Post by Raymond-Raymond on Jan 8, 2009 11:07:17 GMT -5
MALLBRATS
Part 1
The scene opens on a long shot of the house. It is winter time, and the house is decorated with Christmas lights, though they are not lit because it's morning. The scene changes to the interior, where Clara sits reading a magazine. A close-up of the cover reveals that the magazine is called "Star for Christians". Cover blurbs promise "Exclusive photos of Amy Grant's missionary retreat" and "Baby bump spotted- guess what faithfully married Christian rocker it belongs to". The doorbell rings.
Clara: (not looking up from the magazine) Somebody get that!
Delivery man: (outside the door) Package! (Clara becomes excited.)
Clara: Never mind, *I* want this one!
Clara eagerly puts down the magazine and walks over and opens the door. The UPS man from "Lost in Parking Space" stands holding a package. Clara greets him cheerfully.
Clara: Ooh! Hello, Satan! What wondrous gift have you brought us from the hoary netherworld which you inhabit?
Delivery man: (holding out his electronic tablet) Just sign for the package, please.
Clara: Whatever you say, oh evil one! (Clara takes the tablet and begins to sign her name.)
Delivery man: Look, I'm glad we were finally able to get that whole mess with you thinking I was Satan straightened out, but could you please let it drop? You don't have to keep teasing me about it.
Clara: (handing the man back the tablet) Teasing you? Why, I would never do such a thing, my most unholy prince of lies!
Delivery man: (Sighing in frustration, he hands Clara the package.) Just take the package, okay? (Clara takes the package. The delivery man turns to leave.) Merry Christmas.
Clara: (as the delivery man walks away) Merry Christmas, my dark lord! Say hi to the minions for me! (The delivery man ignores her and walks out of view. Clara cheerfully walks back inside with the package and closes the door.) You know, you would think that my pushing him into the lake of thalidomide would be punishment enough for that whole ordeal. (She thinks for a moment, then reconsiders.) Nah, Toot was right. Being childish about it is much more fun!
Clara sets the package down and walks over to the couch. Picking up her magazine, she sits down and returns to reading it. Spanky and Toot walk in. Spanky is dressed in a Santa suit.
Spanky: Hey, Clara. I'm off to work.
Clara: Off to your job as a mall Santa which you do as part of your community service requirement for that DUI you got last month, eh?
Toot: (clasping her hands together in mock excitement) Ooh! You must be the Exposition Fairy! (Clara shrugs.)
Spanky: I know it's lame, but the kids seem to like it. Speaking of which... (He turns to Clara.) Are you okay with this, Clara?
Clara: Why wouldn't I be?
Spanky: Well, given how religious you are, I thought you might be one of those types that gets offended by Santa Claus because he takes the attention away from Jesus.
Clara: Spanky, I've come to realize that as much as I'd prefer it to be otherwise, Santa Claus is a firmly entrenched part of the Christmas tradition. Although I still plan on telling MY kids that the gifts under the tree all came from Jesus!
Toot: Have I mentioned yet this year that this is one goofy holiday you Christians have going on?
Clara: Just wait till we do an Easter episode! I plan on explaining how Jesus dresses as a rabbit and hides eggs for Bible-related reasons!
Spanky: (to Toot) Would you prefer we do a Hanukkah episode instead of a Christmas episode?
Toot: (excited) Ooh! Can I sing the dreidel song?
Spanky stares at Toot for a minute, then turns back.
Spanky: Well, anyway, I'll be there all day, so if you guys decide to go out and do some more Christmas shopping, you should stop by and visit!
Clara: Thanks, Spanky, but we don't need to do any more Christmas shopping this year. I made a point of getting it all done back in November so that when the Christmas season rolled around, all of us could spend it all warm and snuggly at home instead of being out in the cold fighting the crowds. Believe me, people, there is absolutely no reason for us to go to the mall at ALL. (Foxxy walks in) So, Foxxy, tell us why we're going to have to go the mall.
Foxxy: The mall just asked me if I would come and do an in-store performace there this afternoon!
Toot: You're performing at the mall? What are you, freaking Tiffany?
Xandir: (suddenly appears downstairs) Ooh! Did somebody mention Tiffany?
Spanky: So... ANY teen idol, pretty much, Xandir?
Xandir: Hey! Tiffany is a musical legend! One of her songs was on the soundtrack of my video game!
Cut to Xandir running through a haunted forest. Fast heavy metal music plays. Xandir comes face to face with a gigantic hideous monster. The monster growls at Xandir. Xandir draws his sword and prepares to stab the beast. As he draws back, however, the heavy metal music stops, replaced by a soft piano intro. Tiffany's voice begins to sing.
Tiffany: (singing) The flowers you gave me... (Xandir begins to tear up. He drops his sword and begins singing along.)
Xandir: (singing along with Tiffany) Are just about to die... when I think about what could've been... it makes me want to cry...
The monster just stares at Xandir, confused. The chorus of the song begins. Xandir clenches his fists and begins belting the song out diva style.
Xandir: (his singing thoroughly covering up Tiffany's by this point) Could've been so beautiful, could've been so right... could've been my lover, every day of my liiiife... (The monster continues to look around, completely baffled.) Could've been so beautiful, could've been so right, I'll never hold what could've been... on a cold and lonelyyyyyyyy... NIIIIIIIIIIIIII-
In the middle of Xandir holding the last note dramatically, the monster suddenly leans in and chomps Xandir's head off. As Tiffany continues to play, Xandir's body falls to the ground. The scene changes back to the present. Hero has now entered the room.
Foxxy: It ain't gonna be Tiffany performing at the mall this time, Xandir. It's gonna be the Foxxy!
Xandir: Oh. Well, I still want to come!
Toot (in confessional): (with her arms folded) Still ain't gonna do it!
Xandir: Fernando's out of town for Christmas and I have nothing else to do! (He turns to Spanky.) Hey, maybe I could play Santa Claus, like you!
Spanky: Seriously? You're gonna let kids sit on that lap? Everyone knows where that thing's been! Although... I guess you could be my elf if you wanted.
Xandir: Yay! I'm gonna be an elf!
Spanky: Of course you are.
Hero: Foxxy, are you sure this performance thing is a good idea? I mean, there's a baby growing inside you now. You have to be careful!
Foxxy: Thanks for your concern, Hero. But it ain't gonna hurt the baby for me to get up on a stage and sing a few Christmas songs. I think it'd be good for it, actually. If the baby's exposed to a lot of music while it's in the womb, it might grow up to be a famous musician someday!
Wooldoor: Well, it's sure going to hear a lot of music in THIS house!
Cut to a scene of the housemates arguing in front of the stereo. Each of them are holding records. Foxxy holds a copy of "Stevie Wonder's Greatest Hits", Hero holds "The Best of John Williams", Clara holds Amy Grant's "Heart in Motion", Toot holds Alanis Morissette's "Jagged Little Pill", Spanky holds Huey Lewis's "Sports", Xandir holds N*Sync's "No Strings Attached", Wooldoor holds "Raffi Unplugged", and Ling-Ling holds "The Best of Puffy Amiyumi". The group is arguing so loudly that it's difficult to make out any conversation.
Spanky: (amidst all the din) I got yer Jagged Little Pill right here!
Hero: N*Sync? Mo' like N*SUCK!
Wooldoor: Bukkake?
Cut back to the present.
Wooldoor: And if we can ever stop arguing about it and actually PLAY some music, the baby will hear even more! (The others nod in agreement.)
CUE OPENING TITLES
The scene opens on a long shot of the mall. The scene then cuts to the interior where we see the housemates walking through the doors. Christmas decorations are all over the place.
Toot: And all they ever found was the severed head!
Spanky: Remind me never to eat dinner at your place, okay?
Clara: Oh, joy. We're back in the mall again. What wondrous adventures will take place in here this time?
Spanky: Well, at least we actually made it INTO the mall this time.
Wooldoor: Yeah! And now that we're here... nothing can POSSIBLY go wrong! (Spanky turns to Wooldoor in shock.)
Spanky: Wooldoor... what the hell?
Wooldoor: I wanna have a Christmas adventure, Spanky!
Spanky: You can just have one by yourself, then. I'm going to work. (Spanky turns to Xandir.) Come on, Xandir. (Xandir's eyebrows raise.)
Toot (in confessional): (reading from a dictionary) "Come. Verb. To move toward something, or to move or journey to a vicinity with a specified purpose." (She closes the book.) And THAT'S the definition of "come" we'll be using throughout this ENTIRE episode. So give it up, okay?
Spanky and Xandir begin to walk off. On their way out of the main entry area, they pass a group of Hare Krishnas.
Krishna: Spare some change for the Movement for Krishna Peace?
Spanky: Oh, I'll give you guys a piece! (He balls up his fist and prepares to strike, but Xandir stops him.)
Xandir: No, Spanky! These guys are members of a sacred organization! It's not good to hit religious people!
Spanky: But Clara's religious and we smack her around all the time!
Xandir: Good point. Go ahead, then. (Spanky draws back to punch the main Krishna.)
Krishna: Please, kind sir. All we need is a small donation to help us promote Krishna Peace!
Spanky: (suddenly stops) Ah, forget it, you're not worth it. (He and Xandir walk off, leaving the main Krishna looking after them with his hand still out. Spanky talks to Xandir as he leaves.) If those guys were so hard up for change, they could have saved money by not getting those fancy haircuts.
Xandir: Maybe they sold all their hair. I sold all MY hair once.
Spanky: I don't remember you ever being bald.
Xandir: I didn't say the hair on my HEAD. Well... not THAT head, at least. (As Spanky is grossed out, the scene changes back to the others.)
Foxxy: Anyway, it'll be a few hours before my show starts, so y'all can go look around the mall while we're getting everything set up.
Clara: A few HOURS? (Foxxy nods.) Then what was the point of us coming so early? I could have had a few extra hours to stay inside and be all snuggly and warm instead of out in the cold fighting the crowds!
Foxxy: Cause if we hadn't left when we did, there wouldn't have been a single place to park by the time we got here... except maybe a compact spot. (Clara nods.)
Clara: Speaking of which... is that Hot Topic still around, do you know?
Foxxy: Yes. But they still don't have any of the Lil' Bush characters in there. I checked.
Clara: Darn. (She turns to the others.) Okay, then, guys. How do you want to kill the next few hours?
Hero: With a BB gun.
Wooldoor: How about a machete?
Toot: I wanna slash their throats!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling not believe in killing.
Clara: I mean... never mind. You know what? They've got those big comfy chairs in the bookstore, I think I'm going to go read for a few hours. There's this one part of Leviticus I haven't read in AGES.
Wooldoor: I wanna go Christmas shopping!
Clara: No, Wooldoor. All our Christmas shopping is done. We're not going to be doing any more.
Wooldoor: But there may be some new stuff in the stores since the last time we went and we need to go find out what it is!
Clara: After Christmas, perhaps.
Wooldoor: Awwwwwww!
Foxxy: Come on, Clara, he's a kid. Kids like to go shopping! (Wooldoor nods enthusiastically.)
Clara: Okay, fine. Wooldoor can go shopping. (Wooldoor begins hopping around excitedly.) Just as long as *I* don't have to be the one to take him. (At this point, the others instantly spring into action.)
Hero: (touching his nose) Not it!
Foxxy: (touching her nose) Not it!
Toot: (touching her nose) Not it!
Ling-Ling: (touching his nose) Not it!
