open it up and probe my way around. (He twists off part of the pipe and reaches his hand inside. He pulls out some gunk.) Ewwwww! This is gross!
With his other hand, he pulls out a jar labelled "Random crap I found in the pipes" and puts the gunk inside. He reaches back into the pipe. After a moment, he pulls out some tissues. He puts them down and reaches back in. He pulls out a French horn, then puts it down and reaches back in. He then pulls out the same leprechaun we saw in "Gay Bash". He puts the leprechaun down, then reaches back into the pipes. He pulls out a bunch of Captain Hero's assault weapons from "N.R.A.y RAY". He puts them down and reaches back into the pipes. He then pulls out an entire aquarium, complete with castles and still swimming fish. He puts the aquarium down and reaches his hand back in to root around some more. As he is doing this, the animals from the beginning of the episode hop out of the other side of the open pipe.
Chipmunk: Yay!
Gerbil: We're free! We're free!
Hamster: Let's go try to find Clara again!
Squirrel: You think maybe we should try to wash off the smell of ass first?
As the animals scamper away, Wooldoor stares at them curiously.
Wooldoor: Wait a minute... what the hell is this?
Suddenly he turns back to the pipes. He finally withdraws his amazingly overstretched arm and looks questioningly at the object in his hand. It appears to be a short, narrow object of some sort. His eyes bug out.
Wooldoor: Oh, my God!
Cut to the game room upstairs. Hero and Spanky are playing pool while Ling-Ling and Marty play rock paper scissors. Xandir is reading Star. Wooldoor bursts in frantically, similar to the way he did in "Requiem for a Reality Show".
Wooldoor: Guys, guys, guys, guys! You'll never believe what I found!
Spanky: (turning around) Naked pictures of Lindsay Lohan sexing up Angelina Jolie?
Wooldoor: No.
Spanky: Then I'm not interested. (He returns to trying to line up his pool shot.)
Wooldoor: You guys, I found something when I was digging around in the pipes. I really think you guys need to see it. (They turn to face Wooldoor. He holds up the object.) Look!
Hero and Spanky stare at the object with wide open eyes. Ling-Ling and Marty walk over to Wooldoor and proceed to do the same. Ling-Ling's jaw drops open. Xandir continues to read his magazine.
Spanky: Oh, my God! That's a pregnancy test! And it's positive! (He pauses.) Somebody in this house is pregnant!
Hero: I bet it's one of the women!
Suddenly Xandir puts down his magazine and excitedly hurries over.
Xandir: Oooh, somebody's pregnant in this house? This is so exciting! It's just like reading Star!
Spanky: (taking the test from Wooldoor) Well, I'll be damned. (He looks around at the others.) Have any of the women said anything to any of you guys about this? (The guys all shake their heads no.) Interesting...
Wooldoor: Are any of you guys trying to have a kid? (Hero and Marty shake their heads. Wooldoor looks at Ling-Ling.) What about you, Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling: Er... uh...
Ling-Ling (in confessional): Ling-Ling and Carla ARE trying to have child... but he not sure this best place to bring it up. Carla know how excited Ling-Ling be to have child... it worry him that she get pregnant and then not tell him about it. He wonder if maybe Carla start to have second thoughts. It true that Carla so pro-life she make Jesse Helms look like liberal, but then... who knows how Carla might act if she find herself in situation herself? Carla do have tendency to be hypocrite after all.
Cut to Clara in the bathroom holding the positive pregnancy test. She is motionless, but clearly in a state of panic.
Clara: Oh my God... oh my God... there is actually a baby inside me. (She looks down at her stomach.) Get out! Get out! You're not supposed to be in there! (She fearfully puts a hand to her stomach, then looks up, somewhat calmer.) Wait. If I can convince God this fetus is demon spawn, maybe I can get it written off as an exorcism! I mean, I *was* pretty evil during the third season!
Cut back to the present. Ling-Ling is still staring fearfully.
Wooldoor: Well, Ling-Ling? Are you and Clara-
Spanky: Wooldoor, don't even bother questioning Ling-Ling. I'm going to tell you right now, there is no friggin' way that baby is Clara's. No. Friggin'. Way.
Wooldoor: Well, it *could* be! (He turns to Ling-Ling.) How far have you managed to get it into Clara?
Spanky: Wooldoor, just... no.
Wooldoor: Fine. So then, that has to mean that the baby is either Foxxy or Toot's.
Cut to Captain Hero on the phone.
Hero: Hello? Abortion clinic? Has a young, hot black woman been to see you in the last few days? No? Okay. (He hangs up.) Okay, it's not Foxxy's.
Wooldoor: That means the baby is Toot's! (He hugs Marty.) Congratulations, Marty!
Marty: Um... thanks?
Spanky: You know, Hero, Foxxy may not have gone to the abortion clinic to have it done. She may have gotten it done... another way.
Hero: I'm way ahead of you. (He gets back on the phone.) Hello? Mexico? Has there been a young, hot black woman sighted within your borders recently? No? Okay. (He hangs up.) Nope, it's not Foxxy's.
Wooldoor: Or, you know, she may have just decided to... oh, I don't know. Keep it?
Hero: Right on it! (He gets back on the phone.) Hello? Child Services?
Spanky: Okay, that's enough! (He grabs the phone away from Hero and hangs it up.)
Wooldoor: You know, guys, we could just ASK the women whose it is.
Spanky: Wooldoor, are you nuts? You found that pregnancy test flushed down the toilet! Obviously, whoever this happened to is trying to keep it a secret! If you asked one of the girls if she was pregnant, she'd probably slap your face! (Suddenly, a thought pops into Hero's head. He begins to grin.) Hero, no! (Hero is disappointed.)
Wooldoor: That's why I think it's Clara's. She's probably scared to death because it's her first baby.
Spanky: No, Wooldoor. It's not Clara's. Trust me on this.
Hero: And Wooldoor, going by that same logic, it could just as easily be Toot. She's never had a baby either.
Marty: It's not Toot.
Spanky: How do you know, Marty?
Marty: Because she's on birth control right now.
Spanky: You never know. She may have stopped taking it.
Marty: That's ridiculous. Why would she stop taking it and not tell me?
Spanky: Hmm... let's see. We know that Toot is pretty insecure. Maybe she got knocked up on purpose to keep you from leaving her.
Marty: Spanky, I'm offended! I would never leave Toot!
Spanky: Have you guys had a fight lately? Has she caught you checking out another woman?
Marty: Well... we had a fight. But then we made up.
