Post by Raymond-Raymond on Jan 28, 2009 23:39:27 GMT -5
THE GODSOCKBAT
The show opens on a long shot of the house. The scene cuts to the interior, where we see Wooldoor and Spanky in Spanky's room upstairs. Spanky sits on the bed reading a magazine while Wooldoor is on the floor playing with some toys. He has a miniature farm playset set up, complete with a plastic barn, plastic fence, and all sorts of small animal figurines.
Wooldoor: (playing with his cow figure) And Mooey the cow goes moo! (He picks up a sheep with his other hand.) And Sherman the sheep goes baa! (He begins walking the two figures toward each other.) And Sherman the sheep milks Mooey the cow in the meadow! (He sets down a small stool in front of the cow and sets the sheep down on top of the stool. He begins to simulate the sheep milking the cow. Spanky looks up from his magazine skeptically.) And then Mooey the cow shears Sherman the sheep! (He gets out a tiny pair of shears and makes the cow shear the sheep.) Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! (He then removes the sheep figure and replaces it with another one that is shorn.) Why, Sherman! You're naked!
Spanky: Wooldoor, that doesn't even make sense. Why is the COW shearing the sheep? And why is the sheep milking the cow? Shouldn't the farmer be doing all that?
Wooldoor: Ideally, yes. But unfortunately, Cowboy Pete is very lazy and shiftless and has a bit of a drinking problem, so the farm animals have had to learn to do everything for themselves. (Spanky rolls his eyes and returns to his magazine. Wooldoor, still holding the sheep, picks up a goat.) And now Gregory the goat is going to teach Sherman the sheep how to make cheese out of his own milk! (He walks the two figures over to a small building next to the barn and begins to imitate the goat.) Here's the factory, Sherman! Step inside and I'll show you how to work the conveyer belt! (Wooldoor walks the two figures inside the factory.) Let me show you where the lounge is in case you need to take a smoke break! (As Wooldoor continues to move the figures around, Spanky puts down his magazine in irritation.)
Spanky: Wooldoor, do you mind? I'm trying to look at porn here!
Wooldoor: You're looking at porn?
Spanky: Yes.
Wooldoor: But... you're fully clothed.
Spanky: Yeah, I'm trying something new. I want to see if I can give myself an orgasm without touching it.
Wooldoor: I hear Sting can do that.
Spanky: Yeah, I hear that too. So anyway, Wooldoor, if you don't mind, do you think you could pack up all your little toys and go play somewhere else?
Wooldoor: I would, Spanky. But my horse has a broken leg and Vinnie the vet doesn't think it would be a good idea to move him right now!
Spanky: A broken leg, huh?
Wooldoor: (becoming angry and getting in Spanky's face) And no, I am NOT going to sell him to make glue! (Wooldoor grabs his horse figure and begins stroking it affectionately.) I don't care if he can't race anymore. He's my favorite figurine in the whole barnyard and I love him! (He cradles the horse against the side of his face in something resembling a hug.) I would just die if anything bad ever happened to you, Winny!
Spanky: Your horse's name is Winny?
Wooldoor: Seriously? You let Mooey the cow go by unchallenged and you're gonna split hairs over Winny?
Spanky: Point taken. (Wooldoor nods.) Okay, fine, Wooldoor. Get back to playing barnyard. I'll just try to tune it out. (Wooldoor returns to his playing. Spanky resumes looking at his magazine. Wooldoor picks up a pig figure.)
Wooldoor: Now here's Oinky the pig! (Spanky's eyebrows raise, but he does not divert his attention from his magazine.) Oinky likes to roll around in the mud! Don't you, Oinky? (Wooldoor makes a pig squealing noise. He takes Oinky and begins to simulate him rolling around in the mud. He begins singing.) The pig likes to roll... around in the mud... cause that is what pigs do... (Spanky sighs)... and that is ALL pigs do...
Finally, Spanky can take no more. He puts down the magazine and walks over to Wooldoor.
Spanky: Okay, Wooldoor, that's enough. I'm gonna show you how to do this right.
Wooldoor: I'm not doing it right?
Spanky: The animals aren't behaving true to their nature. Here, I'll show you a more realistic version. Here. (He picks up the sheep.) While Sherman the sheep knits a lovely sweater out of his own wool... (He picks up the cow.) Mooey the cow is in the slaughterhouse getting made into tasty burgers! (He picks up a tiny meat cleaver and begins chopping the cow into pieces. He grabs a bunch of the figures and puts them all together near the remains of chopped up Mooey. He simulates eating sounds.) Mmmm... that was good steak, man!
Wooldoor: Ohhhhhhhh. I see.
Spanky: (picking up the pig) And then, after he's had his fill of tasty beef... (He begins moving the pig toward the farmhouse.) Oinky the pig goes inside the house and looks up porn on the internet! (He puts the pig inside the house in front of a computer.)
Wooldoor: Ohhhhhhhh.
Spanky: And Gregory the goat gets a job in Hollywood starring in The Nanny!
Wooldoor: I see what you mean, Spanky! That's much more realistic than the way I was doing it!
Spanky: If there's one thing Spanky Ham knows, it's animal behavior!
Wooldoor looks at the scene and nods in acknowledgement. Spanky smiles.
CUE OPENING TITLES
Cut to the living room, where Foxxy, Hero, Clara, and Toot are watching television. American Dad is on. We see a scene of Stan and Francine in bed together.
Francine: (on TV) This is impossible! How can I be pregnant? I thought you told me you were wearing protection!
Stan: (on TV) I was! (Stan moves his arm out of the way to reveal a gun belt, complete with pistol, strapped across his naked waist. Francine continues to look disoriented.)
Hero: (to Foxxy) You know, if they ever had us put on a production of American Dad, I think the two of us would be perfect for Stan and Francine!
Foxxy: Hero, I notice that you always seem to say that after we watch a scene where they have sex.
Hero: Be that as it may. (Foxxy chuckles and hugs Hero.)
Clara: (to Toot) Oh, God, they're sharing catchphrases now.
Foxxy: If memory serves, you also said that we'd be perfect for the two leads in that movie we was watching last night!
Hero: And I stand by that!
Toot: What movie were you guys watching?
Foxxy: A porno!
Hero: I'm serious, though, Foxxy. (He points at the television.) I think we'd do a great job playing those characters!
Foxxy: I guess you have a point! Hmmm... this could be interesting, now that I think about it. So if we was going to play Stan and Francine, who would everyone else be?
Toot: Ooh! Are we gonna cast another movie with ourselves? This is gonna be fun!
Clara: Yeah, this sounds cool. Let's do this!
Hero: Okay!
Clara: Now, let's see. Hayley... is a loudmouth ultra-liberal bitch. That one's gotta be Toot!
Toot: (annoyed) Hey! Hayley is not a bitch! Although I guess if I was Hayley, that would make Marty Jeff.
Clara: I think Wooldoor should play Jeff.
Toot: What IS it with everybody wanting to pair me romantically with Wooldoor? (Clara shrugs. Toot rolls her eyes.) Hmm... I think that Clara... should play Steve! (Clara gives Toot the stink eye.)
Clara: Excuse me?
Toot: Come on, Clara, it's perfect! You both have brown hair, you're both incredibly book smart yet completely lacking in social skills, and most importantly, neither of you ever get any!
Clara: Hey! I get some!
Toot: (to Foxxy and Hero) Did we ever decide if Ling-Ling counted as "getting some"? (Clara snorts dismissively.) But come on, Clara. That's as perfect a match as you'll ever get! You're exactly like Steve in every way!
Clara: No, Toot, there's one way Steve and I differ. One BIG way.
Toot: You're not into Star Trek?
Clara: Well, duh!
Foxxy: I could kinda see it, though. Maybe if Clara cut her hair short and put on glasses, and...
Clara: Grew a penis?
Hero: Oh, that's ridiculous! Can you even grow penises? (Nobody responds. Hero looks around at everyone questioningly.) Well? Can you? Does anybody know?
Toot: Um, Hero, why...?
Hero: I just thought it would be kind of nice to have two.
Foxxy: Ooh! If you had two penises, that would mean that at night I could go skiing!
Clara: (getting up) And I'm out of here.
Toot: Oh, come on, Clara, lighten up!
Foxxy: Yeah, Clara! You can't just go walking out of the room any time somebody says something slightly distasteful! It's a violation of my 13th Amendment rights!
Clara: Don't you mean your First Amendment rights? You know, free speech?
Foxxy: No, I meant my 13th Amendment rights. Cause the Foxxy will not be a slave to y'all's prudery!
Clara: (to Toot) Is prudery even a word?
Toot: If you don't know, I don't!
Foxxy: And what's the big deal about penises anyway?
Jerry Seinfeld (in confessional): What's the big deal about penises? (He thinks for a moment.) Actually, I know what the big deal is about penises! (He looks at the camera and waves.) All right, we're done here!
Foxxy: Half the people in America's got 'em!
Clara: Wait. Half the people in AMERICA have penises? (Foxxy nods.) I find it interesting that you would need to specify America as your point of reference. As if the United States is different from other countries with regard to its penis allocation.
Foxxy (in confessional): "Penis allocation." That's right. You heard me. "Penis allocation." (She shakes her head.) Try using THAT one in a porn movie sometime!
Hero: It's true! For instance, in France, EVERYBODY has a penis! Even the women!
Toot: And in Soviet Russia, there is only one penis that an entire village has to share between them!
Foxxy: And in Bangkok-
Clara: Okay, I get the idea. Fine, you guys win. I'll sit back down on the couch and we'll finish watching American Dad, okay?
Hero: Sounds great!
Clara sits back down.
Hayley: (on TV) Oh my God! Roger has two penises!
Roger: Why? How many do you earthlings have?
Clara raises one eyebrow at Foxxy. Foxxy shrugs. The scene cuts to Spanky and Wooldoor in the bedroom watching a movie.
Wooldoor: So you really think that watching pornography is a better pastime than playing with toy animals?
Spanky: Unless the toy is a blow-up doll and the animal is a naked chick, then yes.
Wooldoor nods. The two watch the movie. There is a very brief shot of the screen. Little can be seen, but it is clear that two women are having sex.
Sheryl: (on TV) Oh, Lisa, you're so hot!
Lisa: (on TV) No, Sheryl, YOU'RE so hot!
Sheryl: (on TV) No, Lisa, YOU'RE so hot!
Lisa: (on TV) Oh, just shut up and do me already!
Wooldoor: Are these women lesbians?
Spanky: Well, yeah!
Wooldoor: I don't get it. Then why aren't they sporting short spiky haircuts, wearing flannel, and listening to the Indigo Girls? Isn't that what lesbians do?
Spanky: Well, yes.
Wooldoor: But these women don't do any of that.
Spanky: Yes, well... these women... are a KIND of lesbian.
Wooldoor: What kind? The fake kind?
Spanky: I prefer to think of it like this. Now normally, these women are attractive, feminine, heterosexual women, just like the beauties that we're used to seeing in this house every day!
Wooldoor: I don't think the girls are here, Spanky.
Spanky: I know, but I like to cover myself in case they ever happen to be eavesdropping. But anyway, you could say that these women are nominally straight, and thus embody all the feminine qualities that men find attractive in your typical "womany" type woman.
Wooldoor: So why are they having sex with each other?
Spanky: It has to do with the particular societal structure in which these films take place. Now if you've been watching, I'm sure you'll have noticed that there are no men in this picture.
Wooldoor: (realizing Spanky is right) That's true!
Spanky: So if one desires sex with men, but there are no men about, then what other option does one have but to try to seek fulfillment with others of the same persuasion?
Wooldoor: Well, there are always vibrators and strap-ons!
Spanky: Yeah, but that's a whole other video series.
Wooldoor: I see.
Spanky: So it's not that these women deliberately seek out sexual experiences with each other. They're just... victims of an imbalanced penis allocation.
Foxxy (in confessional): (sneering) Oh, now, you guys did that on purpose!
