DTBL episode 52: The Wedding Stinger

[Raymond-Raymond]

THE WEDDING STINGER

Part 1

The show opens on a long shot of the house. It is dawn once again. We see the familiar shot of the rooster crowing. The scene cuts to inside the house, where we see Foxxy and Hero in bed together. They are just waking up. Foxxy has a huge smile on her face.

Foxxy: You were great last night.

Hero: I was?

Foxxy: Yes, sir!

Hero: You didn't tell me I was great yesterday morning. And we DID have sex that night! Does that mean I sucked then?

Foxxy: Now I remember why I don't say that that often.

Hero: I mean, I'll admit, some days are better than others, but I'm always in there trying! (He looks at Foxxy.) Was it the Jello? Did that not work for you?

Foxxy: (thinking quickly) Hero, if I fail to tell you that the sex was good... it's only because you're so awesome so frequently that I sometimes forget it's necessary. I mean, do you think Einstein always got complimented whenever he came up with some great new theory?

Einstein (in confessional): They always compliment my theories... just once I wish they would tell me I was pretty. (He sighs sadly.)

Hero: (beaming) Why, Foxxy! That's the first time I've ever been compared to Einstein!

Foxxy: You don't say.

Hero puts his arm around Foxxy and cuddles her for a moment. After a moment, he turns to her.

Hero: So what do you want to do today, Foxxy?

Foxxy: You.

Hero: You already did me, silly!

Foxxy: Well, can I do you again? Or are you being rationed?

Hero: I am being rationed, Foxxy. Only one romp with the Hero-stick every seven minutes!

Foxxy: It's too bad having a quicker refractory period isn't one of your super powers.

Hero: Yes, sadly, that's not an inheritable power. It's one of those you can only get by messing around in radioactive waste. And I'm not making THAT mistake again!

Foxxy: Good idea.

Hero: So Foxxy, did you have any plans for how you wanted to fill our seven-minute intervals today?

Foxxy: I thought we could start getting our wedding plans together, if that's okay with you.

Hero: Sounds great to me! If we're planning on having the wedding in a couple of months, we should probably act quickly.

Foxxy: Well, we don't have to go rushing into anything. It's not like we have to have everything finalized before we head down to breakfast or anything.

Hero: No, not at all. (Foxxy smiles and nods. Hero sits calmly for a moment. After a moment, Foxxy looks at him.)

Foxxy: How about by this afternoon? (Hero reacts with shock.)

Hero: This afternoon? Foxxy, are we really in THAT big a hurry?

Foxxy: Well, we don't HAVE to have it done by then. I just happened to remember what's supposed to happen this afternoon and it occurred to me that our lives would be much, much easier if we already had everything in place by then.

Hero: Why, what's supposed to happen this afternoon?

At that moment, we hear a very loud, familiar voice ringing out all over the entire house.

Toot: (voice) Hey, you assholes! Guess who's back from their honeymoon early? (Hero nods in recognition.)

Hero: Ah. I see.

Foxxy: Oh, well, I guess that boat's done sailed now.

Hero: Well, Foxxy, you know, she doesn't HAVE to help us plan it. We can just tell her we want to make all the decisions ourselves.

Foxxy: Yeah, like Toot's gonna let that happen.

Foxxy sighs. She and Hero both reluctantly climb out of bed and begin to get dressed. The scene changes to the living room downstairs. Toot and Marty are standing inside the front door with their bags on the floor beside them. Toot is wearing a summer dress and sandals, and a floppy hat with a pair of sunglasses perched on the brim, while Marty is wearing a Hawaiian shirt with khaki pants. Toot turns to him.

Toot: I don't get it, Marty. They heard me yelling. Why aren't they all scrambling to greet me?

Marty: Maybe they're still asleep. It IS pretty early in the morning.

Toot: Goddammit! Somebody's better be up so they can make me breakfast!

Marty: Was that the whole reason you wanted to come back early? So the housemates could make you breakfast?

Toot: Oh, just admit it, Marty. You were as tired of that French food as I was. I just couldn't handle one more day of going into a restaurant and being served something totally disgusting!

Marty: Toot, I keep telling you, all you have to do is just learn the French word for snails, and then NOT ORDER THAT, and they won't bring you snails!

Toot: Yeah, I don't think that would work. I'm pretty sure that every French word means snails. (Marty shrugs. Toot looks around some more.) Oh, come on, you douchebags! Doesn't anybody care that I'm back from my honeymoon? I feel so unloved!

Marty: I love you, Toot.

Toot: Marty, that's very sweet of you, but that's not the kind of love I'm trolling for right now. (Marty nods.) That's okay. I know what'll get them down here. (She cups her hands to her mouth and calls out.) Jesus! Shiny objects! Vibrators! Porn! Used schoolgirl underwear! Dead body! A naked asshole!

In a flash, all seven of the other housemates quickly rush down the stairs one by one. They see Toot and Marty standing inside the doorway and become confused. They begin looking at each other.

Clara: Wait a minute. Did we just get suckered downstairs by some kind of Pavlovian reflex kind of thing?

Spanky: (looking at Hero) So... still into the dead bodies, eh, Hero?

Hero: What are you talking about, Spanky? I came for the porn!

Foxxy: Wait a minute. I thought the porn was for Spanky! Who's the dead body for?

Wooldoor: Oh, that's for me! (He rushes in front of the others.) I've decided I want to be a forensic scientist like those guys on CSI, and I need the dead body to practice on! Xandir won't let me use him anymore.

Xandir: Well, you won't probe me where I want you to!

Clara: Wait. I'm confused. The dead body is for Wooldoor? Then who's the shiny object for?

Spanky: That would be for me! (Clara looks at him, confused.) I use the shiny object to distract your cousin Bleh while I take pictures of her with her top off!

Clara: But... Bleh isn't retarded anymore.

Spanky: Maybe not, but that still doesn't mean that the glittery glowies have lost their fascination for her.

Wooldoor: For some of us, that's a love we never get over.

Xandir: Wait a minute! I don't see any naked asshole here... just Toot. And she's got clothes on! So I guess it was half right.

Foxxy: Well, Toot, welcome back from your honeymoon. I'm sorry we didn't all rush down to greet you, but you kind of caught us off guard. We was expecting you a bit later.

Toot: Oh, that's okay, Foxxy. You can go ahead and fawn over me NOW, if you'd like.

Spanky: Fawn. Fawn. That good enough? Blah, blah, blah. So anyway, how was the trip?

Toot: Well, Paris was great, you guys. It was just as romantic as I had anticipated!

Xandir: Oh, she is! People don't realize there's another side to her besides the spoiled heiress and the whoring! (Toot stares at him in disbelief. Xandir looks at her questioningly.) Toot, you should have told me you were going to go visit her! I thought you were going to France or something! So was Nicole there too? Did you slap her for me?

Toot: Um... wow. I'm just going to leave that one alone. So anyway, we had lots of sex, and we did all kinds of fun stuff on the trip. I'll tell you about all the fun stuff. I could tell you about the sex too, but for that, it would be easier to just show you the video. But we can talk about that at breakfast. So who's cooking?

Foxxy: Not me or Hero! We're going to be too busy trying to plan our wedding! (The others, with the exception of Toot, eagerly turn to look at Foxxy and Hero.)

Clara: Oh, you're going to start getting your wedding plans together today? That's so wonderful! I want to help!

Wooldoor: Yeah, me too!

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling too!

Spanky: I can make toasts to everybody and pretend that I'm listening!

Toot: Wait a minute. That doesn't sound like anybody's going to be making breakfast. I don't think I care for this development.

Clara: Oh, who can think about eating breakfast when there's something this exciting going on?

Wooldoor: Yeah, we'll make some toast or something.

Toot: Toast? I did not drag my ass out of bed six hours early just for toast! Now somebody get off their ass and go make me some damn proper breakfast, okay?

Wooldoor: I think you guys should get married in Vegas! But by a real minister, not one of those Elvis types. Or it could be me dressed as Elvis. I don't THINK that would invalidate my marriage license...

Clara: How about Morningwood? We kinda did the courtyard thing already, but if you want something different, you guys could get married in the Great Hall!

Hero: I don't know, Clara. I'd feel weird getting married in a place where Foxxy and I had sex.

Foxxy: Which means pretty much the entirety of Morningwood is out.

Clara: You guys have been there TWICE.

Foxxy: And your point?

Clara: (sighing sadly) Oh, my sweet homeland... you seemed so innocent to me once.

