Post by Raymond-Raymond on Oct 18, 2009 22:20:51 GMT -5
SEA OF TROUBLES
Part 1
The show opens on a shot of the ocean. As the camera pans over, we see the outline of a large cruise ship. The camera cuts to a shot of the deck of the ship. We see Foxxy, dressed in fancy evening wear, standing on the deck looking out at the ocean. She sighs sadly. The camera cuts to the other side of the ship. We see Hero, dressed in a tuxedo, looking out at the ocean as well. His look is very somber and thoughtful. The scene cuts back to Foxxy. We hear her inner monologue.
Foxxy: (inner monologue) I guess looking back on it, I should have seen something like this coming. We knew we were rushing into things, but somehow that never seemed to bother us. We thought that nothing could possibly go wrong. But somehow it did. And I'm still not quite sure how.
The scene changes to Hero.
Hero: (inner monologue) Where did it all go wrong? This doesn't make sense. Foxxy and I were supposed to get married and live happily ever after. This wasn't part of the script. At least... I didn't THINK it was.
The scene changes back to Foxxy.
Foxxy: (inner monologue) Where DID it all go wrong? (She pauses for a moment.) Actually... I think it was that morning. The day before we left. That's when the seeds were pretty much planted.
The scene fades. It then fades back up on a long shot of the Drawn Together house. The scene changes to the interior where we see all of the housemates minus Wooldoor gathered in the living room.
Spanky: The first thing I plan to do is pee in the ocean!
Toot: (offended) Spanky, don't you know how harmful that is to the environment? You could seriously mess up the ocean's ecosystem!
Spanky: And since when are you so concerned about the ocean's ecosystem?
Toot: Since I decided to bring a bunch of fishing gear so I'll have something to eat when the restaurant deck closes! (She turns to Marty.) Pee-soaked fish... not the most tasty. (She pauses for a moment.) Or healthy. (She thinks for a moment.) Did I mention pee is gross?
Clara: That explains why that Red Lobster buffet made me throw up last night.
Ling-Ling: Carla sure it not-
Clara: No, Ling-Ling, I'm not pregnant. But thanks for asking.
Toot: The way I figure it, I have two main food options if the ship's food totally sucks, like ship food has a tendency to do. Option number one, I can bring my own fishing gear and catch them myself. Sure it'll suck having to clean and gut them, but... at least it'll give Xandir something to do besides hooking up with random cabin boys!
Xandir: I'm not gutting your fish for you, Toot.
Foxxy: Well, congratulations, Xandir, on standing up to Toot! It's about time you decided not to be such a doormat anymore!
Xandir: I mean, I'd gladly do it for her. It's just that those knives are really sharp and I might cut my pretty, pretty hands!
Clara: So why don't you just wear gloves or something?
Xandir: Oh, I can't. The only pair of gloves I have is back at my parents' house, and I can't go back THERE now! Not since they caught me making out during Lord of the Rings!
Hero: Lord of the Rings?
Xandir: It's like our Schindler's List. Don't question it. (He turns to Toot.) So sorry, Toot. You'll have to gut your fish yourself. (Toot scowls.)
Spanky: Oh, well, guess that's out! Looks like you'll have to turn to option number two.
Toot: I guess I will.
Spanky: So what's option number two?
Toot: You.
Spanky: Get serious, Toot. I'm not gutting your fish for you!
Toot: Did I mention fish? (She grins at Spanky. Spanky is momentarily confused before he suddenly realizes what Toot is getting at.)
Spanky: (becoming horrified) Oh, no! No, no, no. We are NOT going down THAT road again!
Toot: (turning to Clara) Hey, Clara, you're not taking that much, right? Would there be room in your suitcase to bring along a portable grill? (She looks at Spanky evilly.) And some barbecue sauce! (She grins.)
Spanky: (turning to Xandir in a panic) Xandir?
Xandir: (clasping his hands in fear) My hands!
Clara: Spanky, if Xandir cuts his hands, what will he have to masturbate with?
Spanky: His feet?
Xandir: I wish! Unfortunately, my toes aren't that dextrous.
Marty: They're probably weighed down by all the hair.
Toot: Well... I guess I could always ask Wooldoor to do it.
Foxxy: Speaking of Wooldoor... where is the man... er... whatchamacallit... that is going to be marrying Hero and myself?
Clara: Oh, he was misbehaving earlier, so I sent him up to his room. I told him to just sit there and read the Bible for a while.
Toot: (skeptically) The Bible?
Clara: There's nothing wrong with the Bible, Toot. And besides, Wooldoor might learn something.
Toot: Oh, come on, Clara. You really think that reading the Bible is going to alter Wooldoor's behavior?
At that moment, Wooldoor comes walking down the stairs, still reading the Bible. He arrives at the bottom of the stairs.
Wooloor: (not looking up from the Bible) Hey, guys!
Toot: Hey, Wooldoor. So how's (she makes air quotes) "The Bible"? (Clara looks at Toot with disapproval.)
Clara: Air quotes, Toot? Seriously?
Wooldoor: (He looks at Clara.) Thanks, Clara. Making me read this has really helped put my life back on the straight and narrow. I'll be forever in your debt.
Clara: You're welcome, Wooldoor!
Hero: Speaking of straight and narrow... (he turns to Foxxy) I've got something straight and narrow that I'd like to put back on YOUR life! Er, I mean... something straight that I'd like to put in your narrows. Um, I mean... that is to say... (He shrugs.) You want to have sex?
Foxxy: Why, Hero, I'd be delighted! What say the two of us go upstairs and procreate right now?
Hero: Foxxy, we've... kind of already done that. (He looks at her stomach. Foxxy follows his eyes down. She suddenly realizes what he meant.)
Foxxy: Oh! Procreate means to have babies? I thought it just meant have sex!
Wooldoor: The hell you will! (Everyone turns to Wooldoor in shock.)
Foxxy: Say what now?
Wooldoor: You two can't have sex! You're not even married yet! Having sex outside of marriage is a sin!
Hero: And since when are YOU so concerned with sinful sex?
Wooldoor: (holding up the Bible) Since I started reading this thing, that's when!
Foxxy: Wooldoor, how could you not have known that already? You're a priest, for God's sake!
Wooldoor: (He turns to the others.) Have you guys ever actually read this thing? Wow... so much I didn't know! I just kind of skimmed it before. There's all kinds of crazy crap in here! (He turns back to Foxxy and Hero.) You know, technically, we're not allowed to go to the bathroom either. But I guess *maybe* I can let that one slide.
Foxxy: Uh... thank you?
Wooldoor: But the premarital sex thing? I have to enforce that.
Hero: Couldn't we give up going to the bathroom instead?
Spanky: I'm glad I'm not the one having to make this choice. I could never do it. Or maybe I could. (He turns to Wooldoor.) Wooldoor, can I go to the bathroom and then just masturbate instead of having sex?
Wooldoor: Sorry, Spanky. But masturbation is a sin, too.
Spanky: (looking at Foxxy and Hero.) Damn. Guess I'm glad I'm not in your shoes, then!
Foxxy: Wooldoor, this is silly. And besides, Hero and I have already had sex lots of times, so the purity boat kind of already sailed for us a long time ago.
Wooldoor: Well... maybe it's too late for you on THAT front... but you could still try to make it right by remaining celibate at least until your wedding.
Spanky: Ha! Fat chance of THAT!
Foxxy: What's the matter, Spanky? You don't think we can do it?
Spanky: Foxxy, the wedding is a week away. Have you two EVER gone that long without having sex?
Hero: Yes, we have!
Foxxy: Right when Hero and me first got together with each other-
Clara: Hero and I.
Foxxy: Don't be silly, Clara. You and Hero never had sex. (She turns back to Wooldoor.) When Hero and me first got together, we waited a whole week until we had sex. You guys remember?
Spanky: Yeah... but... that was a long time ago. And you've had sex a LOT since then. Now maybe you could get by without the sex that first week because you hadn't really had that much with each other before. But now that you've been together for three years, and you've had sex approximately three times a day-
Hero: Four times!
Spanky: I'm saying that the sexual instinct is so ingrained in you by now that the thought of going even one day, let alone an entire week, without sex is at this point pretty much impossible. Face it, Foxxy. That's what your thing is. The sex!
Foxxy: Whatchoo talking about, Spanky? What do you mean, that's what our thing is?
Spanky: See, all the couples in this house have their own thing. Clara and Ling-Ling have the mushiness.
Clara: (swoony) Oh, we DO, don't we, Ling-Ling?
Spanky: Toot and Marty have the sarcasm.
Toot: Oh, gee, THAT'S a prize.
Spanky: And you guys have the sex.
Foxxy: Spanky, I resent your implication that Hero and my relationship is about nothing but sex. Sure, we have lots of sex, but we also have a strong bond with each other. A closeness that goes way beyond just sex... and one which certainly doesn't need sex to thrive and prosper.
Spanky: Then prove it. See if you can make it all the way to the wedding without having sex again.
Foxxy: We will! (She turns to Hero.) Won't we, Hero?
Hero: (slightly worried) Um... sure. Of course... we will. (Foxxy looks at Spanky defiantly, but Hero is very troubled.)
Foxxy: Now, then. Hero and I are going to go upstairs and finish packing for the cruise. And by "packing for the cruise", I do NOT mean that as a metaphor for having sex.
Toot: Well, while we're on the subject, I think that Marty and I will go upstairs and finish packing for the cruise as well. (She and Marty get up.) And unlike Foxxy, when I say "packing for the cruise", I *do* mean that as a metaphor for having sex! (She begins to walk upstairs, passing by Foxxy and Hero. She stops and turns to them.) Sucks to not be married, doesn't it? (Grinning, Toot turns and continues walking upstairs, followed by Marty. Foxxy scowls, then turns and walks upstairs herself, followed by an apprehensive Hero. Clara turns to Ling-Ling.)
Clara: Ling-Ling, I'm not very comfortable with this cruise packing metaphor. Can you and I go upstairs and just have sex? (Ling-Ling nods enthusiastically.) Clara picks him up and starts to carry him upstairs. Wooldoor stops her.)
Wooldoor: Hold on a second, you two. Where the hell do you think you're going?
Clara: We're going upstairs to have sex, Wooldoor. (He looks at her with anger.) It's okay, Wooldoor. Ling-Ling and I are married. It's okay for us to have sex now.
Wooldoor: Oh, is it, Clara? IS IT?
Clara: What are you talking about, Wooldoor?
Wooldoor: You can't have sex now, Clara! It's the middle of the day, for God's sake!
Clara: So?
Wooldoor: And besides, sex between even couples who are married is only okay if it's for the purposes of procreation! Doing it solely for pleasure makes you a whore!
Clara: Well, Ling-Ling and I *are* trying to have a baby.
Wooldoor: Oh. You are? (Clara nods.) I guess it's okay, then. I guess I was a bit hasty in calling you a whore.
Clara: Thank you, Wooldoor.
Wooldoor: Now if I come up to your room afterward and you're not with child... THEN I'll call you a whore!
Clara stands there stunned. Ling-Ling looks confused. As the two continue to just stare for a moment, Wooldoor turns away in triumph and begins walking toward the kitchen.
Spanky: (calling to Wooldoor) Hey, Wooldoor, I'm going to go masturbate for a while. Is that okay?
Wooldoor: (as he walks away) Knock yourself out, man!
Spanky: Thanks! (Wooldoor exits. Spanky turns and walks upstairs. Clara stands in the middle of the living room holding Ling-Ling, still stunned. She looks at the only remaining person in the room, Xandir.)
Xandir: Hey, Clara?
Clara: Yes?
Xandir: Don't tell Wooldoor I'm gay, okay? I mean, I'm sure he probably knows, but... you know... just in case... I don't really want to start anything.
Still trying to come to grips with what just happened, Clara turns and walks back upstairs with Ling-Ling. Xandir shrugs and turns on the television. The scene fades.
CUE OPENING TITLES
The scene opens on a shot of the ocean once again. The camera cuts to Hero standing on the deck again.