Wooldoor: (He suddenly stops his hopping and touches his nose.) Not it!
Clara: Oh, come on! Can't we think of a less childish way to settle these things?
Toot: You're only saying that cause you lost!
Clara: This isn't fair! Why am I always the one who has to be Wooldoor's mommy?
Wooldoor: Would you rather be my cool aunt?
Clara: Yes.
Wooldoor: Yeah, you can't pull that one off. Sorry.
Ling-Ling: You know, if Carla having second thoughts about getting pregnant, we can just adopt Sockbat.
Clara: You, me, Wooldoor our son... now won't THAT be a family portrait to make my father proud?
Ling-Ling: Eh, that family no more messed up looking than royal families with centuries of inbreeding! Just look at Charles II of Spain! (Clara and Wooldoor both look confused. Ling-Ling turns to the camera angrily.) Look up picture on Google, people! Then you find joke hilarious!
Clara: Okay, fine. Come on, Wooldoor. Let's go Christmas shopping. (Wooldoor celebrates, then falls in line behind Clara. Clara turns to Ling-Ling.) Come on, Ling-Ling. (Ling-Ling does not move.) Ling-Ling? Are you coming?
Ling-Ling: What? Does Ling-Ling calling not it not mean anything to Carla?
Clara: (sighing) Fine. I'll see you when it's time for Foxxy's performance. (Clara takes Wooldoor by the hand and leads him away.)
Hero: I'll stay and help you set up, Foxxy.
Foxxy: Why, thank you, Hero!
Hero: I mean, you're growing a baby inside you now. I have to be careful you don't hurt the baby.
Foxxy: I appreciate your concern, Hero, but it's not like I've never done this before.
Hero: That's right, you've had kids before. So tell me, Foxxy- how IS little Timmy?
Foxxy: (sighing sadly) Oh, he was doing all right, until he was walking on the beach one day and a pelican mistook him for a- I see your point.
Toot: (turning to Ling-Ling) Well, Ling-Ling, it looks like we're the only ones left!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling guess so.
Toot: So what shall we do? Go to Mexico again?
Ling-Ling: Well... okay. But no accidentally killing whores this time.
Toot: Awwwww! But that's the best part!
Ling-Ling: Actually... there new Asian restaurant that just open up. Ling-Ling kind of curious to check it out. Land whale wanna come with Ling-Ling?
Toot: (upset) What? You think that just because I'm "the fat one", it means I'll automatically jump at the chance to go to any place that has food in it?
Ling-Ling: Actually, Ling-Ling not think land whale fat at all... in fact, he think she way too skinny. He trying to fatten her up!
Toot: (smiling) Ohhhhhh... you are such a big liar! But thank you, Ling-Ling, I appreciate the sentiment. (Ling-Ling nods.) Okay, let's go. (They begin to walk off.) So do they have actual food there or is it all that goofy ass Asian stuff? I'm not saying it's a dealbreaker either way. (They walk out of sight.)
Hero: So where's the stage, Foxxy?
Foxxy: Here, I'll take you to it.
Foxxy begins to walk toward the stage, but Hero stops her.
Hero: Foxxy, are you sure you should be doing that in your condition? Walking, I mean?
Foxxy: Walking ain't gonna hurt the baby, Hero, I promise! Now just come on!
Foxxy turns and resumes walking, with Hero close behind her. Reunitee passes the two of them going in the opposite direction. She wears the same outfit she usually wears except for a brown coat. The trim of her coat brushes against Foxxy's leg. Foxxy doesn't notice, but Hero immediately turns and grabs Reunitee by the arm.
Hero: Hey! Why don't you watch where you're going?
Reunitee: Excuse me? (Foxxy stops, decidedly displeased.)
Hero: You need to be careful where you're walking, missy! There's a pregnant woman here! You might hurt the baby!
Reunitee: I never even touched her! I mean... MAYBE the trim of my coat might have brushed against her.
Hero: Aha! So you admit it!
Foxxy: Hero, just come on and stop harassing this innocent woman, okay? (She grabs Hero's arm and starts trying to lead Hero away, but he won't go.)
Hero: Okay, Foxxy. (He looks at Reunitee.) But I want your name and address, lady. If this baby's born retarded, I'm holding YOU responsible!
Foxxy: Believe me, Hero, if this baby's born retarded, I *know* who'll be responsible!
Hero: Foxxy, is this your way of telling me you've started drinking again? Because I hear that's bad for the baby.
Foxxy: Just come on. (She drags Hero away. The two arrive at the escalator.) I've got to get some equipment from the manager's office on the upper level, then we'll go to the stage together.
Hero: (stopping Foxxy) Wait! Are you sure you should be riding the escalator in your condition?
Foxxy: Hero, there is nothing that can happen on that escalator that can possibly hurt the baby.
Hero: Oh yeah? I hear if you're wearing sandals, your toes can get caught in the floor mechanism!
Foxxy: Do these look like sandals to you? (Foxxy is wearing her usual boots.)
Hero: No... but appearances can be deceiving!
Foxxy: Believe me, Hero, I'll be fine! (She starts to board the escalator, but Hero stops her.)
Hero: Wait! Before you go, just let me do one thing. (As Foxxy stands impatiently, Hero turns toward the escalator. He puts his hands together directly in front of his face and squints his eyes. He slowly pulls his hands apart until he is able to estimate the width of the escalator. Keeping his hands in the same position, he turns toward Foxxy. Still squinting, he slowly brings his hands together until they match the width of Foxxy's body. He pulls his hands apart again, returning to the width of the escalator. He then turns back to the escalator with his hands still in the same position. At this point, he fully opens his eyes again and turns back to Foxxy.) Okay, let's go!
Foxxy walks in front of Hero and boards the escalator. Hero follows right behind her. Just as they get to the top, Hero lifts Foxxy up so her feet won't touch the top of the escalator and sets her down safely off the platform. Smiling at his "rescue", he fails to notice that he himself is now at the top of the escalator. The toe of his boot catches the top of the escalator, causing him to trip. He looks up at Foxxy smiling, giving the "OK" sign. Foxxy just looks at him and shakes her head.
Cut to a small display area in another part of the mall. Spanky sits in a chair in full Santa regalia with Xandir standing right next to him dressed as his elf. Behind them is a large Christmas tree with a number of gifts underneath it. A line of children has formed.
Spanky: So do you know what to do?
Xandir: Oh, you bet, Spanky!
Spanky: It's not that hard, okay? You just need to be my elf, so... just be my elf. Okay?
Xandir: Oh, I'll be the best damn elf you could ever hope for!
Spanky: Oh, yeah, and um... you're not really supposed to curse in front of the kids, either. So don't say damn while we're on the job.
Xandir: A Drawn Together episode with no profanity in it? How will we manage?
Spanky: Don't worry, the other stories will make up for it. (At this point, a small beep is heard.) All right, Xandir. It's ten o'clock. Time to begin. Bring the first kid over to me.
Xandir leads a young boy over to Spanky. The child sits down on Spanky's lap.
Spanky: Ho ho ho!
Xandir: Hey!
Spanky: Not you, Xandir, it's just something I say.
Xandir: Oh.
Spanky: What's your name, little boy?
Boy: Bronx Mowgli!
Spanky: Yeah, for Christmas, I'm gonna bring you a better name.
Boy: Yayyyyy!
Spanky: So what else do you want for Christmas, child?
Boy: I want for mommy for stop doing heroin.
Xandir: (looking around under the tree) I'm pretty sure we don't have THAT under the tree! Oh, wait, maybe we do! (He holds up a box, then becomes disappointed.) Never mind, it's just a train set.
Boy: My big brother told me to say that to you. He said you'd think it was hilarious.
Spanky: Well, your big brother was right. That IS pretty frickin' hilarious.
Boy: So what's heroin, Santa?
Spanky: Um... er... Xandir?
Xandir: Heroin is the name for a female superhero! It's the feminine version of hero.
Boy: Ohhhhhh. (Spanky smiles at Xandir appreciatively.) So if mommy's doing heroin, does that mean she's a lesbian?
Spanky: Yup, kid. Your mommy's a lesbian. Maybe her Christmas present to your dad can be letting him watch!
Boy: That sounds great, Santa!
Spanky: So what else do you want, Billy?
Boy: Actually, my name is-
Spanky: Sorry, kid, but I *refuse* to say that name. Anyway, what did you want?
Boy: I want an official Red Ryder BB gun!
Spanky: Yeah, kid, um... we don't really do movie parodies in this series. Pick something else.
Boy: And a Nintendo Wii!
Spanky: Perfect! All right, we're done now, Billy. Get off Santa's lap. (The child gets off.) Merry Christmas!
Xandir: Abendi comprenduwe! (Spanky turns to Xandir, giving him the stink eye.)
Spanky: Xandir... what the hell was that?
Xandir: Oh. That was "Merry Christmas" in Elvish! (Spanky stares at Xandir in disbelief.) You told me to be an elf, so I'm being an elf!
Spanky: Just bring the next kid to me, okay? (Xandir leads a young girl over to Spanky. She gets up on his lap.) So what's your name, little girl?
Girl: Apple!
Spanky: I'm just going to stop asking. So what do you want for Christmas, Debbie?
Girl: A new dolly!
Xandir: Ooh! We have one of those! (Xandir pulls a doll-like figure out of his pocket and hands it to the girl. It is a bunch of sticks bundled together coated with dried mud. It has a small piece of cloth at the top resembling a pointed hat, and two tiny red buttons for eyes. Spanky looks at Xandir.)
Spanky: What the hell is that?
Xandir: That's a traditional elf doll! I made it before we came in here with stuff I found in the parking lot!
Girl: What's its name?
Xandir: Frodadriel.
Spanky: I need some Benadryl. I think I can feel myself getting sick.
Xandir: Oh, I have just the thing for you! (Xandir reaches into the pocket of his elf costume and pulls out a small jar, which he hands to Spanky. Spanky looks at the jar thoroughly grossed out.) It's an ancient elven cold remedy made up of bat wings, Tylenol, and rat poop!
Spanky: (handing the jar back to Xandir) Never mind, I think I'd rather be sick.
Xandir: Oh, wait. I forgot to say the ancient elf incantation which gives it its secret power! (He begins chanting.) Namisde... peridee... ochristmasde... (He holds the jar up to the sky.) Oh mighty elf gods, please shine your wisdom on this potion so that it may cure the cough of the great pig beast!
Girl: I thought elves just made toys! My mommy and daddy never told me about THIS part of the Christmas legend!
Spanky: Well, we all gotta grow up sometime, kid! (Spanky takes out a flask and takes a quick nip from it.)
Cut to the toy store. The place is filled with excited kids looking around at things. A few toys have been set up near the front of the store for kids to play with. Wooldoor enters pulling Clara by the hand.
Wooldoor: Clara! Clara! Come on come on come on come on come on come on come on!
Clara: Wooldoor, how can I do anything BUT come on when you're dragging me by the hand?
Wooldoor: (notices two kids playing) Ooh! Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots! (Wooldoor runs up to the two kids and shoves one out of the way.)
First kid: Hey!
Wooldoor: You were going to lose anyway. (Wooldoor glares at the other kid.) All right, punk. Looks like it's down to just you and me!
Second kid: Actually, I was getting bored with this game. I think I'll go to Hot Topic and expand my mind. (He gets up and leaves.)
Wooldoor: No! Don't go! If you leave, who will I have to play against?