Marty: I'll make you breakfast, Toot.

Toot: Well, that would be nice, Marty. But I want us all to have breakfast as a group so everybody can gush over the new bride!

Marty: (sighing) Guys... can we just have breakfast and talk about the honeymoon? You guys can make your wedding plans later.

Spanky: (ignoring Marty) Hey, can you guys send my wife an invitation? I'm not sure if she'd actually want to go, I just want her to have some hard evidence that I'm actually attending a wedding and not ditching her to go drinking and whoring.

Foxxy: She's really worried you'll do that?

Spanky: It's not without some justification.

Toot: (pleadingly) Marty...

Marty: Guys, come on. Please?

Xandir: I can make some of my tofu sausage! Or maybe some soy bacon.

Foxxy: For the wedding?

Xandir: No, for breakfast today! We can talk about your wedding while we're eating!

Toot: Hey!

Ling-Ling: This bad time to suggest Hello Kitty S&M Room?

Foxxy: Well, Ling-Ling, that sounds nice, but wouldn't something like that be more YOUR thing?

Hero: Foxxy, you're forgetting who he's married to.

Foxxy: Right. You're afraid Clara would get offended.

Ling-Ling: No... he more afraid Carla not get point at all.

Clara: What's S&M, you guys?

Spanky: It's about humiliation, Clara.

Clara: Oh, like praying in my sack dress? Is that what the S stands for? Sack dress? Hmm, I guess the M must stand for mortification, then. But... where does Hello Kitty come into it? Is that how Ling-Ling will be dressed?

Toot: Argh!

Wooldoor: Argh. Hmm... that gives me an idea! You guys should have a pirate theme for your wedding! You can wear eye patches and your best man can be a parrot!

Spanky: I'll give Xandir a wooden leg!

Toot: Is anybody even listening to me?

Spanky: No. (He turns back to Foxxy.) Have you ever thought about a disco themed wedding? I know this place where you can get a leisure suit-styled tux!

Toot: (sighing) Marty...

Marty: Guys, come on. If nothing else, you know that Toot isn't going to shut up about this until you give her your attention.

Spanky: Sorry, Marty. But you're the one who's married to her now. Making Toot shut up is now officially YOUR responsibility, not ours!

Toot: Hey! I am not some raving lunatic who needs to be shut up! I am a real person with real feelings, and real needs, and I could just use a little-

Marty: Okay! (In an instant, Marty grabs Toot, bends her back, and proceeds to kiss her passionately. Toot resists at first, but quickly relents and starts to enjoy the kiss. The room goes silent. Marty looks back at the others. He sees that they are watching him and Toot kiss. He looks at them with confusion. He momentarily breaks away from Toot's lips.) Um... you guys?

Hero: Yes?

Marty: I'm shutting Toot up for you. Shouldn't you be taking advantage of the silence to talk about your wedding?

Wooldoor: We'd rather watch you guys make out!

Marty is confused and a little bit creeped out. He looks at Toot questioningly. She shrugs.

Toot: Hey, attention is attention.

Marty shrugs as well and resumes kissing Toot. The others continue to look on. The scene fades.

CUE OPENING TITLES

The scene changes to the breakfast table, where the group is now coming to the end of their breakfast.

Toot: But with any luck, the stains should come out in six to eight weeks. (She puts her hands together.) And that's what our honeymoon was like! Any questions? (Wooldoor sticks his hand up.) Yes, Wooldoor?

Wooldoor: Can you give us a graphical recreation of just how nasty your honeymoon sex was?

Toot: (slightly confused) Um... I didn't really know you were into that kind of thing, Wooldoor.

Wooldoor: I'm not. But I know how that kind of talk grosses Clara out, and I'm hoping if you tell some nasty sex story, she won't feel like eating her last piece of sausage and she'll give it to me!

Clara: (picking up her plate and getting up from the table) I think I'll finish my breakfast in the living room, if that's okay.

Wooldoor: (to Clara as she leaves) Cop-out! (He turns back to Toot.) So tell me about the sex.

Toot: Now Wooldoor, just so you know, there was more happening on our honeymoon besides just sex.

Marty: Yeah, Wooldoor. It's not like getting married is some kind of license just so you can have more sex!

Hero: If it was, there'd be no point to Foxxy and me getting married!

Foxxy: Not until we can get over that seven minute hump, at least.

Spanky: Seven Minute Hump. That'd make a great title for a porn movie. True, it wouldn't be that long, but at least you wouldn't have to waste time with any of that "plot" nonsense.

Toot: Maybe when you're older, I'll tell you about sex, Wooldoor.

Wooldoor: Well, I'm older than I was when I first asked the question! Does that count?

Toot: Yeah, I guess it does. Okay, then, Wooldoor. Now it starts with this thing called foreplay. That usually involves Marty taking off my dress and/or stockings and caressing my-

Foxxy: Toot! (Toot looks over at Foxxy.) Toot, no offense, but I think that when the time comes, I'LL be the one giving Wooldoor his sexual education. After all, sex is a very complicated thing, and you've got to have someone who will teach it responsibly!

Toot: Yeah, cause responsible sex is totally your area of expertise, Foxxy!

Wooldoor: Well, if it's responsibility you're concerned with, maybe I should have Clara teach me. She'd be more responsible than anyone!

Foxxy: Wooldoor, you'd be in more of a position to teach CLARA about sex.

Spanky: (laughing) Ha ha! Cause Clara doesn't know anything about sex! That's why it's funny!

Ling-Ling: Hey! Ling-Ling not like you making fun of Carla like that! He want you guys to know he plenty sexually satisfied in marriage!

Spanky: Yes, because thankfully, all of your fetishes can be indulged without actually violating her.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling violate Carla plenty of times!

Spanky: Sure, Ling-Ling, if that's what you want to call it.

Ling-Ling: There no rule about how far he have to get it up in her!

Marty: That's not a very romantic way to describe sex, you guys. "Violating someone". It just makes it sound nasty.

Toot: Yes, it does. (With a gleam in her eye, she turns to Marty. She grins at him.)

Marty: Oh, good Lord. That turns you on, doesn't it?

Toot: (looking at Marty seductively) I don't know, Marty. I've never been... "violated"... before.

Marty: Toot, are you suggesting we do that hypothetical prison scenario you were talking about on the plane?

Toot: Let's go to my room! I have a hairbrush I can fashion into a shiv!

Getting up from the table, Toot grabs Marty's hand and rushes out of the room practically dragging Marty behind her. The others look at each other.

Foxxy: Well, guys. It does appear that Toot and Marty are in that post-honeymoon "can't keep their hands off each other" phase.

Hero: (looking at Foxxy) I can't wait until WE'RE in that phase, Foxxy! (Foxxy looks at Hero.) Um... because that would mean that I was now happily married to the woman I love!

Spanky: I remember when my wife and I were in that phase.

Xandir: Do you mean me, Spanky?

Spanky: Yeah, Xandir. I meant that time when you and I were doing it all the time. (Spanky rolls his eyes.)

Foxxy: Okay, so Hero, did you have any thoughts about where you wanted to have the wedding? It would need to be some place we could book in a hurry.

Hero: That probably lets out the fancier hotels, then.

Foxxy: We could always do it in a church. I'm sure one of them would have an opening a couple of months away.

Hero: That's a possibility. But... I don't know. I kind of wanted our wedding locale to be a little more special than that. There's nothing really special about a church.

Clara (in confessional): I don't care if Hero is Jewish, he's still going to hell for that remark!

Wooldoor: How about you guys get married in my homeland? The Land of the Peppermint Rainbow?

Foxxy: Is that place even still around?

Wooldoor: Sure it is! I mean, yeah, it's been paved over and turned into a theme park/Holocaust museum, but it'd still make a great place for a wedding! You'd just have to watch out for the carnies hanging around the place.

Foxxy: No, thanks, Wooldoor, we'll pass.

Wooldoor: Awwwww!

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling know perfect place to have wedding! He think Hero and Foxxy-san should get married in Tokyo. It very romantic, and Godzilla-attacking season not happen for three more months!

Hero: That might not be a bad idea. All the bridesmaids could be dressed as geishas.

Spanky: Ling-Ling... are you sure you aren't just suggesting that so you can try to lure Clara to the Hello Kitty S&M Room while we're there?

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling fail to see how that relevant here.

Spanky: Hey!

Foxxy: Actually, that idea could work, Ling-Ling. I'll mark that down as one of the choices. (Ling-Ling nods happily.)