Hero: (inner monologue) You know, thinking on it, this was pretty much my fault. If I hadn't done what I did, we wouldn't be in this situation now. Sure, I didn't mean any harm. And looking back, yeah, it probably wasn't a smart thing to do. But at the time, it was what felt right. And more importantly, I had always felt that no matter what we did, Foxxy and me, as a couple, were rock solid and utterly indestructible. I guess that's what you get when you try to tempt fate one too many times.
The scene changes back to the house once again. The housemates are standing around the living room with all of their luggage and travel belongings. Toot holds a fishing rod and a large tackle box. They are all dressed in vacation clothes again. Clara is wearing a blue Hawaiian print blouse, her purple sarong from Big Twist II, a large beach hat, and wicker sandals. Toot is wearing a dark green Hawaiian print dress and flip-flops, while Marty has a green polo shirt, Hawaiian shorts, and sandals. Foxxy is wearing an orange halter top, a red sarong, and flip-flops. Hero is wearing a baby blue Hawaiian shirt, tan cargo shorts, and flip-flops. Wooldoor has on a dark blue Hawaiian shirt, red shorts, and socks with sandals. Xandir is wearing a white T-shirt tied around his stomach, white shorts, and sneakers with no socks. Spanky has on an orange Hawaiian shirt and brown shorts while Ling-Ling is wearing only a Gilligan hat. Clara looks at Wooldoor with disapproval.
Clara: Seriously, Wooldoor? Socks with sandals?
Wooldoor: What's wrong with socks with sandals?
Clara: Well, one, it looks tacky, and two, the socks kind of negate the whole point of wearing sandals.
Wooldoor: Which is what? To flaunt your feet like a whore?
Clara: Wearing open-toed shoes does not make me a whore, Wooldoor. In fact, Jesus wore sandals!
Wooldoor: Yeah, well, you die on the cross for the sins of the world and I *might* let that one slide for you.
Clara: I sure FEEL like I'm being crucified right now.
Toot: Come on, guys! Let's go get on the boat! Toot toot!
Wooldoor: Toot, why did you just say your name twice?
Toot: I didn't, Wooldoor. I was making a sound like a boat whistle.
Wooldoor: You said "toot toot".
Toot: Right. That's the sound a boat whistle makes.
Wooldoor: It's also your name.
Toot: Okay, well... yeah.
Wooldoor: So were you named after a boat whistle?
Toot: No, Wooldoor. Don't be silly.
Wooldoor: But being silly is my entire reason for being!
Spanky: You know, "toot" is another word for fart. You weren't named after THAT, were you?
Toot: (decidedly displeased) No, Spanky.
Spanky: (disappointed) Oh. Cause I was about to say, it would have made you a lot cooler if you had been.
Wooldoor: I was named after 19th century United States President Rutherford B. Hayes!
Foxxy: But your name is Wooldoor.
Wooldoor: That's right.
Clara: How did they possibly get the name Wooldoor out of a name like Rutherford B. Hayes?
Wooldoor: They didn't.
Clara: (turning to Foxxy) You packed his meds, right? (Foxxy nods.)
Wooldoor: That's not what I said, Clara. I said I was named AFTER him. He was from the 19th century, so obviously he got named long before any of us did! (He pauses.) I think. (He turns to Toot.) Toot, how old-
Toot: (very angry) Not THAT old!
Clara: Wooldoor, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Hero: Even dumber than my idea for reusable condoms?
Wooldoor: Oh, IS it, Clara? How is it any dumber than say... going to hell for being a WHORE?
Clara: Oh, God, are we still on that kick?
Wooldoor: (gasping) Taking the Lord's name in vain? Oh, now are you going to hell even faster, you sinful harlot!
Toot: (to Spanky) What's a harlot?
Spanky: I think it's a Jewish whore.
Toot: You mean like me?
Spanky: Yeah, you wish.
Clara: Wooldoor, what are you going on about NOW?
Wooldoor: I saw you kissing Ling-Ling at breakfast this morning!
Clara: So? There's nothing wrong with kissing! And as I mentioned last night, he IS my husband!
Wooldoor: Kissing leads to dancing. And dancing leads to sex. I'm not sure where sex leads to, but it's something really bad.
Spanky: Butt sex?
Wooldoor: Not right now, Spanky. But thanks for the offer. (Spanky is mildly creeped out.)
Ling-Ling: Get off Carla's back, Sockbat! He see Hero doing much worse thing this morning! He kiss chocolate animal woman in unspeakable place!
Wooldoor: Oh, really? (He walks over to Foxxy and Hero.) So, Captain Hero... where exactly did you kiss Foxxy this morning?
Foxxy: On my ass. (Wooldoor is shocked.)
Hero: Foxxy's just kidding, Wooldoor. I kissed her hand. And I'm pretty sure the Bible says that's okay. (Wooldoor eyes the two of them skeptically.)
Wooldoor: So are you two keeping your vow? You staying celibate like you promised?
Foxxy: Yes, Wooldoor.
Wooldoor: You're not starting to waver, are you? Maybe feeling a little pressure? A little moment of weakness?
Foxxy: Wooldoor, I assure you, we are FINE.
Wooldoor: Good. That's all I needed to hear. (He turns back to the others, resuming his happy demeanor.) So are we going to be able to get in the water on this cruise? I want to eat a dolphin!
Clara: You mean pet a dolphin?
Wooldoor: Why, what'd I say?
Foxxy: Well, come on, y'all. We could stand around here trading witty banter with each other all day, but if we's not going to be left behind, we'd best be making our way to the boat now.
The others nod and begin to pick up their gear. However, right as they're about to walk out, the doorbell rings.
Toot: (annoyed) Oh, it figures! Now that we're about to leave for a month, my cheese of the month club delivery finally shows up! (She sighs.) Oh, well. I guess I can just take it with me. If it goes bad on the boat, I can always use it for bait.
Toot walks briskly to the door and opens it. There she is greeted with a surprise. Instead of a delivery person, the person at the door is a familiar redhead wearing sunglasses, a light blouse, green shorts, and flip-flops.
Toot: (taken aback) Stretchy girl?
The others are all surprised. Hero and Wooldoor walk up to Unusually Flexible Girl. Foxxy looks at her suspiciously, but says nothing.
Hero: Unusually Flexible Girl? What are you doing here? Don't you know we're about to leave for the cruise?
UFG: I know. (She turns to Wooldoor.) Wooldoor, look. I know I told you I couldn't make it. I promised to take my nana to a Hummel collecting convention the same week as the wedding. But then she died, so now I'm free!
Wooldoor: (excited) That's great! (He quickly becomes solemn.) About you being free, I mean. Not about your nana dying. That's sad.
UFG: Yeah.
Foxxy: Now hold on a second. I thought you told us your nana was already dead! Didn't she die of loneliness or something?
UFG: Yeah, that was my other nana. I have two.
Wooldoor: Well, that makes sense!
UFG: So if it's not too much trouble, I would really like to go on the cruise, you guys. You guys are two of my dearest friends, and it would really mean a lot to me.
Hero: Why, of course, Nancy!
UFG: Mandy.
Hero: Wow, I wasn't even close that time! But of course you can come to our wedding, Mandy.
Foxxy: No, she can't. (Hero turns to Foxxy in alarm.)
Hero: She can't?
Foxxy: Reverend Smack Daddy told us we could only have 25 seats between us. And unfortunately, those 25 slots have all been filled.
Spanky: Oh, dude. That just gave me an idea for the best porn movie EVER!
Xandir: Actually, Foxxy... Ernesto and I got into a big tiff last night and he won't be going. So it looks like there's a spot open!
Clara: (to Xandir) Ernesto?
Xandir: Yeah, well... I couldn't decide whether to use my invite for Fernando or Ernesto, so I told the two they could fight to the death for it, and Ernesto won!
Toot: (in complete shock) You actually had one of your boyfriends murder the other?
Xandir: Murder? Oh, no, don't be silly! When I say, death, I meant for them to fight until one of them got their pretty face all scratched up! For us to go out in public like that WOULD be death. (He pauses sadly.) A kind of death, at least.
Toot: So if Ernesto backed out, then why not just let Fernando go in his place?
Xandir: Did you not hear what I said about his face? He's not going out like that!
Spanky: And yet he has no problems showing his REGULAR face in public?
Wooldoor: So Mandy can come with us! Yay!
Foxxy: Now hold on, Wooldoor. It's not that I'm trying to keep Unusually Flexible Girl off the boat or anything, but... um... that invitation DOES belong to Xandir. So it would only be fair if it went to somebody HE wanted to invite.
Xandir: That's okay, Foxxy. Now that I think about it, having a boyfriend along on the cruise could be detrimental to my efforts to hook up with random strangers.
Clara: Wooldoor, did you hear what Xandir just said? Hooking up with random strangers?
Wooldoor: Sure, Clara, what about it?
Clara: Never mind.
Wooldoor: (turning back to UFG) I'm so excited you're getting to go, Mandy! Just think of all the fun stuff we can do on that cruise together! We can pee in the ocean...
UFG: I don't know, Wooldoor. Foxxy hasn't even said I can go yet.
Hero: Well, that doesn't matter. This is my wedding too and I say you can go!
Wooldoor: Yay! (Foxxy's look immediately changes to one of shock and a bit of anger.)
UFG: Oh, thank you guys so much! (She proceeds to throw her arms around Hero in a huge, grateful hug.) You're the greatest, Hero!
Hero: I know. (UFG lets Hero go and starts to grab her things.) So what are we waiting for, you guys? That boat's about to leave, we'd better go get on it!
Toot: That's what I'm saying!
Spanky: Spanky Spanky!
One by one, all the others pick up their stuff and follow UFG out. Foxxy and Hero are the last two left in the house. Hero picks up his things and starts to walk out the door. He stops to talk to Foxxy, who has recovered from her shock, but is still very skeptical.
Hero: Come on, Foxxy, let's go! It wouldn't be a very fun wedding if the only person who didn't make it was the bride! (He thinks for a moment.) I could marry Spanky, I guess. That'd be kind of gay, though.
Foxxy: Hero... are you sure about this? About inviting her, you mean?
Hero: Why, what's the problem?
Foxxy: No problem, I guess. I'm just worried something bad might come of it, that's all.
Hero: Don't be silly, Foxxy. What could happen?
Foxxy: I wish you hadn't said that. (Hero looks at Foxxy questioningly. Foxxy shrugs.) Never mind. Let's go get on the boat, okay?
With that, Foxxy picks up her things and follows Hero out of the house. The scene fades. After a moment, the scene fades back up on the deck of the ship, this time on Foxxy's side.
Foxxy: (inner monologue) I guess if I'd really wanted to, I could have stopped her from coming. But as suspicious as I was, I felt that it would be better if I didn't make an issue of things. After all, no sense putting ideas in Hero's head if they wasn't already there. But... WAS they already there? Even now, I'm still not sure. All I know is that if I'd just fought Hero a little harder on the matter, we wouldn't be in the situation we're in right now.
Foxxy sighs. The scene dissolves to a long shot of the deck of the ship sometime earlier. The housemates have just boarded. We see them walking to their cabins carrying their gear.
Spanky: So which deck is the naked swimming on?
Clara: Excuse me?
Spanky: The swimming without clothes. Which deck is it on?
Clara: I'm pretty sure this isn't one of THOSE kind of cruises.
Toot: It isn't? Then forget it, I'm not staying. (She starts to walk back toward the deck.) Come on, Marty, let's blow this popsicle stand.
Marty: (starts to follow Toot, then suddenly stops) Wait a minute. Toot, stop. (Toot raises her arms questioningly.) That's very funny. (Toot smiles and shrugs as if to say "What?")
Hero: It's okay, guys. I'll just go ask the cruise director what deck we can use for naked swimming.
Wooldoor: Yay!
Clara: Why do I suddenly feel out of place again?
Foxxy: I'll go with you to talk to the cruise director, Hero. As long as we're here, we might as well try to go ahead and find out where we're going to be able to have our wedding.