First kid: (getting up) I'll play you!
Wooldoor: Thanks, kid. But I need someone who'll actually challenge me! Oh! I know! (He grabs Clara's hand again and pulls her toward him.) Clara! Why don't you play me?
First kid: (to Wooldoor, while looking up at Clara) Whoa, dude! Your mom is hot! (Wooldoor smiles. The kid turns to Wooldoor.) How did YOU get so weird looking?
Wooldoor: She drank while she was pregnant with me.
First kid: Ohhhhhh. Okay. (He looks up at Clara.) You're really not supposed to drink, lady.
Clara: Kid, if you lived with the crowd I live with, you'd be a raging alcoholic too! (Clara suddenly has a weird reaction.) Was this story originally written for Toot or something? That sounds like a Toot line.
First kid: Never mind. This is dumb. I think I'll go play with the teddy bears.
Wooldoor: Hmm... teddy bears! (Wooldoor dashes out of the camera's view for a moment, then comes right back holding a large stuffed bear. He sets the bear down next to the other robot and begins to play.) Okay... go!
Wooldoor begins furiously mashing the controls of his robot. As the other robot remains completely motionless, Wooldoor's robot keeps punching and punching it, but nothing happens. Finally, Clara, tapping her foot, accidentally kicks the bear. It falls face forward and lands on the control pad. The robot proceeds to hit Wooldoor's robot with a knockout blow, signified by the head of Wooldoor's robot popping straight up in the air.
Wooldoor: Awwwwwwww! I lost! (He looks down and cries for a moment. Clara stares in confusion, not knowing what to do. Wooldoor's tears quickly dry up. He walks over to the bear and shakes its hand.) Well met, my honorable opponent. I see I underestimated you. Well played. (He turns to Clara.) Can we get some Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots for Christmas, Clara?
Clara: Sure... I suppose so.
Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee! (Suddenly becoming stern, he looks directly at the bear.) But YOU can't play!
Clara: (grabbing the teddy bear) Wooldoor, let's just put the bear back where he belongs and start acting like a big boy, okay? (Clara starts to take the bear back to the store shelf from whence he came, but the cashier stops her.)
Cashier: Actually, we'd rather you just left the bear where he was.
Clara: Excuse me?
Cashier: We kinda like it when toys get scattered around. It makes the place seem like less of a corporate-run business and more like a Grandma's Workshop type of place. And besides, putting the teddy bear in front of the robots like that... it makes it seem like our toys are so cool that even the other toys want to play with them!
Wooldoor: Well, in that case... (Wooldoor grabs the bear away from Clara, sets it back down in front of the robot, and then dashes off.)
Clara: Oh, crap, what's he going to do now?
Wooldoor returns, his arms full to overflowing with all the stuffed animals he can carry. At the controls of the other robot, he places a Tickle Me Elmo doll.
Clara: Oh, how cute. The teddy bear is playing Rock' Em Sock 'Em Robots against Tickle Me Elmo!
Wooldoor: I'm not done!
Wooldoor sets the stuffed animals down, then uses Lincoln Logs to fence off the area around the competitors. He arranges the rest of the stuffed animals around the fence. He opens some packages of play money, then tapes it into the hands of many of the spectators, and then affixes their arms in a lifted-up position so it appears that they are waving money. He pushes a button on a Teddy Ruxpin doll.
Teddy Ruxpin: (holding money) Kill him! Clobber him! Punch him in the gut! (Wooldoor pushes the button on a Furby.)
Furby: Don't let me down, you bastard, I got 50 G's riding on you!
Wooldoor: (to Clara) I programmed them to say those things.
Clara: You don't say.
Wooldoor affixes a Magna Doodle to the wall, then tapes a Kermit the Frog doll in such a position as to make it appear he is writing on it. Upon getting a good look at the board, we see that written on it is tons of bookmaking odds.
Wooldoor: Now, then. Have I left anything out?
Clara: Making half of them stinking drunk?
Wooldoor: Good idea!
Wooldoor rushes off again and comes back with some soda bottles. He draws X's through the soda brand names and writes underneath "Hooch". He then tapes the bottles to several characters' hands and positions them so that it appears they are staggering.
First kid: You should have realized he was going to take you literally, lady.
Clara: I know, I really don't think these things through.
Wooldoor lies a Curious George doll face first on the floor with one of its hands holding a bottle, then slides a novelty toy of fake vomit underneath its face.
Wooldoor: There! Now I think the picture is complete!
Clara: Wait, Wooldoor, I think you forgot something! (Wooldoor looks at Clara. Clara reaches into a tub next to the counter and pulls out a pocket size pig toy. She takes the toy and stuffs it under the dress of a Miss Piggy doll, which is also holding a bottle.) I told Miss Piggy she wasn't supposed to drink while she was pregnant! (Clara's look suddenly turns into a mixture of confusion and irritation.) Okay, now I know THAT was a Toot line! Seriously, people, what the hell?
Cut to an exterior shot of the restaurant, which is called "Dead Man Wok King". A sign in the window reads "Today's special, Soylent Green Soup, $6.95". The scene changes to Toot and Ling-Ling in the restaurant.
Toot: (very irritated) And suddenly they're giving my lines to Clara! I mean, what the hell? (She looks at Ling-Ling.) But you don't care, do you? As far as you're concerned, the more screen time Clara gets, the better, right, Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling: Would land whale believe Ling-Ling if he said no?
Toot: No?
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling not care how much screen time Carla gets. Some weeks... he even hope she get as little as possible.
Toot: Oh, the ones where they're making her act all evil and such, right? (Ling-Ling nods.) I know what you mean. I don't know what it is about that show... sometimes it seems like those writers care more about stories than about us as individuals. You know what I mean?
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling know exactly what land whale mean.
Toot: But that's okay. We know how things REALLY are! Don't we, Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling: We sure do!
Toot: I'm sorry, Ling-Ling. I don't mean for it to sound like I'm making fun of Clara. I love Clara, really. Not in THAT way, though.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling know what way you mean.
Toot: Ling-Ling, is this weird? I mean... you're my best friend's husband and I'm having lunch with you.
Ling-Ling: So? It not like Ling-Ling and land whale on date or anything. They friends.
Toot: Awwww really?
Ling-Ling: And they have friendship that goes back long way before Ling-Ling ever get together with Carla!
Toot: Yeah, they do! I mean- we do. (She thinks for a moment.) They- we... you talk funny, Ling-Ling, you know that?
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling guess so.
Toot: But you mean that, Ling-Ling? You really think of us as friends?
Ling-Ling: Of course Ling-Ling do! He admit that he and land whale not always get along, but that part of living in same house together all these years!
Toot: Yeah... along those lines, Ling-Ling... I'm sorry I married your dad for his money that one time.
Ling-Ling: That okay. Ling-Ling sorry he ruin land whale's cockfighting scam.
Toot: And I'm sorry I accidentally swallowed you when I was struggling with bulimia.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling sorry he kill and eat land whale in first episode.
Toot: The first episode... that's right. So tell me, Ling-Ling. Right before I went into the bedroom that day, I saw Clara walking out. What was going on between you two? (Toot leans over to Ling-Ling and grins.) Were you gonna put the moooooves on her?
Ling-Ling: (beginning to blush) Well...
Toot: Ling-Ling! Are you blushing? (Ling-Ling tries to hide his reaction, but it is no use.) Why, Ling-Ling, you are blushing! Awwwww, Ling-Ling. You were in love with the princess right from the beginning, weren't you?
Ling-Ling: Well... not really. Well, maybe. On some level. Ling-Ling not understand what he feel then.
Toot: It's okay, Ling-Ling. I understand. In fact... I guess I might as well let you in on a little secret. You know who *I* had a crush on when we first moved in together?
Ling-Ling: Xandir.
Toot: (genuinely shocked) What? You knew? How did you know? I thought I hid it so well! (Ling-Ling looks at her skeptically.) You're right, who was I kidding? What's sad is that finding out he was gay didn't even come CLOSE to killing my crush! God... how pathetic was I?
Ling-Ling: Don't blame yourself, Toot. We not help how we feel. Even when we know it wrong. Ling-Ling keep telling himself not to fall in love with Carla... it never have a chance of working out in a million years.
Toot: But your situation is different, Ling-Ling. You eventually GOT Carla. I mean, Clara. Even if it seemed unlikely, you still at least had a technical shot at having it happen. With Xandir... somehow even knowing that it positively would never ever happen didn't stop me from wanting him.
Ling-Ling: Toot seem sad... Ling-Ling hope this not mean she still have lingering feelings for Xandir.
Toot: Lingering feelings for Xandir? No way! No, Ling-Ling, I definitely don't want Xandir anymore. If I'm sad, it's because of all the time and tears I wasted crying over him. No, believe me, Ling-Ling, Xandir and me was one relationship that didn't need to EVER happen. It's just that, well... sometimes it just hurts a little bit to be reminded of a time in my life when I was so pathetic. You know?
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling know.
Toot: I don't get this. Why am I being so depressing all of a sudden? I need to get back to being my cute, feisty self who doesn't take crap from anyone!
Ling-Ling: Seems like land whale suffering from holiday depression.
Toot: But that's ridiculous! I've finally solved my alcoholism and my self-esteem problems, and I'm about to get married to a wonderful guy who loves me for who I am! And besides, I'm Jewish, I don't even celebrate this crappy holiday!
Ling-Ling: You do celebrate Hanukkah, though.
Toot: Eh. Hanukkah doesn't really count as a holiday. (Ling-Ling looks shocked. Toot points at him.) Hey, I'm Jewish! I'm allowed to say it!
Ling-Ling cracks a smile and chuckles. Toot's facade breaks. A big smile forms on her face as she finds herself chuckling too. She straightens up and picks up a menu.
Toot: Okay, I think we're ready to order now.
The camera pulls out to reveal a waiter slumped in a chair at an adjacent table to them, thoroughly bored to death. He has apparently been there throughout the entire conversation.
Waiter: Finally!
Cut to the stage. Foxxy sits in a chair looking at various pieces of sheet music while Hero examines the staging area.
Hero: (looking at two huge speakers at the back of the stage) The sound waves emitted by those speakers could harm the fetus! (Hero squints and uses his hands to estimate Foxxy's height, then rushes back to the speakers. He angles them in such a way that they will be facing away from Foxxy's body when she performs.) There now! Back to childproofing the stage! (He returns to putting no-skid pads all around the area of the stage where Foxxy will be walking.) Wait a minute! (He knocks on the floor of the stage.) This sounds hollow! It could cave in and collapse and take Foxxy and the baby with it! (He flies off somewhere. He returns a few moments later with several cinder blocks in one hand and a giant beanbag chair in the other. He flies out of view. We hear a sound under the stage of something being constructed. Hero then reappears minus his supplies.) There, now! This stage is fully supported!
A brief shot is shown of the area underneath the stage. All of the cinder blocks have been used to construct extra pillars to provide extra support. The beanbag chair is placed directly underneath the part of the stage where Foxxy would stand.
Hero: There, now! Foxxy and the baby will be completely- (Hero suddenly looks up.) Oh, my God! That lighting fixture up in the ceiling! It could fall on her! I'd better do something about that! Activate the Hero-rang!
Hero takes out a boomerang in the shape of a bat, but with the Hero logo on it. He flings the Hero-rang up toward the light fixture and uses the rope attached to it to secure the light fixture firmly in place. As Hero stands beaming at his triumph, Batman walks up behind him.