Spanky: Really? How was the makeup sex? Hot? Really hot? Egg dropping hot?
Marty: Spanky, just stop. Toot knows I love her and that's that.
Spanky: She's pretty insecure about her body. Maybe she's afraid you'll leave her for a thinner woman.
Marty: I like Toot's body the way it is.
Spanky: Or a taller one.
Marty: Spanky, I'm 5'4" myself.
Spanky: So if you dated a woman who was about 5'11" or so, your face would come up to her breasts. Hmmm...
Marty: Spanky, you need a moment to yourself?
Spanky: Nah, I'm okay. I'll just file that one in the spank bank for later. So anyway... none of you guys are actively trying to have a child?
Ling-Ling: Well... Ling-Ling kind of is.
Spanky: Nice try. (He looks at Hero and Marty.) Neither of you guys are trying for a kid?
Hero: Foxxy and I have talked about it... but we were planning to wait until after we got married. Foxxy thought it would be romantic if we tried to conceive on our honeymoon.
Marty: Toot and I have broached the subject a couple of times. The whole idea makes her kind of nervous, to be honest. She's definitely not ready to have one NOW.
Spanky: I bet it's hers, then. It's always the one who's least prepared for it.
Wooldoor: Then in that case, it's more likely to be-
Spanky: It's not Clara's! Okay? I am going to go on record right now as stating that there is absolutely, positively, NO FRIGGIN' WAY that baby is Clara's!
Wooldoor: Okay, fine. So how are we going to figure out whose it is?
Xandir: Oh! I know! (He sits back down and re-immerses himself in his magazine.)
Spanky: Xandir, how is that going to help us figure out who's pregnant?
Xandir: I bet the answer's in here, you guys! Star is always the first to report! (The guys all stare at Xandir for a moment.) They know it before the celebrities do! That's how I found out I ran off to Europe with Patrick Duffy!
Spanky: Alllllll right. Actually, I was going to suggest that we go talk to the women.
Wooldoor: But I thought we weren't going to ask them whose it was.
Spanky: We're not going to ask them straight out, Wooldoor. We'll kind of... beat around the bush a little.
Hero: Ooh! Foxxy likes that!
Spanky: We'll ask them... without really asking them. If you know what I mean.
The guys all nod.
Wooldoor: (nodding) No.
Spanky: Just follow my lead.
Spanky starts to lead the other guys out. Hero stops them.
Hero: Wait a minute! (He points back at Xandir.) How do we know it's not Xandir's? (The guys all look at Xandir.)
Xandir: It can't be mine, you guys. I got my period this morning.
The rest of the guys nod, then turn and follow Spanky out of the room. Cut to the kitchen, where the women are still discussing.
Toot: Okay, so if we have the first bridal shower on the 15th...
Foxxy: First?
Toot: Why? How many do you get? (At that moment, the men walk in.) Oh, hey, guys! Look, we already took Xandir his magazine. He didn't need to send you guys down to come get it.
Spanky: Oh, that's not why we're here, Toot.
Foxxy: Oh, goddammit, y'all! How many times do I have to tell that just because some women are alone together for an unspecified length of time, it don't mean they's gonna strip down to their underwear and start having pillow fights!
Toot: The pillow fights aren't till after we've finished drinking!
Spanky: Foxxy, we know that you girls want to be alone to plan all this wedding/bridal shower stuff out. It's just that... we miss you, that's all.
Toot: Awwww, you guys! That's so sweet!
Spanky: We just wanted to drop by and see how you guys were doing. I promise, we'll just stay a minute and then we'll be out of your hair.
Clara: Well, thank you very much, guys. We appreciate the sentiment.
Hero: (looking at some of the wedding plans) Oh, Toot. Is that your wedding dress?
Toot: Yup! The one and only!
Hero: So are you planning to let it out?
Toot: (quickly becoming irritated) What?
Hero: You know, just in case by the time the special day arrives, you might be... (he puts his hands to his waist and mimes an enlarged stomach) bigger down there.
Toot: Goddammit, I am not fat! (She slaps Hero very hard in the face.)
Hero: (turned on) Ohhhhh... yeah...
Spanky: Foxxy, do you like to travel?
Foxxy: Sure, who doesn't?
Spanky: I was wondering if maybe you were planning any quick trips in the next few days.
Foxxy: Like where?
Spanky: Oh, I don't know. The mountains... the beach... Mexico?
Foxxy: Now why on earth would I want to go to Mexico?
Toot: Ooh! I want to go to Mexico! (The guys all look at Toot eagerly.) They have the BEST tacos! (The guys return to what they were doing.)
Wooldoor: Clara, I know you're very pro-life, but do you ever question if maybe-
Spanky: It's not Clara's, Wooldoor!
Wooldoor: Oh, right.
Clara: Guys... what is going on here? Why are you suddenly asking all of us these strange questions?
Foxxy: I gots to admit, the Foxxy is kind of curious herself what y'all's up to. (The guys become nervous)
Wooldoor: Uh oh... the women are becoming suspicious... (He looks frantically to the other guys.) Abort! Abort! (Spanky grabs Wooldoor and clamps his hand over Wooldoor's mouth.)
Spanky: Bad choice of words, Wooldoor! (He lets go of Wooldoor's mouth.)
Wooldoor: Sorry!
Toot: Um, yeah, um... while we appreciate you guys dropping by, I think maybe it's time for you to leave us alone.
Clara: Yeah. It's time for us to get back to planning Toot's two bridal showers, apparently.
Toot: Two?
Spanky: Fine. We'll get out of your hair. Come on, guys. (He leads the other guys out.) Let's get back to doing men things.
Xandir: Oh, goody!
Spanky: Not those kind of things, Xandir!
Xandir: Awwwww!
Hero (in confessional): So we returned to what we were doing. Spanky and Wooldoor decided to take up Foxxy's usual gig and snoop around while the rest of us just... sweated it out.
Cut to the game room. Hero, Marty, and Ling-Ling sit on the couch nervously.
Marty: I don't get this! If Toot was pregnant, why wouldn't she just tell me?
Ling-Ling: That what Ling-Ling want to know!
Hero: Wait. Ling-Ling, you want to know why Toot didn't tell Marty she was pregnant?
Ling-Ling: He mean with respect to Carla.
Hero: Oh, right. (Hero looks down at Ling-Ling.) Ling-Ling, I don't mean any disrespect by this, but-
Ling-Ling: Baby could be Ling-Ling's! He not care what honorable pig demon say!