Xandir: Oh! I know! You could have the wedding at my parents' house!

Foxxy: Your parents' house? Wouldn't it be a little small?

Xandir: Well, size doesn't really matter, Foxxy.

Spanky: Oh, you've got to chuckle at the irony.

Xandir: Well, not when it comes to something like this. Size DOES matter when you're talking about the size of the penis being plunged into your backside.

Spanky: And now you've ruined it.

Foxxy: Okay, well, I think we've got some good suggestions for places we can hold the wedding. I'll go make a few calls this afternoon and see if we can book a place and then we'll work on getting the details hammered out.

Hero: What kind of details?

Foxxy: Details like food, music- (Xandir immediately sticks his hand up.)

Xandir: Ooh! Ooh! I have a suggestion!

Hero: Xandir, no! We are not playing ANYTHING from ANY of the soundtracks to ANY of the High School Musical films at our wedding!

Xandir: Are you sure? Not even that song about staying in love forever? Seems like that would be perfect for a wedding, don't you think? (Foxxy and Hero look at Xandir skeptically.) Well, anyway, that wasn't what I was going to suggest. You guys, I would be honored if... you would let ME perform at your wedding.

Foxxy: You want to sing at our wedding?

Xandir: Sing? Oh no no. I'm only minorly talented as a singer. Where my true musical talents lie... are with these! (With that, he immediately whips out a huge set of bagpipes.) Impressive, huh? I know 72 songs on the bagpipes that are just PERFECT for weddings... including some that aren't even from High School Musical! Just watch!

Xandir begins to play the bagpipes. The others all cover their ears at the horrible squawking sound.

Hero: Oh, good Lord! He sucks!

Foxxy: Does he? I'm not so sure he does! For all we know, he could be playing them perfectly!

Spanky: True. With bagpipes, you can never tell. (Xandir stops playing and puts the bagpipes down.)

Xandir: So what do you think? Can I play at your wedding?

Foxxy: Um... we'll let you know.

Xandir: You didn't think I was good, did you?

Foxxy: Xandir, we thought you was great!

Xandir: Then can I play?

Foxxy: Um... sure. Why not?

Xandir: Yay! (He begins celebrating.) I'm going to perform at Foxxy and Hero's wedding! Yay Xandir! (Xandir happily dances out of the room. The others turn to Foxxy in shock.)

Spanky: Foxxy, are you serious? Don't tell me you actually liked that sound!

Hero: I honestly think I'd rather he sang!

Foxxy: Well, no, of course I didn't like it. It's just that he seemed so eager about performing at the wedding, and well... I didn't have the heart to break it to him.

Spanky: Well, unless you want all your wedding guests to be wearing kilts and eating haggis, you have to tell him he can't play those damn bagpipes at your wedding! Here, Foxxy, I'll tell you what. If you can't do it, I'LL go tell him.

Foxxy: I don't know, Spanky. I don't know if there's any way to tell him without hurting his feelings.

Spanky: That's okay. I'll just tell him WITH hurting his feelings.

Foxxy: Spanky, no. I'll do it myself. Just as soon as I figure out how.

Spanky: Well, all right, then. I wish you the best of luck. (With that, Spanky gets up and starts to leave the room.) In the meantime, I think I'll show Xandir my own instrument. I call it... the teabagpipes! (Spanky exits. Hero looks at Foxxy.)

Hero: You know, Foxxy, maybe the bagpipes would actually work. Having a Scottish theme for our wedding doesn't sound like a bad idea, now that I think about it.

Foxxy: I am not going to give you an excuse to do your Braveheart speech at the altar, Hero.

Hero: (begins speaking in a bad Scottish accent) For you can take away my bachelorhood, not to mention my single tax filing status, but you'll never take away.... (he looks up at the sky) MY FREE-

Foxxy: Yes, we've all seen the film, Hero. We know how the punch line goes.

Hero: Allrighty then.

The scene changes to upstairs. Clara is in her bedroom looking at a pamphlet she found on the dresser.

Clara: Hmm... this does look like a charming place. But why is Hello Kitty holding that whip? (At that moment, there is a knock at the door. Clara turns toward it.) Come in! Unless you're Spanky, in which case I should specify that I meant the "enter the room" definition of "come" and not the other one! (The door opens. Toot steps inside.)

Toot: Hey, Clara. Can I talk to you about something?

Clara: Oh, sure, Toot. What's the problem? (Toot enters and sits down on the bed.)

Toot: Well, there's no problem, Clara. Not yet, at least. But I do want your advice about something.

Clara: Toot, I'm flattered, but... before we start, is this going to be one of those things where you run back and forth between Foxxy and me and then ignore us both and do what you want anyway?

Toot: No, Clara. I wasn't even planning to talk to Foxxy this time, I promise. I just had a question about marriage and I figured since you were married, you might be able to advise me.

Clara: Oh, sure, Toot, no problem. What's on your mind?

Toot: Well, things are great between Marty and me right now, but I know that's because we're still kind of in the honeymoon phase. I know that won't last, though, so do you have any suggestions for ways we might be able to sort of... gently settle into things?

Clara: Well-

Toot: And don't say "Don't have sex!"

Clara: Now, Toot. "Don't have sex" is not my advice for EVERYTHING, you know!

Toot: No, but you do usually find a way to work it into the conversation somewhere.

Clara: Well, that was the old me. But now I'm happily married and I can have sex as much as I want!

Toot: Yes, but... once a month isn't enough for Marty and me! (Toot giggles.)

Clara: (sarcastically) Oh ha ha!

Toot: I'm sorry, Clara, you're just too easy. Well... maybe not in THAT sense...

Clara: I'm a prude, Toot, we get it. Can we just move on?

Toot: Sure, Clara. So seriously, any ideas for how Marty and I can help ease the transition? How did you and Ling-Ling do it?

Clara: There isn't really any big secret to it or anything. Just try not to worry about it too much... and don't forget how much you and Marty love each other.

Toot: Yeah, I somehow doubt it'll be that easy.

Clara: Fair enough. Well... with Ling-Ling and me, it was kind of an odd situation. I mean, I didn't even realize it was going to be a real marriage, so all the paranoia, all the obsessing... that didn't even enter into it for me.

Toot: But on your honeymoon, you realized it was actually love. That must have changed something, right?

Clara: Well, yes, it did.

Toot: So what happened the first time it hit you? The first time you realized that you weren't a bride anymore... you were a wife?

Clara: I don't remember... that was such an overwhelming time for me. I actually didn't think about it that much. I just kind of took things as they came.

Toot: Right. Well, maybe you have a point. Maybe I'm overthinking things. Maybe it'll be like you say- the change will be so gradual I won't even notice it.

Clara: Could be!

Toot: Well, thanks for your advice, Clara. I'm sure things will be okay. (She gets off the bed and walks over to the door.)

Clara: You need anybody to talk to about things, I'm always here.

Toot: (looking back at Clara) Sure, Clara. You bet.

With that, Toot opens the door and walks out. From downstairs, we hear a voice ringing out.

Xandir: (voice) Spanky! Quit teabagging me while I'm trying to play the bagpipes!

We hear Spanky laugh as Clara closes the door. The scene changes to Hero and Foxxy in the kitchen.

Hero: Oh, come on! Why not?

Foxxy: Well, Hero, while I admit that I personally would not mind having a gigantic ice sculpture of your penis at the reception... I just don't want to see you getting all upset once it starts melting. Plus, it would look really weird if somebody were to start licking it... or humping it. Either of which is quite possible.

Hero: Then how about a gigantic ice sculpture of your-

Foxxy: Yeah, I don't think so. Although that WOULD possess the advantage of Clara probably not knowing what it was. (Hero nods.)

The scene changes to the living room, where Xandir is sitting on the couch trying to play bagpipes while Spanky sits on top of his head.

Xandir: Come on, Spanky, let me up!

Spanky: No! Not until you put the bagpipes away!

Xandir: But Spanky, I want to play bagpipes!

Spanky: Xandir, do you want me to do this without the pants on?

Xandir: Well... (As Xandir pauses thoughtfully, Spanky sees immediately what is going on and gets up, disgusted.)

Spanky: Okay, I knew that was a bad idea. (As Spanky starts to walk away, we see Clara coming down the stairs.) See you later, Xandir. Way to ruin a good teabagging!

Spanky heads upstairs, passing Clara on the way. The doorbell rings. Clara walks over to the door and opens it. A look of surprise and irritation forms on her face.