Wooldoor: Wow! You're smart, Spanky!
Spanky: I know.
The two go back to watching the movie. After a moment, Wooldoor pipes up.
Wooldoor: You know, I don't think Clara would want me watching this kind of thing.
Spanky: Well, duh!
Wooldoor: (turning to Spanky) You think I should go and ask her if it's okay?
Spanky: Oh, why bother? She's probably busy watching some G-rated thing with lots of adorable puppies and kittens.
Cut back to the living room.
Steve: (on TV) Roger! How could you make a porn movie using all those adorable puppies and kittens I adopted?
Roger: (on TV) Furry porn is really big these days, Steve!
Klaus: (on TV) Personally, I don't think it would have been so bad if he hadn't included the scene with the rabbit "just for variety".
Hayley: (on TV) This is really messed up, you guys. This whole movie you made, Roger, is a violation of these animals' basic rights!
Clara: You know, the more I see of Hayley, the more sense she seems to make!
Hayley: (on TV) Now let's get back to talking about free love and how much organized religion sucks!
Clara: I was asking for that one, wasn't I? (Toot nods.)
The show goes to commercial. The Child Services Woman comes on the air.
Child Services: (on TV) Hi. Do you want to make more money? I can help you with that! In fact, I can make you a millionaire! How? It's simple! They say that the cost of raising a child to age 18 is approximately one million dollars. So all you have to do is be such a bad parent that I'll come and take your baby away and that's a million dollars in your pocket 18 years down the road right there! Plus, you didn't really want that kid ruining your lives anyway, did you? So come on, slack off on the parenting and give me something to do! It's more ethical than abortion and more legal than infanticide! And unlike the time-honored approach of leaving it on somebody's doorstep, having it taken away by US removes the possibility of it having wacky adventures being raised by three bachelors. So in short, if you're a parent... watch yourself. (She leans toward the camera and whispers ominously.) Cause I know where you live!
The four sit stunned. One by one, Clara, Toot, and Hero all turn toward Foxxy.
Clara: Wow, Foxxy!
Toot: It's almost like that commercial was being targeted directly at you!
Foxxy: Oh, that's ridiculous, y'all!
Child Services: (on TV) Did you get that... Foxxy Love? (The Child Services woman straightens up in her chair and straightens her glasses.)
Foxxy: (at the TV) Oh, just shut the hell up!
Toot: Oh my God, you guys. Now I'm starting to get worried.
Clara: Me too.
Foxxy: That's ridiculous, y'all! Now I know I may have lost a lot of kids in the past, but there ain't no way Child Services is gonna show up to try to take THIS baby away!
Clara: How do you know?
Foxxy: Well, for one thing, I won't be raising this one alone! It'll have Captain Hero looking after it, too!
Child Services: (on TV, talking to someone off to the side) What? She's with Captain Hero now? Oh, God, I'd better get down there DOUBLE quick, in that case!
Foxxy: God, that's one bitch who needs to get laid bad.
Clara: Actually, you guys... I think I know of a way you can stay out of her path of destruction.
Toot: Raise the kid right?
Clara: Yeah, well... that'll help, sure. But what I was thinking... you just need to name somebody godparent! If Child Services knows that you have somebody trustworthy backing you up, they'll cut you some slack!
Hero: Hey, that's a good idea!
Foxxy: Plus, if they DO end up taking the baby away- (She cuts herself off and turns to the others.) Not saying I would ever do anything that would warrant it. But knowing my reputation-
Toot: Yeah. They may not even give you a CHANCE to raise THIS one right!
Foxxy: At least this way, if they DO take the baby away, I know it'll end up in the hands of somebody I know.
Clara: Exactly!
Hero: So who do you think it should be, Foxxy? Your parents? My parents? Stabby Pete, the hobo?
Toot: Ohhhhh. I love Pete! He was the one who taught me how to shiv my gynecologist! (The others look at Toot.) But I don't know if he'd be the best person to raise your baby.
Foxxy: Actually, what I was thinking... if we named one of our housemates as godparent and they took it away... the baby would get to keep living in the house with us!
Hero: It would be like they never took the baby away at all!
Clara: (to Toot) Is that really how adoption works?
Toot: (to Clara) For the purposes of this story, it is!
Foxxy: (to Hero) So who should the godparent be, you think? (At that moment, we hear a sound from offscreen.)
Wooldoor: (offscreen) Ooh! Ooh! (Wooldoor comes rushing into the room.) I wanna do it!
Hero: Well, Wooldoor, we all want to "do it". Well... maybe not Clara.
Cut to Clara in the confessional. She is standing in front of a chalkboard. On the left side of the chalkboard is written "Jokes made about Foxxy being a slut". Underneath the caption is a whole bunch of score marks. On the right side of the chalkboard is written "Jokes made about Clara being a prude". Underneath the caption is a slightly higher number of score marks. Clara adds a mark to the right hand side of the board and sits down in the confessional chair.
Clara (in confessional): (becoming irritated) You know, there was a time in this country where having sex outside of marriage was considered the most heinous sin one could commit. Now I'm not saying that society is still like that. Nor do I wish to judge the sexually promiscuous. I just think that those of us who were raised to believe in old-fashioned values have the right not to be-
At that moment, Clara's diatribe is interrupted by a creaking sound behind her. Clara turns toward the chalkboard. The board teeters and falls off the wall. It lands on the floor with the reverse side facing up. At the top of the reverse side of the board is written "Jokes made about Toot being ugly and/or fat". The entire rest of the board is covered top to bottom and end to end with score marks. Clara gives the camera a look that seems to say "Do you believe this?". The scene changes back to the present.
Wooldoor: No! I mean, I wanna be godfather!
Foxxy: Godfather? You?
Wooldoor: Are you saying I wouldn't do a good job at it, Foxxy?
Foxxy: Well, no, it's just that... well... you're kind of still a kid yourself, Wooldoor!
Wooldoor: But I'm great with kids! I babysit for Clara all the time!
Clara: Wooldoor, you watched my CAT!
Wooldoor: Well...
Clara: And that cat died three years ago!
Wooldoor: Really? Wow, no wonder I've had such an easy time of it lately! (He quickly turns back to Foxxy. At this point, the camera cuts to Spanky walking down the stairs. He overhears the conversation in the living room.) So what do you say, Foxxy?
Foxxy: Wooldoor, I don't know.
Wooldoor: Oh, come on, Foxxy, please? Come on! I'd make a great godfather!
Spanky: (to himself) Wait a minute. Wooldoor? Godfather? That's ridiculous! I look a lot more like Marlon Brando than HE does!
Spanky enters the living room where we see the others conversing.
Foxxy: I'll think about it, Wooldoor. All right?
Wooldoor: All right. (Wooldoor sees that Spanky has entered and turns to him excitedly.) Hey, Spanky, guess what? There's a chance I might get to be the godfather of Foxxy and Hero's baby!
Spanky: Sorry, Wooldoor. Not a chance. (He looks at Foxxy and Hero.) Foxxy. Hero. I think you should make ME the godfather of your child. (He points to himself.)
Foxxy: Oh, my!
Clara: Hey!
Foxxy: Just add it to my tab! (to Spanky) Are you serious, Spanky? Do you really want to be the godfather of our child?
Spanky: And why is that so hard to believe?
Foxxy: Oh, it's nothing. It's just that... you never really struck me as much of a family man.
Spanky: Foxxy... I believe that... (he begins imitating Brando) a man who doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man.
Clara: (to Toot) Why do guys always do this any time the word "godfather" is mentioned?
Foxxy: I don't know. You both have strengths and weaknesses. It's hard for me to decide between you.
Spanky: (still imitating Brando) Don't go against the family, Foxxy. You want, I take real good care of your kid. I treat the kid like family, you know... I can make sure he gets anything he wants. But you cross me... I could make life very hard for you. Capische?
Hero: You're not godfather YET, Spanky.
Spanky: (imitating Brando) I really don't think you should be arguing with me on that one, Hero.
Foxxy: I'll tell you guys what. You both seem very earnest and equally capable. I'm sure we couldn't go wrong with either one of you. Why don't you guys work out for yourselves who should be godfather?
Spanky: (momentarily dropping the Brando impression) All right. If that's the way you want it. But just so you know- (He points a finger directly in Foxxy's face and resumes his Brando impression.) I tend to get what I want. You know what I'm saying?
Foxxy: Yes, Spanky. I think I do.
Spanky: (straightening a phantom tie) Good. As long as we're clear on that one. (Spanky turns and starts to walk out. He momentarily stops and addresses Wooldoor.) Sometime later, the two of us need to have a little talk. You know what I'm saying? (Wooldoor nods fearfully. Spanky nods in acknowledgement and leaves. Wooldoor follows behind him. The others turn and look at each other.)
Clara: Oh... my... God.
Foxxy: Yeah.
Clara: I guess we'd better brace ourselves.
Foxxy: Yup.
Toot: There are gonna be a LOT of bad Brando impressions in this house over the next few days.
Clara: That seems a pretty safe bet.
Toot: So anyway. (She turns to the others.) Forgive me for being dense here.
Clara: Why shouldn't we? We forgave you all those other times! (She immediately adopts a celebratory mood and holds her hand out in anticipation of a high five.) Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Who's the man? (Nobody responds.) Come on, guys, throw me a bone here. I don't get many of these moments. (The others nod in acknowledgement and high five Clara in turn, although none of them puts a full effort into it. However, Clara seems satisfied.)
Toot: As I was saying. Forgive me for being dense, but... what exactly does a godfather DO, anyway?
Hero: Uh uh. You can stop right there, Missy! No freakin' WAY are we going to let YOU do it, Toot!
Toot: (confused) What?
Hero: I want my kid to be big and tall! If you and Marty raise it, it'll grow up to be a shortie!
Toot: (dryly) Yeah. Cause height is something you can teach.
Hero picks up a glass on the table, then hesitates.
Hero: I'm not going to get short by drinking out of the same glass as you, am I?
Toot glares at Hero, then thrusts her hand up at him. We cannot see her gesture because it is pixellated, but Hero recoils in horror.
Hero: Oh, my God! Toot, that was very uncalled for!
Clara: Toot, did you just flip Hero the bird?
Toot: Of course not! I just showed him this festering blister I have on my finger! (She shows her hand to Clara. Clara is grossed out.) They pixellated it cause it's really, really gross to look at.
Hero: Ewww! Get that ugly sore away from me!
Clara: Wait. After all the crap they show on here uncensored, they go and pixellate your BLISTER?
Toot: Rule of Funny, Clara.
Clara: Ah.
Toot: But back to the subject at hand. I'm not nominating myself for the position or anything, I'd just kind of like to know exactly what a godfather does.
Foxxy: Well, they take care of the kid if something happens to the parents. That's the main thing.
Toot: Right.
Foxxy: And it's not an official "duty", per se, but the godfather generally takes a special interest in the child's upbringing and personal development.
Toot: Right. Right.
Hero: Oh, yeah. And he has to hold the child at the bris.
Clara: Okay, then count ME out.
Toot: Me too!
Foxxy: That last part's just hypothetical, you guys. You wouldn't have to worry about that unless we were actually HAVING a bris!
Hero: Wait. (A look of concern crosses his face. He turns to Foxxy.) You mean... we're not?
Foxxy: We are?
Hero: Well, the baby WILL be Jewish, Foxxy. I guess I just assumed-
Foxxy: Oh, right. I didn't think of that, y'all.
Hero: Did you not want to have one?
Foxxy: Well... I guess we could.
Hero: You seem hesitant.
Foxxy: I guess the possibility didn't really hit me until now. But I guess if the baby is Jewish, we pretty much have to.
Toot: Technically not.
Foxxy: What's that?
Toot: Well, according to Jewish law, the Jewish heritage is passed through the bloodline of the mother. And since you're not Jewish, Foxxy, the baby wouldn't technically be Jewish either. You could still RAISE the child as Jewish if you wanted... it would pretty much be your call.