Hero: Well, actually I was going to say that your fur looks a little flat this morning. Did you forget to clean it?
Ling-Ling: Yeah, Ling-Ling run out of Plerr. He need to stop by store and get some more.
Spanky and Wooldoor walk in. Wooldoor is holding a large bag. Xandir walks in behind them holding his magazine.
Spanky: All right, you guys. Wooldoor and I have done some snooping around the girls' personal spaces, and we've dug up some clues that might point us in the direction of a baby. (Hero, Marty, and Ling-Ling swarm around eagerly. Spanky unzips the bag and begins to pull things out.) Now, in Foxxy's room, I found this. (He pulls out a jar and hands it to Hero.)
Hero: Why... this is Foxxy's abortion jar! And it's empty! I don't understand it! It was full just a few days ago! (Everyone is somber.) But... why would she do this? Why would she abort our child?
Marty: Oh, geez, Hero. (He walks up to Hero and puts a hand on his shoulder.) I'm sorry.
Hero: (becoming defiant) No! I refuse to believe it! Foxxy may have aborted lots of kids in the past, but there is no way she would ever abort THIS child! No way!
Spanky: No? Then what about this? (He reaches back into the bag. He pulls out a bunch of coat hangers and hands them to Hero.) This is every coat hanger in Foxxy's closet. If you count them up, you'll see there's one missing.
Marty: Wait. You know exactly how many coat hangers Foxxy has?
Spanky: Hey, everybody's gotta have a hobby!
Hero: (finishes counting the hangers) Spanky's right! There IS one missing! (He looks up at the heavens and begins shouting.) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Wooldoor: Wait. That doesn't make sense. If Foxxy PAID for an abortion... why did she still need a coat hanger?
Spanky: She probably had it done at the HMO.
Cut to the island native on his drumkit playing a sting.
Wooldoor: Wait. The HMO? What does Xandir have to do with this? (Spanky sighs in frustration.) Did Xandir knock her up? Is that why she's aborting?
Spanky: Never mind.
Marty: Wait. (to Hero) YOU know exactly how many hangers Foxxy has too? What is with you people?
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling know how many pairs of underpants Carla has!
Spanky: Big deal, so do I. (Everyone looks at Spanky.) Oh, like that's news to anyone! (They back off.) Anyway, that's not the only thing I found. I also found THIS in the medicine cabinet. (He reaches into the bag and pulls out a flat, circular plastic container. The guys look at it curiously.)
Hero: (taking the object) Why, that... that's a birth control wheel! (He examines it.) And it's empty!
Xandir: Oh, wow. Hero. I guess it IS your kid.
Hero: Don't be silly, Xandir! This isn't Foxxy's wheel! She uses the sponge!
Xandir: Well, then-
Marty: Hang on a second. (He takes the wheel from Hero and looks at it.) This is Toot's wheel! Oh, my God! Wait. Maybe it's okay. Maybe she just hasn't refilled it yet. Spanky, did you find any pills laying around?
Spanky: Nope. No pills at all!
Marty: How thoroughly did you check?
Spanky: Oh, I searched every square inch of that room! Unfortunately, I didn't find any pills. I *did* find that video you two made, though. (He looks at Hero.) I had no idea Toot was so limber!
Marty: I gotta go talk to her.
Marty rushes out of the room in a panic. The scene changes to the kitchen where the women are still talking and planning.
Toot: I say yes.
Foxxy: I say yes.
Clara: I say no!
Toot: Sorry, Clara, you're overruled! Bachelorette party's going to have a penis cake!
Clara: Can it at least look like Jesus's penis?
Toot: You know what Jesus's penis looks like?
Clara: Nobody told me it was going to be an all-nude production of Superstar, okay?
Marty rushes into the room. The other guys wait in the doorway behind him.
Marty: Toot! Toot! (He runs up to Toot and puts his hands on her shoulders.) I have to talk to you!
Toot: What is it, Marty?
Marty: Um... um... I'm going to run to the store. Do you need anything?
Spanky: Smooth!
Toot: No, thanks, Marty. I'm fine.
Marty: Seriously? You don't need anything from the store? Nothing at all? No pickles, no ice cream, no... disposable diapers?
Toot: Seriously, Marty, I'm fine. I don't need a single thing from the store.
Marty: Nothing at all?
Toot: Not a thing! (Marty breathes a huge sigh of relief. He starts to walk out. At the last moment, Toot calls to him.) Oh, but if you're going to go by the pharmacy, could you pick me up some more birth control? (He turns back with a panicked look.) I ran out, like, a month ago, and I've been too lazy to get my prescription refilled! (Marty walks up to Toot cautiously.)
Marty: You mean to tell me that you've been off birth control for an entire month?
Toot: Don't be silly, Marty! I've still been using birth control. (Marty breathes a sigh of relief.) I mean, I don't have any more pills left, but it's okay. I've been using the rhythm method!
Marty nearly faints.
Spanky: Oh, crap!
Hero: That kid is so yours!
Marty: Wait a second! (He whisks the guys toward the front door, safely out of earshot of the women.) Actually, you guys, this is good. This proves the kid ISN'T mine! If Toot was pregnant, why would she be needing more birth control?
Spanky: Maybe she's planning to abort.
Hero: Or she's already aborted.
Marty: Guys, that's silly!
Toot: (calling from the kitchen) Oh, Marty, I just happened to think of something! You're going to the store, get me some more coat hangers, okay? (Marty becomes alarmed.)
Marty: (calling back to her) But... you don't need any more coat hangers! Your clothes are all on hangers already.
Toot: I need them for something else.
Marty: What?
Toot: (angrily) Who cares? Just get some, okay?
Marty: Why?
Toot: (shouting) Don't question me, Marty, just do it!
The guys look at each other.
Hero: Wow! She's moody!
Spanky: Yeah! One might even say... hormonal!
Wooldoor: Actually, you guys, Toot is pretty much like this even when she isn't pregnant.
Spanky: Yeah, she is. (He looks at Marty. He begins patting him on the shoulder.) Boy, good luck with that marriage, Marty!
Marty gives Spanky the stink eye. He then sighs and shakes his head. He turns to walk out the front door.
Spanky: Where are you going?
Marty: (stopping) Where do you think? The store! I gotta get Toot some coat hangers, apparently. (Marty turns back toward the door and opens it.)
Ling-Ling: Get Ling-Ling some Plerr while you there!
Marty walks out the door, closing it behind him. The guys all look at each other.
(to be continued...)