Hero: Sounds good to me! (Hero and Foxxy walk off.)
Spanky: You know what? We can just find any pool. I'll just fart a lot so everyone else will stay away.
Toot: But then WE'LL have to swim in your stinkiness!
Spanky: No, no. I'll only fart at the entrance to the pool. The pool area itself will still be gas-free.
Clara: That seems like a pretty drastic way to get the pool to ourselves, but I don't really feel like dealing with a lot of people on this cruise, so I'll welcome it.
Spanky: (His eyebrows raise.) Oh? So does this mean you're going to come naked swimming with us, Clara?
Clara: Never mind. I didn't realize THAT'S what you were doing.
Toot: Oh, come on and join us at the pool, Clara! If it's any comfort, we'll let YOU wear clothes.
Clara: While the rest of you strut about shoving all your stuff in my face? Oh, thank you so much for that treat, Toot!
Toot: Don't mention it!
Cut to Foxxy and Hero making their way back to the deck. As they walk toward the deck, we hear a familiar voice call out.
Reverend: Foxxy!
Hero: Oh, yeah, I forgot HE was going to be here. (At that moment, Reverend Smack Daddy walks over to the two of them. He takes Foxxy by the hands.)
Foxxy: Hey, y'all.
Reverend: I'm so glad you guys could make it, Foxxy. We're looking forward to having you sing with us on this boat!
Foxxy: Don't mention it, Reverend. (The Reverend lets go of her hands. Foxxy holds up a finger to him.) Now remember... you promised to leave me and my housemates alone on this cruise.
Reverend: I haven't forgotten, Foxxy. And don't worry, I intend to keep my vow.
Foxxy: Thank you.
Reverend: I'm very excited for the both of you. Really, I am.
Hero: Me too!
Reverend: And I bet y'all is looking forward to all that hot nasty sex y'all are going to have once y'all is married, ain't you? (A look of worry suddenly crosses Hero's face.)
Foxxy: We sure are! (The Reverend smiles.) Oh, by the way, Reverend, about our wedding... do you know where we're going to be able to have it?
Reverend: Not yet, Foxxy. But the cruise director assures me they'll have a spot set aside for you in plenty of time for y'all to set things up.
Foxxy: Thank you.
Reverend: Well, I guess I'd best be leaving y'all alone now. Y'all probably wants to go have some hot premarital sex now.
Hero: That's... that's permitted?
Reverend: Well... not technically. You'll still be sinning for a few days. But once y'all is married, God will forgive you for those sins since it ended up being your future wife you was having all that sinning with.
Hero: Um... okay. I guess.
Reverend: I'll see you guys later, then. See you at the show, Foxxy. (He gives her a quick peck on the cheek. Foxxy smiles. The Reverend walks away. Hero turns to Foxxy excitedly.)
Hero: Did you hear that, Foxxy? We can go ahead and have sex again and we won't be sinners!
Foxxy: That's right, Hero, I guess we can. (Hero beams gleefully.) But we won't. (Hero's expression quickly changes to a frown.)
Hero: We won't?
Foxxy: Hero, you know where I stand on the whole sex issue. I don't believe that sex between two people who love each other is a sin, regardless of whether they's married or not. But that ain't why we're doing this!
Hero: It isn't?
Foxxy: No! We're doing this to prove to everybody that there's more to our relationship than just sex!
Hero: Oh.
Foxxy: Now, Hero, I'll admit, there's nothing I want more than for you to take me back to our cabin right now and do me for the next seven hours straight.
Hero: Seven hours?
Foxxy: Well, Oprah comes on in seven hours, and we have to stop then. I've found you miss too much if you try having sex while the show is still on.
Hero: Ah, gotcha.
Foxxy: But we can't. Hero... I want us to prove that we are just as strong a couple without the sex as we are with it. If we can make it until the wedding without having any more sex... (she looks at him seductively)... then, I think that'll be a pretty good indication that we's doing the right thing getting married to each other.
Hero: (smiling at Foxxy) Well... when you put it THAT way...
Foxxy: Now come on. Let's go find the cruise director and see if they've got a spot open for us.
Foxxy continues to make her way toward the deck of the ship, with Hero right beside her. They stop right as they reach the deck.
Hero: Is that the cruise director?
Foxxy: I think so.
Hero: Huh. Well, that's weird.
Foxxy: What?
Hero: I think I know her from somewhere. I may be wrong, though.
Foxxy: Well, let's go talk to her.
Foxxy and Hero walk up to the cruise director, who we only see from behind.
Foxxy: Excuse me. Miss Cruise Director? May we have a quick word with you?
She turns toward the couple. We see that the cruise director is none other than a certain stone-faced young woman.
Denise: Yes? What do you want?
Foxxy: I'm not sure if Reverend Smack Daddy may have mentioned us to you. I'm Foxxy Love and this is Captain Hero.
Denise: Yeah, um... I don't really bother to learn people's names. So I don't know who you or this Smack Daddy person is. And to be honest, I'm not planning to make an effort to become familiar with them over the course of this cruise.
Foxxy: Smack Daddy is the performer who is headlining this particular cruise.
Denise: Oh, right. The Christian rapper. The one who raps about all the nasty sex stuff and specifies it's only okay if you're married.
Hero: That's the guy!
Denise: I don't like him. He's way too judgmental about people being hoes. Didn't stop him from giving me a hundred bucks last night, though. Apparently, if it's in international waters, that's a "gray area".
Foxxy: Yes, I see you've met the gentleman. Well, my name is Foxxy Love, and this is my fiance, Captain Hero. Smack Daddy told us we could have our wedding on the ship in exchange for performing on the cruise with him.
Denise: "Performing on the cruise with him". Well, I guess it's all right as long as you keep that sort of thing in your cabin.
Foxxy: I did not mean that as a sexual euphemism. And now I'm suddenly hoping that Smack Daddy didn't either. But anyway, what I meant was that I'm going to be singing here one night.
Denise: And I'm supposed to care about this... why?
Foxxy: He told us we'd be able to have our wedding here on the boat. Now what I want to know from you is, where will we be able to have it, and what day will it be?
Denise: Let me get this straight. You expect us to just put aside our entire cruise schedule and just give one of our decks to you for an entire day? I don't even know who you are!
Foxxy: I just told you!
Denise: Yeah, I wasn't listening.
Foxxy: Look. Is every single deck on the ship going to be occupied every single day of the cruise? All we need is one deck for one day. We'll be GLAD to pay for it.
Denise: Fine. I'll check the schedule and see if I can find something open for you. But I'm not promising anything.
Foxxy: Well, I guess that's about the best I can do for now.
Denise: It is.
Foxxy: Come on, Hero. Let's go back and join the others.
Foxxy turns and begins to walk off. Hero, however, remains on deck with Denise.
Hero: So, a hundred dollars, huh? What all do you do for that? Do you go all the way? Cause if so, that is an EXCELLENT deal! Do you know what the whores back home cost?
Foxxy: Hero!
Hero: (to Denise) I gotta go. (Hero turns and scampers back toward Foxxy.) Hey, Foxxy, I think I've just figured out what we can get Spanky for his birthday!
Foxxy: Hero, I want to go back to our cabin now, and I want you to escort me there.
Hero: Why? Are you worried about getting attacked?
Foxxy: No, I just want you around in case we run into Reverend Smack Daddy. I have a feeling that if we do, I'll be overcome with an overwhelming urge to beat the crap out of him.
Hero: And you want me to stop you?
Foxxy: No, I want you to help me!
With that, Foxxy and Hero turn and walk back to their cabin. The scene fades. It fades back up on another deck of the ship. Clara is lying in a deck chair reading a book. Except for having kicked her sandals off, she is wearing the same clothes as before. Wooldoor stands next to the railing eagerly looking out at the ocean.
Wooldoor: Wow! Do you see that ocean, Clara?
Clara: (without turning away from her book) Am I looking in the direction of the ocean, Wooldoor?
Wooldoor: No.
Clara: Well, there you go.
Wooldoor: I never knew the ocean was so big! Wow... if Jesus walked across THIS thing, he truly was the son of God! (At that moment, a dolphin hops out of the water, then quickly submerges again.) Ooh, a dolphin! How pretty! (Wooldoor licks his lips.)
At that moment, Ling-Ling bounds out onto the deck holding a small container. He hops up on the chair next to Clara.
Clara: Hello, Ling-Ling! What do you have there? (Ling-Ling holds out a small bag on a strap.)
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling get this at Sanrio store right before he board! Look! (Clara looks at the bag.)
Clara: A purse?
Ling-Ling: No be silly, Carla. It Hello Kitty fanny pack.
Clara: But it's on a strap.
Ling-Ling: (slightly disappointed) Yeah, well... it turn out Ling-Ling fanny not big enough to wear pack as intended. So he have to get strap to carry it around with.
Clara: Well, it's very cute, Ling-Ling. (Ling-Ling smiles. Wooldoor turns around and walks over to the couple.)
Wooldoor: Hey, you guys! You think if I asked Toot real nice, she'd let me borrow her fishing gear? Oh, and on a completely unrelated note, do you guys know what dolphins like to eat? (Clara and Ling-Ling both shake their heads. Wooldoor sees Ling-Ling's bag.) Ling-Ling, what's that?
Ling-Ling: It Hello Kitty fanny pack. Ling-Ling use it to carry around valuables.
Wooldoor: Well, I hope one of those valuables is your SOUL, because that's what you've just sacrificed to the Dark Lord by carrying around a man purse!
Ling-Ling: No! Sockbat have it all wrong! It not purse! It Japorean!
Wooldoor: It looks like a purse to me.
Ling-Ling: Well, it not!
Wooldoor: Ling-Ling, are you sure about that?
Ling-Ling: Yes!
Wooldoor: Well... okay, then. (Without missing a beat, he quickly turns to Clara.) Oh, look at that. Look who's showing her stuff again. You proud of those legs, Clara? Hmm? You proud of those boobs? Well, you should be. Cause they're quite nice.
Clara: Wooldoor, please, give it a rest. There is absolutely nothing about my current ensemble that is indecent.
Wooldoor: (quickly tossing Clara a jacket) Here. Cover yourself up, whore!
Clara: Wooldoor, it's close to 90 degrees on this boat!
Wooldoor: I said ZIP IT UP, WHORE!
Clara covers her face in frustration. The scene fades to Toot and Marty's cabin. Toot sits on the bed while Marty attempts to talk on a cell phone.
Toot: And that's why my name appears in air stewardess training manuals under the heading "Don't Ever Do This"!
Marty: That's nice, Toot. (Marty winces and looks at the phone in frustration.) Dammit, why can't I get a signal on this boat?
Toot: Why? Who do you want to call?
Marty: Ghostbusters. (Toot looks at Marty oddly for a minute, then smiles.)
Toot: Ohhhhhh. I see what you did there. Very clever. (She turns around.) Say, Marty, can you zip me up? (Marty looks at Toot, slightly confused.)
Marty: But... you're not wearing anything that zips. (Toot cranes her head and grins at Marty.) Ohhhhhh. I see what you did there.
Marty quickly puts the phone on the table and hops on the bed and begins making out with Toot. As the two roll around on the bed, becoming progressively less dressed, we hear a voice come over the phone.
Operator: Hello? This is the operator speaking. How can I help you? (There is no sound except Toot and Marty's lovemaking noises.) Hello? Is anyone there? (Still no response.) Hello? (Still no response.) Oh, goddammit, did somebody suddenly start having sex while they were in the middle of trying to make a call? (The operator sighs.) Goddammit, I hate it when that happens!
As Toot and Marty continue cavorting around on the bed, Spanky walks up to their door. He looks inside and sees them getting it on. His eyebrows raise. A big smile beginning to form on his face, Spanky proceeds to stand and watch the two carrying on. After a minute, he hears the voice on the phone and looks over.
Operator: Hello? I'm serious, quit having sex right now or I'm going to hang up!
Spanky walks over to the phone and picks it up.
Spanky: (into phone, in a high-pitched voice) Hello?