Foxxy: I see. In that case, then... I think I'd rather he not have one.
Hero: (slightly alarmed) No?
Foxxy: Why? Did YOU want him to have one?
Hero: Well... I guess. I mean... I just kind of always assumed he would.
Foxxy: Well... I guess we could get one. If it's that important to you.
Hero: I mean, if you have some objection, Foxxy, then by all means, we won't get one.
Foxxy: Oh, no, Hero. If you have some special reason for wanting him to have one, I don't want to disrespect that.
Toot: (to Clara) Oh, God. This is the most indecisive I've ever seen these two. I'm serious, if this keeps up much longer, I'm going to smack someone!
Clara: (to Toot) You want to ditch this story?
Toot: Good idea! Hey, I know! Let's go back to the basement! I've thought of some awesome improvements we can make to our potato gun!
Clara: Cool! Let's go!
As Clara and Toot take off for the basement, Hero and Foxxy continue to discuss.
Hero: I just feel like it would be disrespectful of my heritage for him not to have one.
Foxxy: That's fine. And I respect that. It's just that-
Hero: It's just that what?
Foxxy: Well... I guess you could say I's just squeamish of the whole procedure. Ever since I lost one of my kids in a tragic circumcision accident.
Foxxy (in confessional): Who do you THINK I'm talking about?
Hero: Well, Foxxy, if you think it's too brutal, we won't do it.
Foxxy: Thank you, Hero.
Hero: I guess I'll just have to get used to the idea of my kid not being like me. (Foxxy looks down and sighs.)
Spanky (in confessional): I was determined to be godfather at all costs. So I felt the time had come (he goes back into Brando mode) to make Wooldoor an offer he couldn't refuse.
Cut to Spanky's bedroom. The room is completely dark. Spanky has moved his computer desk so that it faces the entrance to the bedroom. He has pushed the computer to the side of the desk so as to allow himself a clear view of the person he is talking to. A high backed chair sits behind the desk, facing away from the door. There is a knock at the door.
Spanky: (now pretty much completely stuck in Brando mode) Come in.
A nervous hand cautiously opens the door.
Wooldoor: You wanted to see me, Spanky?
Spanky: Yes, Wooldoor. Come on in and have a seat.
Wooldoor walks up to the desk and sits down. Spanky wheels around in his chair. He is now wearing a black suit. In his left arm, he is holding a very disgruntled looking Ling-Ling and stroking him like a cat with his other arm.
Wooldoor: Thanks, Spanky.
Spanky: Wooldoor, I'm going to get right to the point. I would make a better godfather for Foxxy's baby than you. I think it would be in your best interests for you to step aside and let me have that honor.
Wooldoor: Why would I want to do that?
Spanky: Wooldoor, you run a medical practice, right?
Wooldoor: Right.
Spanky: It strikes me that it would be very difficult for you to treat patients if your medical license were to somehow get... let's just say... revoked.
Wooldoor: Oh. Well, that would suck, but it wouldn't be the end of the world. I mean, I have other professions, too. I could just forget about medicine and concentrate on one of them.
Spanky: But what if the time were to come when you needed to be a doctor again? Like say, a very important patient shows up bleeding on your door one day. A patient with two broken legs, perhaps.
Wooldoor: Well, that would suck for him, but it wouldn't be any skin off MY back!
Spanky: I don't think you understand me, son. This patient is someone who would be very close to you. Someone you would have a direct interest in wanting to help. Someone you love almost as much as you love... (Spanky reaches across the desk and grabs Wooldoor by the collar, pulling him up to his own face. Right in Wooldoor's face, he looks Wooldoor directly in the eye and continues.)... yourself!
Wooldoor: Spanky... are you talking about ME?
Spanky: (letting Wooldoor go and using his free hand to deliver a hard smack to Ling-Ling's back) No, stupid, I'm talking about Fluffy here!
Ling-Ling: (jerking up in pain) Hey! What honorable pig demon think he doing? That not part of deal!
Spanky: (still imitating Brando) You want those pictures I took of Clara in her underwear?
Ling-Ling: (still annoyed, but resigning himself to his duty) Fine.
Spanky: Wooldoor, what I'm saying to you... this is a difficult world we live in. Accidents happen.
Wooldoor: They sure do!
Spanky: You take care of me, and I'll return the favor in kind. You know what I'm saying?
Wooldoor: (He nods his head and smiles for a moment, then stops.) No.
Spanky: You look out for me and I'll do the same for you. I'll make sure that none of those... "accidents"... will affect YOU. Or those you love. Capische?
Wooldoor: Oh... now I get it! In order to ensure that an "accident"... doesn't happen to me or somebody I'm close to... I just have to make sure YOUR interests are looked out for!
Spanky: I'm glad we could clear this up. (He extends his hand to Wooldoor.) So do we have a deal?
Wooldoor: (shaking Spanky's hand) We've got a deal, Spanky!
Spanky smiles. Wooldoor gets up and happily trots out of the room.
Wooldoor: (as he is leaving) That was close! For a minute I thought he was going to make me give up being godfather!
Wooldoor is gone. Spanky scowls. He remains petting Ling-Ling.
Ling-Ling: (thoroughly tired of the charade) Can Ling-Ling go now?
Spanky: (momentarily breaking character) Oh. Right. Sorry.
Spanky takes his hands off Ling-Ling. Ling-Ling gets up and scampers away like a cat. As Spanky continues to scowl, the scene changes back to Hero and Foxxy in the living room.
Foxxy: I hear that having one makes sex more pleasurable! (Hero looks at her curiously.) Yes, I'm the kind of parent who thinks about that sort of thing.
Hero: So... if you have one... that makes it better?
Foxxy: Apparently the tip rubbing against the head creates extra friction and enhances pleasure. Not to mention that if it's cloaked all the time, that thing's gonna be more sensitive to begin with.
Hero: Really? So... if you've already had it done, can you get one put back on?
Foxxy: I don't think so.
Hero: (looking up at the sky and shaking his fist) Goddamn you, Daddy! (turning back to Foxxy) Then I guess it's settled. We won't have it done.
Foxxy: Okay, then! Wait. Now that I think about it... I have heard that it's supposed to be more hygenic if you're cut.
Hero: How so?
Foxxy: Like, if you keep your hood, that place can a breeding ground for all kinds of bacteria.
Hero: Ewwwww! I don't want my son to have a moldy penis! Unless that makes the sex more pleasurable? (Foxxy shakes her head.) Then we definitely will have it done!(He looks up at the sky again.) Thank you, Daddy! (He turns back to Foxxy.)
Foxxy: Of course, it won't necessarily HAVE to be moldy.
Hero: Then we won't do it!
Foxxy: He'll just have to be careful to wash that area every time he bathes!
Hero: Then in that case, the bris is back on! (Foxxy looks at him questioningly.) That could be embarrassing, Foxxy! "I'm sorry I was late for work today, Mr. Stevens, but I had to wash my peepee!" Plus, that part kind of stings when you put soap and deodorant on it. No, Foxxy. I don't want my son to have a moldy penis, and I don't want him to have to scrub his penis, either! Although... hmm... scrubbing your penis... now that's an idea that never occurred to me before! Foxxy, I'm going to run upstairs for a moment. I think I need to take a quick shower!
Cut to the bathroom upstairs. We hear Captain Hero's voice coming from inside the running shower.
Hero: (voice) Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah, this is nice!
Clara (in confessional): Oh, dear God, I can't believe they actually showed it!
Hero: (voice) Oh, my God! Oh, I never realized how good scrubbing your member feels! Especially if it's already cut! Oh, yeah, I'm definitely going to make my son have a bris now! Although... if he HAS a bris, it'll be clean... so he won't NEED to scrub it. But if he doesn't have a bris, then he WILL need to scrub it, only... it won't feel as good. Damn! Now I'm right back to square one!
As Hero continues to ponder, we see Xandir, wearing a towel around his head and clad only in the bottom half of a leopard print bikini, walk up to the running shower.
Xandir: Hero! Get out of the shower! It's my turn!
Hero: Later, Xandir, I'm busy! (He resumes his previous train of thought.) Although he could just pull the skin back and scrub it with his other hand... but then, he won't have a hand free to-
Xandir: Hero, if you don't get out of the shower right now, I'm coming in with you!
Immediately, Hero is out of the shower in a flash.
Hero: All yours!
As Xandir steps into the shower, Hero dashes out of the room as quickly as he can. The scene fades. The scene fades back up on a shot of Wooldoor sleeping peacefully in bed. It is the following morning.
Wooldoor (in confessional): I woke up that day feeling great! ... And a little bit plagiaristic!
The scene changes back to Wooldoor in bed. He wakes up and stretches his arms with a big smile on his face.
Wooldoor: Oh, what a beautiful day! Isn't it, Winny? (He becomes concerned and looks off to the side.) Winny? (We see a closeup of the farm playset. Winny the horse is conspicuously absent. Wooldoor shrieks.) Winny? (Wooldoor inexplicably turns down the covers on the bed next to him. There he sees the decapitated head of his horse figurine.) OH MY GOD!!! (Wooldoor runs out of the room screaming.) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Cut to Hero and Foxxy in bed together. They are still discussing the circumcision issue.
Hero: I hear that if you don't have it done, you can't get into Jew heaven!
Foxxy: Well, that's okay. The baby can go to Christian heaven.
Hero: Really? You guys have one too? (Foxxy nods.) Oh, wow! (Hero looks at Foxxy.) Okay, then. We WON'T circumcize our baby!
Foxxy: Are you sure about that?
Hero: (despairingly) No! (Foxxy pats Hero on the back comfortingly. He turns to her.) So anyway, we've been talking about this long enough. Let's just go ahead and have sex and then go to bed like we planned.
Foxxy: Um, Hero? I think it's morning.
Hero: (alarmed) Morning?
Foxxy: Yeah. In just a few minutes, it'll be time to go to breakfast!
Hero: Oh, wow!
Foxxy: (She shrugs.) But that's okay. I guess we'll just be a little late!
As Foxxy and Hero grab each other passionately, the scene quickly cuts to black. A caption appears which reads "20 minutes later". The scene then cuts to Hero and Foxxy in bed, both now fast asleep. The scene changes to the basement downstairs.
Toot: (holding the new, improved potato gun) Now, then! Just put that Pringle down the suction tube and we're ready to go!
Clara puts the Pringle down the tube of the gun. The gun immediately fires a massive blast right through the basement wall. Clara and Toot both cautiously peer into the hole to the outside.
Clara: Oh, my God! Is that... daylight? (She turns to Toot in disbelief.) Have we been at this all night?
Toot: I guess time really flies when you're trying to dodge the main story!
Clara: Oh, my God! Ling-Ling! Oh, I hope he didn't wait up for me!
Cut to Clara's bedroom. Ling-Ling sits somberly in the bed alone, surrounded by seemingly the entire contents of Clara's laundry hamper. He pulls out a pair of panties, sniffs them sadly, and puts them down. He sighs. The scene changes back to the basement.
Clara: Oh, God, how am I ever going to make this up to him?
Toot: Just tell him you spent the night with me!
Clara: (glaring at Toot) Toot... you know what he's going to think if I tell him that.
Toot: Right... and...
Clara: Toot, are you serious?
Toot: Hey, I think putting THAT little fantasy in his head will MORE than make up for you ditching him last night!
Clara: (eyeing Toot curiously) You really think a lot of yourself, don't you?
Toot: Well... (she straightens her posture and holds her arms out in a modeling pose)... if you had THIS kind of hotness going on, wouldn't you?
Clara: Of course. What was I thinking? (Toot smiles.) I know what I'll do. I'll go tell him I'm going to do that thing that I swore I wouldn't do unless it was his birthday!
Toot: Take him to Disneyland?
Clara: Well, duh! (Clara turns and begins to walk back upstairs.)
Cut to the kitchen table. Xandir sits alone eating cereal.