Batman: You totally stole that from me.
Hero: Oh, yeah? Well, at least I have SUPER POWERS! Oh, yeah! That's right, I went there! (He points at Batman derisively.) Burn!
Batman: You are such a douche.
Hero: Oh yeah? Well, you're an emo crybaby! Besides, isn't it about time for you to spank Robin again?
Robin: (walking onto the scene) He's right, Batman. It is.
Batman: (pointing toward the parking lot) Wait in the Batmobile!
Robin trudges off sadly. After a moment, Batman follows him. Foxxy gets up and walks over to Hero.
Foxxy: All right, Hero. I think I'm ready to start rehearsing now.
Hero: Excellent! Well, you just get up there and sing your little heart out!
Foxxy walks up to the microphone. Music begins to play. However, just as Foxxy is about to start singing, Hero stops the show again.
Foxxy: Oh, what now?
Hero: It just occurred to me that being on your feet for more than twenty minutes at a time might put undue stress on your womb area. For the sake of our child's health, I need to make sure that you're as comfortable as you can be for your performance!
Foxxy: And just how do you intend to do that?
Hero smiles, then flies off. He returns seconds later holding a fancy leather chair.
Hero: Ta da!
Foxxy: Now, Hero, just where in the hell did you find that thing?
Cut to the Santa display. Spanky walks out to find an empty spot.
Spanky: Huh? Where the hell'd my chair go?
Xandir walks onto the scene. He is holding a long, narrow popsicle in one hand and a corn dog in the other.
Xandir: Okay, I'm back from my break! We ready to make some more kids' wishes come true?
Spanky: Xandir, my chair is gone.
Xandir: Oh. Well, that's too bad. Hey, maybe I can bend over and you can sit on my ass!
Spanky: I'm pretty sure that would be violating some kind of public decency law, but thanks for the offer.
Xandir: Oh! I know! (Xandir dashes off and quickly returns holding a very strange looking item.) Ta da!
Spanky: Xandir, what the hell is that?
Xandir: Oh, I took some tree bark and some hardened sod and then I melted down some of the candles they have in the candle shop to coat it with and then I tied it all together using the candle wicks to make you this stool! (He hands the stool to an astounded Spanky.) This is what the elves of yore used to sit on!
Spanky: Fine. I don't really care. I just want to get this day over with. (Spanky sets the stool on the floor and sits down on it.) Okay, Xandir. Bring over the next kid. (Xandir brings over another small boy.) And what's your name, little boy? (The boy starts to answer, but Spanky stops him.) Never mind, I'm just going to call you Bobby. So what do you want for Christmas, Bobby? (Bobby starts crying.) Bobby?
Bobby: (tearfully) I want my mommy to come back! (Spanky sighs.)
Spanky: Where did your mommy go, Bobby?
Bobby: (still crying) Heaven! (Spanky's mouth is wide open. He looks around, completely unsure as to what to say.)
Spanky: Um... um... Look, Bobby. Heaven is a pretty nice place, at least according to most theological interpretations of it. I'm sure your mommy is happier there than she could ever be here on earth. Don't you want your mommy to be happy?
Bobby: But I need her! I'm only six years old, Santa. If I don't have a strong maternal figure in my life growing up, I could turn out to be a dangerous sociopath, or at the very least, some kind of junkie! (Bobby breaks down in tears again. While Spanky is still stuck for something to say, Xandir walks over to the child.)
Xandir: There, there, little Bobby. I think I know how we can bring your mommy back!
Bobby: You do?
Xandir: I used to hear from my elven ancestors that their friends the hobbits had a magical ritual that could bring the spirits of their fallen warriors back to life! (Spanky frowns again.)
Bobby: Really?
Xandir: Oh, yeah! What you have to do is, sprinkle some tree ashes on your mother's grave at least once a week while you chant her name seventeen times in succession. Then spread some honey on the grave to feed her lost soul, and her spirit will be with you always!
Bobby: Thanks, Santa's elf! I can feel her spirit in me already!
Xandir: Don't mention it!
Bobby gets up and starts to run off, but then stops.
Bobby: Oh, and Santa?
Spanky: What?
Bobby: I'd also like a Nintendo Wii, if that's possible.
Spanky: Sure, kid, whatever. (Bobby runs off giddily. Spanky turns to Xandir.) Xandir... what the HELL was that crap you just pulled?
Xandir: Spanky, I thought you said we weren't supposed to curse in front of the children?
Spanky: Forget what I said, okay? I can curse if I want! I'm the goddamn Santa Claus!
Xandir: Fair enough.
Spanky: Now what's the deal with you telling that kid he can bring his mother back to life? Huh? What happens when he actually tries all that crap and it doesn't work, huh? He'll be heartbroken!
Xandir: To be fair, I didn't actually say that stuff would bring his mom back to life. I just said that her spirit would be with him. And it will! It probably is already, this ritual will just help him to realize that. Ancient elven folklore teaches us that when one's body passes on and the spirit ascends to the sky-
Spanky: And that's another thing! Since when are you so big on ancient elven folklore and all that stuff?
Xandir: Well, Spanky, you told me to be an elf, so I'm being an elf!
Spanky: But you're taking it way too far! Even elves aren't this... elvy!
Xandir: I'm just drawing on my own heritage, Spanky. In case you've forgotten, I myself am an elf! I have forged through the forests and burrowed through the trees... I have traveled the hills and the dales and dwelt in the hobbit holes-
Spanky: Xandir, you're from Hershey, Pennsylvania!
Xandir: They have hobbit holes in Hershey, Pennsylvania!
Spanky: Do they? In that case, you can jolly well go BACK to them, then!
Xandir: Spanky, what are you saying?
Spanky: I'm saying I don't want you to be my elf anymore. You're fired.
Xandir looks at Spanky for a moment in disbelief. His face becomes twisted up. Xandir covers his face with his hands and runs away crying. Spanky looks down and sighs in frustration, then looks back up.
Spanky: Okay, who's next? (He gestures to the child at the front of the line.) Sorry, you'll have to come to Santa by yourself. (A little girl walks over and sits on Spanky's lap.)
Brooklyn: My name is Brooklyn!
Spanky: I didn't even ask! (He sighs.) So what do you want for Christmas, Brooklyn?
Brooklyn: Where'd the elf go?
Spanky: He had to go do an important elf thing.
Brooklyn: What did he have to do?
Spanky: Oh, I don't know. Whatever it is elves do. He had to go... save a magic ring or something.
Brooklyn: Oh.
Spanky: So what do you want for Christmas, Staten Island?
Brooklyn: Brooklyn.
Spanky: Right.
Brooklyn: When's the elf coming back?
Spanky: Kid, why do you care about the elf?
Brooklyn: The elf is cool! I want the elf to come back!
Spanky: The elf is busy, okay? Now tell Santa what you want for Christmas!
Brooklyn: No! Not till the elf comes back!
Spanky: This is unreal. Okay, Manhattan.
Brooklyn: Brooklyn!
Spanky: Brooklyn. Just wait off to the side there. My shift ends in two more hours. When it's over, I'll take you to visit the elf.
Brooklyn: Yayyyyyy! (She gets off Spanky's lap and goes over to the side. The next child, a boy, walks over and sits on Spanky's lap.)
Spanky: And what do you want for Christmas, Joey?
Boy: Where'd the elf go?
Spanky sighs in deep, deep frustration. Cut back to the toy store. Children are now standing around eagerly playing with all the toys that Wooldoor set up. Two children have crossed over the "fence" and are now playing Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots, albeit without moving the stuffed animals from behind the controls. Clara looks around in confusion.
Clara: Okay, now where did Wooldoor go THIS time? (Clara looks around the toy store, but cannot find a trace of him. She walks up to the cashier.) Excuse me. Did you see the... um... child... I was chaperoning? (The cashier looks confused.) You remember him... short, yellow... kinda looks like a talking banana?
Cashier: Oh, yeah! He's right behind you!
Clara eagerly turns around. She is greeted by the sight of the talking banana from "Freaks & Greeks".
Banana: Were you looking for me?
Clara: No, I'm sorry. I was looking for someone else. (The banana turns and walks away sadly. At that moment, Clara hears a familiar voice ringing out.)
Wooldoor: (from offscreen) Clara! Clara, come quick!
Clara rushes off in the direction of the voice. She finds Wooldoor in the corner of the toy store. He has assembled a gigantic jigsaw puzzle showing an image of a giant robot being attacked by an army of poo-flinging monkeys.
Wooldoor: Look at the pretty picture I made, Clara!
Clara: Why, Wooldoor, that's... something, all right. (She looks at the picture curiously.) Did you seriously put this puzzle together by yourself?
Wooldoor: I sure did! I'm a master at jigsaws! Why is that so surprising to you?
Clara: Well, for one thing, this particular image doesn't strike me as something they'd be likely to make a jigsaw of!
Wooldoor: Oh, that? It isn't. I opened up every jigsaw puzzle in the store and combined pieces from all them to make this grand tapestry! Look! Isn't it beautiful? (Clara sees another completed puzzle off to the side.)
Clara: And this puzzle here... did you use the leftover pieces to make a puzzle of... your penis?
Wooldoor: No, they actually sell that one.
Clara: (grabbing Wooldoor by the hand) That's it. I'm taking you out of here.
Wooldoor: But Clara! I was just starting to have fun!
Clara: Wooldoor, your brand of fun is tiring me out! Look. We still have two hours left before Foxxy's performance. We can do some more Christmas shopping later on. But if it's okay with you, I'd just like to go somewhere and relax for a while. I know. Why don't we go to the bookstore now? I'm sure you can find a nice book there that you can just sit and read quietly.
Cut to the bookstore. Clara sits patiently trying to read the Bible, but is clutching her brow in frustration. Wooldoor is still dashing around everywhere. He first goes to the comic book section, takes them off the rack one at a time, flips through them, and tosses them aside. He runs to the magazines and begins pulling them off the rack one by one. He flips through each one looking for an article of interest, and upon failing to find one, casts it aside on the floor. Clara sighs and gets out of her chair and walks over to the magazine rack. She patiently picks up the magazines Wooldoor discards and carefully places them back on the rack. Wooldoor runs off to the coloring books and grabs a stack of them off the shelves. He then runs to the children's section, grabs a large 64-pack of crayons, and tears it open. He quickly opens each of the coloring books, colors a little bit, then tosses the book aside. Clara sighs and walks over to the children's section and attempts to calmly pick up the books as Wooldoor tosses them aside. Wooldoor then rushes back into the main section of the store. Spotting a ladder, he climbs up it and begins grabbing books off the shelves, quickly glancing at the covers and then tossing them to the floor. Clara runs back over to where Wooldoor is and begins picking up the books he tosses down. Finally, Wooldoor pulls out one very thick book and looks at the cover. He opens it and begins to read. It appears that he has finally found something that will hold his attention.
Clara: (breathing a sigh of relief) Oh, thank God!
After a moment, Wooldoor closes the book.
Wooldoor: This book is boring!
He tosses the book from the ladder. It hits Clara square in the face. She immediately covers her face in pain. Wooldoor gets down off the ladder.
Wooldoor: You were right, Clara! The bookstore IS fun!
Clara stares for a moment and takes a deep breath. She then grabs Wooldoor by the hand and begins dragging him out of the bookstore.
Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeeeeee! Wait. Where are we going?
(to be continued...)
Part 1
The scene opens on a long shot of the house. It is winter time, and the house is decorated with Christmas lights, though they are not lit because it's morning. The scene changes to the interior, where Clara sits reading a magazine. A close-up of the cover reveals that the magazine is called "Star for Christians". Cover blurbs promise "Exclusive photos of Amy Grant's missionary retreat" and "Baby bump spotted- guess what faithfully married Christian rocker it belongs to". The doorbell rings.
Clara: (not looking up from the magazine) Somebody get that!
Delivery man: (outside the door) Package! (Clara becomes excited.)
Clara: Never mind, *I* want this one!
Clara eagerly puts down the magazine and walks over and opens the door. The UPS man from "Lost in Parking Space" stands holding a package. Clara greets him cheerfully.
Clara: Ooh! Hello, Satan! What wondrous gift have you brought us from the hoary netherworld which you inhabit?
Delivery man: (holding out his electronic tablet) Just sign for the package, please.
Clara: Whatever you say, oh evil one! (Clara takes the tablet and begins to sign her name.)
Delivery man: Look, I'm glad we were finally able to get that whole mess with you thinking I was Satan straightened out, but could you please let it drop? You don't have to keep teasing me about it.
Clara: (handing the man back the tablet) Teasing you? Why, I would never do such a thing, my most unholy prince of lies!
Delivery man: (Sighing in frustration, he hands Clara the package.) Just take the package, okay? (Clara takes the package. The delivery man turns to leave.) Merry Christmas.
Clara: (as the delivery man walks away) Merry Christmas, my dark lord! Say hi to the minions for me! (The delivery man ignores her and walks out of view. Clara cheerfully walks back inside with the package and closes the door.) You know, you would think that my pushing him into the lake of thalidomide would be punishment enough for that whole ordeal. (She thinks for a moment, then reconsiders.) Nah, Toot was right. Being childish about it is much more fun!
Clara sets the package down and walks over to the couch. Picking up her magazine, she sits down and returns to reading it. Spanky and Toot walk in. Spanky is dressed in a Santa suit.
Spanky: Hey, Clara. I'm off to work.
Clara: Off to your job as a mall Santa which you do as part of your community service requirement for that DUI you got last month, eh?
Toot: (clasping her hands together in mock excitement) Ooh! You must be the Exposition Fairy! (Clara shrugs.)
Spanky: I know it's lame, but the kids seem to like it. Speaking of which... (He turns to Clara.) Are you okay with this, Clara?
Clara: Why wouldn't I be?
Spanky: Well, given how religious you are, I thought you might be one of those types that gets offended by Santa Claus because he takes the attention away from Jesus.
Clara: Spanky, I've come to realize that as much as I'd prefer it to be otherwise, Santa Claus is a firmly entrenched part of the Christmas tradition. Although I still plan on telling MY kids that the gifts under the tree all came from Jesus!
Toot: Have I mentioned yet this year that this is one goofy holiday you Christians have going on?
Clara: Just wait till we do an Easter episode! I plan on explaining how Jesus dresses as a rabbit and hides eggs for Bible-related reasons!
Spanky: (to Toot) Would you prefer we do a Hanukkah episode instead of a Christmas episode?
Toot: (excited) Ooh! Can I sing the dreidel song?
Spanky stares at Toot for a minute, then turns back.
Spanky: Well, anyway, I'll be there all day, so if you guys decide to go out and do some more Christmas shopping, you should stop by and visit!
Clara: Thanks, Spanky, but we don't need to do any more Christmas shopping this year. I made a point of getting it all done back in November so that when the Christmas season rolled around, all of us could spend it all warm and snuggly at home instead of being out in the cold fighting the crowds. Believe me, people, there is absolutely no reason for us to go to the mall at ALL. (Foxxy walks in) So, Foxxy, tell us why we're going to have to go the mall.
Foxxy: The mall just asked me if I would come and do an in-store performace there this afternoon!
Toot: You're performing at the mall? What are you, freaking Tiffany?
Xandir: (suddenly appears downstairs) Ooh! Did somebody mention Tiffany?
Spanky: So... ANY teen idol, pretty much, Xandir?
Xandir: Hey! Tiffany is a musical legend! One of her songs was on the soundtrack of my video game!
Cut to Xandir running through a haunted forest. Fast heavy metal music plays. Xandir comes face to face with a gigantic hideous monster. The monster growls at Xandir. Xandir draws his sword and prepares to stab the beast. As he draws back, however, the heavy metal music stops, replaced by a soft piano intro. Tiffany's voice begins to sing.
Tiffany: (singing) The flowers you gave me... (Xandir begins to tear up. He drops his sword and begins singing along.)
Xandir: (singing along with Tiffany) Are just about to die... when I think about what could've been... it makes me want to cry...
The monster just stares at Xandir, confused. The chorus of the song begins. Xandir clenches his fists and begins belting the song out diva style.
Xandir: (his singing thoroughly covering up Tiffany's by this point) Could've been so beautiful, could've been so right... could've been my lover, every day of my liiiife... (The monster continues to look around, completely baffled.) Could've been so beautiful, could've been so right, I'll never hold what could've been... on a cold and lonelyyyyyyyy... NIIIIIIIIIIIIII-
In the middle of Xandir holding the last note dramatically, the monster suddenly leans in and chomps Xandir's head off. As Tiffany continues to play, Xandir's body falls to the ground. The scene changes back to the present. Hero has now entered the room.
Foxxy: It ain't gonna be Tiffany performing at the mall this time, Xandir. It's gonna be the Foxxy!
Xandir: Oh. Well, I still want to come!
Toot (in confessional): (with her arms folded) Still ain't gonna do it!
Xandir: Fernando's out of town for Christmas and I have nothing else to do! (He turns to Spanky.) Hey, maybe I could play Santa Claus, like you!
Spanky: Seriously? You're gonna let kids sit on that lap? Everyone knows where that thing's been! Although... I guess you could be my elf if you wanted.
Xandir: Yay! I'm gonna be an elf!
Spanky: Of course you are.
Hero: Foxxy, are you sure this performance thing is a good idea? I mean, there's a baby growing inside you now. You have to be careful!
Foxxy: Thanks for your concern, Hero. But it ain't gonna hurt the baby for me to get up on a stage and sing a few Christmas songs. I think it'd be good for it, actually. If the baby's exposed to a lot of music while it's in the womb, it might grow up to be a famous musician someday!
Wooldoor: Well, it's sure going to hear a lot of music in THIS house!
Cut to a scene of the housemates arguing in front of the stereo. Each of them are holding records. Foxxy holds a copy of "Stevie Wonder's Greatest Hits", Hero holds "The Best of John Williams", Clara holds Amy Grant's "Heart in Motion", Toot holds Alanis Morissette's "Jagged Little Pill", Spanky holds Huey Lewis's "Sports", Xandir holds N*Sync's "No Strings Attached", Wooldoor holds "Raffi Unplugged", and Ling-Ling holds "The Best of Puffy Amiyumi". The group is arguing so loudly that it's difficult to make out any conversation.
Spanky: (amidst all the din) I got yer Jagged Little Pill right here!
Hero: N*Sync? Mo' like N*SUCK!
Wooldoor: Bukkake?
Cut back to the present.
Wooldoor: And if we can ever stop arguing about it and actually PLAY some music, the baby will hear even more! (The others nod in agreement.)
CUE OPENING TITLES
The scene opens on a long shot of the mall. The scene then cuts to the interior where we see the housemates walking through the doors. Christmas decorations are all over the place.
Toot: And all they ever found was the severed head!
Spanky: Remind me never to eat dinner at your place, okay?
Clara: Oh, joy. We're back in the mall again. What wondrous adventures will take place in here this time?
Spanky: Well, at least we actually made it INTO the mall this time.
Wooldoor: Yeah! And now that we're here... nothing can POSSIBLY go wrong! (Spanky turns to Wooldoor in shock.)
Spanky: Wooldoor... what the hell?
Wooldoor: I wanna have a Christmas adventure, Spanky!
Spanky: You can just have one by yourself, then. I'm going to work. (Spanky turns to Xandir.) Come on, Xandir. (Xandir's eyebrows raise.)
Toot (in confessional): (reading from a dictionary) "Come. Verb. To move toward something, or to move or journey to a vicinity with a specified purpose." (She closes the book.) And THAT'S the definition of "come" we'll be using throughout this ENTIRE episode. So give it up, okay?
Spanky and Xandir begin to walk off. On their way out of the main entry area, they pass a group of Hare Krishnas.
Krishna: Spare some change for the Movement for Krishna Peace?
Spanky: Oh, I'll give you guys a piece! (He balls up his fist and prepares to strike, but Xandir stops him.)
Xandir: No, Spanky! These guys are members of a sacred organization! It's not good to hit religious people!
Spanky: But Clara's religious and we smack her around all the time!
Xandir: Good point. Go ahead, then. (Spanky draws back to punch the main Krishna.)
Krishna: Please, kind sir. All we need is a small donation to help us promote Krishna Peace!
Spanky: (suddenly stops) Ah, forget it, you're not worth it. (He and Xandir walk off, leaving the main Krishna looking after them with his hand still out. Spanky talks to Xandir as he leaves.) If those guys were so hard up for change, they could have saved money by not getting those fancy haircuts.
Xandir: Maybe they sold all their hair. I sold all MY hair once.
Spanky: I don't remember you ever being bald.
Xandir: I didn't say the hair on my HEAD. Well... not THAT head, at least. (As Spanky is grossed out, the scene changes back to the others.)
Foxxy: Anyway, it'll be a few hours before my show starts, so y'all can go look around the mall while we're getting everything set up.
Clara: A few HOURS? (Foxxy nods.) Then what was the point of us coming so early? I could have had a few extra hours to stay inside and be all snuggly and warm instead of out in the cold fighting the crowds!
Foxxy: Cause if we hadn't left when we did, there wouldn't have been a single place to park by the time we got here... except maybe a compact spot. (Clara nods.)
Clara: Speaking of which... is that Hot Topic still around, do you know?
Foxxy: Yes. But they still don't have any of the Lil' Bush characters in there. I checked.
Clara: Darn. (She turns to the others.) Okay, then, guys. How do you want to kill the next few hours?
Hero: With a BB gun.
Wooldoor: How about a machete?
Toot: I wanna slash their throats!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling not believe in killing.
Clara: I mean... never mind. You know what? They've got those big comfy chairs in the bookstore, I think I'm going to go read for a few hours. There's this one part of Leviticus I haven't read in AGES.
Wooldoor: I wanna go Christmas shopping!
Clara: No, Wooldoor. All our Christmas shopping is done. We're not going to be doing any more.
Wooldoor: But there may be some new stuff in the stores since the last time we went and we need to go find out what it is!
Clara: After Christmas, perhaps.
Wooldoor: Awwwwwww!
Foxxy: Come on, Clara, he's a kid. Kids like to go shopping! (Wooldoor nods enthusiastically.)
Clara: Okay, fine. Wooldoor can go shopping. (Wooldoor begins hopping around excitedly.) Just as long as *I* don't have to be the one to take him. (At this point, the others instantly spring into action.)
Hero: (touching his nose) Not it!
Foxxy: (touching her nose) Not it!
Toot: (touching her nose) Not it!
Ling-Ling: (touching his nose) Not it!