Operator: Finally! How can I help you?
Spanky: Um, I was trying to reach a friend of mine. Can you help me?
Operator: What's your friend's name?
Spanky: Ignatius Parkinson Freely. But you can call him by his initials, I.P. (Spanky snickers.)
Operator: Just a minute! (We hear a dial tone. Spanky looks confused. After a moment, another voice comes on the line.)
Voice: Hello?
Spanky: (in his normal voice) Hello? Who is this?
Voice: This is I.P. Freely. Who the hell is this? (Spanky chuckles.)
Spanky: Oh, man, that's just too funny. Hey- are you friends with a guy named Seymour?
Voice: Seymour?
Spanky: Yeah. Last name, Cox?
Voice: Oh, yeah! Seymour Cox! Great guy. Great guy. So what's up with Seymour?
Spanky: Um... he died.
Voice: He died?
Spanky: Yeah. Um... he died of... uh... that disease... that disease that makes you stop living. Uh... bye. (Spanky quickly hangs up.) Wow! I am really rusty on my prank calls! In my younger days, I'd have been much better prepared for that one! (Spanky pauses for a second.) Now why the hell did I come in here?
Toot: Oh, Marty!
Spanky: Ah, right, the midget sex.
Toot: Goddammit, Marty and I are not midgets! Well... I'm not, at least. I'm on the short end of average.
Marty: Is Spanky watching us have sex?
Toot: Apparently.
Marty: So why didn't you lock the door?
Spanky: Wouldn't matter, I can pick the lock. (Spanky walks over to the bed. Toot and Marty have stopped their activity.) Hey, guys. How's it going?
Marty: I'm not a midget either, Toot.
Toot: We'll see what the dictionary has to say about that.
Marty: Something we can help you with, Spanky?
Spanky: No, no. (He pulls up a chair in front of the bed.) The floor show's enough. Carry on, you two.
Toot: Spanky... bait.
Spanky: Fair enough. All right, I'll get to business. Toot, I want to run something by you real quick. A minor change to the wedding procedure.
Toot: How minor?
Spanky: Instead of the groom kissing the bride, how the best man gets to-
Toot: No!
Spanky: But you didn't even know what I was going to say!
Toot: Yeah, actually I pretty much did.
Spanky: Fine. No, what I wanted to ask you was, instead of a tuxedo... how about I wear a T-shirt with a tuxedo design on it?
Toot: Are you serious?
Spanky: So that's no?
Toot: Yeah, sorry, Spanky, but I can't let you do that. It would make the whole wedding look cheap and tawdry!
Spanky: Yes, it would! Which would actually be to your advantage! Now YOUR wedding wasn't cheap and tawdry at all. But if this one IS, it'll make YOURS seem all the classier!
Marty: Spanky. that's ridiculous. Forget it.
Toot: That makes sense. Okay, Spanky, you've got a deal! (Spanky is triumphant.)
Marty: (to Toot) From now on, I'm just going to wait to talk until you've already said something.
Toot: I think that might be best.
Spanky: All right! I thought I might have to convince you of this, Toot, but it turns out, you were more open than I thought! (Spanky winks and points at Toot.) You're a MUCH cooler maid of honor than Clara was!
Toot: Well, duh!
Spanky gets out of his chair and walks back out the door, closing it behind him. As soon as he does so, he meets up with Hero walking back toward the deck.
Spanky: Hey, Hero! Guess what! I'm going to wear a tuxedo T-shirt to the wedding instead of a real tux!
Hero: No, you're not.
Spanky: But Toot said I could!
Hero: Toot isn't making the decisions, Spanky. Foxxy is. And I feel extremely confident she wouldn't like that idea. So, Sorry, Spanky. But no.
Spanky: But-
Hero: No buts! (Spanky turns away in frustration.)
Spanky: (walking away dejectedly) Awwwww!
Xandir: (offscreen, from his own cabin) I'm glad it wasn't me that was said to!
Hero continues to stand at the railing looking out at the ocean. Foxxy walks up to him.
Foxxy: Hey, sugar! (Hero turns and sees Foxxy.)
Hero: Oh, hey, Foxxy.
Foxxy: What was that about?
Hero: Oh, Spanky wanted to wear a tuxedo T-shirt to the wedding instead of a real tuxedo.
Foxxy: Ha! I knew he'd try something like that. Well, it looks like Wooldoor owes me five bucks.
Hero: So how'd you make out with the cruise director?
Foxxy: Used my tongue.
Hero: Huh?
Foxxy: It's a joke, Hero.
Hero: Joke it may be, but... can I still put that one in the spank bank for later?
Foxxy: (thoughtfully) Spank bank. (Hero sees an opportunity.)
Hero: That is... unless you don't see me having a NEED for the spank bank. (Hero grins at Foxxy. Foxxy turns away.)
Foxxy: No. I think maybe you'd better file that image in the spank bank like you said. (Hero is disappointed.)
Hero: Oh. Okay. (He and Foxxy look away from each other. After pausing for a moment, Hero speaks up again.) So, anyway, what did the cruise director say?
Foxxy: Oh, the same thing she said when we was both up there with her. She still has no idea when a spot is going to be available. And quite frankly, she did not seem all that distraught at our situation.
Hero: No, I guess she wouldn't.
Foxxy: But it's going to be okay, Hero. We've still got a few days until the wedding. Something will come up by then. There's no need to worry.
Hero: Oh, I'm not worried.
There is an awkward silence between the two. Foxxy notices it. She looks worried for a moment, trying to decide if she should say something. She finally decides to speak.
Foxxy: You're wondering if this no-sex pact was a good idea.
Hero: No, I'm not.
Foxxy: Good. (She pauses for a moment.) Unfortunately, I am. (Hero turns toward her.)
Hero: (trying to hide his eagerness) Oh, really?
Foxxy: I was okay for the first day. But ever since we've been on this boat, practically all I've been able to think about is taking you in our cabin, shoving you down on the bed, ripping those cargo shorts right off you, and just going to town!
Hero: Going to town? But Foxxy, we're at sea! (Foxxy sighs in frustration.)
Foxxy: Never mind. (She turns to the side and mutters under her breath.) Goddammit, is there one expression out there I don't have to explain to him?
Hero: What was that?
Foxxy: Never mind. (Hero looks irritated, but says nothing.)
Hero: Well, Foxxy, if you want to have sex, we can just have sex. I mean, the no-sex pact was a nice idea, but when you think about it, do we really need it? Do we really have to prove anything to anyone at this point? We know we love each other. What more do we need?
Foxxy: I guess that makes sense. You know what, Hero? You're right. Let's go have sex.
Hero smiles big and brightly at Foxxy. Foxxy smiles back. Hero takes Foxxy in arm and starts to walk her back to their cabin. However, before they have even taken two steps, a voice calls out behind them. We hear the sound of a pair of feet running up the deck.
UFG: Hey, you two!
Foxxy grimaces, then sighs. She and Hero turn around to see UFG running up behind them. She is wearing a dark green bikini and has a towel flung over her shoulder.
Foxxy: Yes?
UFG: The pool's empty right now, so we're all going swimming! Do you guys want to join us?
Foxxy: No thanks, Unusually Flexible Girl. Captain Hero and I have other plans.
UFG: Oh yeah? Like what? (Foxxy glares at UFG, slightly annoyed at her failure to get the innuendo.)
Foxxy: Guess.
UFG: Well, I know it can't be sex. Cause you two aren't having that right now.
Foxxy: Excuse me?
UFG: Oh, yeah, Wooldoor told me all about the pact you two have, to not have sex again until the wedding. I think it's a great idea!
Foxxy: Oh, you do, do you?
UFG: Yeah. Like, when Captain Hero was dating ME, we would just have sex all the time!
Foxxy: Mmm hmm.
UFG: It finally dawned on me after a while that the reason we had sex so often was that that was all he was really interested in me for. Not my personality, not my companionship... not my heart. Just the sex.
Hero: Well, the sex WAS really good between us. (Foxxy glances back and forth between both Hero and UFG, trying hard to believe what she is hearing.)
UFG: If Captain Hero and *I* had tried to go a whole week without sex, it wouldn't have lasted. He'd probably have just dumped me in a couple of days.
Hero: Hey, I tried to dump you even WITH the sex! (Foxxy looks at Hero, still in disbelief.)
UFG: But the fact that Captain Leslie Hero... who's slept with... oh, I don't know... hundreds of women...
Hero: At least!
UFG: The fact that he's found a woman who he's willing to just be with and not have sex at all... that really says something.
Hero: It sure does! (A look of confusion suddenly crosses his face.) What?
Foxxy: Yes, thank you very much for your wisdom, Unusually Flexible Girl. You can just go enjoy your swim with the others. You and your tight green spandex bikini.
UFG: Oh, well, between you and me, I don't expect to be wearing the bikini very long. (She leans over and whispers to Foxxy.) As soon as the rest of the ship goes to bed, we're planning to swim naked!
Hero: Really?
UFG: That's right! Too bad you two can't come.
Hero: Oh, man, that one hurt.
UFG: I'll see you guys later. (She waves.) Bye!
With that, UFG turns and hurries away. Hero turns to Foxxy.
Hero: Swimming.
Foxxy: Yes.
Hero: Naked.
Foxxy: That's what I hear.
Hero: Well, whatever. Those guys can have their fun if they like.
Foxxy: Yeah.
Hero: We'll be keeping ourselves busy in our own way. (He grins at Foxxy. She scowls.)
Foxxy: What? Hero, are you kidding?
Hero: I don't get it.
Foxxy: No, you usually don't. Hero, did you not hear what Unusually Flexible Girl said? About how you guys had nothing in common but the sex?
Hero: Yeah. What about it?
Foxxy: Hero, I was about to give in to temptation a minute ago. But I won't. I can't. Maybe that relationship was about nothing but sex, but this one sure isn't. And I am damn well going to prove it to everybody!
Hero: Great. No sex, then. Well, I guess this night is shot.
Foxxy: Is this how it's going to be, Hero? Is it really killing you that bad to not be able to have sex with me? Is this relationship nothing but Unusually Flexible Girl Volume Two to you?
Hero: (starting to get angry) Foxxy, stop. You know I love you. What happened between me and Unusually Flexible Girl doesn't change how I feel about you. The two relationships are nothing alike! (Foxxy looks at Hero for a moment, then sighs.)
Foxxy: I guess you're right, Hero. I'm sorry.
Hero: Maybe you're right. Maybe we do need to try to keep this no-sex pact. I guess if our relationship is truly one to last, we should be able to withstand it. (Foxxy smiles.)
Foxxy: Thank you, Hero.
Hero: Okay, so the sex is out. What do you want to do instead?
Foxxy: Hmmm...
Hero: We could join the others. If we're hanging out with our friends, that might distract us from our carnal desires.
Foxxy: Join them swimming, you mean? (Hero nods.) With that naked stretchy ex-girlfriend of yours there? Not a chance! (Hero frowns.)
Hero: So what are we going to do, then?
Foxxy: I'll tell you what we're going to do. We're going to go back to our cabin and sit there all night, just the two of us, and not have sex!
Hero: Not have sex?
Foxxy: You heard me! (Foxxy turns and starts to walk away. She momentarily turns back toward Hero.) Now get your ass and follow me back to our cabin right now! That way I know you won't be hanging out at that pool with that naked stretchy ex-girlfriend of yours!
Hero: Huh?
Foxxy: Now!
With that, Foxxy turns and storms off. Hero looks after her, somewhat frustrated. He sighs.
Hero: Oh, well. I guess a few more nights without sex won't be the worst thing in the world. (At that moment, we hear Toot and Marty's voices coming from inside their cabin.)
Toot: (voice) Hey, Marty! Before we go naked swimming with the others, you want to have sex again?
Marty: (voice) Yeah, all right.
Toot: (voice) Now I bet you're wondering why I brought a pair of stockings with me on the cruise. Do the words "hogtied to the bed" mean anything to you?
Hero hangs his head and sighs. He turns and slowly trudges back toward his own cabin. The scene fades.