Xandir: It's time for breakfast! Where IS everybody?
Cut to Spanky's bedroom. Spanky slowly wakes up and stretches. There is a big smile on his face. He stretches some more and gets out of bed. He walks over to the window. There he sees Wooldoor digging in the flower garden. He grins again.
Spanky: (still imitating Brando) Looks like Wooldoor is about to learn what happens when you go against the family! (Spanky begins to get back into his Don Vito suit.)
Wooldoor (in confessional): I was completely distressed by Winny's sudden death. I knew that there was nothing in the world that could bring poor Winny back. Well, nothing except Krazy Glue, but we were all out and I didn't really feel like running out to the store to get more. Plus, I'm saving up for a new beanie cap, so I'm trying to be really careful about how I spend my money at the moment. So I did the only thing I could and decided to give poor Winny a proper burial.
Cut to Wooldoor digging in the garden with a toy shovel. As Wooldoor digs, Spanky walks up behind him threateningly. He stops and looks at Wooldoor, peeling an orange ominously.
Wooldoor: (digging) I'm going to bury you in your favorite spot, Winny. Right under the rose bush where you were born. Well, actually, you were born in a factory in Taiwan, but the rose bush is where you were REALLY born. (Wooldoor starts to dig, but he finds an obstruction in the dirt.) Wait a minute. What the hell is this? It looks like something else is buried here already! (Wooldoor unearths the object. It is a package of some sort. Wooldoor unwraps it. It is a plastic fish wrapped up in a miniature cloth vest.) Oh my God! It's Fishy the fish all wrapped up in Cowboy Pete's cowboy vest! (Spanky makes his presence known to Wooldoor.)
Spanky: (walking up to Wooldoor, still imitating Brando) You understand the message I'm trying to send to you, Wooldoor? Let's just say that little gift was my way of telling you that Cowboy Pete is now sleeping with the fishes! Capische?
Wooldoor: When will it stop, Spanky? First Winny... then Cowboy Pete... when will it stop?
Spanky: It'll stop- (with his knife, he slices a piece of orange peel and flicks it in Wooldoor's direction)- when you step aside and admit that I'm the only godfather in this house! Or else- (he holds the orange up to Wooldoor's face and slices off another piece of peel and flicks it at Wooldoor)- remember what I was telling you about an unfortunate accident taking place? (He traces the blade of the knife across the remains of the orange in a manner suggestive of someone's throat being cut.) Capische? (Wooldoor, however, is not afraid.)
Wooldoor: (smacking the orange out of Spanky's hand) Never! I'm going to be godfather, Spanky, and there isn't anybody on this earth who can make me give up on that dream!
Spanky: Oh, yeah? Well, what about a big, scary... (He turns away from Wooldoor, then turns back. He has now placed an orange peel in his mouth.)... MONSTER? (Wooldoor's eyes grow huge. Spanky lifts his arms in the air threateningly and growls.) Grrrrrrrrrrrr!
Wooldoor: (freaking out again) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! (He turns around and begins to run.) I know it's just Spanky and not a real monster, but I still choose to run! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Wooldoor runs out of the garden screaming. Spanky chases after him, still growling like a monster. However, as he is running, something suddenly comes over Spanky. He stops running, puts his hand to his chest, and collapses. The orange peel falls out of Spanky's mouth as he falls. Spanky lies motionless on the ground for a moment. After a few seconds, he gets back up.
Spanky: (still clutching his chest, momentarily dropping the Brando voice) Wow, I think I've got heartburn or something. Damn, I knew I shouldn't have had that extra burrito last night!
Spanky gets up, brushes himself off, and continues on his way. The scene changes to the living room. Hero and Foxxy are coming down the stairs.
Hero: I hear the procedure nowadays is 60% safer than it used to be!
Foxxy: So there are still fatalities?
Hero: I wouldn't call them fatalities, per se... (They are now at the bottom of the stairs. They stop to continue their discussion.)
Foxxy: Well, what if the knife would happen to slip? Would you be prepared to live with that?
Hero: Well, no. You know what, Foxxy? Forget it. We won't have it done! I'll just have to tell my father that he and his Jewish heritage can go to hell! (He looks up at the sky.) You hear that, Daddy?
Foxxy: Hero, why do you keep looking up at the sky? Your father ain't dead!
Hero: Oh, is that what that means? I thought it was because it meant that our fathers are symbolically taller than us.
Foxxy: Look, Hero. You won't say so in so many words, but it's clear that you feel an obligation to carry on your family legacy. So we'll have it done. It's no big deal.
Hero: Thank you, Foxxy.
Foxxy: We won't even give a second thought to having some stranger take a knife to our son's peepee and whack off a piece off of it!
Hero: Well, when you put it that way...
Foxxy: No. (She slaps herself.) I won't let myself think about that. We've finally made a decision and I'm going to force myself to stick to it. Even if it means suppressing any thought I ever had about... (she begins to choke up)... what happened to... (she begins taking deeper and deeper breaths)... poor little...
Hero: Timmy?
Foxxy completely loses it. She buries her face in her hands and begins crying. Hero looks at Foxxy for a moment and then walks over to her. He puts his arm around her to comfort her.
Hero: It's okay, Foxxy. We won't do it. Tribute to my ancestors or not, I'm not going to risk putting you through that again. We'll call off the bris.
Foxxy: (her tears beginning to dry) Really, Hero? (He nods.) Thank you. (Foxxy straightens up and regains her composure.) Although now that I think about it, maybe what happened to Timmy wasn't so much the result of it being a brutal procedure as it was that the doctor who did it was stinking drunk and not even properly licensed in the first place.
Hero: I could have told you not to get your circumcision done at that place in the mall! (Foxxy nods.) Okay, it's settled, then. We'll do it.
Foxxy: Now hold on! Now it's true that having our bris performed by a properly certified and sober professional will ensure that the baby doesn't get harmed... that still don't mean I want to do it!
Hero: (frustrated) Oh, crap.
At this moment, Wooldoor comes tearing through the living room with Spanky hot on his heels. They both zip right past Foxxy and Hero and quickly fade from view. A moment later, they pass right back through the living room again and just as quickly fade again from view. Foxxy and Hero look at each other, then turn and wait. When the two race through the living room a third time, Foxxy reaches out and grabs Wooldoor while Hero does the same to Spanky.
Foxxy: All right, y'all. What the hell is going on here?
Wooldoor: Spanky's chasing me!
Foxxy: (making the donkey face) Uh duhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (She resumes her normal face.) Now, look, you two. While we is flattered that the both of y'all want to be godfather, this will just not do.
Spanky: (still imitating Brando) Dear lady, I was just trying to teach this misguided-
Foxxy: Oh, cut the stupid Marlon Brando impression, Spanky! It wasn't funny the first 50 times you did it, it ain't funny here, neither!
Spanky: (dropping the impression) Sorry.
Foxxy: In fact, this whole shtick of yours is treading dangerously close to that rule we have against doing movie parodies. So you'd better drop the whole thing right now before I do to you what they did to Michael Corleone!
Spanky: What are you talking about? Michael became the new don and eventually died of old age.
Foxxy: Well, which one was it that they shot in the back of the head and then threw him off the boat?
Spanky: Oh, that was Fredo!
Foxxy: Right. Well, I'm gonna do to you what they did to Fredo!
Spanky: Okay, okay! Sorry!
Foxxy: Now, then, since it's clear that neither of y'all has the maturity to decide this for yourselves, I'm just gonna have to take the decision out of y'all's hands.
Spanky and Wooldoor: (simultaneously) Awwwwww!
Foxxy: We'll decide it this way. Hero and I are trying to decide a certain issue. Whichever one of you can help us come to a decision will get to be godfather. (Hero and Foxxy put Spanky and Wooldoor down.)
Spanky: All right.
Wooldoor: Sounds fair.
Spanky: So what's the issue?
Foxxy: We're trying to decide whether or not to have our baby circumcised whenever it's born.
Spanky: Circumcised?
Hero: That's right.
Spanky: Are you sure that's even going to be an issue?
Hero: What do you mean?
Spanky: I mean... you haven't even had the sonogram yet. The baby could be a girl, for all you know!
Hero: (skeptically) A girl? Why, that's- (Suddenly, a realization hits him. He and Foxxy look at each other. Their faces light up.) Foxxy... he's right!
Foxxy: It could BE a girl!
Hero: I hear that there's better than a 50% chance of that happening!
Foxxy: That's what I hear too!
Hero: Okay, then... new plan! We're going to ignore the whole circumcision issue and put all our energy into praying that the baby is a girl!
Foxxy: I'm gonna go ask Clara if she has any praying tips!
Hero: (smiling at Spanky) Thanks, Spanky! You're going to make a great godfather someday!
Spanky: (imitating Brando once again) I'm glad you finally came to your senses regarding my magnanimous offer, Captain-
Foxxy: Fredo!
Spanky: (dropping the impression) Right. Sorry.
Hero: (taking Foxxy's hand) Foxxy... let's go upstairs and celebrate our decision by having sex!
Foxxy: But Hero, we just had- oh, like I need to justify it!
Both smiling, they turn and head back upstairs. Wooldoor and Spanky stand alone in the living room. Wooldoor is sad. Spanky turns to him.
Wooldoor: (sighing) Darn. I really wanted to be godfather. I think I would have done a good job at it if they'd just given me a chance.
Spanky: Yeah, maybe you're right, Wooldoor. (A thought occurs to Spanky.) You know, Wooldoor... Foxxy and Hero may have named me godfather... but as far as I can tell, there's still another position open. (Wooldoor looks at Spanky.) God... MOTHER!
Wooldoor: (his face lighting up) Hey, you're right! You can be godfather and I can be godmother! We'd make an AWESOME team!
Spanky: We sure would, kid. (He puts his arm around Wooldoor.) We sure would.
Wooldoor: I just hope this whole job isn't too much for me to handle. I mean, what if I'm not up to the responsibility?
Spanky: What responsibility? Being a godparent is easy! You just show up at a few birthday parties, give the kid some nice stuff, maybe send him a Christmas card every once in a while, and that's it! There's no real "responsibility" to it. It's more of an honor than anything else!
Wooldoor: Is that why you wanted to do it?
Spanky: You really think I *wanted* to get stuck raising someone else's kid?
Wooldoor: Ohhhhhhh!
Spanky: I mean, sure, there's the odd chance that you'll have to take custody of the kid if something happens to the parents, but come on, how often does something like that ever happen, really? Believe me, Wooldoor, there's no better kind of promise to make than a promise you know you probably won't ever have to make good on!
At that moment, Foxxy and Hero pop their heads back into the scene real quick.
Foxxy: Oh, Spanky? Since the baby is probably gonna be born before it's time for me and Hero to get married, we was thinking you could look after it on our honeymoon!
Hero: We're gonna be gone for three whole weeks! (Spanky becomes alarmed.)
Foxxy: We WAS just gonna leave it with my parents, but since you was so eager to be godfather, we figured it would mean a lot more to YOU to watch it.
Spanky: (through clenched teeth) Right. Of course.
Hero: Hey, I have an idea! Why don't we make Spanky our permanent go-to babysitter whenever we want to go out for the night? (Spanky winces.)
Foxxy: Oooooh, that's a good idea!
Hero: And since he's the baby's godfather, we technically don't even have to pay him! (Spanky's eyes are wide and his jaw is hanging open.)
Foxxy: Hero, I must be rubbing off on you cause you just keep getting smarter and smarter!
Hero: Thanks, Foxxy! Now let's get back to having sex!
In a flash, they are gone again. Wooldoor looks at Spanky, who is thoroughly unamused. Spanky turns to Wooldoor.
Spanky: Wooldoor, are you sure you don't-
Wooldoor: (holds his hands out to distance himself from the whole idea as he turns to walk away) No freakin' way, man!
Wooldoor walks out of the room. Spanky stands fuming. He curls his fingers into the shape of a gun and mimes shooting himself in the head. The scene fades.