Clara: Oh, dear God, it's YOU. What the hell are YOU doing back here?

The camera pulls out to reveal that standing in the doorway is none other than Reverend Smack Daddy.

Reverend: I'm just here to spread the word of Jesus. And maybe y'all's legs. But only if we're properly married first.

Clara: Sorry, Reverend Smack Daddy, but I told you last time I was here that I'm already married. And before you ask, no, I have no interest in converting to Mormonism.

Reverend: Fair enough. So how's you and your husband's sex life? You need any advice? If you'd like, you two can get it on and I can watch. It's okay, cause I'm a man of the cloth. And Jesus sees you guys when you do it anyway.

Clara: I don't have time for this today. Well, actually I do, but... I don't want to give it all up for this. (She turns toward the kitchen and calls out.) Foxxy? You'd better get in here!

As Clara turns and walks back upstairs, Foxxy and Hero enter from the kitchen. Foxxy sees Smack Daddy and becomes confused.

Foxxy: Smack Daddy?

Reverend: The one and only! (Foxxy walks over to him.)

Foxxy: Now what in the world is you doing here today? (She eyes him skeptically.) You didn't come to try to hook up with any of us, did you? Cause two of us is married now.

Reverend: Is one of those two you?

Foxxy: No, not yet. But I will be getting married myself very shortly, so I won't be able to share the hot intermarital sex with you either.

Reverend: Now, Foxxy! That wasn't what I came to ask you about at all!

Foxxy: It wasn't?

Reverend: No! I just came to tell y'all that I'm gonna be playing a cruise here in a couple of months. (He hands Foxxy a flyer.) Now it just so happens that the other entertainer dropped out and we need a new supporting act. And Foxxy... you were the first person I thought of.

Foxxy: No, I ain't, Reverend! If I'm gonna be a replacement performer, it means by definition that I'm the second person you thought of at best!

Reverend: True dat. True dat.

Foxxy: In either case, while I'm very flattered by your offer, I'm afraid I won't be able to attend. Hero and I are getting married here very soon and I'm afraid that this cruise would conflict with that.

Reverend: You sure? It'd be a great vacation for you.

Foxxy: Thank you, Reverend. But we really need to focus on getting our wedding together.

Reverend: Foxxy, we could really use you on this cruise. I'll tell you what. This cruise will be all expenses paid... you agree to perform and you can have your honeymoon on the boat, free of charge! (A thought starts to form in Hero's head.)

Foxxy: Money isn't a problem, actually, Reverend. The show is gonna pay for our wedding regardless.

Jew Producer: (over intercom) Is it going to do me any good to protest here?

Foxxy: No.

Jew Producer: (over intercom) Bah!

Hero: You know, Foxxy, I think that the Reverend has a point. A honeymoon cruise WOULD be awfully nice.

Foxxy: Well, yes, Hero, it would. But this cruise is less than two months away! We still have to get our wedding together!

Hero: So what if... we just had the wedding on the boat?

Foxxy: Had the wedding on the boat? Hero, again, that's a nice idea, but I'm honestly not sure it's practical.

Hero: Are you sure? Think about it. We were worried about being able to book a nice place on short notice... well, here's an awesome wedding locale practically being dropped right in our lap!

Foxxy: Well, maybe it would be good for US, but... would our friends be able to come?

Reverend: They're gonna let me have 25 seats. If you wanted, I could get y'all and all y'all's housemates on the boat. Your families too, I guess, just as long as you don't go inviting a bunch of cousins and so forth.

Foxxy: Well... all I really need is my parents, I guess. (She looks at Hero.) What about you?

Hero: Same here!

Foxxy: But would there be a place available for it? If this is a sold out cruise, I'm not sure there'd be an empty section of boat that we could hold it in!

Reverend: It's a pretty big boat. I could see to it that one of the decks was all yours for one of the days of the cruise. That is, if y'all ain't picky about what part of the boat you wanted to get married on.

Foxxy: I have to admit, it would solve a lot of problems. (She thinks for a minute.) All right, Smack Daddy. We'll do it on one condition.

Reverend: What's that?

Foxxy: That you leave us the hell alone when we're on this thing!

Reverend: Well... all right. You got a deal, Foxxy.

Hero: Yay!

Reverend: Thanks a lot, Foxxy!

Foxxy: You're welcome. Now get out of my house before you start corrupting my housemates again. (With that, the Reverend smiles, turns, and walks away. Foxxy turns to Hero excitedly.) Well, Hero... it looks like our wedding is set!

Hero: Looks like it is!

Foxxy: Let's go tell the others. (She turns around to call upstairs, only to discover that all of her housemates are already standing there waiting for her.) Well, that was quick!

Wooldoor: Awwww... did I miss the sleazy rapper? Clara said that we had another one of those here!

Clara: Not another one, Wooldoor. The same one as before.

Wooldoor: It's too bad I missed him. I just discovered 37 new church-acceptable words for prostitute!

Foxxy: Anyway, y'all, I just signed on to perform on this cruise (she hands Toot the flyer, who proceeds to pass it around to the others), and in return, they're gonna let Hero and me have our wedding there!

Wooldoor: That's awesome, Foxxy! Say, speaking of performing-

Foxxy: Oh, God, here we go.

Wooldoor: Foxxy, can I sing at your wedding? Pleeeeeeeease?

Foxxy: And since when is you so anxious to get up and sing in front of people, Wooldoor?

Wooldoor: Ever since I kicked Spanky's ass at karaoke that one time! I'd give anything to feel that rush again.

Clara: Wooldoor, that's just crazy talk.

Foxxy: Yeah.

Clara: If any of us gets to sing at Foxxy's wedding, it should be ME! I'm one of Foxxy's nearest, dearest friends, and more importantly, I happen to be a trained professional vocalist. (She turns to Foxxy.) Foxxy, I would be truly honored if you would allow me to perform at your wedding. I beat Whitney Houston at karaoke night once!

Spanky: And later that night, Bobby Brown-

Foxxy: Spanky, don't go there. (She turns to Clara.) We'll think about it, Clara. Okay?

Xandir: Hey! If she gets to sing, then I get to play bagpipes! It's only fair!

Clara: How?

Xandir: Cause I asked to perform first!

Spanky: You're using the word "perform" rather liberally there, Xandir. (Xandir is irritated.)

Wooldoor: No! No! I should be the one who gets to sing!

Foxxy: And now the floodgates have been opened.

Ling-Ling: Hey, Ling-Ling not exactly chopped liver, people! He know pornographic version of Ling-Ling battle song that be perfect for chocolate animal woman honeymoon night!

Wooldoor: I do an awesome version of "Wind Beneath My Wings"! I can even provide my own percussion by slapping my naked buttocks!

Spanky: Can I recite Beatnik poetry while I play the teabagpipes?

Foxxy: Oh, good God, y'all! What is with this sudden thing of everybody wanting to perform at our wedding? Y'all didn't pull this crap when Toot was getting married!

Wooldoor: That's because Toot was such a Nazi about everything, she never gave us a chance!

Toot: Hey!

Wooldoor: Sorry, Toot, but it's true. (Stunned, Toot begins to sulk.)

Foxxy: Let's never mind about that right now, y'all. We've got a wedding to plan. Hero and I are going to go pick out decorations and stuff, and in the meantime, the rest of you can work on getting your travel plans in order. And if y'all has any questions about-

Clara: What about me singing at your wedding?

Wooldoor: And me singing?

Xandir: And me playing bagpipes?

Spanky: And me cutting up said bagpipes with a chainsaw?

Foxxy: Guys, I don't have time for this. I'll decide later who performs, if anybody. In the meantime, Hero and I are going to be very busy, so if y'all could just direct all your other questions to my maid of honor, I would very much appeciate it.

Spanky: So who's your maid of honor?

Foxxy begins to turn her head to look at the person in question. The others all react with dread.

Wooldoor: Oh, no.

Spanky: Oh, crap.

The camera pulls out to reveal that Foxxy is looking at Toot, who has a huge grin on her face. Foxxy smiles and walks away, followed by Hero. The others turn away in disappointment.

(to be continued...)

[Raymond-Raymond]

Part 2

Toot (in confessional): (still grinning) Ha ha ha! So they thought I was a Nazi, did they? I'll show them! I'll be TWICE the Nazi planning this wedding than I was with the last one! (She throws her head back and does an evil, maniacal laugh.) Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! (She looks back at the camera again, resuming a normal expression.) Yes, I'm aware of the irony of a Jewish person being compared to a Nazi.