(to be continued...)
Part 1
The show opens on a shot of the ocean. As the camera pans over, we see the outline of a large cruise ship. The camera cuts to a shot of the deck of the ship. We see Foxxy, dressed in fancy evening wear, standing on the deck looking out at the ocean. She sighs sadly. The camera cuts to the other side of the ship. We see Hero, dressed in a tuxedo, looking out at the ocean as well. His look is very somber and thoughtful. The scene cuts back to Foxxy. We hear her inner monologue.
Foxxy: (inner monologue) I guess looking back on it, I should have seen something like this coming. We knew we were rushing into things, but somehow that never seemed to bother us. We thought that nothing could possibly go wrong. But somehow it did. And I'm still not quite sure how.
The scene changes to Hero.
Hero: (inner monologue) Where did it all go wrong? This doesn't make sense. Foxxy and I were supposed to get married and live happily ever after. This wasn't part of the script. At least... I didn't THINK it was.
The scene changes back to Foxxy.
Foxxy: (inner monologue) Where DID it all go wrong? (She pauses for a moment.) Actually... I think it was that morning. The day before we left. That's when the seeds were pretty much planted.
The scene fades. It then fades back up on a long shot of the Drawn Together house. The scene changes to the interior where we see all of the housemates minus Wooldoor gathered in the living room.
Spanky: The first thing I plan to do is pee in the ocean!
Toot: (offended) Spanky, don't you know how harmful that is to the environment? You could seriously mess up the ocean's ecosystem!
Spanky: And since when are you so concerned about the ocean's ecosystem?
Toot: Since I decided to bring a bunch of fishing gear so I'll have something to eat when the restaurant deck closes! (She turns to Marty.) Pee-soaked fish... not the most tasty. (She pauses for a moment.) Or healthy. (She thinks for a moment.) Did I mention pee is gross?
Clara: That explains why that Red Lobster buffet made me throw up last night.
Ling-Ling: Carla sure it not-
Clara: No, Ling-Ling, I'm not pregnant. But thanks for asking.
Toot: The way I figure it, I have two main food options if the ship's food totally sucks, like ship food has a tendency to do. Option number one, I can bring my own fishing gear and catch them myself. Sure it'll suck having to clean and gut them, but... at least it'll give Xandir something to do besides hooking up with random cabin boys!
Xandir: I'm not gutting your fish for you, Toot.
Foxxy: Well, congratulations, Xandir, on standing up to Toot! It's about time you decided not to be such a doormat anymore!
Xandir: I mean, I'd gladly do it for her. It's just that those knives are really sharp and I might cut my pretty, pretty hands!
Clara: So why don't you just wear gloves or something?
Xandir: Oh, I can't. The only pair of gloves I have is back at my parents' house, and I can't go back THERE now! Not since they caught me making out during Lord of the Rings!
Hero: Lord of the Rings?
Xandir: It's like our Schindler's List. Don't question it. (He turns to Toot.) So sorry, Toot. You'll have to gut your fish yourself. (Toot scowls.)
Spanky: Oh, well, guess that's out! Looks like you'll have to turn to option number two.
Toot: I guess I will.
Spanky: So what's option number two?
Toot: You.
Spanky: Get serious, Toot. I'm not gutting your fish for you!
Toot: Did I mention fish? (She grins at Spanky. Spanky is momentarily confused before he suddenly realizes what Toot is getting at.)
Spanky: (becoming horrified) Oh, no! No, no, no. We are NOT going down THAT road again!
Toot: (turning to Clara) Hey, Clara, you're not taking that much, right? Would there be room in your suitcase to bring along a portable grill? (She looks at Spanky evilly.) And some barbecue sauce! (She grins.)
Spanky: (turning to Xandir in a panic) Xandir?
Xandir: (clasping his hands in fear) My hands!
Clara: Spanky, if Xandir cuts his hands, what will he have to masturbate with?
Spanky: His feet?
Xandir: I wish! Unfortunately, my toes aren't that dextrous.
Marty: They're probably weighed down by all the hair.
Toot: Well... I guess I could always ask Wooldoor to do it.
Foxxy: Speaking of Wooldoor... where is the man... er... whatchamacallit... that is going to be marrying Hero and myself?
Clara: Oh, he was misbehaving earlier, so I sent him up to his room. I told him to just sit there and read the Bible for a while.
Toot: (skeptically) The Bible?
Clara: There's nothing wrong with the Bible, Toot. And besides, Wooldoor might learn something.
Toot: Oh, come on, Clara. You really think that reading the Bible is going to alter Wooldoor's behavior?
At that moment, Wooldoor comes walking down the stairs, still reading the Bible. He arrives at the bottom of the stairs.
Wooloor: (not looking up from the Bible) Hey, guys!
Toot: Hey, Wooldoor. So how's (she makes air quotes) "The Bible"? (Clara looks at Toot with disapproval.)
Clara: Air quotes, Toot? Seriously?
Wooldoor: (He looks at Clara.) Thanks, Clara. Making me read this has really helped put my life back on the straight and narrow. I'll be forever in your debt.
Clara: You're welcome, Wooldoor!
Hero: Speaking of straight and narrow... (he turns to Foxxy) I've got something straight and narrow that I'd like to put back on YOUR life! Er, I mean... something straight that I'd like to put in your narrows. Um, I mean... that is to say... (He shrugs.) You want to have sex?
Foxxy: Why, Hero, I'd be delighted! What say the two of us go upstairs and procreate right now?
Hero: Foxxy, we've... kind of already done that. (He looks at her stomach. Foxxy follows his eyes down. She suddenly realizes what he meant.)
Foxxy: Oh! Procreate means to have babies? I thought it just meant have sex!
Wooldoor: The hell you will! (Everyone turns to Wooldoor in shock.)
Foxxy: Say what now?
Wooldoor: You two can't have sex! You're not even married yet! Having sex outside of marriage is a sin!
Hero: And since when are YOU so concerned with sinful sex?
Wooldoor: (holding up the Bible) Since I started reading this thing, that's when!
Foxxy: Wooldoor, how could you not have known that already? You're a priest, for God's sake!
Wooldoor: (He turns to the others.) Have you guys ever actually read this thing? Wow... so much I didn't know! I just kind of skimmed it before. There's all kinds of crazy crap in here! (He turns back to Foxxy and Hero.) You know, technically, we're not allowed to go to the bathroom either. But I guess *maybe* I can let that one slide.
Foxxy: Uh... thank you?
Wooldoor: But the premarital sex thing? I have to enforce that.
Hero: Couldn't we give up going to the bathroom instead?
Spanky: I'm glad I'm not the one having to make this choice. I could never do it. Or maybe I could. (He turns to Wooldoor.) Wooldoor, can I go to the bathroom and then just masturbate instead of having sex?
Wooldoor: Sorry, Spanky. But masturbation is a sin, too.
Spanky: (looking at Foxxy and Hero.) Damn. Guess I'm glad I'm not in your shoes, then!
Foxxy: Wooldoor, this is silly. And besides, Hero and I have already had sex lots of times, so the purity boat kind of already sailed for us a long time ago.
Wooldoor: Well... maybe it's too late for you on THAT front... but you could still try to make it right by remaining celibate at least until your wedding.
Spanky: Ha! Fat chance of THAT!
Foxxy: What's the matter, Spanky? You don't think we can do it?
Spanky: Foxxy, the wedding is a week away. Have you two EVER gone that long without having sex?
Hero: Yes, we have!
Foxxy: Right when Hero and me first got together with each other-
Clara: Hero and I.
Foxxy: Don't be silly, Clara. You and Hero never had sex. (She turns back to Wooldoor.) When Hero and me first got together, we waited a whole week until we had sex. You guys remember?
Spanky: Yeah... but... that was a long time ago. And you've had sex a LOT since then. Now maybe you could get by without the sex that first week because you hadn't really had that much with each other before. But now that you've been together for three years, and you've had sex approximately three times a day-
Hero: Four times!
Spanky: I'm saying that the sexual instinct is so ingrained in you by now that the thought of going even one day, let alone an entire week, without sex is at this point pretty much impossible. Face it, Foxxy. That's what your thing is. The sex!
Foxxy: Whatchoo talking about, Spanky? What do you mean, that's what our thing is?
Spanky: See, all the couples in this house have their own thing. Clara and Ling-Ling have the mushiness.
Clara: (swoony) Oh, we DO, don't we, Ling-Ling?
Spanky: Toot and Marty have the sarcasm.
Toot: Oh, gee, THAT'S a prize.
Spanky: And you guys have the sex.
Foxxy: Spanky, I resent your implication that Hero and my relationship is about nothing but sex. Sure, we have lots of sex, but we also have a strong bond with each other. A closeness that goes way beyond just sex... and one which certainly doesn't need sex to thrive and prosper.
Spanky: Then prove it. See if you can make it all the way to the wedding without having sex again.
Foxxy: We will! (She turns to Hero.) Won't we, Hero?
Hero: (slightly worried) Um... sure. Of course... we will. (Foxxy looks at Spanky defiantly, but Hero is very troubled.)
Foxxy: Now, then. Hero and I are going to go upstairs and finish packing for the cruise. And by "packing for the cruise", I do NOT mean that as a metaphor for having sex.
Toot: Well, while we're on the subject, I think that Marty and I will go upstairs and finish packing for the cruise as well. (She and Marty get up.) And unlike Foxxy, when I say "packing for the cruise", I *do* mean that as a metaphor for having sex! (She begins to walk upstairs, passing by Foxxy and Hero. She stops and turns to them.) Sucks to not be married, doesn't it? (Grinning, Toot turns and continues walking upstairs, followed by Marty. Foxxy scowls, then turns and walks upstairs herself, followed by an apprehensive Hero. Clara turns to Ling-Ling.)
Clara: Ling-Ling, I'm not very comfortable with this cruise packing metaphor. Can you and I go upstairs and just have sex? (Ling-Ling nods enthusiastically.) Clara picks him up and starts to carry him upstairs. Wooldoor stops her.)
Wooldoor: Hold on a second, you two. Where the hell do you think you're going?
Clara: We're going upstairs to have sex, Wooldoor. (He looks at her with anger.) It's okay, Wooldoor. Ling-Ling and I are married. It's okay for us to have sex now.
Wooldoor: Oh, is it, Clara? IS IT?
Clara: What are you talking about, Wooldoor?
Wooldoor: You can't have sex now, Clara! It's the middle of the day, for God's sake!
Clara: So?
Wooldoor: And besides, sex between even couples who are married is only okay if it's for the purposes of procreation! Doing it solely for pleasure makes you a whore!
Clara: Well, Ling-Ling and I *are* trying to have a baby.
Wooldoor: Oh. You are? (Clara nods.) I guess it's okay, then. I guess I was a bit hasty in calling you a whore.
Clara: Thank you, Wooldoor.
Wooldoor: Now if I come up to your room afterward and you're not with child... THEN I'll call you a whore!
Clara stands there stunned. Ling-Ling looks confused. As the two continue to just stare for a moment, Wooldoor turns away in triumph and begins walking toward the kitchen.
Spanky: (calling to Wooldoor) Hey, Wooldoor, I'm going to go masturbate for a while. Is that okay?
Wooldoor: (as he walks away) Knock yourself out, man!
Spanky: Thanks! (Wooldoor exits. Spanky turns and walks upstairs. Clara stands in the middle of the living room holding Ling-Ling, still stunned. She looks at the only remaining person in the room, Xandir.)
Xandir: Hey, Clara?
Clara: Yes?
Xandir: Don't tell Wooldoor I'm gay, okay? I mean, I'm sure he probably knows, but... you know... just in case... I don't really want to start anything.
Still trying to come to grips with what just happened, Clara turns and walks back upstairs with Ling-Ling. Xandir shrugs and turns on the television. The scene fades.
CUE OPENING TITLES
The scene opens on a shot of the ocean once again. The camera cuts to Hero standing on the deck again.