THE END
The show opens on a long shot of the house. The scene cuts to the interior, where we see Wooldoor and Spanky in Spanky's room upstairs. Spanky sits on the bed reading a magazine while Wooldoor is on the floor playing with some toys. He has a miniature farm playset set up, complete with a plastic barn, plastic fence, and all sorts of small animal figurines.
Wooldoor: (playing with his cow figure) And Mooey the cow goes moo! (He picks up a sheep with his other hand.) And Sherman the sheep goes baa! (He begins walking the two figures toward each other.) And Sherman the sheep milks Mooey the cow in the meadow! (He sets down a small stool in front of the cow and sets the sheep down on top of the stool. He begins to simulate the sheep milking the cow. Spanky looks up from his magazine skeptically.) And then Mooey the cow shears Sherman the sheep! (He gets out a tiny pair of shears and makes the cow shear the sheep.) Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! (He then removes the sheep figure and replaces it with another one that is shorn.) Why, Sherman! You're naked!
Spanky: Wooldoor, that doesn't even make sense. Why is the COW shearing the sheep? And why is the sheep milking the cow? Shouldn't the farmer be doing all that?
Wooldoor: Ideally, yes. But unfortunately, Cowboy Pete is very lazy and shiftless and has a bit of a drinking problem, so the farm animals have had to learn to do everything for themselves. (Spanky rolls his eyes and returns to his magazine. Wooldoor, still holding the sheep, picks up a goat.) And now Gregory the goat is going to teach Sherman the sheep how to make cheese out of his own milk! (He walks the two figures over to a small building next to the barn and begins to imitate the goat.) Here's the factory, Sherman! Step inside and I'll show you how to work the conveyer belt! (Wooldoor walks the two figures inside the factory.) Let me show you where the lounge is in case you need to take a smoke break! (As Wooldoor continues to move the figures around, Spanky puts down his magazine in irritation.)
Spanky: Wooldoor, do you mind? I'm trying to look at porn here!
Wooldoor: You're looking at porn?
Spanky: Yes.
Wooldoor: But... you're fully clothed.
Spanky: Yeah, I'm trying something new. I want to see if I can give myself an orgasm without touching it.
Wooldoor: I hear Sting can do that.
Spanky: Yeah, I hear that too. So anyway, Wooldoor, if you don't mind, do you think you could pack up all your little toys and go play somewhere else?
Wooldoor: I would, Spanky. But my horse has a broken leg and Vinnie the vet doesn't think it would be a good idea to move him right now!
Spanky: A broken leg, huh?
Wooldoor: (becoming angry and getting in Spanky's face) And no, I am NOT going to sell him to make glue! (Wooldoor grabs his horse figure and begins stroking it affectionately.) I don't care if he can't race anymore. He's my favorite figurine in the whole barnyard and I love him! (He cradles the horse against the side of his face in something resembling a hug.) I would just die if anything bad ever happened to you, Winny!
Spanky: Your horse's name is Winny?
Wooldoor: Seriously? You let Mooey the cow go by unchallenged and you're gonna split hairs over Winny?
Spanky: Point taken. (Wooldoor nods.) Okay, fine, Wooldoor. Get back to playing barnyard. I'll just try to tune it out. (Wooldoor returns to his playing. Spanky resumes looking at his magazine. Wooldoor picks up a pig figure.)
Wooldoor: Now here's Oinky the pig! (Spanky's eyebrows raise, but he does not divert his attention from his magazine.) Oinky likes to roll around in the mud! Don't you, Oinky? (Wooldoor makes a pig squealing noise. He takes Oinky and begins to simulate him rolling around in the mud. He begins singing.) The pig likes to roll... around in the mud... cause that is what pigs do... (Spanky sighs)... and that is ALL pigs do...
Finally, Spanky can take no more. He puts down the magazine and walks over to Wooldoor.
Spanky: Okay, Wooldoor, that's enough. I'm gonna show you how to do this right.
Wooldoor: I'm not doing it right?
Spanky: The animals aren't behaving true to their nature. Here, I'll show you a more realistic version. Here. (He picks up the sheep.) While Sherman the sheep knits a lovely sweater out of his own wool... (He picks up the cow.) Mooey the cow is in the slaughterhouse getting made into tasty burgers! (He picks up a tiny meat cleaver and begins chopping the cow into pieces. He grabs a bunch of the figures and puts them all together near the remains of chopped up Mooey. He simulates eating sounds.) Mmmm... that was good steak, man!
Wooldoor: Ohhhhhhhh. I see.
Spanky: (picking up the pig) And then, after he's had his fill of tasty beef... (He begins moving the pig toward the farmhouse.) Oinky the pig goes inside the house and looks up porn on the internet! (He puts the pig inside the house in front of a computer.)
Wooldoor: Ohhhhhhhh.
Spanky: And Gregory the goat gets a job in Hollywood starring in The Nanny!
Wooldoor: I see what you mean, Spanky! That's much more realistic than the way I was doing it!
Spanky: If there's one thing Spanky Ham knows, it's animal behavior!
Wooldoor looks at the scene and nods in acknowledgement. Spanky smiles.
CUE OPENING TITLES
Cut to the living room, where Foxxy, Hero, Clara, and Toot are watching television. American Dad is on. We see a scene of Stan and Francine in bed together.
Francine: (on TV) This is impossible! How can I be pregnant? I thought you told me you were wearing protection!
Stan: (on TV) I was! (Stan moves his arm out of the way to reveal a gun belt, complete with pistol, strapped across his naked waist. Francine continues to look disoriented.)
Hero: (to Foxxy) You know, if they ever had us put on a production of American Dad, I think the two of us would be perfect for Stan and Francine!
Foxxy: Hero, I notice that you always seem to say that after we watch a scene where they have sex.
Hero: Be that as it may. (Foxxy chuckles and hugs Hero.)
Clara: (to Toot) Oh, God, they're sharing catchphrases now.
Foxxy: If memory serves, you also said that we'd be perfect for the two leads in that movie we was watching last night!
Hero: And I stand by that!
Toot: What movie were you guys watching?
Foxxy: A porno!
Hero: I'm serious, though, Foxxy. (He points at the television.) I think we'd do a great job playing those characters!
Foxxy: I guess you have a point! Hmmm... this could be interesting, now that I think about it. So if we was going to play Stan and Francine, who would everyone else be?
Toot: Ooh! Are we gonna cast another movie with ourselves? This is gonna be fun!
Clara: Yeah, this sounds cool. Let's do this!
Hero: Okay!
Clara: Now, let's see. Hayley... is a loudmouth ultra-liberal bitch. That one's gotta be Toot!
Toot: (annoyed) Hey! Hayley is not a bitch! Although I guess if I was Hayley, that would make Marty Jeff.
Clara: I think Wooldoor should play Jeff.
Toot: What IS it with everybody wanting to pair me romantically with Wooldoor? (Clara shrugs. Toot rolls her eyes.) Hmm... I think that Clara... should play Steve! (Clara gives Toot the stink eye.)
Clara: Excuse me?
Toot: Come on, Clara, it's perfect! You both have brown hair, you're both incredibly book smart yet completely lacking in social skills, and most importantly, neither of you ever get any!
Clara: Hey! I get some!
Toot: (to Foxxy and Hero) Did we ever decide if Ling-Ling counted as "getting some"? (Clara snorts dismissively.) But come on, Clara. That's as perfect a match as you'll ever get! You're exactly like Steve in every way!
Clara: No, Toot, there's one way Steve and I differ. One BIG way.
Toot: You're not into Star Trek?
Clara: Well, duh!
Foxxy: I could kinda see it, though. Maybe if Clara cut her hair short and put on glasses, and...
Clara: Grew a penis?
Hero: Oh, that's ridiculous! Can you even grow penises? (Nobody responds. Hero looks around at everyone questioningly.) Well? Can you? Does anybody know?
Toot: Um, Hero, why...?
Hero: I just thought it would be kind of nice to have two.
Foxxy: Ooh! If you had two penises, that would mean that at night I could go skiing!
Clara: (getting up) And I'm out of here.
Toot: Oh, come on, Clara, lighten up!
Foxxy: Yeah, Clara! You can't just go walking out of the room any time somebody says something slightly distasteful! It's a violation of my 13th Amendment rights!
Clara: Don't you mean your First Amendment rights? You know, free speech?
Foxxy: No, I meant my 13th Amendment rights. Cause the Foxxy will not be a slave to y'all's prudery!
Clara: (to Toot) Is prudery even a word?
Toot: If you don't know, I don't!
Foxxy: And what's the big deal about penises anyway?
Jerry Seinfeld (in confessional): What's the big deal about penises? (He thinks for a moment.) Actually, I know what the big deal is about penises! (He looks at the camera and waves.) All right, we're done here!
Foxxy: Half the people in America's got 'em!
Clara: Wait. Half the people in AMERICA have penises? (Foxxy nods.) I find it interesting that you would need to specify America as your point of reference. As if the United States is different from other countries with regard to its penis allocation.
Foxxy (in confessional): "Penis allocation." That's right. You heard me. "Penis allocation." (She shakes her head.) Try using THAT one in a porn movie sometime!
Hero: It's true! For instance, in France, EVERYBODY has a penis! Even the women!
Toot: And in Soviet Russia, there is only one penis that an entire village has to share between them!
Foxxy: And in Bangkok-
Clara: Okay, I get the idea. Fine, you guys win. I'll sit back down on the couch and we'll finish watching American Dad, okay?
Hero: Sounds great!
Clara sits back down.
Hayley: (on TV) Oh my God! Roger has two penises!
Roger: Why? How many do you earthlings have?
Clara raises one eyebrow at Foxxy. Foxxy shrugs. The scene cuts to Spanky and Wooldoor in the bedroom watching a movie.
Wooldoor: So you really think that watching pornography is a better pastime than playing with toy animals?
Spanky: Unless the toy is a blow-up doll and the animal is a naked chick, then yes.
Wooldoor nods. The two watch the movie. There is a very brief shot of the screen. Little can be seen, but it is clear that two women are having sex.
Sheryl: (on TV) Oh, Lisa, you're so hot!
Lisa: (on TV) No, Sheryl, YOU'RE so hot!
Sheryl: (on TV) No, Lisa, YOU'RE so hot!
Lisa: (on TV) Oh, just shut up and do me already!
Wooldoor: Are these women lesbians?
Spanky: Well, yeah!
Wooldoor: I don't get it. Then why aren't they sporting short spiky haircuts, wearing flannel, and listening to the Indigo Girls? Isn't that what lesbians do?
Spanky: Well, yes.
Wooldoor: But these women don't do any of that.
Spanky: Yes, well... these women... are a KIND of lesbian.
Wooldoor: What kind? The fake kind?
Spanky: I prefer to think of it like this. Now normally, these women are attractive, feminine, heterosexual women, just like the beauties that we're used to seeing in this house every day!
Wooldoor: I don't think the girls are here, Spanky.
Spanky: I know, but I like to cover myself in case they ever happen to be eavesdropping. But anyway, you could say that these women are nominally straight, and thus embody all the feminine qualities that men find attractive in your typical "womany" type woman.
Wooldoor: So why are they having sex with each other?
Spanky: It has to do with the particular societal structure in which these films take place. Now if you've been watching, I'm sure you'll have noticed that there are no men in this picture.
Wooldoor: (realizing Spanky is right) That's true!
Spanky: So if one desires sex with men, but there are no men about, then what other option does one have but to try to seek fulfillment with others of the same persuasion?
Wooldoor: Well, there are always vibrators and strap-ons!
Spanky: Yeah, but that's a whole other video series.
Wooldoor: I see.
Spanky: So it's not that these women deliberately seek out sexual experiences with each other. They're just... victims of an imbalanced penis allocation.
Foxxy (in confessional): (sneering) Oh, now, you guys did that on purpose!
Wooldoor: Wow! You're smart, Spanky!