Wooldoor: (He suddenly stops his hopping and touches his nose.) Not it!
Clara: Oh, come on! Can't we think of a less childish way to settle these things?
Toot: You're only saying that cause you lost!
Clara: This isn't fair! Why am I always the one who has to be Wooldoor's mommy?
Wooldoor: Would you rather be my cool aunt?
Clara: Yes.
Wooldoor: Yeah, you can't pull that one off. Sorry.
Ling-Ling: You know, if Carla having second thoughts about getting pregnant, we can just adopt Sockbat.
Clara: You, me, Wooldoor our son... now won't THAT be a family portrait to make my father proud?
Ling-Ling: Eh, that family no more messed up looking than royal families with centuries of inbreeding! Just look at Charles II of Spain! (Clara and Wooldoor both look confused. Ling-Ling turns to the camera angrily.) Look up picture on Google, people! Then you find joke hilarious!
Clara: Okay, fine. Come on, Wooldoor. Let's go Christmas shopping. (Wooldoor celebrates, then falls in line behind Clara. Clara turns to Ling-Ling.) Come on, Ling-Ling. (Ling-Ling does not move.) Ling-Ling? Are you coming?
Ling-Ling: What? Does Ling-Ling calling not it not mean anything to Carla?
Clara: (sighing) Fine. I'll see you when it's time for Foxxy's performance. (Clara takes Wooldoor by the hand and leads him away.)
Hero: I'll stay and help you set up, Foxxy.
Foxxy: Why, thank you, Hero!
Hero: I mean, you're growing a baby inside you now. I have to be careful you don't hurt the baby.
Foxxy: I appreciate your concern, Hero, but it's not like I've never done this before.
Hero: That's right, you've had kids before. So tell me, Foxxy- how IS little Timmy?
Foxxy: (sighing sadly) Oh, he was doing all right, until he was walking on the beach one day and a pelican mistook him for a- I see your point.
Toot: (turning to Ling-Ling) Well, Ling-Ling, it looks like we're the only ones left!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling guess so.
Toot: So what shall we do? Go to Mexico again?
Ling-Ling: Well... okay. But no accidentally killing whores this time.
Toot: Awwwww! But that's the best part!
Ling-Ling: Actually... there new Asian restaurant that just open up. Ling-Ling kind of curious to check it out. Land whale wanna come with Ling-Ling?
Toot: (upset) What? You think that just because I'm "the fat one", it means I'll automatically jump at the chance to go to any place that has food in it?
Ling-Ling: Actually, Ling-Ling not think land whale fat at all... in fact, he think she way too skinny. He trying to fatten her up!
Toot: (smiling) Ohhhhhh... you are such a big liar! But thank you, Ling-Ling, I appreciate the sentiment. (Ling-Ling nods.) Okay, let's go. (They begin to walk off.) So do they have actual food there or is it all that goofy ass Asian stuff? I'm not saying it's a dealbreaker either way. (They walk out of sight.)
Hero: So where's the stage, Foxxy?
Foxxy: Here, I'll take you to it.
Foxxy begins to walk toward the stage, but Hero stops her.
Hero: Foxxy, are you sure you should be doing that in your condition? Walking, I mean?
Foxxy: Walking ain't gonna hurt the baby, Hero, I promise! Now just come on!
Foxxy turns and resumes walking, with Hero close behind her. Reunitee passes the two of them going in the opposite direction. She wears the same outfit she usually wears except for a brown coat. The trim of her coat brushes against Foxxy's leg. Foxxy doesn't notice, but Hero immediately turns and grabs Reunitee by the arm.
Hero: Hey! Why don't you watch where you're going?
Reunitee: Excuse me? (Foxxy stops, decidedly displeased.)
Hero: You need to be careful where you're walking, missy! There's a pregnant woman here! You might hurt the baby!
Reunitee: I never even touched her! I mean... MAYBE the trim of my coat might have brushed against her.
Hero: Aha! So you admit it!
Foxxy: Hero, just come on and stop harassing this innocent woman, okay? (She grabs Hero's arm and starts trying to lead Hero away, but he won't go.)
Hero: Okay, Foxxy. (He looks at Reunitee.) But I want your name and address, lady. If this baby's born retarded, I'm holding YOU responsible!
Foxxy: Believe me, Hero, if this baby's born retarded, I *know* who'll be responsible!
Hero: Foxxy, is this your way of telling me you've started drinking again? Because I hear that's bad for the baby.
Foxxy: Just come on. (She drags Hero away. The two arrive at the escalator.) I've got to get some equipment from the manager's office on the upper level, then we'll go to the stage together.
Hero: (stopping Foxxy) Wait! Are you sure you should be riding the escalator in your condition?
Foxxy: Hero, there is nothing that can happen on that escalator that can possibly hurt the baby.
Hero: Oh yeah? I hear if you're wearing sandals, your toes can get caught in the floor mechanism!
Foxxy: Do these look like sandals to you? (Foxxy is wearing her usual boots.)
Hero: No... but appearances can be deceiving!
Foxxy: Believe me, Hero, I'll be fine! (She starts to board the escalator, but Hero stops her.)
Hero: Wait! Before you go, just let me do one thing. (As Foxxy stands impatiently, Hero turns toward the escalator. He puts his hands together directly in front of his face and squints his eyes. He slowly pulls his hands apart until he is able to estimate the width of the escalator. Keeping his hands in the same position, he turns toward Foxxy. Still squinting, he slowly brings his hands together until they match the width of Foxxy's body. He pulls his hands apart again, returning to the width of the escalator. He then turns back to the escalator with his hands still in the same position. At this point, he fully opens his eyes again and turns back to Foxxy.) Okay, let's go!
Foxxy walks in front of Hero and boards the escalator. Hero follows right behind her. Just as they get to the top, Hero lifts Foxxy up so her feet won't touch the top of the escalator and sets her down safely off the platform. Smiling at his "rescue", he fails to notice that he himself is now at the top of the escalator. The toe of his boot catches the top of the escalator, causing him to trip. He looks up at Foxxy smiling, giving the "OK" sign. Foxxy just looks at him and shakes her head.
Cut to a small display area in another part of the mall. Spanky sits in a chair in full Santa regalia with Xandir standing right next to him dressed as his elf. Behind them is a large Christmas tree with a number of gifts underneath it. A line of children has formed.
Spanky: So do you know what to do?
Xandir: Oh, you bet, Spanky!
Spanky: It's not that hard, okay? You just need to be my elf, so... just be my elf. Okay?
Xandir: Oh, I'll be the best damn elf you could ever hope for!
Spanky: Oh, yeah, and um... you're not really supposed to curse in front of the kids, either. So don't say damn while we're on the job.
Xandir: A Drawn Together episode with no profanity in it? How will we manage?
Spanky: Don't worry, the other stories will make up for it. (At this point, a small beep is heard.) All right, Xandir. It's ten o'clock. Time to begin. Bring the first kid over to me.
Xandir leads a young boy over to Spanky. The child sits down on Spanky's lap.
Spanky: Ho ho ho!
Xandir: Hey!
Spanky: Not you, Xandir, it's just something I say.
Xandir: Oh.
Spanky: What's your name, little boy?
Boy: Bronx Mowgli!
Spanky: Yeah, for Christmas, I'm gonna bring you a better name.
Boy: Yayyyyy!
Spanky: So what else do you want for Christmas, child?
Boy: I want for mommy for stop doing heroin.
Xandir: (looking around under the tree) I'm pretty sure we don't have THAT under the tree! Oh, wait, maybe we do! (He holds up a box, then becomes disappointed.) Never mind, it's just a train set.
Boy: My big brother told me to say that to you. He said you'd think it was hilarious.
Spanky: Well, your big brother was right. That IS pretty frickin' hilarious.
Boy: So what's heroin, Santa?
Spanky: Um... er... Xandir?
Xandir: Heroin is the name for a female superhero! It's the feminine version of hero.
Boy: Ohhhhhh. (Spanky smiles at Xandir appreciatively.) So if mommy's doing heroin, does that mean she's a lesbian?
Spanky: Yup, kid. Your mommy's a lesbian. Maybe her Christmas present to your dad can be letting him watch!
Boy: That sounds great, Santa!
Spanky: So what else do you want, Billy?
Boy: Actually, my name is-
Spanky: Sorry, kid, but I *refuse* to say that name. Anyway, what did you want?
Boy: I want an official Red Ryder BB gun!
Spanky: Yeah, kid, um... we don't really do movie parodies in this series. Pick something else.
Boy: And a Nintendo Wii!
Spanky: Perfect! All right, we're done now, Billy. Get off Santa's lap. (The child gets off.) Merry Christmas!
Xandir: Abendi comprenduwe! (Spanky turns to Xandir, giving him the stink eye.)
Spanky: Xandir... what the hell was that?
Xandir: Oh. That was "Merry Christmas" in Elvish! (Spanky stares at Xandir in disbelief.) You told me to be an elf, so I'm being an elf!
Spanky: Just bring the next kid to me, okay? (Xandir leads a young girl over to Spanky. She gets up on his lap.) So what's your name, little girl?
Girl: Apple!
Spanky: I'm just going to stop asking. So what do you want for Christmas, Debbie?
Girl: A new dolly!
Xandir: Ooh! We have one of those! (Xandir pulls a doll-like figure out of his pocket and hands it to the girl. It is a bunch of sticks bundled together coated with dried mud. It has a small piece of cloth at the top resembling a pointed hat, and two tiny red buttons for eyes. Spanky looks at Xandir.)
Spanky: What the hell is that?
Xandir: That's a traditional elf doll! I made it before we came in here with stuff I found in the parking lot!
Girl: What's its name?
Xandir: Frodadriel.
Spanky: I need some Benadryl. I think I can feel myself getting sick.
Xandir: Oh, I have just the thing for you! (Xandir reaches into the pocket of his elf costume and pulls out a small jar, which he hands to Spanky. Spanky looks at the jar thoroughly grossed out.) It's an ancient elven cold remedy made up of bat wings, Tylenol, and rat poop!
Spanky: (handing the jar back to Xandir) Never mind, I think I'd rather be sick.
Xandir: Oh, wait. I forgot to say the ancient elf incantation which gives it its secret power! (He begins chanting.) Namisde... peridee... ochristmasde... (He holds the jar up to the sky.) Oh mighty elf gods, please shine your wisdom on this potion so that it may cure the cough of the great pig beast!
Girl: I thought elves just made toys! My mommy and daddy never told me about THIS part of the Christmas legend!
Spanky: Well, we all gotta grow up sometime, kid! (Spanky takes out a flask and takes a quick nip from it.)
Cut to the toy store. The place is filled with excited kids looking around at things. A few toys have been set up near the front of the store for kids to play with. Wooldoor enters pulling Clara by the hand.
Wooldoor: Clara! Clara! Come on come on come on come on come on come on come on!
Clara: Wooldoor, how can I do anything BUT come on when you're dragging me by the hand?
Wooldoor: (notices two kids playing) Ooh! Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots! (Wooldoor runs up to the two kids and shoves one out of the way.)
First kid: Hey!
Wooldoor: You were going to lose anyway. (Wooldoor glares at the other kid.) All right, punk. Looks like it's down to just you and me!
Second kid: Actually, I was getting bored with this game. I think I'll go to Hot Topic and expand my mind. (He gets up and leaves.)
Wooldoor: No! Don't go! If you leave, who will I have to play against?