Hero: (inner monologue) You know, thinking on it, this was pretty much my fault. If I hadn't done what I did, we wouldn't be in this situation now. Sure, I didn't mean any harm. And looking back, yeah, it probably wasn't a smart thing to do. But at the time, it was what felt right. And more importantly, I had always felt that no matter what we did, Foxxy and me, as a couple, were rock solid and utterly indestructible. I guess that's what you get when you try to tempt fate one too many times.
The scene changes back to the house once again. The housemates are standing around the living room with all of their luggage and travel belongings. Toot holds a fishing rod and a large tackle box. They are all dressed in vacation clothes again. Clara is wearing a blue Hawaiian print blouse, her purple sarong from Big Twist II, a large beach hat, and wicker sandals. Toot is wearing a dark green Hawaiian print dress and flip-flops, while Marty has a green polo shirt, Hawaiian shorts, and sandals. Foxxy is wearing an orange halter top, a red sarong, and flip-flops. Hero is wearing a baby blue Hawaiian shirt, tan cargo shorts, and flip-flops. Wooldoor has on a dark blue Hawaiian shirt, red shorts, and socks with sandals. Xandir is wearing a white T-shirt tied around his stomach, white shorts, and sneakers with no socks. Spanky has on an orange Hawaiian shirt and brown shorts while Ling-Ling is wearing only a Gilligan hat. Clara looks at Wooldoor with disapproval.
Clara: Seriously, Wooldoor? Socks with sandals?
Wooldoor: What's wrong with socks with sandals?
Clara: Well, one, it looks tacky, and two, the socks kind of negate the whole point of wearing sandals.
Wooldoor: Which is what? To flaunt your feet like a whore?
Clara: Wearing open-toed shoes does not make me a whore, Wooldoor. In fact, Jesus wore sandals!
Wooldoor: Yeah, well, you die on the cross for the sins of the world and I *might* let that one slide for you.
Clara: I sure FEEL like I'm being crucified right now.
Toot: Come on, guys! Let's go get on the boat! Toot toot!
Wooldoor: Toot, why did you just say your name twice?
Toot: I didn't, Wooldoor. I was making a sound like a boat whistle.
Wooldoor: You said "toot toot".
Toot: Right. That's the sound a boat whistle makes.
Wooldoor: It's also your name.
Toot: Okay, well... yeah.
Wooldoor: So were you named after a boat whistle?
Toot: No, Wooldoor. Don't be silly.
Wooldoor: But being silly is my entire reason for being!
Spanky: You know, "toot" is another word for fart. You weren't named after THAT, were you?
Toot: (decidedly displeased) No, Spanky.
Spanky: (disappointed) Oh. Cause I was about to say, it would have made you a lot cooler if you had been.
Wooldoor: I was named after 19th century United States President Rutherford B. Hayes!
Foxxy: But your name is Wooldoor.
Wooldoor: That's right.
Clara: How did they possibly get the name Wooldoor out of a name like Rutherford B. Hayes?
Wooldoor: They didn't.
Clara: (turning to Foxxy) You packed his meds, right? (Foxxy nods.)
Wooldoor: That's not what I said, Clara. I said I was named AFTER him. He was from the 19th century, so obviously he got named long before any of us did! (He pauses.) I think. (He turns to Toot.) Toot, how old-
Toot: (very angry) Not THAT old!
Clara: Wooldoor, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Hero: Even dumber than my idea for reusable condoms?
Wooldoor: Oh, IS it, Clara? How is it any dumber than say... going to hell for being a WHORE?
Clara: Oh, God, are we still on that kick?
Wooldoor: (gasping) Taking the Lord's name in vain? Oh, now are you going to hell even faster, you sinful harlot!
Toot: (to Spanky) What's a harlot?
Spanky: I think it's a Jewish whore.
Toot: You mean like me?
Spanky: Yeah, you wish.
Clara: Wooldoor, what are you going on about NOW?
Wooldoor: I saw you kissing Ling-Ling at breakfast this morning!
Clara: So? There's nothing wrong with kissing! And as I mentioned last night, he IS my husband!
Wooldoor: Kissing leads to dancing. And dancing leads to sex. I'm not sure where sex leads to, but it's something really bad.
Spanky: Butt sex?
Wooldoor: Not right now, Spanky. But thanks for the offer. (Spanky is mildly creeped out.)
Ling-Ling: Get off Carla's back, Sockbat! He see Hero doing much worse thing this morning! He kiss chocolate animal woman in unspeakable place!
Wooldoor: Oh, really? (He walks over to Foxxy and Hero.) So, Captain Hero... where exactly did you kiss Foxxy this morning?
Foxxy: On my ass. (Wooldoor is shocked.)
Hero: Foxxy's just kidding, Wooldoor. I kissed her hand. And I'm pretty sure the Bible says that's okay. (Wooldoor eyes the two of them skeptically.)
Wooldoor: So are you two keeping your vow? You staying celibate like you promised?
Foxxy: Yes, Wooldoor.
Wooldoor: You're not starting to waver, are you? Maybe feeling a little pressure? A little moment of weakness?
Foxxy: Wooldoor, I assure you, we are FINE.
Wooldoor: Good. That's all I needed to hear. (He turns back to the others, resuming his happy demeanor.) So are we going to be able to get in the water on this cruise? I want to eat a dolphin!
Clara: You mean pet a dolphin?
Wooldoor: Why, what'd I say?
Foxxy: Well, come on, y'all. We could stand around here trading witty banter with each other all day, but if we's not going to be left behind, we'd best be making our way to the boat now.
The others nod and begin to pick up their gear. However, right as they're about to walk out, the doorbell rings.
Toot: (annoyed) Oh, it figures! Now that we're about to leave for a month, my cheese of the month club delivery finally shows up! (She sighs.) Oh, well. I guess I can just take it with me. If it goes bad on the boat, I can always use it for bait.
Toot walks briskly to the door and opens it. There she is greeted with a surprise. Instead of a delivery person, the person at the door is a familiar redhead wearing sunglasses, a light blouse, green shorts, and flip-flops.
Toot: (taken aback) Stretchy girl?
The others are all surprised. Hero and Wooldoor walk up to Unusually Flexible Girl. Foxxy looks at her suspiciously, but says nothing.
Hero: Unusually Flexible Girl? What are you doing here? Don't you know we're about to leave for the cruise?
UFG: I know. (She turns to Wooldoor.) Wooldoor, look. I know I told you I couldn't make it. I promised to take my nana to a Hummel collecting convention the same week as the wedding. But then she died, so now I'm free!
Wooldoor: (excited) That's great! (He quickly becomes solemn.) About you being free, I mean. Not about your nana dying. That's sad.
UFG: Yeah.
Foxxy: Now hold on a second. I thought you told us your nana was already dead! Didn't she die of loneliness or something?
UFG: Yeah, that was my other nana. I have two.
Wooldoor: Well, that makes sense!
UFG: So if it's not too much trouble, I would really like to go on the cruise, you guys. You guys are two of my dearest friends, and it would really mean a lot to me.
Hero: Why, of course, Nancy!
UFG: Mandy.
Hero: Wow, I wasn't even close that time! But of course you can come to our wedding, Mandy.
Foxxy: No, she can't. (Hero turns to Foxxy in alarm.)
Hero: She can't?
Foxxy: Reverend Smack Daddy told us we could only have 25 seats between us. And unfortunately, those 25 slots have all been filled.
Spanky: Oh, dude. That just gave me an idea for the best porn movie EVER!
Xandir: Actually, Foxxy... Ernesto and I got into a big tiff last night and he won't be going. So it looks like there's a spot open!
Clara: (to Xandir) Ernesto?
Xandir: Yeah, well... I couldn't decide whether to use my invite for Fernando or Ernesto, so I told the two they could fight to the death for it, and Ernesto won!
Toot: (in complete shock) You actually had one of your boyfriends murder the other?
Xandir: Murder? Oh, no, don't be silly! When I say, death, I meant for them to fight until one of them got their pretty face all scratched up! For us to go out in public like that WOULD be death. (He pauses sadly.) A kind of death, at least.
Toot: So if Ernesto backed out, then why not just let Fernando go in his place?
Xandir: Did you not hear what I said about his face? He's not going out like that!
Spanky: And yet he has no problems showing his REGULAR face in public?
Wooldoor: So Mandy can come with us! Yay!
Foxxy: Now hold on, Wooldoor. It's not that I'm trying to keep Unusually Flexible Girl off the boat or anything, but... um... that invitation DOES belong to Xandir. So it would only be fair if it went to somebody HE wanted to invite.
Xandir: That's okay, Foxxy. Now that I think about it, having a boyfriend along on the cruise could be detrimental to my efforts to hook up with random strangers.
Clara: Wooldoor, did you hear what Xandir just said? Hooking up with random strangers?
Wooldoor: Sure, Clara, what about it?
Clara: Never mind.
Wooldoor: (turning back to UFG) I'm so excited you're getting to go, Mandy! Just think of all the fun stuff we can do on that cruise together! We can pee in the ocean...
UFG: I don't know, Wooldoor. Foxxy hasn't even said I can go yet.
Hero: Well, that doesn't matter. This is my wedding too and I say you can go!
Wooldoor: Yay! (Foxxy's look immediately changes to one of shock and a bit of anger.)
UFG: Oh, thank you guys so much! (She proceeds to throw her arms around Hero in a huge, grateful hug.) You're the greatest, Hero!
Hero: I know. (UFG lets Hero go and starts to grab her things.) So what are we waiting for, you guys? That boat's about to leave, we'd better go get on it!
Toot: That's what I'm saying!
Spanky: Spanky Spanky!
One by one, all the others pick up their stuff and follow UFG out. Foxxy and Hero are the last two left in the house. Hero picks up his things and starts to walk out the door. He stops to talk to Foxxy, who has recovered from her shock, but is still very skeptical.
Hero: Come on, Foxxy, let's go! It wouldn't be a very fun wedding if the only person who didn't make it was the bride! (He thinks for a moment.) I could marry Spanky, I guess. That'd be kind of gay, though.
Foxxy: Hero... are you sure about this? About inviting her, you mean?
Hero: Why, what's the problem?
Foxxy: No problem, I guess. I'm just worried something bad might come of it, that's all.
Hero: Don't be silly, Foxxy. What could happen?
Foxxy: I wish you hadn't said that. (Hero looks at Foxxy questioningly. Foxxy shrugs.) Never mind. Let's go get on the boat, okay?
With that, Foxxy picks up her things and follows Hero out of the house. The scene fades. After a moment, the scene fades back up on the deck of the ship, this time on Foxxy's side.
Foxxy: (inner monologue) I guess if I'd really wanted to, I could have stopped her from coming. But as suspicious as I was, I felt that it would be better if I didn't make an issue of things. After all, no sense putting ideas in Hero's head if they wasn't already there. But... WAS they already there? Even now, I'm still not sure. All I know is that if I'd just fought Hero a little harder on the matter, we wouldn't be in the situation we're in right now.
Foxxy sighs. The scene dissolves to a long shot of the deck of the ship sometime earlier. The housemates have just boarded. We see them walking to their cabins carrying their gear.
Spanky: So which deck is the naked swimming on?
Clara: Excuse me?
Spanky: The swimming without clothes. Which deck is it on?
Clara: I'm pretty sure this isn't one of THOSE kind of cruises.
Toot: It isn't? Then forget it, I'm not staying. (She starts to walk back toward the deck.) Come on, Marty, let's blow this popsicle stand.
Marty: (starts to follow Toot, then suddenly stops) Wait a minute. Toot, stop. (Toot raises her arms questioningly.) That's very funny. (Toot smiles and shrugs as if to say "What?")
Hero: It's okay, guys. I'll just go ask the cruise director what deck we can use for naked swimming.
Wooldoor: Yay!
Clara: Why do I suddenly feel out of place again?
Foxxy: I'll go with you to talk to the cruise director, Hero. As long as we're here, we might as well try to go ahead and find out where we're going to be able to have our wedding.
Hero: Sounds good to me! (Hero and Foxxy walk off.)