Spanky: I know.
The two go back to watching the movie. After a moment, Wooldoor pipes up.
Wooldoor: You know, I don't think Clara would want me watching this kind of thing.
Spanky: Well, duh!
Wooldoor: (turning to Spanky) You think I should go and ask her if it's okay?
Spanky: Oh, why bother? She's probably busy watching some G-rated thing with lots of adorable puppies and kittens.
Cut back to the living room.
Steve: (on TV) Roger! How could you make a porn movie using all those adorable puppies and kittens I adopted?
Roger: (on TV) Furry porn is really big these days, Steve!
Klaus: (on TV) Personally, I don't think it would have been so bad if he hadn't included the scene with the rabbit "just for variety".
Hayley: (on TV) This is really messed up, you guys. This whole movie you made, Roger, is a violation of these animals' basic rights!
Clara: You know, the more I see of Hayley, the more sense she seems to make!
Hayley: (on TV) Now let's get back to talking about free love and how much organized religion sucks!
Clara: I was asking for that one, wasn't I? (Toot nods.)
The show goes to commercial. The Child Services Woman comes on the air.
Child Services: (on TV) Hi. Do you want to make more money? I can help you with that! In fact, I can make you a millionaire! How? It's simple! They say that the cost of raising a child to age 18 is approximately one million dollars. So all you have to do is be such a bad parent that I'll come and take your baby away and that's a million dollars in your pocket 18 years down the road right there! Plus, you didn't really want that kid ruining your lives anyway, did you? So come on, slack off on the parenting and give me something to do! It's more ethical than abortion and more legal than infanticide! And unlike the time-honored approach of leaving it on somebody's doorstep, having it taken away by US removes the possibility of it having wacky adventures being raised by three bachelors. So in short, if you're a parent... watch yourself. (She leans toward the camera and whispers ominously.) Cause I know where you live!
The four sit stunned. One by one, Clara, Toot, and Hero all turn toward Foxxy.
Clara: Wow, Foxxy!
Toot: It's almost like that commercial was being targeted directly at you!
Foxxy: Oh, that's ridiculous, y'all!
Child Services: (on TV) Did you get that... Foxxy Love? (The Child Services woman straightens up in her chair and straightens her glasses.)
Foxxy: (at the TV) Oh, just shut the hell up!
Toot: Oh my God, you guys. Now I'm starting to get worried.
Clara: Me too.
Foxxy: That's ridiculous, y'all! Now I know I may have lost a lot of kids in the past, but there ain't no way Child Services is gonna show up to try to take THIS baby away!
Clara: How do you know?
Foxxy: Well, for one thing, I won't be raising this one alone! It'll have Captain Hero looking after it, too!
Child Services: (on TV, talking to someone off to the side) What? She's with Captain Hero now? Oh, God, I'd better get down there DOUBLE quick, in that case!
Foxxy: God, that's one bitch who needs to get laid bad.
Clara: Actually, you guys... I think I know of a way you can stay out of her path of destruction.
Toot: Raise the kid right?
Clara: Yeah, well... that'll help, sure. But what I was thinking... you just need to name somebody godparent! If Child Services knows that you have somebody trustworthy backing you up, they'll cut you some slack!
Hero: Hey, that's a good idea!
Foxxy: Plus, if they DO end up taking the baby away- (She cuts herself off and turns to the others.) Not saying I would ever do anything that would warrant it. But knowing my reputation-
Toot: Yeah. They may not even give you a CHANCE to raise THIS one right!
Foxxy: At least this way, if they DO take the baby away, I know it'll end up in the hands of somebody I know.
Clara: Exactly!
Hero: So who do you think it should be, Foxxy? Your parents? My parents? Stabby Pete, the hobo?
Toot: Ohhhhh. I love Pete! He was the one who taught me how to shiv my gynecologist! (The others look at Toot.) But I don't know if he'd be the best person to raise your baby.
Foxxy: Actually, what I was thinking... if we named one of our housemates as godparent and they took it away... the baby would get to keep living in the house with us!
Hero: It would be like they never took the baby away at all!
Clara: (to Toot) Is that really how adoption works?
Toot: (to Clara) For the purposes of this story, it is!
Foxxy: (to Hero) So who should the godparent be, you think? (At that moment, we hear a sound from offscreen.)
Wooldoor: (offscreen) Ooh! Ooh! (Wooldoor comes rushing into the room.) I wanna do it!
Hero: Well, Wooldoor, we all want to "do it". Well... maybe not Clara.
Cut to Clara in the confessional. She is standing in front of a chalkboard. On the left side of the chalkboard is written "Jokes made about Foxxy being a slut". Underneath the caption is a whole bunch of score marks. On the right side of the chalkboard is written "Jokes made about Clara being a prude". Underneath the caption is a slightly higher number of score marks. Clara adds a mark to the right hand side of the board and sits down in the confessional chair.
Clara (in confessional): (becoming irritated) You know, there was a time in this country where having sex outside of marriage was considered the most heinous sin one could commit. Now I'm not saying that society is still like that. Nor do I wish to judge the sexually promiscuous. I just think that those of us who were raised to believe in old-fashioned values have the right not to be-
At that moment, Clara's diatribe is interrupted by a creaking sound behind her. Clara turns toward the chalkboard. The board teeters and falls off the wall. It lands on the floor with the reverse side facing up. At the top of the reverse side of the board is written "Jokes made about Toot being ugly and/or fat". The entire rest of the board is covered top to bottom and end to end with score marks. Clara gives the camera a look that seems to say "Do you believe this?". The scene changes back to the present.
Wooldoor: No! I mean, I wanna be godfather!
Foxxy: Godfather? You?
Wooldoor: Are you saying I wouldn't do a good job at it, Foxxy?
Foxxy: Well, no, it's just that... well... you're kind of still a kid yourself, Wooldoor!
Wooldoor: But I'm great with kids! I babysit for Clara all the time!
Clara: Wooldoor, you watched my CAT!
Wooldoor: Well...
Clara: And that cat died three years ago!
Wooldoor: Really? Wow, no wonder I've had such an easy time of it lately! (He quickly turns back to Foxxy. At this point, the camera cuts to Spanky walking down the stairs. He overhears the conversation in the living room.) So what do you say, Foxxy?
Foxxy: Wooldoor, I don't know.
Wooldoor: Oh, come on, Foxxy, please? Come on! I'd make a great godfather!
Spanky: (to himself) Wait a minute. Wooldoor? Godfather? That's ridiculous! I look a lot more like Marlon Brando than HE does!
Spanky enters the living room where we see the others conversing.
Foxxy: I'll think about it, Wooldoor. All right?
Wooldoor: All right. (Wooldoor sees that Spanky has entered and turns to him excitedly.) Hey, Spanky, guess what? There's a chance I might get to be the godfather of Foxxy and Hero's baby!
Spanky: Sorry, Wooldoor. Not a chance. (He looks at Foxxy and Hero.) Foxxy. Hero. I think you should make ME the godfather of your child. (He points to himself.)
Foxxy: Oh, my!
Clara: Hey!
Foxxy: Just add it to my tab! (to Spanky) Are you serious, Spanky? Do you really want to be the godfather of our child?
Spanky: And why is that so hard to believe?
Foxxy: Oh, it's nothing. It's just that... you never really struck me as much of a family man.
Spanky: Foxxy... I believe that... (he begins imitating Brando) a man who doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man.
Clara: (to Toot) Why do guys always do this any time the word "godfather" is mentioned?
Foxxy: I don't know. You both have strengths and weaknesses. It's hard for me to decide between you.
Spanky: (still imitating Brando) Don't go against the family, Foxxy. You want, I take real good care of your kid. I treat the kid like family, you know... I can make sure he gets anything he wants. But you cross me... I could make life very hard for you. Capische?
Hero: You're not godfather YET, Spanky.
Spanky: (imitating Brando) I really don't think you should be arguing with me on that one, Hero.
Foxxy: I'll tell you guys what. You both seem very earnest and equally capable. I'm sure we couldn't go wrong with either one of you. Why don't you guys work out for yourselves who should be godfather?
Spanky: (momentarily dropping the Brando impression) All right. If that's the way you want it. But just so you know- (He points a finger directly in Foxxy's face and resumes his Brando impression.) I tend to get what I want. You know what I'm saying?
Foxxy: Yes, Spanky. I think I do.
Spanky: (straightening a phantom tie) Good. As long as we're clear on that one. (Spanky turns and starts to walk out. He momentarily stops and addresses Wooldoor.) Sometime later, the two of us need to have a little talk. You know what I'm saying? (Wooldoor nods fearfully. Spanky nods in acknowledgement and leaves. Wooldoor follows behind him. The others turn and look at each other.)
Clara: Oh... my... God.
Foxxy: Yeah.
Clara: I guess we'd better brace ourselves.
Foxxy: Yup.
Toot: There are gonna be a LOT of bad Brando impressions in this house over the next few days.
Clara: That seems a pretty safe bet.
Toot: So anyway. (She turns to the others.) Forgive me for being dense here.
Clara: Why shouldn't we? We forgave you all those other times! (She immediately adopts a celebratory mood and holds her hand out in anticipation of a high five.) Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Who's the man? (Nobody responds.) Come on, guys, throw me a bone here. I don't get many of these moments. (The others nod in acknowledgement and high five Clara in turn, although none of them puts a full effort into it. However, Clara seems satisfied.)
Toot: As I was saying. Forgive me for being dense, but... what exactly does a godfather DO, anyway?
Hero: Uh uh. You can stop right there, Missy! No freakin' WAY are we going to let YOU do it, Toot!
Toot: (confused) What?
Hero: I want my kid to be big and tall! If you and Marty raise it, it'll grow up to be a shortie!
Toot: (dryly) Yeah. Cause height is something you can teach.
Hero picks up a glass on the table, then hesitates.
Hero: I'm not going to get short by drinking out of the same glass as you, am I?
Toot glares at Hero, then thrusts her hand up at him. We cannot see her gesture because it is pixellated, but Hero recoils in horror.
Hero: Oh, my God! Toot, that was very uncalled for!
Clara: Toot, did you just flip Hero the bird?
Toot: Of course not! I just showed him this festering blister I have on my finger! (She shows her hand to Clara. Clara is grossed out.) They pixellated it cause it's really, really gross to look at.
Hero: Ewww! Get that ugly sore away from me!
Clara: Wait. After all the crap they show on here uncensored, they go and pixellate your BLISTER?
Toot: Rule of Funny, Clara.
Clara: Ah.
Toot: But back to the subject at hand. I'm not nominating myself for the position or anything, I'd just kind of like to know exactly what a godfather does.
Foxxy: Well, they take care of the kid if something happens to the parents. That's the main thing.
Toot: Right.
Foxxy: And it's not an official "duty", per se, but the godfather generally takes a special interest in the child's upbringing and personal development.
Toot: Right. Right.
Hero: Oh, yeah. And he has to hold the child at the bris.
Clara: Okay, then count ME out.
Toot: Me too!
Foxxy: That last part's just hypothetical, you guys. You wouldn't have to worry about that unless we were actually HAVING a bris!
Hero: Wait. (A look of concern crosses his face. He turns to Foxxy.) You mean... we're not?
Foxxy: We are?
Hero: Well, the baby WILL be Jewish, Foxxy. I guess I just assumed-
Foxxy: Oh, right. I didn't think of that, y'all.
Hero: Did you not want to have one?
Foxxy: Well... I guess we could.
Hero: You seem hesitant.
Foxxy: I guess the possibility didn't really hit me until now. But I guess if the baby is Jewish, we pretty much have to.
Toot: Technically not.
Foxxy: What's that?
Toot: Well, according to Jewish law, the Jewish heritage is passed through the bloodline of the mother. And since you're not Jewish, Foxxy, the baby wouldn't technically be Jewish either. You could still RAISE the child as Jewish if you wanted... it would pretty much be your call.