The scene changes to the kitchen, where we see Foxxy and Hero sitting at the table going over a piece of paper.

Hero: So is your Uncle Jimmy coming?

Foxxy: I don't know, Hero. It all depends on whether or not he'll be able to make parole.

Hero: Do you think he'll know soon? I'm not sure if we'll be able to hold his seat for him. We don't have that many to spare.

Foxxy: (looking slightly sad) I know.

Hero: (noticing Foxxy's expression) Foxxy? Is everything okay?

Foxxy: Everything's fine, Hero.

Hero: (taking her hands) Foxxy, look, I know the wedding cruise sounded like a great idea, but we don't have to do it if you're having second thoughts about the idea. I realize having 25 seats between us, including our housemates, isn't a lot by any means, so if you'd rather cancel it all and have a big, fancy wedding, I'm totally on board! (He becomes excited.) Hey! I made a pun!

Foxxy: No, Hero. Honestly, I don't want a big, fancy wedding. After seeing what happened with Toot's wedding, I've come to realize that maybe smaller and intimate is better.

Hero: At least, that's what Clara seems to think!

Ling-Ling (in confessional): (sighing) Yes, Ling-Ling have small penis. Seriously, people, WE GET IT already!

Foxxy: But if you break it down, the small seating isn't a problem at all. Now there's you and me, which makes two, and our housemates, which brings the total to eight. I'm assuming that Toot won't come without Marty, so that's nine, which still leaves us with sixteen seats, or eight apiece. And once you exclude our housemates, I honestly don't think there's eight people in the world I care about that much.

Hero: Same here.

Foxxy: So, really, I am more than fine with things as they are.

Hero: Me too. (He thinks for a moment.) Although there might be ONE more problem to deal with.

Foxxy: What's that?

Hero: Like you said, after you and me and all the others, we still have eight seats left between us... which is fine as far as you and I go, but... what if the others start wanting to bring guests of their own?

Foxxy: That's a good question. Let's talk to the others.

Foxxy (in confessional): I decided that a group meeting would be a good idea. I also decided that a confessional segment announcing my intention of having a group meeting would be a good idea for the purposes of scene transition.

Cut to the kitchen. All of the housemates plus Marty are now gathered around.

Foxxy: All right, y'all, now we's kind of low on available seats, but we've done the math, so if y'all want, each of you is going to be allowed to bring one guest.

Clara: Well... I suppose I could invite Bleh.

Spanky: I could bring my wife, I guess.

Xandir: I can invite Fernando!

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling think honorable father might enjoy salt air.

Toot: I haven't done anything with my cousin Betty in a while. This could be a nice chance for us to spend some time together.

Foxxy: What about you, Wooldoor? Who do you want to invite?

Wooldoor: I don't know. I asked Unusually Flexible Girl, and I don't think she's going to be able to go.

Foxxy: Well, is there someone else you'd like to invite?

Wooldoor: That's very nice of you to ask, Foxxy, but... aside from her, I honestly don't think there's anybody outside this house that I really care about having at the wedding.

Foxxy: Well, that's very sweet of you, Wooldoor!

Xandir: (sticking his hand up) Ooh! In that case, I want to use his extra seat to invite Alfredo!

Toot: Forget it, Xandir. You don't get two invites!

Foxxy: Actually, Toot, if Wooldoor's not planning to use his extra seat, I don't see what the problem is. Xandir, you're more than welcome to invite both of your boyfriends along.

Xandir: Yay!

Toot: Foxxy, I really don't think that would be a good idea. It might upset the balance.

Xandir: Look who's talking about upsetting the balance! You're bringing two people! What about Marty?

Toot: Marty was already invited, douchewad!

Xandir: So? He's still your boyfriend, that makes him technically your guest! And since you have two, I'm having two!

Toot: Well, if you're going to be that way... what about Spanky? You were married to him! I say that makes him technically YOUR guest!

Xandir: Spanky and I broke up a long time ago, Toot.

Toot: Oh, did you? Did I or did I not see you two getting intimate in the living room this morning?

Xandir: We weren't being intimate! He was teabagging me! (Spanky snickers to himself.)

Clara: Actually, that would count as being intimate under Morningwood law.

Xandir: Well, it doesn't count either way, Toot. Spanky's a housemate, so he's exempt.

Toot: Then so is Marty.

Xandir: No, he's not! Marty's not a housemate!

Marty: Excuse me! I've been living in this house with you guys for a year and a half now and I'm STILL not considered a housemate?

Xandir: Nope!

Toot: Well, tough noogies, Xandir. Marty's coming, like it or not, and so's my cousin Betty! And you can invite either Fernando or Alfredo, but not both.

Xandir: Foxxy!

Foxxy: Now, Toot, calm yourself down. We told Xandir he could invite both of them, and he can.

Toot: No, he can't. I'm overruling you, Foxxy.

Clara: Oh, God, here we go.

Foxxy: You can't overrule me, Toot!

Toot: Yes, I can! I'm the maid of honor!

Foxxy: Well, I'm the BRIDE!

Toot: As maid of honor, I decree myself to have more authority than the bride! Therefore, what I say goes! So sorry, Xandir, you gotta pick one or the other.

Xandir: Awwww!

Toot: And don't whine about it or I may not let you invite anybody!

Xandir: Fine! Do that, and I'll just hook up with one of the cabin boys!

Toot: Not unless I say it's okay! If you don't get in line, Xandir, I *may* institute a no-hooking-up-with-random-strangers rule on this cruise! (Foxxy sighs in frustration. Marty begins to look at Toot with concern.)

Wooldoor: That's okay, Xandir. If Toot won't let you invite Alfredo, I'll just use MY invite and invite him for you!

Xandir: Wow, you'd do that for me, Wooldoor? Thanks a lot!

Toot: Nuh uh! Another rule of this cruise, nobody's allowed to invite other people's guests for them!

Foxxy: Toot, seriously, knock it off, or I'm not going to let you be my maid of honor!

Toot: Decision to fire me overruled! Toot still in charge! (Toot steps in front of the others and walks over to Foxxy.) Now, then. Are you two dead set on having the honeymoon suite for yourselves? (Foxxy looks at Toot skeptically. Marty continues to look concerned.)

Marty (in confessional): I knew Toot well enough by now to realize what was going on. It was her perfectionist streak that made her go crazy with her own wedding, but here, I could tell she was just doing it out of spite. I had to talk to her immediately.

Toot: Now, then. The food. I propose we make it a Mexican themed wedding with tacos and enchiladas!

Foxxy: No.

Toot: Overruled! And if you try to suggest that the wedding party NOT be wearing sombreros, I'm going to overrule that too. Now, about this ice sculpture you two were planning to have... I'm thinking we'll get rid of that and replace it with a large fountain of yogurt. Not the yucky kind, though. The good kind. The kind that tastes like ice cream.

Marty: (taking Toot by the arm) Toot, can I talk to you for a minute? (He steps aside with her.)

Toot: What is it, Marty?

Marty: Now I realize that you're pissed off about that Nazi crack that Wooldoor made, and you have every right to be. But seriously, this is not an appropriate way to handle things.

Toot: Excuse me?

Marty: Foxxy and Hero are trying to make their day as special as they can, and it's not your place to fight them on it, especially when this particular issue doesn't even concern them.

Toot: Marty, are you... lecturing me?

Marty: No, Toot, I'm not lecturing you. I'm just- look, I'm sorry they called you a Nazi. You didn't deserve it. But don't take it out on Foxxy and Hero. They're just trying to make their day as special as yours was. (Toot by now is just staring at Marty.) Toot? You okay? (Toot continues to stare.)

Toot (in confessional): That was the first time that Marty had ever taken me to task for anything. It's true, I did kind of deserve it, and true, he was very diplomatic about it. But all the same, that's when I realized that it was happening. A little bit of the glow from the honeymoon had been chipped away. It was just starting to hit me that I wasn't a bride anymore... I was a wife.

Toot: Right. I'm sorry, Marty. (She turns back to the others.) Sorry, you guys. (She turns to Foxxy.) Foxxy, all the stuff you decided is back on. You can be in charge again. (Toot then turns back to the others.) If you guys want to perform, you'll have to run that by Foxxy. She can answer all your questions about inviting people too.

With that, Toot looks at Foxxy for a moment. She then turns to the others and looks at them. Everyone else is confused. Without saying a word, Toot finally turns and runs upstairs. The others stare after her, confused.

Wooldoor: What's with her?