Spanky: You know what? We can just find any pool. I'll just fart a lot so everyone else will stay away.
Toot: But then WE'LL have to swim in your stinkiness!
Spanky: No, no. I'll only fart at the entrance to the pool. The pool area itself will still be gas-free.
Clara: That seems like a pretty drastic way to get the pool to ourselves, but I don't really feel like dealing with a lot of people on this cruise, so I'll welcome it.
Spanky: (His eyebrows raise.) Oh? So does this mean you're going to come naked swimming with us, Clara?
Clara: Never mind. I didn't realize THAT'S what you were doing.
Toot: Oh, come on and join us at the pool, Clara! If it's any comfort, we'll let YOU wear clothes.
Clara: While the rest of you strut about shoving all your stuff in my face? Oh, thank you so much for that treat, Toot!
Toot: Don't mention it!
Cut to Foxxy and Hero making their way back to the deck. As they walk toward the deck, we hear a familiar voice call out.
Reverend: Foxxy!
Hero: Oh, yeah, I forgot HE was going to be here. (At that moment, Reverend Smack Daddy walks over to the two of them. He takes Foxxy by the hands.)
Foxxy: Hey, y'all.
Reverend: I'm so glad you guys could make it, Foxxy. We're looking forward to having you sing with us on this boat!
Foxxy: Don't mention it, Reverend. (The Reverend lets go of her hands. Foxxy holds up a finger to him.) Now remember... you promised to leave me and my housemates alone on this cruise.
Reverend: I haven't forgotten, Foxxy. And don't worry, I intend to keep my vow.
Foxxy: Thank you.
Reverend: I'm very excited for the both of you. Really, I am.
Hero: Me too!
Reverend: And I bet y'all is looking forward to all that hot nasty sex y'all are going to have once y'all is married, ain't you? (A look of worry suddenly crosses Hero's face.)
Foxxy: We sure are! (The Reverend smiles.) Oh, by the way, Reverend, about our wedding... do you know where we're going to be able to have it?
Reverend: Not yet, Foxxy. But the cruise director assures me they'll have a spot set aside for you in plenty of time for y'all to set things up.
Foxxy: Thank you.
Reverend: Well, I guess I'd best be leaving y'all alone now. Y'all probably wants to go have some hot premarital sex now.
Hero: That's... that's permitted?
Reverend: Well... not technically. You'll still be sinning for a few days. But once y'all is married, God will forgive you for those sins since it ended up being your future wife you was having all that sinning with.
Hero: Um... okay. I guess.
Reverend: I'll see you guys later, then. See you at the show, Foxxy. (He gives her a quick peck on the cheek. Foxxy smiles. The Reverend walks away. Hero turns to Foxxy excitedly.)
Hero: Did you hear that, Foxxy? We can go ahead and have sex again and we won't be sinners!
Foxxy: That's right, Hero, I guess we can. (Hero beams gleefully.) But we won't. (Hero's expression quickly changes to a frown.)
Hero: We won't?
Foxxy: Hero, you know where I stand on the whole sex issue. I don't believe that sex between two people who love each other is a sin, regardless of whether they's married or not. But that ain't why we're doing this!
Hero: It isn't?
Foxxy: No! We're doing this to prove to everybody that there's more to our relationship than just sex!
Hero: Oh.
Foxxy: Now, Hero, I'll admit, there's nothing I want more than for you to take me back to our cabin right now and do me for the next seven hours straight.
Hero: Seven hours?
Foxxy: Well, Oprah comes on in seven hours, and we have to stop then. I've found you miss too much if you try having sex while the show is still on.
Hero: Ah, gotcha.
Foxxy: But we can't. Hero... I want us to prove that we are just as strong a couple without the sex as we are with it. If we can make it until the wedding without having any more sex... (she looks at him seductively)... then, I think that'll be a pretty good indication that we's doing the right thing getting married to each other.
Hero: (smiling at Foxxy) Well... when you put it THAT way...
Foxxy: Now come on. Let's go find the cruise director and see if they've got a spot open for us.
Foxxy continues to make her way toward the deck of the ship, with Hero right beside her. They stop right as they reach the deck.
Hero: Is that the cruise director?
Foxxy: I think so.
Hero: Huh. Well, that's weird.
Foxxy: What?
Hero: I think I know her from somewhere. I may be wrong, though.
Foxxy: Well, let's go talk to her.
Foxxy and Hero walk up to the cruise director, who we only see from behind.
Foxxy: Excuse me. Miss Cruise Director? May we have a quick word with you?
She turns toward the couple. We see that the cruise director is none other than a certain stone-faced young woman.
Denise: Yes? What do you want?
Foxxy: I'm not sure if Reverend Smack Daddy may have mentioned us to you. I'm Foxxy Love and this is Captain Hero.
Denise: Yeah, um... I don't really bother to learn people's names. So I don't know who you or this Smack Daddy person is. And to be honest, I'm not planning to make an effort to become familiar with them over the course of this cruise.
Foxxy: Smack Daddy is the performer who is headlining this particular cruise.
Denise: Oh, right. The Christian rapper. The one who raps about all the nasty sex stuff and specifies it's only okay if you're married.
Hero: That's the guy!
Denise: I don't like him. He's way too judgmental about people being hoes. Didn't stop him from giving me a hundred bucks last night, though. Apparently, if it's in international waters, that's a "gray area".
Foxxy: Yes, I see you've met the gentleman. Well, my name is Foxxy Love, and this is my fiance, Captain Hero. Smack Daddy told us we could have our wedding on the ship in exchange for performing on the cruise with him.
Denise: "Performing on the cruise with him". Well, I guess it's all right as long as you keep that sort of thing in your cabin.
Foxxy: I did not mean that as a sexual euphemism. And now I'm suddenly hoping that Smack Daddy didn't either. But anyway, what I meant was that I'm going to be singing here one night.
Denise: And I'm supposed to care about this... why?
Foxxy: He told us we'd be able to have our wedding here on the boat. Now what I want to know from you is, where will we be able to have it, and what day will it be?
Denise: Let me get this straight. You expect us to just put aside our entire cruise schedule and just give one of our decks to you for an entire day? I don't even know who you are!
Foxxy: I just told you!
Denise: Yeah, I wasn't listening.
Foxxy: Look. Is every single deck on the ship going to be occupied every single day of the cruise? All we need is one deck for one day. We'll be GLAD to pay for it.
Denise: Fine. I'll check the schedule and see if I can find something open for you. But I'm not promising anything.
Foxxy: Well, I guess that's about the best I can do for now.
Denise: It is.
Foxxy: Come on, Hero. Let's go back and join the others.
Foxxy turns and begins to walk off. Hero, however, remains on deck with Denise.
Hero: So, a hundred dollars, huh? What all do you do for that? Do you go all the way? Cause if so, that is an EXCELLENT deal! Do you know what the whores back home cost?
Foxxy: Hero!
Hero: (to Denise) I gotta go. (Hero turns and scampers back toward Foxxy.) Hey, Foxxy, I think I've just figured out what we can get Spanky for his birthday!
Foxxy: Hero, I want to go back to our cabin now, and I want you to escort me there.
Hero: Why? Are you worried about getting attacked?
Foxxy: No, I just want you around in case we run into Reverend Smack Daddy. I have a feeling that if we do, I'll be overcome with an overwhelming urge to beat the crap out of him.
Hero: And you want me to stop you?
Foxxy: No, I want you to help me!
With that, Foxxy and Hero turn and walk back to their cabin. The scene fades. It fades back up on another deck of the ship. Clara is lying in a deck chair reading a book. Except for having kicked her sandals off, she is wearing the same clothes as before. Wooldoor stands next to the railing eagerly looking out at the ocean.
Wooldoor: Wow! Do you see that ocean, Clara?
Clara: (without turning away from her book) Am I looking in the direction of the ocean, Wooldoor?
Wooldoor: No.
Clara: Well, there you go.
Wooldoor: I never knew the ocean was so big! Wow... if Jesus walked across THIS thing, he truly was the son of God! (At that moment, a dolphin hops out of the water, then quickly submerges again.) Ooh, a dolphin! How pretty! (Wooldoor licks his lips.)
At that moment, Ling-Ling bounds out onto the deck holding a small container. He hops up on the chair next to Clara.
Clara: Hello, Ling-Ling! What do you have there? (Ling-Ling holds out a small bag on a strap.)
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling get this at Sanrio store right before he board! Look! (Clara looks at the bag.)
Clara: A purse?
Ling-Ling: No be silly, Carla. It Hello Kitty fanny pack.
Clara: But it's on a strap.
Ling-Ling: (slightly disappointed) Yeah, well... it turn out Ling-Ling fanny not big enough to wear pack as intended. So he have to get strap to carry it around with.
Clara: Well, it's very cute, Ling-Ling. (Ling-Ling smiles. Wooldoor turns around and walks over to the couple.)
Wooldoor: Hey, you guys! You think if I asked Toot real nice, she'd let me borrow her fishing gear? Oh, and on a completely unrelated note, do you guys know what dolphins like to eat? (Clara and Ling-Ling both shake their heads. Wooldoor sees Ling-Ling's bag.) Ling-Ling, what's that?
Ling-Ling: It Hello Kitty fanny pack. Ling-Ling use it to carry around valuables.
Wooldoor: Well, I hope one of those valuables is your SOUL, because that's what you've just sacrificed to the Dark Lord by carrying around a man purse!
Ling-Ling: No! Sockbat have it all wrong! It not purse! It Japorean!
Wooldoor: It looks like a purse to me.
Ling-Ling: Well, it not!
Wooldoor: Ling-Ling, are you sure about that?
Ling-Ling: Yes!
Wooldoor: Well... okay, then. (Without missing a beat, he quickly turns to Clara.) Oh, look at that. Look who's showing her stuff again. You proud of those legs, Clara? Hmm? You proud of those boobs? Well, you should be. Cause they're quite nice.
Clara: Wooldoor, please, give it a rest. There is absolutely nothing about my current ensemble that is indecent.
Wooldoor: (quickly tossing Clara a jacket) Here. Cover yourself up, whore!
Clara: Wooldoor, it's close to 90 degrees on this boat!
Wooldoor: I said ZIP IT UP, WHORE!
Clara covers her face in frustration. The scene fades to Toot and Marty's cabin. Toot sits on the bed while Marty attempts to talk on a cell phone.
Toot: And that's why my name appears in air stewardess training manuals under the heading "Don't Ever Do This"!
Marty: That's nice, Toot. (Marty winces and looks at the phone in frustration.) Dammit, why can't I get a signal on this boat?
Toot: Why? Who do you want to call?
Marty: Ghostbusters. (Toot looks at Marty oddly for a minute, then smiles.)
Toot: Ohhhhhh. I see what you did there. Very clever. (She turns around.) Say, Marty, can you zip me up? (Marty looks at Toot, slightly confused.)
Marty: But... you're not wearing anything that zips. (Toot cranes her head and grins at Marty.) Ohhhhhh. I see what you did there.
Marty quickly puts the phone on the table and hops on the bed and begins making out with Toot. As the two roll around on the bed, becoming progressively less dressed, we hear a voice come over the phone.
Operator: Hello? This is the operator speaking. How can I help you? (There is no sound except Toot and Marty's lovemaking noises.) Hello? Is anyone there? (Still no response.) Hello? (Still no response.) Oh, goddammit, did somebody suddenly start having sex while they were in the middle of trying to make a call? (The operator sighs.) Goddammit, I hate it when that happens!
As Toot and Marty continue cavorting around on the bed, Spanky walks up to their door. He looks inside and sees them getting it on. His eyebrows raise. A big smile beginning to form on his face, Spanky proceeds to stand and watch the two carrying on. After a minute, he hears the voice on the phone and looks over.
Operator: Hello? I'm serious, quit having sex right now or I'm going to hang up!
Spanky walks over to the phone and picks it up.
Spanky: (into phone, in a high-pitched voice) Hello?
Operator: Finally! How can I help you?