Foxxy: I see. In that case, then... I think I'd rather he not have one.
Hero: (slightly alarmed) No?
Foxxy: Why? Did YOU want him to have one?
Hero: Well... I guess. I mean... I just kind of always assumed he would.
Foxxy: Well... I guess we could get one. If it's that important to you.
Hero: I mean, if you have some objection, Foxxy, then by all means, we won't get one.
Foxxy: Oh, no, Hero. If you have some special reason for wanting him to have one, I don't want to disrespect that.
Toot: (to Clara) Oh, God. This is the most indecisive I've ever seen these two. I'm serious, if this keeps up much longer, I'm going to smack someone!
Clara: (to Toot) You want to ditch this story?
Toot: Good idea! Hey, I know! Let's go back to the basement! I've thought of some awesome improvements we can make to our potato gun!
Clara: Cool! Let's go!
As Clara and Toot take off for the basement, Hero and Foxxy continue to discuss.
Hero: I just feel like it would be disrespectful of my heritage for him not to have one.
Foxxy: That's fine. And I respect that. It's just that-
Hero: It's just that what?
Foxxy: Well... I guess you could say I's just squeamish of the whole procedure. Ever since I lost one of my kids in a tragic circumcision accident.
Foxxy (in confessional): Who do you THINK I'm talking about?
Hero: Well, Foxxy, if you think it's too brutal, we won't do it.
Foxxy: Thank you, Hero.
Hero: I guess I'll just have to get used to the idea of my kid not being like me. (Foxxy looks down and sighs.)
Spanky (in confessional): I was determined to be godfather at all costs. So I felt the time had come (he goes back into Brando mode) to make Wooldoor an offer he couldn't refuse.
Cut to Spanky's bedroom. The room is completely dark. Spanky has moved his computer desk so that it faces the entrance to the bedroom. He has pushed the computer to the side of the desk so as to allow himself a clear view of the person he is talking to. A high backed chair sits behind the desk, facing away from the door. There is a knock at the door.
Spanky: (now pretty much completely stuck in Brando mode) Come in.
A nervous hand cautiously opens the door.
Wooldoor: You wanted to see me, Spanky?
Spanky: Yes, Wooldoor. Come on in and have a seat.
Wooldoor walks up to the desk and sits down. Spanky wheels around in his chair. He is now wearing a black suit. In his left arm, he is holding a very disgruntled looking Ling-Ling and stroking him like a cat with his other arm.
Wooldoor: Thanks, Spanky.
Spanky: Wooldoor, I'm going to get right to the point. I would make a better godfather for Foxxy's baby than you. I think it would be in your best interests for you to step aside and let me have that honor.
Wooldoor: Why would I want to do that?
Spanky: Wooldoor, you run a medical practice, right?
Wooldoor: Right.
Spanky: It strikes me that it would be very difficult for you to treat patients if your medical license were to somehow get... let's just say... revoked.
Wooldoor: Oh. Well, that would suck, but it wouldn't be the end of the world. I mean, I have other professions, too. I could just forget about medicine and concentrate on one of them.
Spanky: But what if the time were to come when you needed to be a doctor again? Like say, a very important patient shows up bleeding on your door one day. A patient with two broken legs, perhaps.
Wooldoor: Well, that would suck for him, but it wouldn't be any skin off MY back!
Spanky: I don't think you understand me, son. This patient is someone who would be very close to you. Someone you would have a direct interest in wanting to help. Someone you love almost as much as you love... (Spanky reaches across the desk and grabs Wooldoor by the collar, pulling him up to his own face. Right in Wooldoor's face, he looks Wooldoor directly in the eye and continues.)... yourself!
Wooldoor: Spanky... are you talking about ME?
Spanky: (letting Wooldoor go and using his free hand to deliver a hard smack to Ling-Ling's back) No, stupid, I'm talking about Fluffy here!
Ling-Ling: (jerking up in pain) Hey! What honorable pig demon think he doing? That not part of deal!
Spanky: (still imitating Brando) You want those pictures I took of Clara in her underwear?
Ling-Ling: (still annoyed, but resigning himself to his duty) Fine.
Spanky: Wooldoor, what I'm saying to you... this is a difficult world we live in. Accidents happen.
Wooldoor: They sure do!
Spanky: You take care of me, and I'll return the favor in kind. You know what I'm saying?
Wooldoor: (He nods his head and smiles for a moment, then stops.) No.
Spanky: You look out for me and I'll do the same for you. I'll make sure that none of those... "accidents"... will affect YOU. Or those you love. Capische?
Wooldoor: Oh... now I get it! In order to ensure that an "accident"... doesn't happen to me or somebody I'm close to... I just have to make sure YOUR interests are looked out for!
Spanky: I'm glad we could clear this up. (He extends his hand to Wooldoor.) So do we have a deal?
Wooldoor: (shaking Spanky's hand) We've got a deal, Spanky!
Spanky smiles. Wooldoor gets up and happily trots out of the room.
Wooldoor: (as he is leaving) That was close! For a minute I thought he was going to make me give up being godfather!
Wooldoor is gone. Spanky scowls. He remains petting Ling-Ling.
Ling-Ling: (thoroughly tired of the charade) Can Ling-Ling go now?
Spanky: (momentarily breaking character) Oh. Right. Sorry.
Spanky takes his hands off Ling-Ling. Ling-Ling gets up and scampers away like a cat. As Spanky continues to scowl, the scene changes back to Hero and Foxxy in the living room.
Foxxy: I hear that having one makes sex more pleasurable! (Hero looks at her curiously.) Yes, I'm the kind of parent who thinks about that sort of thing.
Hero: So... if you have one... that makes it better?
Foxxy: Apparently the tip rubbing against the head creates extra friction and enhances pleasure. Not to mention that if it's cloaked all the time, that thing's gonna be more sensitive to begin with.
Hero: Really? So... if you've already had it done, can you get one put back on?
Foxxy: I don't think so.
Hero: (looking up at the sky and shaking his fist) Goddamn you, Daddy! (turning back to Foxxy) Then I guess it's settled. We won't have it done.
Foxxy: Okay, then! Wait. Now that I think about it... I have heard that it's supposed to be more hygenic if you're cut.
Hero: How so?
Foxxy: Like, if you keep your hood, that place can a breeding ground for all kinds of bacteria.
Hero: Ewwwww! I don't want my son to have a moldy penis! Unless that makes the sex more pleasurable? (Foxxy shakes her head.) Then we definitely will have it done!(He looks up at the sky again.) Thank you, Daddy! (He turns back to Foxxy.)
Foxxy: Of course, it won't necessarily HAVE to be moldy.
Hero: Then we won't do it!
Foxxy: He'll just have to be careful to wash that area every time he bathes!
Hero: Then in that case, the bris is back on! (Foxxy looks at him questioningly.) That could be embarrassing, Foxxy! "I'm sorry I was late for work today, Mr. Stevens, but I had to wash my peepee!" Plus, that part kind of stings when you put soap and deodorant on it. No, Foxxy. I don't want my son to have a moldy penis, and I don't want him to have to scrub his penis, either! Although... hmm... scrubbing your penis... now that's an idea that never occurred to me before! Foxxy, I'm going to run upstairs for a moment. I think I need to take a quick shower!
Cut to the bathroom upstairs. We hear Captain Hero's voice coming from inside the running shower.
Hero: (voice) Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah, this is nice!
Clara (in confessional): Oh, dear God, I can't believe they actually showed it!
Hero: (voice) Oh, my God! Oh, I never realized how good scrubbing your member feels! Especially if it's already cut! Oh, yeah, I'm definitely going to make my son have a bris now! Although... if he HAS a bris, it'll be clean... so he won't NEED to scrub it. But if he doesn't have a bris, then he WILL need to scrub it, only... it won't feel as good. Damn! Now I'm right back to square one!
As Hero continues to ponder, we see Xandir, wearing a towel around his head and clad only in the bottom half of a leopard print bikini, walk up to the running shower.
Xandir: Hero! Get out of the shower! It's my turn!
Hero: Later, Xandir, I'm busy! (He resumes his previous train of thought.) Although he could just pull the skin back and scrub it with his other hand... but then, he won't have a hand free to-
Xandir: Hero, if you don't get out of the shower right now, I'm coming in with you!
Immediately, Hero is out of the shower in a flash.
Hero: All yours!
As Xandir steps into the shower, Hero dashes out of the room as quickly as he can. The scene fades. The scene fades back up on a shot of Wooldoor sleeping peacefully in bed. It is the following morning.
Wooldoor (in confessional): I woke up that day feeling great! ... And a little bit plagiaristic!
The scene changes back to Wooldoor in bed. He wakes up and stretches his arms with a big smile on his face.
Wooldoor: Oh, what a beautiful day! Isn't it, Winny? (He becomes concerned and looks off to the side.) Winny? (We see a closeup of the farm playset. Winny the horse is conspicuously absent. Wooldoor shrieks.) Winny? (Wooldoor inexplicably turns down the covers on the bed next to him. There he sees the decapitated head of his horse figurine.) OH MY GOD!!! (Wooldoor runs out of the room screaming.) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Cut to Hero and Foxxy in bed together. They are still discussing the circumcision issue.
Hero: I hear that if you don't have it done, you can't get into Jew heaven!
Foxxy: Well, that's okay. The baby can go to Christian heaven.
Hero: Really? You guys have one too? (Foxxy nods.) Oh, wow! (Hero looks at Foxxy.) Okay, then. We WON'T circumcize our baby!
Foxxy: Are you sure about that?
Hero: (despairingly) No! (Foxxy pats Hero on the back comfortingly. He turns to her.) So anyway, we've been talking about this long enough. Let's just go ahead and have sex and then go to bed like we planned.
Foxxy: Um, Hero? I think it's morning.
Hero: (alarmed) Morning?
Foxxy: Yeah. In just a few minutes, it'll be time to go to breakfast!
Hero: Oh, wow!
Foxxy: (She shrugs.) But that's okay. I guess we'll just be a little late!
As Foxxy and Hero grab each other passionately, the scene quickly cuts to black. A caption appears which reads "20 minutes later". The scene then cuts to Hero and Foxxy in bed, both now fast asleep. The scene changes to the basement downstairs.
Toot: (holding the new, improved potato gun) Now, then! Just put that Pringle down the suction tube and we're ready to go!
Clara puts the Pringle down the tube of the gun. The gun immediately fires a massive blast right through the basement wall. Clara and Toot both cautiously peer into the hole to the outside.
Clara: Oh, my God! Is that... daylight? (She turns to Toot in disbelief.) Have we been at this all night?
Toot: I guess time really flies when you're trying to dodge the main story!
Clara: Oh, my God! Ling-Ling! Oh, I hope he didn't wait up for me!
Cut to Clara's bedroom. Ling-Ling sits somberly in the bed alone, surrounded by seemingly the entire contents of Clara's laundry hamper. He pulls out a pair of panties, sniffs them sadly, and puts them down. He sighs. The scene changes back to the basement.
Clara: Oh, God, how am I ever going to make this up to him?
Toot: Just tell him you spent the night with me!
Clara: (glaring at Toot) Toot... you know what he's going to think if I tell him that.
Toot: Right... and...
Clara: Toot, are you serious?
Toot: Hey, I think putting THAT little fantasy in his head will MORE than make up for you ditching him last night!
Clara: (eyeing Toot curiously) You really think a lot of yourself, don't you?
Toot: Well... (she straightens her posture and holds her arms out in a modeling pose)... if you had THIS kind of hotness going on, wouldn't you?
Clara: Of course. What was I thinking? (Toot smiles.) I know what I'll do. I'll go tell him I'm going to do that thing that I swore I wouldn't do unless it was his birthday!
Toot: Take him to Disneyland?
Clara: Well, duh! (Clara turns and begins to walk back upstairs.)
Cut to the kitchen table. Xandir sits alone eating cereal.
Xandir: It's time for breakfast! Where IS everybody?