The show opens on a long shot of a wooded glade. The sun is shining brightly. We cut to a riverbank. Several small creatures are gathered around playing happily.
Chipmunk: Boy, playing in the forest sure is fun! Isn't it, Hammy the Uncreatively Named Hamster?
Hamster: You said it, Chip the Chipmunk!
Gerbil: Hey, I have an idea! Let's all sing!
Gopher: But how are we going to do that, Gerby the Gerbil? We can only sing if an enchanted maiden accompanies us! And where are we going to find one of those?
Gerbil: Despite your implausibly pretentious name, you're right, Go-Go Gadget Gopher. There hasn't been an enchanted maiden around these parts in... forever!
Mouse: I miss Clara. I wish she was still around.
Gopher: Ugh! For the love of God, Michael Mouse, will you shut up about Clara? Clara's gone! She's never coming back!
Mouse: She's gone? But... why did she leave?
Rat: She didn't leave. WE left. We didn't want to, but... we were taken from her. Against our will.
Mouse: Perhaps she'll come and rescue us, Ricky Rat!
Gerbil: I fear not.
Chipmunk: (perking up) Wait! What's that I hear? (We hear something in the background that sounds vaguely like a woman singing.)
Hamster: It's Clara! She's trying to summon us!
Mouse: I knew she'd come for us!
The singing becomes louder. It takes the form of the wordless "Ahh ahh ahh ahh" singing that Ariel used in The Little Mermaid.
Gopher: Sing louder, Clara! The clearer you are, the quicker we can come find you and join you!
As the animals buzz around excitedly trying to hear the song, a faint rumbling sound begins to become apparent. The animals are disturbed.
Gerbil: What's that rumbling sound?
Rabbit: Perhaps it's a vehicle which will take us to Clara! A machine of the gods! A deus ex machina!
The rumbling gets noticeably louder, completely covering up the song.
Gopher: I don't think that's a deus ex machina, Rabbi Rabbit!
Chipmunk: It sounds more like-
At that moment, a gigantic brown boulder comes tumbling over the horizon. It is headed straight for the glade where the animals have all gathered. The animals look up, horrified.
Gopher: Help! Everybody- run!
The animals, screaming all the while, turn and begin to run away as quickly as they can. The brown boulder continues to bear down on them. The animals run past the Smurf Village, which the boulder crushes in its path along with several Smurfs. Finally, the animals hit the edge of the forest.
Squirrel: Oh no! What to do, wise gopher? There is no place left to run!
Gopher: We have no time, Squiggy Squirrel! We'll have to jump for it!
Just as the boulder is about to catch up to the animals, they all turn and jump over the edge of the precipice. Still screaming, they fall into a giant whirlpool and begin spinning around furiously. Finally, they are completely consumed by the whirlpool and vanish from sight. The brown boulder falls into the whirlpool and subsequently vanishes as well. At this point, the camera cuts to Xandir flushing the toilet. He walks out of the bathroom, still humming the Little Mermaid song. Cut to the kitchen downstairs. The women are sitting around planning something.
Toot: So everybody has a box. Some of the boxes have something good inside, but one of them... has a bomb! If the person who has the bomb can open the box without it going off, they win the prize!
Foxxy: Toot, seriously, can't you think of a better way to give out gifts at the reception?
Toot: I like taking boring old customs and making them fun! Speaking of which-
Clara: No, Toot, I will not wear a vinyl bridesmaid dress, maid of honor or not!
Toot: I just thought it would make you stand out from the crowd! Now I know you like purple. Well, I know a place where you can get that same exact dress you have on now, only in vinyl.
Clara: No!
Toot: Awwwwww! Why not?
Clara: Toot, good taste aside, if I spend the entire wedding ceremony and reception clad in leather, do you know what it's going to smell like when I finally take that stuff OFF?
Cut to the guys sitting around upstairs. Spanky is reading a magazine while Wooldoor and Hero play pool. Out of nowhere, Spanky's head explodes. Wooldoor and Hero look over at him curiously. The scene changes back to the women.
Toot: All right. Fine. This will be a leather-free wedding.
Clara: Thank you.
Toot: Although you know, maybe I should recycle this exploding box idea for Christmas. I could get the people I love really nice gifts, and the ones I only PRETEND to love... exploding box!
Clara: Is this where you make a joke about your mother?
Toot: Hey, I love my mother! I really do!
Clara: Well, that's good.
Toot: So she gets a nice gift AND an exploding box!
Clara: There it is.
Foxxy: Christmas... I'm glad you guys reminded me. I still need to figure out what I want to get Captain Hero.
Toot: Why don't you just put some wrapping paper and ribbon around your boobs?
Foxxy: I already gave him that for his birthday!
Toot: Well, what about your-
Foxxy: Are you guys seriously gonna want to see him open that one up in front of all of us? (Clara is disgusted, but Toot is excited.)
Toot: Ooh! Yes, yes, yes! (Suddenly she stops.) That kinda makes me look like a lesbo, doesn't it?
At that moment, Xandir walks in, still humming.
Xandir: Hey, guys! Has my new Star Magazine shown up yet?
Foxxy: The mail doesn't come for another hour, Xandir.
Toot (in confessional): Forget it. We're not going there this time.
Toot: And besides, Xandir, we told you that when your magazine arrived, we'd bring it to you upstairs. Now get out of here so we can plan the wedding!
Clara: Yeah, Xandir! This is girl time! No boys allowed!
Xandir: Well... (He puts his hands on his hips and raises his eyebrows.)
Foxxy: (turning to the others) He does have a point. What do you say, Toot?
Toot: Eh... I could go either way. I think I'll leave it up to my maid of honor to decide.
Xandir: So what do you say, Clara? Can I stay? (Clara thinks. Xandir looks at her pleadingly.)
Clara: Do you promise to keep your mind focused on the wedding and NOT on hot guys?
Xandir: Totally! I love this wedding stuff! Why, wedding is my middle name!
Toot: I thought your middle name was some unpronouncable elf word.
Xandir: I wish wedding was my middle name. Perhaps if it was, I could have finally gotten Fernando to settle down. (He becomes wistful.) Oh, Fernando. Why won't you run away with me? Is it because your basement is the headquarters for a lucrative gay porn enterprise?
Clara: Okay, second rule. If you want to stay, you have to promise not to talk about Fernando.
Xandir: (turning away) See ya! (He leaves. Foxxy and Toot turn to Clara.)
Foxxy: Now, Clara. Was that really necessary?
Clara: What do you mean?