Spanky: Um, I was trying to reach a friend of mine. Can you help me?
Operator: What's your friend's name?
Spanky: Ignatius Parkinson Freely. But you can call him by his initials, I.P. (Spanky snickers.)
Operator: Just a minute! (We hear a dial tone. Spanky looks confused. After a moment, another voice comes on the line.)
Voice: Hello?
Spanky: (in his normal voice) Hello? Who is this?
Voice: This is I.P. Freely. Who the hell is this? (Spanky chuckles.)
Spanky: Oh, man, that's just too funny. Hey- are you friends with a guy named Seymour?
Voice: Seymour?
Spanky: Yeah. Last name, Cox?
Voice: Oh, yeah! Seymour Cox! Great guy. Great guy. So what's up with Seymour?
Spanky: Um... he died.
Voice: He died?
Spanky: Yeah. Um... he died of... uh... that disease... that disease that makes you stop living. Uh... bye. (Spanky quickly hangs up.) Wow! I am really rusty on my prank calls! In my younger days, I'd have been much better prepared for that one! (Spanky pauses for a second.) Now why the hell did I come in here?
Toot: Oh, Marty!
Spanky: Ah, right, the midget sex.
Toot: Goddammit, Marty and I are not midgets! Well... I'm not, at least. I'm on the short end of average.
Marty: Is Spanky watching us have sex?
Toot: Apparently.
Marty: So why didn't you lock the door?
Spanky: Wouldn't matter, I can pick the lock. (Spanky walks over to the bed. Toot and Marty have stopped their activity.) Hey, guys. How's it going?
Marty: I'm not a midget either, Toot.
Toot: We'll see what the dictionary has to say about that.
Marty: Something we can help you with, Spanky?
Spanky: No, no. (He pulls up a chair in front of the bed.) The floor show's enough. Carry on, you two.
Toot: Spanky... bait.
Spanky: Fair enough. All right, I'll get to business. Toot, I want to run something by you real quick. A minor change to the wedding procedure.
Toot: How minor?
Spanky: Instead of the groom kissing the bride, how the best man gets to-
Toot: No!
Spanky: But you didn't even know what I was going to say!
Toot: Yeah, actually I pretty much did.
Spanky: Fine. No, what I wanted to ask you was, instead of a tuxedo... how about I wear a T-shirt with a tuxedo design on it?
Toot: Are you serious?
Spanky: So that's no?
Toot: Yeah, sorry, Spanky, but I can't let you do that. It would make the whole wedding look cheap and tawdry!
Spanky: Yes, it would! Which would actually be to your advantage! Now YOUR wedding wasn't cheap and tawdry at all. But if this one IS, it'll make YOURS seem all the classier!
Marty: Spanky. that's ridiculous. Forget it.
Toot: That makes sense. Okay, Spanky, you've got a deal! (Spanky is triumphant.)
Marty: (to Toot) From now on, I'm just going to wait to talk until you've already said something.
Toot: I think that might be best.
Spanky: All right! I thought I might have to convince you of this, Toot, but it turns out, you were more open than I thought! (Spanky winks and points at Toot.) You're a MUCH cooler maid of honor than Clara was!
Toot: Well, duh!
Spanky gets out of his chair and walks back out the door, closing it behind him. As soon as he does so, he meets up with Hero walking back toward the deck.
Spanky: Hey, Hero! Guess what! I'm going to wear a tuxedo T-shirt to the wedding instead of a real tux!
Hero: No, you're not.
Spanky: But Toot said I could!
Hero: Toot isn't making the decisions, Spanky. Foxxy is. And I feel extremely confident she wouldn't like that idea. So, Sorry, Spanky. But no.
Spanky: But-
Hero: No buts! (Spanky turns away in frustration.)
Spanky: (walking away dejectedly) Awwwww!
Xandir: (offscreen, from his own cabin) I'm glad it wasn't me that was said to!
Hero continues to stand at the railing looking out at the ocean. Foxxy walks up to him.
Foxxy: Hey, sugar! (Hero turns and sees Foxxy.)
Hero: Oh, hey, Foxxy.
Foxxy: What was that about?
Hero: Oh, Spanky wanted to wear a tuxedo T-shirt to the wedding instead of a real tuxedo.
Foxxy: Ha! I knew he'd try something like that. Well, it looks like Wooldoor owes me five bucks.
Hero: So how'd you make out with the cruise director?
Foxxy: Used my tongue.
Hero: Huh?
Foxxy: It's a joke, Hero.
Hero: Joke it may be, but... can I still put that one in the spank bank for later?
Foxxy: (thoughtfully) Spank bank. (Hero sees an opportunity.)
Hero: That is... unless you don't see me having a NEED for the spank bank. (Hero grins at Foxxy. Foxxy turns away.)
Foxxy: No. I think maybe you'd better file that image in the spank bank like you said. (Hero is disappointed.)
Hero: Oh. Okay. (He and Foxxy look away from each other. After pausing for a moment, Hero speaks up again.) So, anyway, what did the cruise director say?
Foxxy: Oh, the same thing she said when we was both up there with her. She still has no idea when a spot is going to be available. And quite frankly, she did not seem all that distraught at our situation.
Hero: No, I guess she wouldn't.
Foxxy: But it's going to be okay, Hero. We've still got a few days until the wedding. Something will come up by then. There's no need to worry.
Hero: Oh, I'm not worried.
There is an awkward silence between the two. Foxxy notices it. She looks worried for a moment, trying to decide if she should say something. She finally decides to speak.
Foxxy: You're wondering if this no-sex pact was a good idea.
Hero: No, I'm not.
Foxxy: Good. (She pauses for a moment.) Unfortunately, I am. (Hero turns toward her.)
Hero: (trying to hide his eagerness) Oh, really?
Foxxy: I was okay for the first day. But ever since we've been on this boat, practically all I've been able to think about is taking you in our cabin, shoving you down on the bed, ripping those cargo shorts right off you, and just going to town!
Hero: Going to town? But Foxxy, we're at sea! (Foxxy sighs in frustration.)
Foxxy: Never mind. (She turns to the side and mutters under her breath.) Goddammit, is there one expression out there I don't have to explain to him?
Hero: What was that?
Foxxy: Never mind. (Hero looks irritated, but says nothing.)
Hero: Well, Foxxy, if you want to have sex, we can just have sex. I mean, the no-sex pact was a nice idea, but when you think about it, do we really need it? Do we really have to prove anything to anyone at this point? We know we love each other. What more do we need?
Foxxy: I guess that makes sense. You know what, Hero? You're right. Let's go have sex.
Hero smiles big and brightly at Foxxy. Foxxy smiles back. Hero takes Foxxy in arm and starts to walk her back to their cabin. However, before they have even taken two steps, a voice calls out behind them. We hear the sound of a pair of feet running up the deck.
UFG: Hey, you two!
Foxxy grimaces, then sighs. She and Hero turn around to see UFG running up behind them. She is wearing a dark green bikini and has a towel flung over her shoulder.
Foxxy: Yes?
UFG: The pool's empty right now, so we're all going swimming! Do you guys want to join us?
Foxxy: No thanks, Unusually Flexible Girl. Captain Hero and I have other plans.
UFG: Oh yeah? Like what? (Foxxy glares at UFG, slightly annoyed at her failure to get the innuendo.)
Foxxy: Guess.
UFG: Well, I know it can't be sex. Cause you two aren't having that right now.
Foxxy: Excuse me?
UFG: Oh, yeah, Wooldoor told me all about the pact you two have, to not have sex again until the wedding. I think it's a great idea!
Foxxy: Oh, you do, do you?
UFG: Yeah. Like, when Captain Hero was dating ME, we would just have sex all the time!
Foxxy: Mmm hmm.
UFG: It finally dawned on me after a while that the reason we had sex so often was that that was all he was really interested in me for. Not my personality, not my companionship... not my heart. Just the sex.
Hero: Well, the sex WAS really good between us. (Foxxy glances back and forth between both Hero and UFG, trying hard to believe what she is hearing.)
UFG: If Captain Hero and *I* had tried to go a whole week without sex, it wouldn't have lasted. He'd probably have just dumped me in a couple of days.
Hero: Hey, I tried to dump you even WITH the sex! (Foxxy looks at Hero, still in disbelief.)
UFG: But the fact that Captain Leslie Hero... who's slept with... oh, I don't know... hundreds of women...
Hero: At least!
UFG: The fact that he's found a woman who he's willing to just be with and not have sex at all... that really says something.
Hero: It sure does! (A look of confusion suddenly crosses his face.) What?
Foxxy: Yes, thank you very much for your wisdom, Unusually Flexible Girl. You can just go enjoy your swim with the others. You and your tight green spandex bikini.
UFG: Oh, well, between you and me, I don't expect to be wearing the bikini very long. (She leans over and whispers to Foxxy.) As soon as the rest of the ship goes to bed, we're planning to swim naked!
Hero: Really?
UFG: That's right! Too bad you two can't come.
Hero: Oh, man, that one hurt.
UFG: I'll see you guys later. (She waves.) Bye!
With that, UFG turns and hurries away. Hero turns to Foxxy.
Hero: Swimming.
Foxxy: Yes.
Hero: Naked.
Foxxy: That's what I hear.
Hero: Well, whatever. Those guys can have their fun if they like.
Foxxy: Yeah.
Hero: We'll be keeping ourselves busy in our own way. (He grins at Foxxy. She scowls.)
Foxxy: What? Hero, are you kidding?
Hero: I don't get it.
Foxxy: No, you usually don't. Hero, did you not hear what Unusually Flexible Girl said? About how you guys had nothing in common but the sex?
Hero: Yeah. What about it?
Foxxy: Hero, I was about to give in to temptation a minute ago. But I won't. I can't. Maybe that relationship was about nothing but sex, but this one sure isn't. And I am damn well going to prove it to everybody!
Hero: Great. No sex, then. Well, I guess this night is shot.
Foxxy: Is this how it's going to be, Hero? Is it really killing you that bad to not be able to have sex with me? Is this relationship nothing but Unusually Flexible Girl Volume Two to you?
Hero: (starting to get angry) Foxxy, stop. You know I love you. What happened between me and Unusually Flexible Girl doesn't change how I feel about you. The two relationships are nothing alike! (Foxxy looks at Hero for a moment, then sighs.)
Foxxy: I guess you're right, Hero. I'm sorry.
Hero: Maybe you're right. Maybe we do need to try to keep this no-sex pact. I guess if our relationship is truly one to last, we should be able to withstand it. (Foxxy smiles.)
Foxxy: Thank you, Hero.
Hero: Okay, so the sex is out. What do you want to do instead?
Foxxy: Hmmm...
Hero: We could join the others. If we're hanging out with our friends, that might distract us from our carnal desires.
Foxxy: Join them swimming, you mean? (Hero nods.) With that naked stretchy ex-girlfriend of yours there? Not a chance! (Hero frowns.)
Hero: So what are we going to do, then?
Foxxy: I'll tell you what we're going to do. We're going to go back to our cabin and sit there all night, just the two of us, and not have sex!
Hero: Not have sex?
Foxxy: You heard me! (Foxxy turns and starts to walk away. She momentarily turns back toward Hero.) Now get your ass and follow me back to our cabin right now! That way I know you won't be hanging out at that pool with that naked stretchy ex-girlfriend of yours!
Hero: Huh?
Foxxy: Now!
With that, Foxxy turns and storms off. Hero looks after her, somewhat frustrated. He sighs.
Hero: Oh, well. I guess a few more nights without sex won't be the worst thing in the world. (At that moment, we hear Toot and Marty's voices coming from inside their cabin.)
Toot: (voice) Hey, Marty! Before we go naked swimming with the others, you want to have sex again?
Marty: (voice) Yeah, all right.
Toot: (voice) Now I bet you're wondering why I brought a pair of stockings with me on the cruise. Do the words "hogtied to the bed" mean anything to you?
Hero hangs his head and sighs. He turns and slowly trudges back toward his own cabin. The scene fades.
(to be continued...)