Marty: Toot's just feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment.

Wooldoor: Oh. That sucks. (Without missing a beat, he turns to Foxxy.) So anyway, are you guys going to let me sing? If you don't like "Wind Beneath My Wings", I can sing something else. Do you know "Bootylicious"?

Foxxy sighs and hangs her head down. Clara looks upstairs, concerned. She turns to Marty questioningly. Marty returns her glance, but says nothing.

Clara (in confessional): I wasn't sure what was going on, but I had a feeling that this was somehow related to the brief talk that Toot and I had earlier. Marty gave me a brief rundown of what happened between him and Toot, and I decided I'd better go talk to her.

The scene changes to Toot's bedroom, where we see Toot sitting on her bed deep in thought. There is a knock at the door.

Toot: Don't come in!

Clara: Why, are you naked?

Toot: No, I'm just being contrary. Come in if you want. (The door opens. Clara enters.) What's up, Clara?

Clara: Toot, I think we need to have a talk. One married woman to another.

Toot: Married woman. Right.

Clara: That little blow-up you had down there... did it have anything to do with what we were talking about earlier?

Toot: I can't say, Clara. We didn't really talk about anything earlier. If I recall, I came to you with a problem, and you kind of spouted some vague advice that didn't really tell me anything.

Clara: Well, I'm sorry, Toot. The only reason I didn't say much before was because I didn't really know what to say. I wasn't really sure of the situation, so I was hesitant to give advice.

Toot: Well... if I explained the situation to you, do you think you'd be able to help me?

Clara: I'll try, Toot.

Toot: Well, basically, I'm still kind of worried about getting used to the idea of being a wife. I wasn't really having a problem with it before, but when Marty and I had that little incident downstairs... I don't know.

Clara: But surely, you've had fights before.

Toot: We have, but... I don't know. (Toot struggles for words for a moment.) I don't know. I'm not quite sure how to say what I'm feeling. Maybe I'm just making myself paranoid again.

Clara: Maybe. But maybe not. Just... try talking your thoughts out. I think between us we can figure out what's going on.

Toot: Okay. Well... yeah, Marty and I have had fights. But that was before!

Clara: Before what?

Toot: Before we were married!

Clara: What's significant about that? Did you think once you got married, you wouldn't fight anymore?

Toot: No, of course not. Well... (Clara looks at Toot questioningly.) I don't know. Maybe I did.

Clara: Go on.

Toot: I mean, yeah, I knew our entire married life wasn't going to be stress-free. But then... all through the wedding, and all through the honeymoon, things were so great between us... I just got so wrapped up in how happy I was that all the negative things got kind of pushed aside for a while. Yeah, the wedding had its own headaches, but once it was over, and I was married to Marty, I felt like all my past problems were over. But then when I had that little moment downstairs... I guess that was kind of my reality check.

Clara: I admit, I didn't really catch everything that Marty said to you, but was it really that bad?

Toot: It wasn't what Marty said so much, Clara, it was the whole situation. I mean, there I was, all happy about being a new bride and leaving my old life as the punching bag behind me, and then pow, out of nowhere, Wooldoor makes that crack about me being a Nazi!

Clara: Ah. So this about Wooldoor, then.

Toot: Well... no. Not entirely. I mean, yeah, that pissed me off, but I kind of expect that crap out of Wooldoor. But then after I had my tantrum over it and Marty took me aside... I guess... oh, my God. No, that couldn't be it. (She begins to think.) Or could it?

Clara: Could what?

Toot: I was the old Toot again. Somebody insulted me and I threw a fit over it. And instead of swooping in and making everything better like he usually does, Marty actually took me to task for it. Suddenly, I didn't feel like the new me who had her life in order... I felt like the old me. The one who let the others get to her. And for once, Marty didn't step right in to pick me back up. I mean, I realize that being my husband doesn't mean that he needs to let me get away with crap. But all the same... it was a new experience to me, and I'm not quite sure how to handle it.

Clara: I see. Well... I do have one thought on the matter.

Toot: What's that?

Clara: (thinking for a minute) No. No, maybe I'd better not say. The more I think about it, the more I worry that I might be wrong.

Toot: Please, Clara, tell me.

Clara: I don't know, Toot. It was just a random thought I had, but now that I think about it, I'm pretty ignorant about these matters. I'd hate to give you advice and then only have it mess things up even further.

Toot: Clara, I'm looking for any insight I can get my hands on here. You seem to have stumbled onto something. What is it?

Clara: I don't know. Maybe Marty's the one you should be talking to instead of me.

Toot: Come on, Clara! Please tell me! Please, Clara... I'm desperate! (Clara looks troubled.) Clara, I promise, if this blows up in my face, I won't hold you accountable for anything!

Clara: But I'd hold myself accountable.

Toot: Clara, please! I'll do anything! (An idea suddenly hits Clara. We see her thinking for a moment.)

Clara (in confessional): If this were an old cartoon, this would probably be the moment where there'd be an angel me on one shoulder and a devil me on the other shoulder. There wasn't, because I would never subscribe to whatever religion endorses THAT brand of nonsense, but... well, I picked the bad one.

Clara: Anything?

Toot: Anything!

Clara: Okay, then.

The scene changes to the kitchen downstairs. Foxxy and Hero are at the table, still discussing wedding plans.

Hero: Actually, that taco thing didn't sound like a bad idea. I think we should seriously consider it.

Foxxy: Fair enough. But I draw the line at the entire wedding party wearing sombreros.

Hero: Awwwww! (At that moment, Toot walks into the room.)

Toot: Hey, Hero. Hey, Foxxy.

Foxxy: Hey, Toot. Everything okay?

Toot: Yeah, yeah, everything's fine. So do you guys have the wedding all planned out yet?

Foxxy: We're getting there. Why?

Toot: Cause I need to tell you about a last minute change in the agenda. Um... Clara's gonna sing at your wedding.

Foxxy: Say what now?

Toot: Yeah. In fact, I'll go ahead and pencil it in there. (She grabs the paper away from Foxxy and hastily scribbles some writing on it.) There. I just added Clara's performance to the wedding schedule.

Foxxy: Toot, that was the invite list. And Clara was already on there.

Hero: I guess now she can come twice! Which is a rarity for her.

Toot: It's not a problem, is it, Foxxy?

Foxxy: Well... I don't know. Toot, are you going to overrule me if I say no?

Toot: No, Foxxy, of course not. I promise, I'm done power tripping. If you say she can't sing, you're the bride, that's your decision.

Foxxy: Thank you, Toot.

Toot: Of course, if you do say no, you'll have to be the one to tell her that cause I kind of already promised her she could. (She quickly turns to walk away, holding a hand up as she does so.) Toodles! (With that, she exits.)

Foxxy: Toot! Toot, come back here! (It is no use. Toot is gone.) Goddammit!

Hero: Well, Foxxy, is it really a problem if Clara sings? She's pretty good, you have to admit.

Foxxy: Well, yes, Hero, Clara's fantastic. But that's not what I'm worried about.

Hero: What are you worried about?

In an instant, Wooldoor, Xandir, Spanky, and Ling-Ling appear in the room and immediately descend upon Foxxy.

Xandir: So what's this I hear about you letting Clara sing at the wedding, Foxxy? Is that true?

Foxxy: I haven't decided yet!

Wooldoor: If Clara gets to sing, I do! I asked first!

Xandir: Well, I asked to play bagpipes before either of you said anything! So if anybody gets to perform, it's me!

Spanky: I'm serious, I have my chainsaw all revved up and ready to go. Destroying those stupid bagpipes will be a hell of a crowd pleaser!

Ling-Ling: (singing in a sultry jazz style) Hero into Foxxy go, fulfill destiny in her-

Wooldoor: Oh, no, you don't, Ling-Ling! (He begins singing in a very loud and off-key manner.) Did you ever know that you're my hero? Oh, you didn't? Well, are you dumb or something? How could you possibly miss it? Seriously, are you completely without the ability to recognize when you're being the wind beneath someone's wings?

Xandir: (singing) Get ready... to fire the load!

Spanky: (covering his ears) I thought you were going to play bagpipes, Xandir, not sing!

Xandir: I don't have my bagpipes with me, Spanky, so I'm having to improvise. (resumes singing) Something something something glory hole...

As Hero stands looking confused, Foxxy covers her ears and hangs her head in frustration.

Foxxy (in confessional): I wasn't sure if this whole thing wasn't Toot's subtle way of getting me to give her back her ruling authority with regard to the wedding, but I did know one thing. I did not intend to let her get away with it.