Foxxy: Xandir was giving you what you wanted, Clara. He wasn't talking about gay sex or sticking stuff in his butt this time. All he wanted to do was talk about his boyfriend. Is that really so bad?
Clara: I'm sorry, Foxxy. Maybe I overreacted. I guess I should go apologize to him.
Clara turns and leaves. Toot shows a paper to Foxxy.
Toot: These are all the changes I made to Clara's wedding plans.
Foxxy: Toot, is you crazy? Why do you even want chanting Hare Krishnas as ushers?
Toot: I don't. I just like giving Clara stuff to veto. And besides, one of these days, she's going to let something slip in! Hopefully it'll be the crotchless tuxes for the groomsmen.
Foxxy: (reading the sheet) Damn, Toot! If you actually got to DO all this stuff, the video of your wedding would be rated X!
Toot: X? Damn! I was shooting for Triple X!
Foxxy: Toot... you're going to be MY maid of honor, right?
Toot: That's the plan!
Foxxy: (smiling, handing Toot the paper) Hang on to this sheet.
Toot grins and takes the paper from Foxxy. At that moment, there is a horrendous shriek from upstairs.
Toot: Goddammit, Clara! I told you to knock before you go in Xandir's room!
Clara enters the room, white as a ghost.
Clara: I saw... in the bathroom... it was... it was naked!
Foxxy: Bathrooms kind of encourage the nudity, Clara.
Clara: It was naked... and it was dead!
Toot: Dead? What the hell?
Clara: In our bathtub! You guys have to come see!
Cut to upstairs. The door to the bathroom flings open. Clara turns on the light. All of the other housemates are with her.
Toot: Again- what the hell?
Foxxy walks over to the bathtub. We see Richard Nixon lying there completely motionless.
Foxxy: It's President Nixon, you guys!
Toot: Oh, good Lord. He's STILL here?
Wooldoor: Wait a second. Richard Nixon is dead in our bathtub?
Foxxy touches Nixon on the shoulder. He stirs. Foxxy reacts with a start.
Nixon: Oh, hello, Julie. I see you've brought David and the kids.
Hero: (sticking his hand up) Dibs on David! (Spanky snaps his fingers in annoyance.)
Toot: Oh, look. He's alive. Great. Now we can enjoy his... company... some more.
Foxxy: (walking over to the sink) I just touched a dead guy. I need to wash my hands.
Spanky: He's not dead, Foxxy.
Foxxy: Well, he's still Nixon, and he's still gross.
Spanky: Pfft. You liberals are all alike.
Foxxy: Okay, guys, something's wrong with the sink. I think it's clogged.
Spanky: Yeah, it's clogged. Clogged with half-baked liberal ideology! Am I right? (Spanky and Nixon high five each other.)
Xandir: The toilet won't flush now, either! Something must be wrong with our pipes.
Foxxy: We'd better call a plumber, I guess. In the meantime- wait a minute. (She sees a piece of paper at her feet. She picks it up.) What's this? (The others gather around to look. Nixon hurriedly grabs the paper away from her.)
Nixon: Gimme that!
Foxxy: What was that paper, Mr. Nixon? It looked like a list of some sort!
Nixon: It's mine. Just forget about it.
Xandir: And why was my name on it?
Nixon coughs, then clams up. The other stare at him for a moment, then shrug and go about their business. All except Spanky walk out.
Xandir: (as he is exiting) How did I not see him when I was in here before?
The others are all gone. Spanky grasps his chin thoughtfully.
Spanky: Darn! I knew I should have stuck him in the closet!
He shrugs. Nixon begins to snore.
CUE OPENING TITLES
Cut back to the kitchen, where the women are once again congregating.
Toot: (handing Clara a piece of paper) Now, then. These are just a few suggestions for my bridal shower.
Clara: (reading the paper) Toot, "give me lots of stuff" is not a suggestion.
Toot: I'll compromise. You give in on the giving me crap, I'll give in on the banana hats.
Foxxy: Banana hats? Hang on a second. Is THAT why there's a drawing of Carmen Miranda on page 37?
Clara: Toot, this is ridiculous. Is this a wedding or a circus?
Toot: You leave the tightrope walking clowns out of this!
Clara: Toot... no. As your maid of honor, I cannot let this mockery of God's most sacredest of unions go through.
Foxxy: Prop 8?
Clara: No... Toot's ridiculously gaudy wedding plans.
Toot: It just seems to me that this is *my* wedding, *I* should be calling the shots!
Clara: Yes, Toot, and you know I want you to be happy. I just don't want you to get so carried away with putting on a big show that you forget the reason you're getting married in the first place.
Toot: To show up my parents?
Clara: Because you love Marty.
Toot: Oh, right.
Foxxy: Clara, Toot loves Marty. And I know she'd be happy to get married in a civil ceremony down at City Hall if that was what she had to do.
Jew Producer: (suddenly coming on intercom) Yes! Yes! Do it! Do it!
Toot: (yelling at intercom) Shut up!
Foxxy: But you can't really blame her. All girls like to go a little nuts with their weddings. It's a special occasion.
Clara: I didn't!
Foxxy: Would you have if you didn't think it was a quickie wedding just so Ling-Ling could stay in the country?
Clara: Point taken. (She turns to Toot.) All right, Toot. I'll try to be a little more flexible on all your wacky whims.
Toot: Thanks, Clara. And I'll try to retain SOME semblance of taste.
Clara: Thanks. But you know, I think it'll be okay to go a LITTLE wild. It'll give the wedding a unique flavor, and besides, it's not like we're paying for it!
Jew Producer: (over intercom) Oh, you guys suck!
Foxxy: I have an idea. Why don't we all take a break for a few minutes and have a drink together. Then we can get back to planning this circus/wedding.
Clara: Sounds good to me!
Toot: Woohoo! Booze time! (Toot hops over to the sink and gets out a glass. She starts to wash it out, but notices something.) Goddammit! The pipes STILL aren't fixed yet!
Clara: What on earth is taking the plumber so long?
Cut to another part of the house. Wooldoor, wearing plumber's clothes and holding a wrench, is inside a cabinet banging on the pipes.
Wooldoor: Okay... not here... (He bangs on another part of the pipe. We hear a metallic ting.) Not here... (He bangs on another part of the pipe. Another metallic ting issues forth.) Not here... (He keeps crawling along the pipes under the cabinet. He comes to a part of the pipeline which is tremendously swelled and spewing water.) Darn it! Where is that confounded clog? (He ignores the swelled section of pipe and continues crawling on down. He comes to an innocuous looking section of pipe.) Hmmm... maybe I'll just open it up and probe my way around. (He twists off part of the pipe and reaches his hand inside. He pulls out some gunk.) Ewwwww! This is gross!