Cut to Spanky's bedroom. Spanky slowly wakes up and stretches. There is a big smile on his face. He stretches some more and gets out of bed. He walks over to the window. There he sees Wooldoor digging in the flower garden. He grins again.
Spanky: (still imitating Brando) Looks like Wooldoor is about to learn what happens when you go against the family! (Spanky begins to get back into his Don Vito suit.)
Wooldoor (in confessional): I was completely distressed by Winny's sudden death. I knew that there was nothing in the world that could bring poor Winny back. Well, nothing except Krazy Glue, but we were all out and I didn't really feel like running out to the store to get more. Plus, I'm saving up for a new beanie cap, so I'm trying to be really careful about how I spend my money at the moment. So I did the only thing I could and decided to give poor Winny a proper burial.
Cut to Wooldoor digging in the garden with a toy shovel. As Wooldoor digs, Spanky walks up behind him threateningly. He stops and looks at Wooldoor, peeling an orange ominously.
Wooldoor: (digging) I'm going to bury you in your favorite spot, Winny. Right under the rose bush where you were born. Well, actually, you were born in a factory in Taiwan, but the rose bush is where you were REALLY born. (Wooldoor starts to dig, but he finds an obstruction in the dirt.) Wait a minute. What the hell is this? It looks like something else is buried here already! (Wooldoor unearths the object. It is a package of some sort. Wooldoor unwraps it. It is a plastic fish wrapped up in a miniature cloth vest.) Oh my God! It's Fishy the fish all wrapped up in Cowboy Pete's cowboy vest! (Spanky makes his presence known to Wooldoor.)
Spanky: (walking up to Wooldoor, still imitating Brando) You understand the message I'm trying to send to you, Wooldoor? Let's just say that little gift was my way of telling you that Cowboy Pete is now sleeping with the fishes! Capische?
Wooldoor: When will it stop, Spanky? First Winny... then Cowboy Pete... when will it stop?
Spanky: It'll stop- (with his knife, he slices a piece of orange peel and flicks it in Wooldoor's direction)- when you step aside and admit that I'm the only godfather in this house! Or else- (he holds the orange up to Wooldoor's face and slices off another piece of peel and flicks it at Wooldoor)- remember what I was telling you about an unfortunate accident taking place? (He traces the blade of the knife across the remains of the orange in a manner suggestive of someone's throat being cut.) Capische? (Wooldoor, however, is not afraid.)
Wooldoor: (smacking the orange out of Spanky's hand) Never! I'm going to be godfather, Spanky, and there isn't anybody on this earth who can make me give up on that dream!
Spanky: Oh, yeah? Well, what about a big, scary... (He turns away from Wooldoor, then turns back. He has now placed an orange peel in his mouth.)... MONSTER? (Wooldoor's eyes grow huge. Spanky lifts his arms in the air threateningly and growls.) Grrrrrrrrrrrr!
Wooldoor: (freaking out again) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! (He turns around and begins to run.) I know it's just Spanky and not a real monster, but I still choose to run! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Wooldoor runs out of the garden screaming. Spanky chases after him, still growling like a monster. However, as he is running, something suddenly comes over Spanky. He stops running, puts his hand to his chest, and collapses. The orange peel falls out of Spanky's mouth as he falls. Spanky lies motionless on the ground for a moment. After a few seconds, he gets back up.
Spanky: (still clutching his chest, momentarily dropping the Brando voice) Wow, I think I've got heartburn or something. Damn, I knew I shouldn't have had that extra burrito last night!
Spanky gets up, brushes himself off, and continues on his way. The scene changes to the living room. Hero and Foxxy are coming down the stairs.
Hero: I hear the procedure nowadays is 60% safer than it used to be!
Foxxy: So there are still fatalities?
Hero: I wouldn't call them fatalities, per se... (They are now at the bottom of the stairs. They stop to continue their discussion.)
Foxxy: Well, what if the knife would happen to slip? Would you be prepared to live with that?
Hero: Well, no. You know what, Foxxy? Forget it. We won't have it done! I'll just have to tell my father that he and his Jewish heritage can go to hell! (He looks up at the sky.) You hear that, Daddy?
Foxxy: Hero, why do you keep looking up at the sky? Your father ain't dead!
Hero: Oh, is that what that means? I thought it was because it meant that our fathers are symbolically taller than us.
Foxxy: Look, Hero. You won't say so in so many words, but it's clear that you feel an obligation to carry on your family legacy. So we'll have it done. It's no big deal.
Hero: Thank you, Foxxy.
Foxxy: We won't even give a second thought to having some stranger take a knife to our son's peepee and whack off a piece off of it!
Hero: Well, when you put it that way...
Foxxy: No. (She slaps herself.) I won't let myself think about that. We've finally made a decision and I'm going to force myself to stick to it. Even if it means suppressing any thought I ever had about... (she begins to choke up)... what happened to... (she begins taking deeper and deeper breaths)... poor little...
Hero: Timmy?
Foxxy completely loses it. She buries her face in her hands and begins crying. Hero looks at Foxxy for a moment and then walks over to her. He puts his arm around her to comfort her.
Hero: It's okay, Foxxy. We won't do it. Tribute to my ancestors or not, I'm not going to risk putting you through that again. We'll call off the bris.
Foxxy: (her tears beginning to dry) Really, Hero? (He nods.) Thank you. (Foxxy straightens up and regains her composure.) Although now that I think about it, maybe what happened to Timmy wasn't so much the result of it being a brutal procedure as it was that the doctor who did it was stinking drunk and not even properly licensed in the first place.
Hero: I could have told you not to get your circumcision done at that place in the mall! (Foxxy nods.) Okay, it's settled, then. We'll do it.
Foxxy: Now hold on! Now it's true that having our bris performed by a properly certified and sober professional will ensure that the baby doesn't get harmed... that still don't mean I want to do it!
Hero: (frustrated) Oh, crap.
At this moment, Wooldoor comes tearing through the living room with Spanky hot on his heels. They both zip right past Foxxy and Hero and quickly fade from view. A moment later, they pass right back through the living room again and just as quickly fade again from view. Foxxy and Hero look at each other, then turn and wait. When the two race through the living room a third time, Foxxy reaches out and grabs Wooldoor while Hero does the same to Spanky.
Foxxy: All right, y'all. What the hell is going on here?
Wooldoor: Spanky's chasing me!
Foxxy: (making the donkey face) Uh duhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (She resumes her normal face.) Now, look, you two. While we is flattered that the both of y'all want to be godfather, this will just not do.
Spanky: (still imitating Brando) Dear lady, I was just trying to teach this misguided-
Foxxy: Oh, cut the stupid Marlon Brando impression, Spanky! It wasn't funny the first 50 times you did it, it ain't funny here, neither!
Spanky: (dropping the impression) Sorry.
Foxxy: In fact, this whole shtick of yours is treading dangerously close to that rule we have against doing movie parodies. So you'd better drop the whole thing right now before I do to you what they did to Michael Corleone!
Spanky: What are you talking about? Michael became the new don and eventually died of old age.
Foxxy: Well, which one was it that they shot in the back of the head and then threw him off the boat?
Spanky: Oh, that was Fredo!
Foxxy: Right. Well, I'm gonna do to you what they did to Fredo!
Spanky: Okay, okay! Sorry!
Foxxy: Now, then, since it's clear that neither of y'all has the maturity to decide this for yourselves, I'm just gonna have to take the decision out of y'all's hands.
Spanky and Wooldoor: (simultaneously) Awwwwww!
Foxxy: We'll decide it this way. Hero and I are trying to decide a certain issue. Whichever one of you can help us come to a decision will get to be godfather. (Hero and Foxxy put Spanky and Wooldoor down.)
Spanky: All right.
Wooldoor: Sounds fair.
Spanky: So what's the issue?
Foxxy: We're trying to decide whether or not to have our baby circumcised whenever it's born.
Spanky: Circumcised?
Hero: That's right.
Spanky: Are you sure that's even going to be an issue?
Hero: What do you mean?
Spanky: I mean... you haven't even had the sonogram yet. The baby could be a girl, for all you know!
Hero: (skeptically) A girl? Why, that's- (Suddenly, a realization hits him. He and Foxxy look at each other. Their faces light up.) Foxxy... he's right!
Foxxy: It could BE a girl!
Hero: I hear that there's better than a 50% chance of that happening!
Foxxy: That's what I hear too!
Hero: Okay, then... new plan! We're going to ignore the whole circumcision issue and put all our energy into praying that the baby is a girl!
Foxxy: I'm gonna go ask Clara if she has any praying tips!
Hero: (smiling at Spanky) Thanks, Spanky! You're going to make a great godfather someday!
Spanky: (imitating Brando once again) I'm glad you finally came to your senses regarding my magnanimous offer, Captain-
Foxxy: Fredo!
Spanky: (dropping the impression) Right. Sorry.
Hero: (taking Foxxy's hand) Foxxy... let's go upstairs and celebrate our decision by having sex!
Foxxy: But Hero, we just had- oh, like I need to justify it!
Both smiling, they turn and head back upstairs. Wooldoor and Spanky stand alone in the living room. Wooldoor is sad. Spanky turns to him.
Wooldoor: (sighing) Darn. I really wanted to be godfather. I think I would have done a good job at it if they'd just given me a chance.
Spanky: Yeah, maybe you're right, Wooldoor. (A thought occurs to Spanky.) You know, Wooldoor... Foxxy and Hero may have named me godfather... but as far as I can tell, there's still another position open. (Wooldoor looks at Spanky.) God... MOTHER!
Wooldoor: (his face lighting up) Hey, you're right! You can be godfather and I can be godmother! We'd make an AWESOME team!
Spanky: We sure would, kid. (He puts his arm around Wooldoor.) We sure would.
Wooldoor: I just hope this whole job isn't too much for me to handle. I mean, what if I'm not up to the responsibility?
Spanky: What responsibility? Being a godparent is easy! You just show up at a few birthday parties, give the kid some nice stuff, maybe send him a Christmas card every once in a while, and that's it! There's no real "responsibility" to it. It's more of an honor than anything else!
Wooldoor: Is that why you wanted to do it?
Spanky: You really think I *wanted* to get stuck raising someone else's kid?
Wooldoor: Ohhhhhhh!
Spanky: I mean, sure, there's the odd chance that you'll have to take custody of the kid if something happens to the parents, but come on, how often does something like that ever happen, really? Believe me, Wooldoor, there's no better kind of promise to make than a promise you know you probably won't ever have to make good on!
At that moment, Foxxy and Hero pop their heads back into the scene real quick.
Foxxy: Oh, Spanky? Since the baby is probably gonna be born before it's time for me and Hero to get married, we was thinking you could look after it on our honeymoon!
Hero: We're gonna be gone for three whole weeks! (Spanky becomes alarmed.)
Foxxy: We WAS just gonna leave it with my parents, but since you was so eager to be godfather, we figured it would mean a lot more to YOU to watch it.
Spanky: (through clenched teeth) Right. Of course.
Hero: Hey, I have an idea! Why don't we make Spanky our permanent go-to babysitter whenever we want to go out for the night? (Spanky winces.)
Foxxy: Oooooh, that's a good idea!
Hero: And since he's the baby's godfather, we technically don't even have to pay him! (Spanky's eyes are wide and his jaw is hanging open.)
Foxxy: Hero, I must be rubbing off on you cause you just keep getting smarter and smarter!
Hero: Thanks, Foxxy! Now let's get back to having sex!
In a flash, they are gone again. Wooldoor looks at Spanky, who is thoroughly unamused. Spanky turns to Wooldoor.
Spanky: Wooldoor, are you sure you don't-
Wooldoor: (holds his hands out to distance himself from the whole idea as he turns to walk away) No freakin' way, man!
Wooldoor walks out of the room. Spanky stands fuming. He curls his fingers into the shape of a gun and mimes shooting himself in the head. The scene fades.
THE END