First kid: (getting up) I'll play you!
Wooldoor: Thanks, kid. But I need someone who'll actually challenge me! Oh! I know! (He grabs Clara's hand again and pulls her toward him.) Clara! Why don't you play me?
First kid: (to Wooldoor, while looking up at Clara) Whoa, dude! Your mom is hot! (Wooldoor smiles. The kid turns to Wooldoor.) How did YOU get so weird looking?
Wooldoor: She drank while she was pregnant with me.
First kid: Ohhhhhh. Okay. (He looks up at Clara.) You're really not supposed to drink, lady.
Clara: Kid, if you lived with the crowd I live with, you'd be a raging alcoholic too! (Clara suddenly has a weird reaction.) Was this story originally written for Toot or something? That sounds like a Toot line.
First kid: Never mind. This is dumb. I think I'll go play with the teddy bears.
Wooldoor: Hmm... teddy bears! (Wooldoor dashes out of the camera's view for a moment, then comes right back holding a large stuffed bear. He sets the bear down next to the other robot and begins to play.) Okay... go!
Wooldoor begins furiously mashing the controls of his robot. As the other robot remains completely motionless, Wooldoor's robot keeps punching and punching it, but nothing happens. Finally, Clara, tapping her foot, accidentally kicks the bear. It falls face forward and lands on the control pad. The robot proceeds to hit Wooldoor's robot with a knockout blow, signified by the head of Wooldoor's robot popping straight up in the air.
Wooldoor: Awwwwwwww! I lost! (He looks down and cries for a moment. Clara stares in confusion, not knowing what to do. Wooldoor's tears quickly dry up. He walks over to the bear and shakes its hand.) Well met, my honorable opponent. I see I underestimated you. Well played. (He turns to Clara.) Can we get some Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots for Christmas, Clara?
Clara: Sure... I suppose so.
Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee! (Suddenly becoming stern, he looks directly at the bear.) But YOU can't play!
Clara: (grabbing the teddy bear) Wooldoor, let's just put the bear back where he belongs and start acting like a big boy, okay? (Clara starts to take the bear back to the store shelf from whence he came, but the cashier stops her.)
Cashier: Actually, we'd rather you just left the bear where he was.
Clara: Excuse me?
Cashier: We kinda like it when toys get scattered around. It makes the place seem like less of a corporate-run business and more like a Grandma's Workshop type of place. And besides, putting the teddy bear in front of the robots like that... it makes it seem like our toys are so cool that even the other toys want to play with them!
Wooldoor: Well, in that case... (Wooldoor grabs the bear away from Clara, sets it back down in front of the robot, and then dashes off.)
Clara: Oh, crap, what's he going to do now?
Wooldoor returns, his arms full to overflowing with all the stuffed animals he can carry. At the controls of the other robot, he places a Tickle Me Elmo doll.
Clara: Oh, how cute. The teddy bear is playing Rock' Em Sock 'Em Robots against Tickle Me Elmo!
Wooldoor: I'm not done!
Wooldoor sets the stuffed animals down, then uses Lincoln Logs to fence off the area around the competitors. He arranges the rest of the stuffed animals around the fence. He opens some packages of play money, then tapes it into the hands of many of the spectators, and then affixes their arms in a lifted-up position so it appears that they are waving money. He pushes a button on a Teddy Ruxpin doll.
Teddy Ruxpin: (holding money) Kill him! Clobber him! Punch him in the gut! (Wooldoor pushes the button on a Furby.)
Furby: Don't let me down, you bastard, I got 50 G's riding on you!
Wooldoor: (to Clara) I programmed them to say those things.
Clara: You don't say.
Wooldoor affixes a Magna Doodle to the wall, then tapes a Kermit the Frog doll in such a position as to make it appear he is writing on it. Upon getting a good look at the board, we see that written on it is tons of bookmaking odds.
Wooldoor: Now, then. Have I left anything out?
Clara: Making half of them stinking drunk?
Wooldoor: Good idea!
Wooldoor rushes off again and comes back with some soda bottles. He draws X's through the soda brand names and writes underneath "Hooch". He then tapes the bottles to several characters' hands and positions them so that it appears they are staggering.
First kid: You should have realized he was going to take you literally, lady.
Clara: I know, I really don't think these things through.
Wooldoor lies a Curious George doll face first on the floor with one of its hands holding a bottle, then slides a novelty toy of fake vomit underneath its face.
Wooldoor: There! Now I think the picture is complete!
Clara: Wait, Wooldoor, I think you forgot something! (Wooldoor looks at Clara. Clara reaches into a tub next to the counter and pulls out a pocket size pig toy. She takes the toy and stuffs it under the dress of a Miss Piggy doll, which is also holding a bottle.) I told Miss Piggy she wasn't supposed to drink while she was pregnant! (Clara's look suddenly turns into a mixture of confusion and irritation.) Okay, now I know THAT was a Toot line! Seriously, people, what the hell?
Cut to an exterior shot of the restaurant, which is called "Dead Man Wok King". A sign in the window reads "Today's special, Soylent Green Soup, $6.95". The scene changes to Toot and Ling-Ling in the restaurant.
Toot: (very irritated) And suddenly they're giving my lines to Clara! I mean, what the hell? (She looks at Ling-Ling.) But you don't care, do you? As far as you're concerned, the more screen time Clara gets, the better, right, Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling: Would land whale believe Ling-Ling if he said no?
Toot: No?
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling not care how much screen time Carla gets. Some weeks... he even hope she get as little as possible.
Toot: Oh, the ones where they're making her act all evil and such, right? (Ling-Ling nods.) I know what you mean. I don't know what it is about that show... sometimes it seems like those writers care more about stories than about us as individuals. You know what I mean?
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling know exactly what land whale mean.
Toot: But that's okay. We know how things REALLY are! Don't we, Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling: We sure do!
Toot: I'm sorry, Ling-Ling. I don't mean for it to sound like I'm making fun of Clara. I love Clara, really. Not in THAT way, though.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling know what way you mean.
Toot: Ling-Ling, is this weird? I mean... you're my best friend's husband and I'm having lunch with you.
Ling-Ling: So? It not like Ling-Ling and land whale on date or anything. They friends.
Toot: Awwww really?
Ling-Ling: And they have friendship that goes back long way before Ling-Ling ever get together with Carla!
Toot: Yeah, they do! I mean- we do. (She thinks for a moment.) They- we... you talk funny, Ling-Ling, you know that?
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling guess so.
Toot: But you mean that, Ling-Ling? You really think of us as friends?
Ling-Ling: Of course Ling-Ling do! He admit that he and land whale not always get along, but that part of living in same house together all these years!
Toot: Yeah... along those lines, Ling-Ling... I'm sorry I married your dad for his money that one time.
Ling-Ling: That okay. Ling-Ling sorry he ruin land whale's cockfighting scam.
Toot: And I'm sorry I accidentally swallowed you when I was struggling with bulimia.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling sorry he kill and eat land whale in first episode.
Toot: The first episode... that's right. So tell me, Ling-Ling. Right before I went into the bedroom that day, I saw Clara walking out. What was going on between you two? (Toot leans over to Ling-Ling and grins.) Were you gonna put the moooooves on her?
Ling-Ling: (beginning to blush) Well...
Toot: Ling-Ling! Are you blushing? (Ling-Ling tries to hide his reaction, but it is no use.) Why, Ling-Ling, you are blushing! Awwwww, Ling-Ling. You were in love with the princess right from the beginning, weren't you?
Ling-Ling: Well... not really. Well, maybe. On some level. Ling-Ling not understand what he feel then.
Toot: It's okay, Ling-Ling. I understand. In fact... I guess I might as well let you in on a little secret. You know who *I* had a crush on when we first moved in together?
Ling-Ling: Xandir.
Toot: (genuinely shocked) What? You knew? How did you know? I thought I hid it so well! (Ling-Ling looks at her skeptically.) You're right, who was I kidding? What's sad is that finding out he was gay didn't even come CLOSE to killing my crush! God... how pathetic was I?
Ling-Ling: Don't blame yourself, Toot. We not help how we feel. Even when we know it wrong. Ling-Ling keep telling himself not to fall in love with Carla... it never have a chance of working out in a million years.
Toot: But your situation is different, Ling-Ling. You eventually GOT Carla. I mean, Clara. Even if it seemed unlikely, you still at least had a technical shot at having it happen. With Xandir... somehow even knowing that it positively would never ever happen didn't stop me from wanting him.
Ling-Ling: Toot seem sad... Ling-Ling hope this not mean she still have lingering feelings for Xandir.
Toot: Lingering feelings for Xandir? No way! No, Ling-Ling, I definitely don't want Xandir anymore. If I'm sad, it's because of all the time and tears I wasted crying over him. No, believe me, Ling-Ling, Xandir and me was one relationship that didn't need to EVER happen. It's just that, well... sometimes it just hurts a little bit to be reminded of a time in my life when I was so pathetic. You know?
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling know.
Toot: I don't get this. Why am I being so depressing all of a sudden? I need to get back to being my cute, feisty self who doesn't take crap from anyone!
Ling-Ling: Seems like land whale suffering from holiday depression.
Toot: But that's ridiculous! I've finally solved my alcoholism and my self-esteem problems, and I'm about to get married to a wonderful guy who loves me for who I am! And besides, I'm Jewish, I don't even celebrate this crappy holiday!
Ling-Ling: You do celebrate Hanukkah, though.
Toot: Eh. Hanukkah doesn't really count as a holiday. (Ling-Ling looks shocked. Toot points at him.) Hey, I'm Jewish! I'm allowed to say it!
Ling-Ling cracks a smile and chuckles. Toot's facade breaks. A big smile forms on her face as she finds herself chuckling too. She straightens up and picks up a menu.
Toot: Okay, I think we're ready to order now.
The camera pulls out to reveal a waiter slumped in a chair at an adjacent table to them, thoroughly bored to death. He has apparently been there throughout the entire conversation.
Waiter: Finally!
Cut to the stage. Foxxy sits in a chair looking at various pieces of sheet music while Hero examines the staging area.
Hero: (looking at two huge speakers at the back of the stage) The sound waves emitted by those speakers could harm the fetus! (Hero squints and uses his hands to estimate Foxxy's height, then rushes back to the speakers. He angles them in such a way that they will be facing away from Foxxy's body when she performs.) There now! Back to childproofing the stage! (He returns to putting no-skid pads all around the area of the stage where Foxxy will be walking.) Wait a minute! (He knocks on the floor of the stage.) This sounds hollow! It could cave in and collapse and take Foxxy and the baby with it! (He flies off somewhere. He returns a few moments later with several cinder blocks in one hand and a giant beanbag chair in the other. He flies out of view. We hear a sound under the stage of something being constructed. Hero then reappears minus his supplies.) There, now! This stage is fully supported!
A brief shot is shown of the area underneath the stage. All of the cinder blocks have been used to construct extra pillars to provide extra support. The beanbag chair is placed directly underneath the part of the stage where Foxxy would stand.
Hero: There, now! Foxxy and the baby will be completely- (Hero suddenly looks up.) Oh, my God! That lighting fixture up in the ceiling! It could fall on her! I'd better do something about that! Activate the Hero-rang!
Hero takes out a boomerang in the shape of a bat, but with the Hero logo on it. He flings the Hero-rang up toward the light fixture and uses the rope attached to it to secure the light fixture firmly in place. As Hero stands beaming at his triumph, Batman walks up behind him.