With his other hand, he pulls out a jar labelled "Random crap I found in the pipes" and puts the gunk inside. He reaches back into the pipe. After a moment, he pulls out some tissues. He puts them down and reaches back in. He pulls out a French horn, then puts it down and reaches back in. He then pulls out the same leprechaun we saw in "Gay Bash". He puts the leprechaun down, then reaches back into the pipes. He pulls out a bunch of Captain Hero's assault weapons from "N.R.A.y RAY". He puts them down and reaches back into the pipes. He then pulls out an entire aquarium, complete with castles and still swimming fish. He puts the aquarium down and reaches his hand back in to root around some more. As he is doing this, the animals from the beginning of the episode hop out of the other side of the open pipe.
Chipmunk: Yay!
Gerbil: We're free! We're free!
Hamster: Let's go try to find Clara again!
Squirrel: You think maybe we should try to wash off the smell of ass first?
As the animals scamper away, Wooldoor stares at them curiously.
Wooldoor: Wait a minute... what the hell is this?
Suddenly he turns back to the pipes. He finally withdraws his amazingly overstretched arm and looks questioningly at the object in his hand. It appears to be a short, narrow object of some sort. His eyes bug out.
Wooldoor: Oh, my God!
Cut to the game room upstairs. Hero and Spanky are playing pool while Ling-Ling and Marty play rock paper scissors. Xandir is reading Star. Wooldoor bursts in frantically, similar to the way he did in "Requiem for a Reality Show".
Wooldoor: Guys, guys, guys, guys! You'll never believe what I found!
Spanky: (turning around) Naked pictures of Lindsay Lohan sexing up Angelina Jolie?
Wooldoor: No.
Spanky: Then I'm not interested. (He returns to trying to line up his pool shot.)
Wooldoor: You guys, I found something when I was digging around in the pipes. I really think you guys need to see it. (They turn to face Wooldoor. He holds up the object.) Look!
Hero and Spanky stare at the object with wide open eyes. Ling-Ling and Marty walk over to Wooldoor and proceed to do the same. Ling-Ling's jaw drops open. Xandir continues to read his magazine.
Spanky: Oh, my God! That's a pregnancy test! And it's positive! (He pauses.) Somebody in this house is pregnant!
Hero: I bet it's one of the women!
Suddenly Xandir puts down his magazine and excitedly hurries over.
Xandir: Oooh, somebody's pregnant in this house? This is so exciting! It's just like reading Star!
Spanky: (taking the test from Wooldoor) Well, I'll be damned. (He looks around at the others.) Have any of the women said anything to any of you guys about this? (The guys all shake their heads no.) Interesting...
Wooldoor: Are any of you guys trying to have a kid? (Hero and Marty shake their heads. Wooldoor looks at Ling-Ling.) What about you, Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling: Er... uh...
Ling-Ling (in confessional): Ling-Ling and Carla ARE trying to have child... but he not sure this best place to bring it up. Carla know how excited Ling-Ling be to have child... it worry him that she get pregnant and then not tell him about it. He wonder if maybe Carla start to have second thoughts. It true that Carla so pro-life she make Jesse Helms look like liberal, but then... who knows how Carla might act if she find herself in situation herself? Carla do have tendency to be hypocrite after all.
Cut to Clara in the bathroom holding the positive pregnancy test. She is motionless, but clearly in a state of panic.
Clara: Oh my God... oh my God... there is actually a baby inside me. (She looks down at her stomach.) Get out! Get out! You're not supposed to be in there! (She fearfully puts a hand to her stomach, then looks up, somewhat calmer.) Wait. If I can convince God this fetus is demon spawn, maybe I can get it written off as an exorcism! I mean, I *was* pretty evil during the third season!
Cut back to the present. Ling-Ling is still staring fearfully.
Wooldoor: Well, Ling-Ling? Are you and Clara-
Spanky: Wooldoor, don't even bother questioning Ling-Ling. I'm going to tell you right now, there is no friggin' way that baby is Clara's. No. Friggin'. Way.
Wooldoor: Well, it *could* be! (He turns to Ling-Ling.) How far have you managed to get it into Clara?
Spanky: Wooldoor, just... no.
Wooldoor: Fine. So then, that has to mean that the baby is either Foxxy or Toot's.
Cut to Captain Hero on the phone.
Hero: Hello? Abortion clinic? Has a young, hot black woman been to see you in the last few days? No? Okay. (He hangs up.) Okay, it's not Foxxy's.
Wooldoor: That means the baby is Toot's! (He hugs Marty.) Congratulations, Marty!
Marty: Um... thanks?
Spanky: You know, Hero, Foxxy may not have gone to the abortion clinic to have it done. She may have gotten it done... another way.
Hero: I'm way ahead of you. (He gets back on the phone.) Hello? Mexico? Has there been a young, hot black woman sighted within your borders recently? No? Okay. (He hangs up.) Nope, it's not Foxxy's.
Wooldoor: Or, you know, she may have just decided to... oh, I don't know. Keep it?
Hero: Right on it! (He gets back on the phone.) Hello? Child Services?
Spanky: Okay, that's enough! (He grabs the phone away from Hero and hangs it up.)
Wooldoor: You know, guys, we could just ASK the women whose it is.
Spanky: Wooldoor, are you nuts? You found that pregnancy test flushed down the toilet! Obviously, whoever this happened to is trying to keep it a secret! If you asked one of the girls if she was pregnant, she'd probably slap your face! (Suddenly, a thought pops into Hero's head. He begins to grin.) Hero, no! (Hero is disappointed.)
Wooldoor: That's why I think it's Clara's. She's probably scared to death because it's her first baby.
Spanky: No, Wooldoor. It's not Clara's. Trust me on this.
Hero: And Wooldoor, going by that same logic, it could just as easily be Toot. She's never had a baby either.
Marty: It's not Toot.
Spanky: How do you know, Marty?
Marty: Because she's on birth control right now.
Spanky: You never know. She may have stopped taking it.
Marty: That's ridiculous. Why would she stop taking it and not tell me?
Spanky: Hmm... let's see. We know that Toot is pretty insecure. Maybe she got knocked up on purpose to keep you from leaving her.
Marty: Spanky, I'm offended! I would never leave Toot!
Spanky: Have you guys had a fight lately? Has she caught you checking out another woman?