As the rest of the housemates continue trying to sing over top of each other, we see Foxxy turn and march out of the room. The camera lingers on the chaotic scene for a moment.

Spanky: (singing) Oh, I'll be coming round her mountains when I come...

Hero: Maybe I can get these guys to do this at the reception, and then in the distraction, I can sneak off to have sex with Foxxy!

The scene changes to Foxxy stomping upstairs. She is about to head to Toot's room when she hears voices inside Clara's room, whose door is slightly cracked. Foxxy stops and listens for a moment. The camera cuts to inside the room.

Toot: All right, Clara. I told Foxxy you were going to sing at her wedding. So what's your big advice?

Clara: Is it confirmed? Did Foxxy say I definitely could sing?

Toot: Well, no, not yet. But I'm sure she will! She has to!

Clara: Well, once she does, that's when I'll give you my advice. (The camera cuts briefly to Foxxy looking thoughtful before the view changes to inside the room once more.)

Toot: Clara, I've done all I can. Please cut me some slack. I really want to get this marriage started on the right foot.

Clara: Why is it so hard to clear me a spot on the wedding schedule? Just do like you did with your own wedding and go all Nazi on Foxxy until she gives in!

Toot: (becoming frustrated) Goddammit, I am not a Nazi! Will you people please stop calling me that?

Outside the door, we see Foxxy come to a decision. The camera cuts once more to Toot and Clara inside the room. Clara looks somewhat ashamed of her remark, but says nothing. Toot is irritated for a moment, but regains control of herself.

Toot: Okay, Clara. That's fine. Just tell me what to do about this Marty situation and I'll go all Nazi on Foxxy until she lets you sing. (At this, Foxxy bursts into the room.)

Foxxy: The hell you will!

Clara: I should have seen this coming. Foxxy, I'm-

Foxxy: Quiet, Clara. I'll deal with you a minute.

Clara: Okay.

Foxxy: Toot, I am not pleased with the mess you left me with down there. That was very selfish of you, and I think you owe me an apology.

Toot: Right. I'm sorry, Foxxy.

Foxxy: Now based on what I heard of y'all's conversation, I'm guessing your behavior has something to do with some kind of marriage issue you're facing. Am I right?

Toot: Yes. I was trying to get Clara to give me some advice about the situation, and the only way she'd do it was if I'd pull strings so she could sing at the wedding.

Foxxy: I see. (She thinks for a minute.) Well... I know you two well enough by now to know that you're both sorry for what you did. (Toot and Clara look down in shame, but remain silent.) So in an effort to straighten out this whole thing for everybody, I'm going to make a deal with both of you.

Toot: What's that?

Foxxy: Toot, I'll let you be in charge of planning the wedding again... if you promise that the first thing you use your power for is to come downstairs with me and get all those crazies off my back!

Toot: Really? You would trust me with that kind of responsibility?

Foxxy: Yes, Toot, I would. (Toot smiles.) Now I admit that you do get crazy from time to time, but you have a pretty good record of doing the right thing in the end.

Toot: Thanks, Foxxy.

Foxxy: Now about your other problem. Clara? (Clara looks at Foxxy attentively.) Clara, if you'll quit jerking Toot around and just tell her this big advice you have for her... then I'll let you sing at my wedding.

Clara: Wow, really, Foxxy? (Clara looks down again, her shame momentarily coming back to her.) Well... I'll tell you my advice, Toot. But after the way I behaved... I don't know if I can accept your offer to sing anymore.

Foxxy: Just come downstairs with us, Clara. I have a feeling that things will work out okay.

Clara: Okay.

Foxxy turns to walk out the door. Toot and Clara get up to follow her. Foxxy stops in the doorway and turns back to the other two for a moment.

Foxxy: Oh, and Toot?

Toot: Yes?

Foxxy: I'm sorry that we called you a Nazi.

Toot: (smiling) Thanks, Foxxy.

Clara: No, I'm the one who should apologize. You never called her a Nazi, Foxxy. I did.

Toot: Hey, don't worry, Clara. It's all good.

Foxxy: All right, y'all. Now let's go downstairs and watch this mess get straightened out through the magic of the Foxxy!

Toot and Clara both smile and follow Foxxy out of the room. The scene changes to the living room downstairs where the others are still busy trying to talk over each other. Marty has now entered the room, and he stands back in the corner observing the chaos.

Wooldoor: (singing) Almost paradise... I'm knocking on heaven's door... (Wooldoor turns around and knocks on his buttocks, then opens the doorknob on his butt.)

Xandir: Ow! Spanky, you're not supposed to be teabagging me now! I don't even have my bagpipes with me!

Spanky: I fail to see how that's relevant here! (He points to the others in triumph.) Ha! That's right, losers! That's my new catchphrase and I'm taking it back!

Ling-Ling: (to the tune of Fleetwood Mac's "Go Your Own Way") Roving you... wouldn't be light thing to do...

Hero: Too bad Foxxy isn't here. This would be a perfect time to sneak off for a quick romp in the closet! (Foxxy, Clara, and Toot appear on the stairs.) Yay! She's here! (Hero dashes over to Foxxy.) So, Foxxy... your closet or mine? I hope yours, cause you've got all those kinky sex aids.

Foxxy: In a minute, Hero. First, I got some stuff to straighten out. (Foxxy looks at Toot.) All right, Toot. Let her rip! (Toot proceeds to cup her hands to her mouth and bellow as loud as she can.)

Toot: (yelling in as loud and shrill a voice as she can muster) All right, assholes, cut the noise and listen up!

Spanky: (covering his ears again) Agh! How the hell did Xandir get his bagpipes back so fast? Oh, wait, that's just Toot.

Toot: Okay, listen up, you douchewads. All of you can just stop your yammering right now. I'm in charge of this wedding again, and I say that none of you gets to sing!

Xandir: What about-

Toot: Xandir, you know how we've said that your singing sounds like a cat being murdered? (Xandir nods.) Well, those bagpipes sound like a cat being tortured and yowling mercifully for the punishment to end but never quite being granted the sweet release that death would bring!

Xandir: I don't get it.

Toot: I know you don't. (She turns to Wooldoor.) And Wooldoor, your voice does have a certain childlike appeal to it. (He smiles.) But this a wedding, not goddamn Sesame Street. So if there happens to be a karaoke machine at the reception, feel free to wail away, but as for the wedding itself- no.

Spanky: Should I even ask?

Toot: I wouldn't bother. (She looks at Ling-Ling.) Ling-Ling, I wasn't clear about you. Did you want to sing or dance or... recite Japorean poetry, or... whatever the hell it is you do?

Ling-Ling: Uh...

Toot: Sorry, but no. (Ling-Ling is slightly irritated, but does not fight. Toot turns to face the others.) Guys... I know that you all just want to be a part of the big day. But this day is all about Foxxy and Hero, and celebrating what THEY give to the world. Not a day for our own personal ego trips.

Wooldoor: I guess you're right.

Toot: So I'm sorry to smash all your artistic ambitions, but the only person who gets to sing at Foxxy's wedding... aside from Foxxy herself... (she turns to Clara) is Clara.

Clara smiles. The others, however, are not pleased with the decision.

Spanky: Excuse me? The hell? CLARA? I mean... what the hell? Unless- (Spanky grins.)

Toot: She won't be singing naked, Spanky.

Spanky: Then I reclaim my previous position of... what the hell?

Wooldoor: Yeah! This is favoritism! I don't quite know why you're favoring Clara, of all people, but... yeah!

Xandir: Screw you, Toot! We put up with your nonsense when you were the one getting married, but it's not your wedding this time! It's Foxxy's! (Xandir turns to Foxxy.) Foxxy? (Foxxy looks at Xandir attentively.) Will you please tell your maid of honor to quit her damn power tripping and let me perform at the wedding?

Wooldoor: Yeah, me too!

Spanky: And me! Wait. What did I want to do at the wedding again?

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling let land whale decision stand.

Xandir: So come on, Foxxy! Tell Toot to knock it off!

Wooldoor: Yeah!

Foxxy looks at the angry mob for a moment, but before she can say anything, Toot steps in.

Toot: Oh, by the way, guys? One more thing. (Xandir, Wooldoor, and Spanky look at her.) One more little rule I need to inform you guys about. Going over my head... is NOT ALLOWED!

Xandir: But-

Toot: No buts! And if you make a crack about the ass kind of butts, I'll seal yours up with window caulk!