Batman: You totally stole that from me.
Hero: Oh, yeah? Well, at least I have SUPER POWERS! Oh, yeah! That's right, I went there! (He points at Batman derisively.) Burn!
Batman: You are such a douche.
Hero: Oh yeah? Well, you're an emo crybaby! Besides, isn't it about time for you to spank Robin again?
Robin: (walking onto the scene) He's right, Batman. It is.
Batman: (pointing toward the parking lot) Wait in the Batmobile!
Robin trudges off sadly. After a moment, Batman follows him. Foxxy gets up and walks over to Hero.
Foxxy: All right, Hero. I think I'm ready to start rehearsing now.
Hero: Excellent! Well, you just get up there and sing your little heart out!
Foxxy walks up to the microphone. Music begins to play. However, just as Foxxy is about to start singing, Hero stops the show again.
Foxxy: Oh, what now?
Hero: It just occurred to me that being on your feet for more than twenty minutes at a time might put undue stress on your womb area. For the sake of our child's health, I need to make sure that you're as comfortable as you can be for your performance!
Foxxy: And just how do you intend to do that?
Hero smiles, then flies off. He returns seconds later holding a fancy leather chair.
Hero: Ta da!
Foxxy: Now, Hero, just where in the hell did you find that thing?
Cut to the Santa display. Spanky walks out to find an empty spot.
Spanky: Huh? Where the hell'd my chair go?
Xandir walks onto the scene. He is holding a long, narrow popsicle in one hand and a corn dog in the other.
Xandir: Okay, I'm back from my break! We ready to make some more kids' wishes come true?
Spanky: Xandir, my chair is gone.
Xandir: Oh. Well, that's too bad. Hey, maybe I can bend over and you can sit on my ass!
Spanky: I'm pretty sure that would be violating some kind of public decency law, but thanks for the offer.
Xandir: Oh! I know! (Xandir dashes off and quickly returns holding a very strange looking item.) Ta da!
Spanky: Xandir, what the hell is that?
Xandir: Oh, I took some tree bark and some hardened sod and then I melted down some of the candles they have in the candle shop to coat it with and then I tied it all together using the candle wicks to make you this stool! (He hands the stool to an astounded Spanky.) This is what the elves of yore used to sit on!
Spanky: Fine. I don't really care. I just want to get this day over with. (Spanky sets the stool on the floor and sits down on it.) Okay, Xandir. Bring over the next kid. (Xandir brings over another small boy.) And what's your name, little boy? (The boy starts to answer, but Spanky stops him.) Never mind, I'm just going to call you Bobby. So what do you want for Christmas, Bobby? (Bobby starts crying.) Bobby?
Bobby: (tearfully) I want my mommy to come back! (Spanky sighs.)
Spanky: Where did your mommy go, Bobby?
Bobby: (still crying) Heaven! (Spanky's mouth is wide open. He looks around, completely unsure as to what to say.)
Spanky: Um... um... Look, Bobby. Heaven is a pretty nice place, at least according to most theological interpretations of it. I'm sure your mommy is happier there than she could ever be here on earth. Don't you want your mommy to be happy?
Bobby: But I need her! I'm only six years old, Santa. If I don't have a strong maternal figure in my life growing up, I could turn out to be a dangerous sociopath, or at the very least, some kind of junkie! (Bobby breaks down in tears again. While Spanky is still stuck for something to say, Xandir walks over to the child.)
Xandir: There, there, little Bobby. I think I know how we can bring your mommy back!
Bobby: You do?
Xandir: I used to hear from my elven ancestors that their friends the hobbits had a magical ritual that could bring the spirits of their fallen warriors back to life! (Spanky frowns again.)
Bobby: Really?
Xandir: Oh, yeah! What you have to do is, sprinkle some tree ashes on your mother's grave at least once a week while you chant her name seventeen times in succession. Then spread some honey on the grave to feed her lost soul, and her spirit will be with you always!
Bobby: Thanks, Santa's elf! I can feel her spirit in me already!
Xandir: Don't mention it!
Bobby gets up and starts to run off, but then stops.
Bobby: Oh, and Santa?
Spanky: What?
Bobby: I'd also like a Nintendo Wii, if that's possible.
Spanky: Sure, kid, whatever. (Bobby runs off giddily. Spanky turns to Xandir.) Xandir... what the HELL was that crap you just pulled?
Xandir: Spanky, I thought you said we weren't supposed to curse in front of the children?
Spanky: Forget what I said, okay? I can curse if I want! I'm the goddamn Santa Claus!
Xandir: Fair enough.
Spanky: Now what's the deal with you telling that kid he can bring his mother back to life? Huh? What happens when he actually tries all that crap and it doesn't work, huh? He'll be heartbroken!
Xandir: To be fair, I didn't actually say that stuff would bring his mom back to life. I just said that her spirit would be with him. And it will! It probably is already, this ritual will just help him to realize that. Ancient elven folklore teaches us that when one's body passes on and the spirit ascends to the sky-
Spanky: And that's another thing! Since when are you so big on ancient elven folklore and all that stuff?
Xandir: Well, Spanky, you told me to be an elf, so I'm being an elf!
Spanky: But you're taking it way too far! Even elves aren't this... elvy!
Xandir: I'm just drawing on my own heritage, Spanky. In case you've forgotten, I myself am an elf! I have forged through the forests and burrowed through the trees... I have traveled the hills and the dales and dwelt in the hobbit holes-
Spanky: Xandir, you're from Hershey, Pennsylvania!
Xandir: They have hobbit holes in Hershey, Pennsylvania!
Spanky: Do they? In that case, you can jolly well go BACK to them, then!
Xandir: Spanky, what are you saying?
Spanky: I'm saying I don't want you to be my elf anymore. You're fired.
Xandir looks at Spanky for a moment in disbelief. His face becomes twisted up. Xandir covers his face with his hands and runs away crying. Spanky looks down and sighs in frustration, then looks back up.
Spanky: Okay, who's next? (He gestures to the child at the front of the line.) Sorry, you'll have to come to Santa by yourself. (A little girl walks over and sits on Spanky's lap.)
Brooklyn: My name is Brooklyn!
Spanky: I didn't even ask! (He sighs.) So what do you want for Christmas, Brooklyn?
Brooklyn: Where'd the elf go?
Spanky: He had to go do an important elf thing.
Brooklyn: What did he have to do?
Spanky: Oh, I don't know. Whatever it is elves do. He had to go... save a magic ring or something.
Brooklyn: Oh.
Spanky: So what do you want for Christmas, Staten Island?
Brooklyn: Brooklyn.
Spanky: Right.
Brooklyn: When's the elf coming back?
Spanky: Kid, why do you care about the elf?
Brooklyn: The elf is cool! I want the elf to come back!
Spanky: The elf is busy, okay? Now tell Santa what you want for Christmas!
Brooklyn: No! Not till the elf comes back!
Spanky: This is unreal. Okay, Manhattan.
Brooklyn: Brooklyn!
Spanky: Brooklyn. Just wait off to the side there. My shift ends in two more hours. When it's over, I'll take you to visit the elf.
Brooklyn: Yayyyyyy! (She gets off Spanky's lap and goes over to the side. The next child, a boy, walks over and sits on Spanky's lap.)
Spanky: And what do you want for Christmas, Joey?
Boy: Where'd the elf go?
Spanky sighs in deep, deep frustration. Cut back to the toy store. Children are now standing around eagerly playing with all the toys that Wooldoor set up. Two children have crossed over the "fence" and are now playing Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots, albeit without moving the stuffed animals from behind the controls. Clara looks around in confusion.
Clara: Okay, now where did Wooldoor go THIS time? (Clara looks around the toy store, but cannot find a trace of him. She walks up to the cashier.) Excuse me. Did you see the... um... child... I was chaperoning? (The cashier looks confused.) You remember him... short, yellow... kinda looks like a talking banana?
Cashier: Oh, yeah! He's right behind you!
Clara eagerly turns around. She is greeted by the sight of the talking banana from "Freaks & Greeks".
Banana: Were you looking for me?
Clara: No, I'm sorry. I was looking for someone else. (The banana turns and walks away sadly. At that moment, Clara hears a familiar voice ringing out.)
Wooldoor: (from offscreen) Clara! Clara, come quick!
Clara rushes off in the direction of the voice. She finds Wooldoor in the corner of the toy store. He has assembled a gigantic jigsaw puzzle showing an image of a giant robot being attacked by an army of poo-flinging monkeys.
Wooldoor: Look at the pretty picture I made, Clara!
Clara: Why, Wooldoor, that's... something, all right. (She looks at the picture curiously.) Did you seriously put this puzzle together by yourself?
Wooldoor: I sure did! I'm a master at jigsaws! Why is that so surprising to you?
Clara: Well, for one thing, this particular image doesn't strike me as something they'd be likely to make a jigsaw of!
Wooldoor: Oh, that? It isn't. I opened up every jigsaw puzzle in the store and combined pieces from all them to make this grand tapestry! Look! Isn't it beautiful? (Clara sees another completed puzzle off to the side.)
Clara: And this puzzle here... did you use the leftover pieces to make a puzzle of... your penis?
Wooldoor: No, they actually sell that one.
Clara: (grabbing Wooldoor by the hand) That's it. I'm taking you out of here.
Wooldoor: But Clara! I was just starting to have fun!
Clara: Wooldoor, your brand of fun is tiring me out! Look. We still have two hours left before Foxxy's performance. We can do some more Christmas shopping later on. But if it's okay with you, I'd just like to go somewhere and relax for a while. I know. Why don't we go to the bookstore now? I'm sure you can find a nice book there that you can just sit and read quietly.
Cut to the bookstore. Clara sits patiently trying to read the Bible, but is clutching her brow in frustration. Wooldoor is still dashing around everywhere. He first goes to the comic book section, takes them off the rack one at a time, flips through them, and tosses them aside. He runs to the magazines and begins pulling them off the rack one by one. He flips through each one looking for an article of interest, and upon failing to find one, casts it aside on the floor. Clara sighs and gets out of her chair and walks over to the magazine rack. She patiently picks up the magazines Wooldoor discards and carefully places them back on the rack. Wooldoor runs off to the coloring books and grabs a stack of them off the shelves. He then runs to the children's section, grabs a large 64-pack of crayons, and tears it open. He quickly opens each of the coloring books, colors a little bit, then tosses the book aside. Clara sighs and walks over to the children's section and attempts to calmly pick up the books as Wooldoor tosses them aside. Wooldoor then rushes back into the main section of the store. Spotting a ladder, he climbs up it and begins grabbing books off the shelves, quickly glancing at the covers and then tossing them to the floor. Clara runs back over to where Wooldoor is and begins picking up the books he tosses down. Finally, Wooldoor pulls out one very thick book and looks at the cover. He opens it and begins to read. It appears that he has finally found something that will hold his attention.
Clara: (breathing a sigh of relief) Oh, thank God!
After a moment, Wooldoor closes the book.
Wooldoor: This book is boring!
He tosses the book from the ladder. It hits Clara square in the face. She immediately covers her face in pain. Wooldoor gets down off the ladder.
Wooldoor: You were right, Clara! The bookstore IS fun!
Clara stares for a moment and takes a deep breath. She then grabs Wooldoor by the hand and begins dragging him out of the bookstore.
Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeeeeee! Wait. Where are we going?
(to be continued...)