Marty: Well... we had a fight. But then we made up.
Spanky: Really? How was the makeup sex? Hot? Really hot? Egg dropping hot?
Marty: Spanky, just stop. Toot knows I love her and that's that.
Spanky: She's pretty insecure about her body. Maybe she's afraid you'll leave her for a thinner woman.
Marty: I like Toot's body the way it is.
Spanky: Or a taller one.
Marty: Spanky, I'm 5'4" myself.
Spanky: So if you dated a woman who was about 5'11" or so, your face would come up to her breasts. Hmmm...
Marty: Spanky, you need a moment to yourself?
Spanky: Nah, I'm okay. I'll just file that one in the spank bank for later. So anyway... none of you guys are actively trying to have a child?
Ling-Ling: Well... Ling-Ling kind of is.
Spanky: Nice try. (He looks at Hero and Marty.) Neither of you guys are trying for a kid?
Hero: Foxxy and I have talked about it... but we were planning to wait until after we got married. Foxxy thought it would be romantic if we tried to conceive on our honeymoon.
Marty: Toot and I have broached the subject a couple of times. The whole idea makes her kind of nervous, to be honest. She's definitely not ready to have one NOW.
Spanky: I bet it's hers, then. It's always the one who's least prepared for it.
Wooldoor: Then in that case, it's more likely to be-
Spanky: It's not Clara's! Okay? I am going to go on record right now as stating that there is absolutely, positively, NO FRIGGIN' WAY that baby is Clara's!
Wooldoor: Okay, fine. So how are we going to figure out whose it is?
Xandir: Oh! I know! (He sits back down and re-immerses himself in his magazine.)
Spanky: Xandir, how is that going to help us figure out who's pregnant?
Xandir: I bet the answer's in here, you guys! Star is always the first to report! (The guys all stare at Xandir for a moment.) They know it before the celebrities do! That's how I found out I ran off to Europe with Patrick Duffy!
Spanky: Alllllll right. Actually, I was going to suggest that we go talk to the women.
Wooldoor: But I thought we weren't going to ask them whose it was.
Spanky: We're not going to ask them straight out, Wooldoor. We'll kind of... beat around the bush a little.
Hero: Ooh! Foxxy likes that!
Spanky: We'll ask them... without really asking them. If you know what I mean.
The guys all nod.
Wooldoor: (nodding) No.
Spanky: Just follow my lead.
Spanky starts to lead the other guys out. Hero stops them.
Hero: Wait a minute! (He points back at Xandir.) How do we know it's not Xandir's? (The guys all look at Xandir.)
Xandir: It can't be mine, you guys. I got my period this morning.
The rest of the guys nod, then turn and follow Spanky out of the room. Cut to the kitchen, where the women are still discussing.
Toot: Okay, so if we have the first bridal shower on the 15th...
Foxxy: First?
Toot: Why? How many do you get? (At that moment, the men walk in.) Oh, hey, guys! Look, we already took Xandir his magazine. He didn't need to send you guys down to come get it.
Spanky: Oh, that's not why we're here, Toot.
Foxxy: Oh, goddammit, y'all! How many times do I have to tell that just because some women are alone together for an unspecified length of time, it don't mean they's gonna strip down to their underwear and start having pillow fights!
Toot: The pillow fights aren't till after we've finished drinking!
Spanky: Foxxy, we know that you girls want to be alone to plan all this wedding/bridal shower stuff out. It's just that... we miss you, that's all.
Toot: Awwww, you guys! That's so sweet!
Spanky: We just wanted to drop by and see how you guys were doing. I promise, we'll just stay a minute and then we'll be out of your hair.
Clara: Well, thank you very much, guys. We appreciate the sentiment.
Hero: (looking at some of the wedding plans) Oh, Toot. Is that your wedding dress?
Toot: Yup! The one and only!
Hero: So are you planning to let it out?
Toot: (quickly becoming irritated) What?
Hero: You know, just in case by the time the special day arrives, you might be... (he puts his hands to his waist and mimes an enlarged stomach) bigger down there.
Toot: Goddammit, I am not fat! (She slaps Hero very hard in the face.)
Hero: (turned on) Ohhhhh... yeah...
Spanky: Foxxy, do you like to travel?
Foxxy: Sure, who doesn't?
Spanky: I was wondering if maybe you were planning any quick trips in the next few days.
Foxxy: Like where?
Spanky: Oh, I don't know. The mountains... the beach... Mexico?
Foxxy: Now why on earth would I want to go to Mexico?
Toot: Ooh! I want to go to Mexico! (The guys all look at Toot eagerly.) They have the BEST tacos! (The guys return to what they were doing.)
Wooldoor: Clara, I know you're very pro-life, but do you ever question if maybe-
Spanky: It's not Clara's, Wooldoor!
Wooldoor: Oh, right.
Clara: Guys... what is going on here? Why are you suddenly asking all of us these strange questions?
Foxxy: I gots to admit, the Foxxy is kind of curious herself what y'all's up to. (The guys become nervous)
Wooldoor: Uh oh... the women are becoming suspicious... (He looks frantically to the other guys.) Abort! Abort! (Spanky grabs Wooldoor and clamps his hand over Wooldoor's mouth.)
Spanky: Bad choice of words, Wooldoor! (He lets go of Wooldoor's mouth.)
Wooldoor: Sorry!
Toot: Um, yeah, um... while we appreciate you guys dropping by, I think maybe it's time for you to leave us alone.
Clara: Yeah. It's time for us to get back to planning Toot's two bridal showers, apparently.
Toot: Two?
Spanky: Fine. We'll get out of your hair. Come on, guys. (He leads the other guys out.) Let's get back to doing men things.
Xandir: Oh, goody!
Spanky: Not those kind of things, Xandir!
Xandir: Awwwww!
Hero (in confessional): So we returned to what we were doing. Spanky and Wooldoor decided to take up Foxxy's usual gig and snoop around while the rest of us just... sweated it out.
Cut to the game room. Hero, Marty, and Ling-Ling sit on the couch nervously.
Marty: I don't get this! If Toot was pregnant, why wouldn't she just tell me?
Ling-Ling: That what Ling-Ling want to know!
Hero: Wait. Ling-Ling, you want to know why Toot didn't tell Marty she was pregnant?
Ling-Ling: He mean with respect to Carla.
Hero: Oh, right. (Hero looks down at Ling-Ling.) Ling-Ling, I don't mean any disrespect by this, but-
Ling-Ling: Baby could be Ling-Ling's! He not care what honorable pig demon say!