Xandir: (grabbing his ass in fear) No! Not that!

Toot: Now I want the rest of you to go ahead and knock it off! If Foxxy wants to let you perform, she's more than free to make that decision for herself later on. But in the meantime, just leave her the hell alone and let her plan her wedding in peace! Okay? (The group is not quite mollified, but they realize they aren't going to win the argument. One by one, each person nods in acquiescence and slowly backs away. Toot turns to Clara.) Now, then, Clara. If it's okay with you, I'd really like to hear that advice you were thinking of.

Clara: Okay, Toot. And before I say anything, I just want to say that I'm truly sorry for how I acted before. I promise to never again hold my advice hostage just to get a favor out of you. From now on, if you need anything from me, I'll give it unconditionally, no questions asked.

Toot: Yeah, you're very sorry, blah, blah, blah. So anyway. Your advice?

Clara: Well, Toot, like I was saying before, this particular situation isn't something that's come up with me and Ling-Ling, so my viewpoint may not be the most informed one. But the issue of Marty standing up to you... I'd take that as a GOOD thing.

Toot: How so?

Clara: Well, Toot, in the past, whenever you've acted out, we've tended to just go along with you because we know how psychotic you get whenever you don't get your way, and because we know how fragile you can be about things. But Marty knows you better than anybody by now, and if he felt that it was okay for him to give you the straight scoop and not sugarcoat it... well, I would take that as a sign that he thinks you don't need to be protected anymore... that you're strong enough now to handle a little criticism.

Toot: I guess that makes sense.

Clara: I think Marty felt that it would mean more to you to talk to you as an equal rather than someone he had to talk down to.

Toot: Yeah... maybe you're right, Clara. Thanks a lot. I do feel better now.

Clara: (smiling) I'm glad I could help.

Foxxy: (walking over to the pair) That was awesome, Clara. I couldn't have said it better myself. I think in your own way, you've come just as far as Toot.

Clara: Thanks.

Toot: Yeah... after that, I think Foxxy would agree that you've earned the right to sing at her wedding.

Foxxy: You sure have.

Clara: (beginning to look worried) Actually... I'm not so sure about that, you guys.

Foxxy: Whatchoo talkin' about, Clara?

Clara: I still feel like I kind of strong-armed this decision out of you. And the others have a point. Letting me sing instead of them IS kind of favoritism... especially since Xandir and Wooldoor did ask first. (Clara looks up at Foxxy.) So thank you, Foxxy. Thank you, Toot. But it wouldn't be right for me to accept this.

Foxxy: Okay, Clara, now I think you're just trying to make yourself look good. You aiming for a gold star or something?

Toot: I see your point, Clara. But you know what? Screw that. I want you to sing anyway.

Clara: I don't think I deserve it.

Toot: Yes, you do, dammit! I mean, forget favoritism and all. You know why you should be the one to sing at the wedding? Cause you're the only one in that bunch who can actually sing!

Foxxy: That's true. Talent should count for SOMETHING!

Clara: Well, in that case... okay! (With a huge smile on her face, she turns to Foxxy.) Foxxy, I would be honored to sing at your wedding.

Foxxy: And I would be honored to have you sing at it.

Toot: Awesome! Well, it looks like we did it, guys! We really did get everything straightened out!

Wooldoor: Not so fast, Toot!

Toot: Excuse me?

Wooldoor: I asked to sing first, and I intend to sing first, dammit! Never mind who's more talented... in the Land of the Peppermint Rainbow, firsties are the law!

Toot: Well, if we're going strictly by who asked first, then Xandir-

Wooldoor: Yeah, Spanky already cut up Xandir's bagpipes and flushed them down the toilet. (Spanky, now holding a large pair of gardening shears and a plunger, snickers. Xandir gasps.) So yeah, I'm first in line. (An angry look forms on Toot's face as she points a finger at Wooldoor.) And just so you know, I don't intend to let this drop, so if you don't let me sing at the wedding, I'm going to pee in all of your shoes!

Clara: Oh, good Lord.

Toot: Wooldoor, how are you even going to be in a position to sing anyway? Aren't you going to be performing the ceremony?

Wooldoor: I don't know, Toot. Foxxy hasn't said! (Without missing a beat, Toot turns to Foxxy.)

Toot: Foxxy, if Wooldoor agrees to quit whining about wanting to sing, will you let him perform the ceremony?

Foxxy: Sure. I don't have a problem with that.

Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeeeee! I'm going to marry two more of my closest friends! Wow, before too long, I'll marry everybody in the house!

Spanky: Too bad you're not Reverend Smack Daddy, or that would give you just cause to have sex with everybody in the house!

Wooldoor: Maybe it's better I'm not. I'm really only interested in sex with exactly half of you guys. (Wooldoor turns and motions to the other guys.) Come on, guys. In celebration of scoring yet another sweet minister gig, let's all go out and get stinking drunk!

Wooldoor walks out, followed by Spanky and Xandir. Toot turns to Foxxy and Clara.

Toot: Well, guys... looks like we did it!

Clara: Yeah, we did. (She looks at Foxxy, then looks at Toot.) And this one really was a team effort.

Toot: It sure was!

At that moment, the figure in the corner finally leaves his place and walks over to the women.

Marty: Toot?

Toot: Yes, Marty?

Marty: Toot, I just have to say how thoroughly impressed I am with how you handled that situation. You kept your wits about you and you didn't let your emotions get the better of you. Seeing how decisive and mature you've become... (he sits down next to Toot and takes her hands)... I'm more convinced than ever that I made the right decision marrying you.

Toot: (smiling) Thanks, Marty. I know I made the right decision too.

Marty: So do you want to stay down here and kiss and embarrass all these guys, or go upstairs and celebrate resolving the first crisis in our marriage with some good old fashioned hot sex?

Toot: (chanting enthusiastically) Hot sex! Hot sex! Hot sex!

Marty: I guess that answers that.

Still holding hands, Marty and Toot get up from the couch and walk upstairs smiling at each other in a lovey-dovey manner. Clara turns to Ling-Ling, who has now hopped onto the couch arm next to her.

Clara: What about you, Ling-Ling? Would you like to go upstairs and have hot sex also?

Ling-Ling: Eh... Ling-Ling not sure.

Clara: Would you rather smell my underwear instead?

Ling-Ling nods enthusiastically. Clara smiles and picks up Ling-Ling, then turns and walks upstairs with him. Now only Foxxy and Hero are left. Foxxy turns to Hero.

Foxxy: So what about you, Hero? You want to join the others and have hot sex?

Hero: I'm not really into the group stuff anymore.

Foxxy: No, Hero. I meant, do you want to follow the others' lead and have hot sex with ME?

Hero: The others are all having sex with you? (Foxxy looks at Hero disapprovingly.) Even Wooldoor?

Foxxy: No, Hero. I meant, do you want to have hot sex with me?

Hero: Oh. Yeah, sure. That'd be nice, I guess.

Foxxy: You don't want to?

Hero: I don't know... I honestly think I'm in more of a mood to get back to planning our wedding.

Foxxy: Really?

Hero: Yeah... I mean, seeing the kind of rapport that Clara has with Ling-Ling, and Toot has with Marty, now that they're married... I honestly feel more like getting to work on the thing that'll get me closer to being in that place with you. (Foxxy smiles.)

Foxxy: Why, thank you, Hero. I feel the same way.

Hero: So what do you say? Back to the kitchen to start planning our wedding again?

Foxxy: Sounds like a good idea to me!

Foxxy and Hero smile at each other. Arm in arm, they turn and begin walking back toward the kitchen. However, before they go more than two steps forward, a loud beeping sound suddenly rings out.

Foxxy: What the hell is that?

Hero: (turning his attention to his watch) Oh, that's my watch, Foxxy. That alarm means that we passed the mark.

Foxxy: What mark? (Hero raises his brows seductively at Foxxy. Foxxy smiles coyly.) You mean... seven minutes?

Hero: (smiling seductively) Seven minutes!

Foxxy: Well... I suppose the wedding plans can wait a bit.

Without another word said, Foxxy and Hero grab onto each other and begin to kiss very passionately. We see their bodies sink to the floor out of the camera's view. The last thing we see before the scene fades is a red pair of shorts and a G-string flying across the view of the camera lens.

Foxxy: Have you noticed how a lot of stuff seems to end with us having sex?

Hero: I'm a big supporter of happy endings.

As the pair continues to make sex noises, the scene fades.


THE END