Hero: Well, actually I was going to say that your fur looks a little flat this morning. Did you forget to clean it?
Ling-Ling: Yeah, Ling-Ling run out of Plerr. He need to stop by store and get some more.
Spanky and Wooldoor walk in. Wooldoor is holding a large bag. Xandir walks in behind them holding his magazine.
Spanky: All right, you guys. Wooldoor and I have done some snooping around the girls' personal spaces, and we've dug up some clues that might point us in the direction of a baby. (Hero, Marty, and Ling-Ling swarm around eagerly. Spanky unzips the bag and begins to pull things out.) Now, in Foxxy's room, I found this. (He pulls out a jar and hands it to Hero.)
Hero: Why... this is Foxxy's abortion jar! And it's empty! I don't understand it! It was full just a few days ago! (Everyone is somber.) But... why would she do this? Why would she abort our child?
Marty: Oh, geez, Hero. (He walks up to Hero and puts a hand on his shoulder.) I'm sorry.
Hero: (becoming defiant) No! I refuse to believe it! Foxxy may have aborted lots of kids in the past, but there is no way she would ever abort THIS child! No way!
Spanky: No? Then what about this? (He reaches back into the bag. He pulls out a bunch of coat hangers and hands them to Hero.) This is every coat hanger in Foxxy's closet. If you count them up, you'll see there's one missing.
Marty: Wait. You know exactly how many coat hangers Foxxy has?
Spanky: Hey, everybody's gotta have a hobby!
Hero: (finishes counting the hangers) Spanky's right! There IS one missing! (He looks up at the heavens and begins shouting.) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Wooldoor: Wait. That doesn't make sense. If Foxxy PAID for an abortion... why did she still need a coat hanger?
Spanky: She probably had it done at the HMO.
Cut to the island native on his drumkit playing a sting.
Wooldoor: Wait. The HMO? What does Xandir have to do with this? (Spanky sighs in frustration.) Did Xandir knock her up? Is that why she's aborting?
Spanky: Never mind.
Marty: Wait. (to Hero) YOU know exactly how many hangers Foxxy has too? What is with you people?
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling know how many pairs of underpants Carla has!
Spanky: Big deal, so do I. (Everyone looks at Spanky.) Oh, like that's news to anyone! (They back off.) Anyway, that's not the only thing I found. I also found THIS in the medicine cabinet. (He reaches into the bag and pulls out a flat, circular plastic container. The guys look at it curiously.)
Hero: (taking the object) Why, that... that's a birth control wheel! (He examines it.) And it's empty!
Xandir: Oh, wow. Hero. I guess it IS your kid.
Hero: Don't be silly, Xandir! This isn't Foxxy's wheel! She uses the sponge!
Xandir: Well, then-
Marty: Hang on a second. (He takes the wheel from Hero and looks at it.) This is Toot's wheel! Oh, my God! Wait. Maybe it's okay. Maybe she just hasn't refilled it yet. Spanky, did you find any pills laying around?
Spanky: Nope. No pills at all!
Marty: How thoroughly did you check?
Spanky: Oh, I searched every square inch of that room! Unfortunately, I didn't find any pills. I *did* find that video you two made, though. (He looks at Hero.) I had no idea Toot was so limber!
Marty: I gotta go talk to her.
Marty rushes out of the room in a panic. The scene changes to the kitchen where the women are still talking and planning.
Toot: I say yes.
Foxxy: I say yes.
Clara: I say no!
Toot: Sorry, Clara, you're overruled! Bachelorette party's going to have a penis cake!
Clara: Can it at least look like Jesus's penis?
Toot: You know what Jesus's penis looks like?
Clara: Nobody told me it was going to be an all-nude production of Superstar, okay?
Marty rushes into the room. The other guys wait in the doorway behind him.
Marty: Toot! Toot! (He runs up to Toot and puts his hands on her shoulders.) I have to talk to you!
Toot: What is it, Marty?
Marty: Um... um... I'm going to run to the store. Do you need anything?
Spanky: Smooth!
Toot: No, thanks, Marty. I'm fine.
Marty: Seriously? You don't need anything from the store? Nothing at all? No pickles, no ice cream, no... disposable diapers?
Toot: Seriously, Marty, I'm fine. I don't need a single thing from the store.
Marty: Nothing at all?
Toot: Not a thing! (Marty breathes a huge sigh of relief. He starts to walk out. At the last moment, Toot calls to him.) Oh, but if you're going to go by the pharmacy, could you pick me up some more birth control? (He turns back with a panicked look.) I ran out, like, a month ago, and I've been too lazy to get my prescription refilled! (Marty walks up to Toot cautiously.)
Marty: You mean to tell me that you've been off birth control for an entire month?
Toot: Don't be silly, Marty! I've still been using birth control. (Marty breathes a sigh of relief.) I mean, I don't have any more pills left, but it's okay. I've been using the rhythm method!
Marty nearly faints.
Spanky: Oh, crap!
Hero: That kid is so yours!
Marty: Wait a second! (He whisks the guys toward the front door, safely out of earshot of the women.) Actually, you guys, this is good. This proves the kid ISN'T mine! If Toot was pregnant, why would she be needing more birth control?
Spanky: Maybe she's planning to abort.
Hero: Or she's already aborted.
Marty: Guys, that's silly!
Toot: (calling from the kitchen) Oh, Marty, I just happened to think of something! You're going to the store, get me some more coat hangers, okay? (Marty becomes alarmed.)
Marty: (calling back to her) But... you don't need any more coat hangers! Your clothes are all on hangers already.
Toot: I need them for something else.
Marty: What?
Toot: (angrily) Who cares? Just get some, okay?
Marty: Why?
Toot: (shouting) Don't question me, Marty, just do it!
The guys look at each other.
Hero: Wow! She's moody!
Spanky: Yeah! One might even say... hormonal!
Wooldoor: Actually, you guys, Toot is pretty much like this even when she isn't pregnant.
Spanky: Yeah, she is. (He looks at Marty. He begins patting him on the shoulder.) Boy, good luck with that marriage, Marty!
Marty gives Spanky the stink eye. He then sighs and shakes his head. He turns to walk out the front door.
Spanky: Where are you going?
Marty: (stopping) Where do you think? The store! I gotta get Toot some coat hangers, apparently. (Marty turns back toward the door and opens it.)
Ling-Ling: Get Ling-Ling some Plerr while you there!
Marty walks out the door, closing it behind him. The guys all look at each other.
(to be continued...)